Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu go to Hogwarts
(Or the most out of character piece you will ever read)
[Or a guide on what not to do when writing a Harry Potter story]
{Or the story with the longest title that rambles on and on about a load of
useless stuff}
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Once upon a time, it was a dark and stormy night. There was an evil Dark Lord, and an infant boy who defeated him. But this isn't important, what is important is that Mary-Sue Gloryhog and her brother Gary-Stu are going to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry!
Mary-Sue is tall and shapely, and turned down numerous modeling agencies in order to go to Hogwarts. A Muggle-born witch, she is amazingly adept with magic, already has her Appearating license, is the only person who was ever able to get out of the way of an Advar Kadavar curse, sings like a diva and has all the charm and charisma of a movie star. That along with her stunning good looks, naturally turquoise hair and neon green eyes make her irresistible to both men and women alike!
Her twin brother Gary-Stu has the build and beauty of a Roman God! Dark and moody, Gary-Stu tends to keep to himself. He has little or no respect for authority figures, but more often than not he will gain their respect. Like his sister, Gary-Stu is a prodigy when it comes to magic. He too has his Appearating license and can transform into any animal he chooses. He is what one would call a "stud-muffin" and is completely irresistible. The only physical trait that separates him from his sister (aside from the whole "lack-of-boobs" thing) is that he has blood red hair and golden eyes.
Their journey starts out in Diagon Alley, where they are buying supplies with everyone's favorite half-giant, Hagrid!
"Alrigh' now, since yer both startn' out in your fifth year, we should get yer supplies," Hagrid said as he lead them through the winding streets.
Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu originally came from Canada, where they defeated Voldemort's minions who had fled overseas. After the subsequent battle, Canada was left totally uninhabitable so everyone who lived there had to move to other places in the country. Everyone that is except for some crazy, screaming girl who could be heard shouting "Now I am finally free of you, Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu!" as the rest of Canada drove to Japan and England (It was February after all and the ocean was bound to be frozen).
Mary-Sue, Gary-Stu, and Hagrid became fast friends as they bought school supplies. "Oops," Mary-Sue said just as they were about to leave for the Leaky Cauldron, "We forgot to donate some of our insanely huge amount of money that we have stored in Gringotts to noteworthy wizarding charities!"
"I hate charities. I hate money. I hate everything." Gary-Stu muttered as he trudged off after his sister. "And I hate this snow." He added. It was a most peculiar snowfall, due to the fact that it was the middle of August.
After donating more money than there is on planet Earth to such funds as "Save the Blast-Ended Skwerts" and "The Flobberworm Protection Society", and waiting for the rest of August to pass, Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu finally make it to Hogwarts. Here they are sorted into Gryffindor.
"Oh my god, he's so gorgeous!" "Ain't she a looker!" "Hot damn, they're fine!" Were some of the things said to them at the feast.
Afterwards, in the Gryffindor common room, Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu were jumped by every other Gryffindor.
"Will you be my lover?" Harry asked Mary-Sue
"Will you be my lover?" Ron asked Mary-Sue
"Will you be my lover?" Hermione asked both Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu
"Now, now, everyone! There's enough of us to go around!" Mary-Sue said. Gary-Stu, for once, didn't look so dark and moody as he exclaimed, "Orgies are the one thing I don't hate!"
A few moments later, the only thing that could be heard coming from the Gryffindor common room was a sort of squelchy hum, and the occasional exclamation of "Oh, I didn't know you could bend that way!"
The next day was the beginning of everyone's classes. Mary-Sue and Gary- Stu's first class was Potions, and everyone (even the Slytherins) were trying to sit next to them.
"Class! So they're will be no more distractions, Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu will sit up at the front with me!" Snape commanded as he glided into the room. "Oh thank you professor! It's been ever so hard for us ever since we lost our parents in Canada!" Mary-Sue said, a single tear falling from the corner of her eye. "There, there sweet child," Snape said "I shall adopt you and make everything better!"
Mary-Sue sniffled a little, "Can I call you daddy?" she asked hopefully. "Of course you can" Snape said, hugging her fondly.
"I hate hugs." Gary-Stu growled.
After that, the progressed rather smoothly for our heroes. Others were not so fortunate. Harry Potter once again had to face Voldemort all on his lonesome, while Hermione had to choose whom she loved more, Gary-Stu or Ron. Ginny was probably the only one who was having a good year, what with her secret, torrid love affair with the Slytherin hottie, Draco Malfoy. Another one of the high points was the wedding of Fleur Delacour to Bill Weasley, Charlie and Percie's return to school, and the subsequent wearing of only a loincloth of all the male Weasley children!
It was one day, a particularly dark and gloomy day, uncharacteristically so since it was the middle of May, when disaster struck. Voldemort showed up at the school and killed Dumbledor! "Oh whatever shall we do?" Hermione weeped piteously as she clutched her Tickle Me Elmo doll. "I don't know, I'm nowhere near strong enough to even attempt to stop He-Who-Must-Not-Be- Named!" Harry wailed, clinging to Ron.
"Never fear!" a voice called out from the darkness. Everyone turned and there stood Mary-Sue! "Our savior!" professor McGonogall cried. Voldemort let loose with his oh-so famous Killing Curse, and then Mary-Sue became the only person to dodge the curse twice! Oh, don't you just love Mary-Sue? Confused by the lack of killing, Voldemort left himself wide open. Mary-Sue reached up and the sword of Gryffindor magically appeared in her hand. "Use the Force Mary-Sue!" said Dumbledor's spirit. With a determined look, Mary- Sue leapt at Voldemort and cleaved him in two!
"Wow Mary-Sue! You must be the true Heir of Gryffindor!" Harry said, patting her on the back.
But then before the celebration could continue any further, a cold voice echoed up from the depths of Hell.
"Yes, she may be the Heir of Gryffindor, but I an the Heir of Slytherin!"
And then with a booming explosion, Gary-Stu appeared before them!
"How can this be? We are of the same blood!" Mary-Sue asked, weeping openly at the thought of fighting her brother.
"Our mother was the descendant of Gryffindor, while our father was the last of the Slytherin. And as they say, 'like father, like son'! It was I who organized the Deatheaters in Canada, and it was I who had them kill our parents!" Gary-Stu said with a maniacal laugh.
"So be it, I shall avenge them both!" Mary-Sue said, running at her brother and thrusting her sword through his heart. Unfortunately, she did not see that he had the sword of Slytherin, which was now sticking through her chest.
"MARY-SUE!! GARY-STU!! NO!!!" Everyone screamed as the twins fell to the ground, dead.
"I won't be able to live the rest of my life!" Snape cried. He then performed the Killing Curse on himself. Soon the entire world followed suit, not being able to live without the wonders that were Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu.
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The crazy, screaming girl bolted up in her bed and fumbled for her watch in the dark. It read 3:34 AM. She got out of bed and saw that it was snowing. The calendar on the wall was on December, so she knew it was the right type of weather for the month. Heaving a sigh of relief, she climbed back into bed. The final thing she thought before drifting off to sleep was "Now I am finally free of you, Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu!"
The End (Thank GOD!!)
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Once upon a time, it was a dark and stormy night. There was an evil Dark Lord, and an infant boy who defeated him. But this isn't important, what is important is that Mary-Sue Gloryhog and her brother Gary-Stu are going to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry!
Mary-Sue is tall and shapely, and turned down numerous modeling agencies in order to go to Hogwarts. A Muggle-born witch, she is amazingly adept with magic, already has her Appearating license, is the only person who was ever able to get out of the way of an Advar Kadavar curse, sings like a diva and has all the charm and charisma of a movie star. That along with her stunning good looks, naturally turquoise hair and neon green eyes make her irresistible to both men and women alike!
Her twin brother Gary-Stu has the build and beauty of a Roman God! Dark and moody, Gary-Stu tends to keep to himself. He has little or no respect for authority figures, but more often than not he will gain their respect. Like his sister, Gary-Stu is a prodigy when it comes to magic. He too has his Appearating license and can transform into any animal he chooses. He is what one would call a "stud-muffin" and is completely irresistible. The only physical trait that separates him from his sister (aside from the whole "lack-of-boobs" thing) is that he has blood red hair and golden eyes.
Their journey starts out in Diagon Alley, where they are buying supplies with everyone's favorite half-giant, Hagrid!
"Alrigh' now, since yer both startn' out in your fifth year, we should get yer supplies," Hagrid said as he lead them through the winding streets.
Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu originally came from Canada, where they defeated Voldemort's minions who had fled overseas. After the subsequent battle, Canada was left totally uninhabitable so everyone who lived there had to move to other places in the country. Everyone that is except for some crazy, screaming girl who could be heard shouting "Now I am finally free of you, Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu!" as the rest of Canada drove to Japan and England (It was February after all and the ocean was bound to be frozen).
Mary-Sue, Gary-Stu, and Hagrid became fast friends as they bought school supplies. "Oops," Mary-Sue said just as they were about to leave for the Leaky Cauldron, "We forgot to donate some of our insanely huge amount of money that we have stored in Gringotts to noteworthy wizarding charities!"
"I hate charities. I hate money. I hate everything." Gary-Stu muttered as he trudged off after his sister. "And I hate this snow." He added. It was a most peculiar snowfall, due to the fact that it was the middle of August.
After donating more money than there is on planet Earth to such funds as "Save the Blast-Ended Skwerts" and "The Flobberworm Protection Society", and waiting for the rest of August to pass, Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu finally make it to Hogwarts. Here they are sorted into Gryffindor.
"Oh my god, he's so gorgeous!" "Ain't she a looker!" "Hot damn, they're fine!" Were some of the things said to them at the feast.
Afterwards, in the Gryffindor common room, Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu were jumped by every other Gryffindor.
"Will you be my lover?" Harry asked Mary-Sue
"Will you be my lover?" Ron asked Mary-Sue
"Will you be my lover?" Hermione asked both Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu
"Now, now, everyone! There's enough of us to go around!" Mary-Sue said. Gary-Stu, for once, didn't look so dark and moody as he exclaimed, "Orgies are the one thing I don't hate!"
A few moments later, the only thing that could be heard coming from the Gryffindor common room was a sort of squelchy hum, and the occasional exclamation of "Oh, I didn't know you could bend that way!"
The next day was the beginning of everyone's classes. Mary-Sue and Gary- Stu's first class was Potions, and everyone (even the Slytherins) were trying to sit next to them.
"Class! So they're will be no more distractions, Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu will sit up at the front with me!" Snape commanded as he glided into the room. "Oh thank you professor! It's been ever so hard for us ever since we lost our parents in Canada!" Mary-Sue said, a single tear falling from the corner of her eye. "There, there sweet child," Snape said "I shall adopt you and make everything better!"
Mary-Sue sniffled a little, "Can I call you daddy?" she asked hopefully. "Of course you can" Snape said, hugging her fondly.
"I hate hugs." Gary-Stu growled.
After that, the progressed rather smoothly for our heroes. Others were not so fortunate. Harry Potter once again had to face Voldemort all on his lonesome, while Hermione had to choose whom she loved more, Gary-Stu or Ron. Ginny was probably the only one who was having a good year, what with her secret, torrid love affair with the Slytherin hottie, Draco Malfoy. Another one of the high points was the wedding of Fleur Delacour to Bill Weasley, Charlie and Percie's return to school, and the subsequent wearing of only a loincloth of all the male Weasley children!
It was one day, a particularly dark and gloomy day, uncharacteristically so since it was the middle of May, when disaster struck. Voldemort showed up at the school and killed Dumbledor! "Oh whatever shall we do?" Hermione weeped piteously as she clutched her Tickle Me Elmo doll. "I don't know, I'm nowhere near strong enough to even attempt to stop He-Who-Must-Not-Be- Named!" Harry wailed, clinging to Ron.
"Never fear!" a voice called out from the darkness. Everyone turned and there stood Mary-Sue! "Our savior!" professor McGonogall cried. Voldemort let loose with his oh-so famous Killing Curse, and then Mary-Sue became the only person to dodge the curse twice! Oh, don't you just love Mary-Sue? Confused by the lack of killing, Voldemort left himself wide open. Mary-Sue reached up and the sword of Gryffindor magically appeared in her hand. "Use the Force Mary-Sue!" said Dumbledor's spirit. With a determined look, Mary- Sue leapt at Voldemort and cleaved him in two!
"Wow Mary-Sue! You must be the true Heir of Gryffindor!" Harry said, patting her on the back.
But then before the celebration could continue any further, a cold voice echoed up from the depths of Hell.
"Yes, she may be the Heir of Gryffindor, but I an the Heir of Slytherin!"
And then with a booming explosion, Gary-Stu appeared before them!
"How can this be? We are of the same blood!" Mary-Sue asked, weeping openly at the thought of fighting her brother.
"Our mother was the descendant of Gryffindor, while our father was the last of the Slytherin. And as they say, 'like father, like son'! It was I who organized the Deatheaters in Canada, and it was I who had them kill our parents!" Gary-Stu said with a maniacal laugh.
"So be it, I shall avenge them both!" Mary-Sue said, running at her brother and thrusting her sword through his heart. Unfortunately, she did not see that he had the sword of Slytherin, which was now sticking through her chest.
"MARY-SUE!! GARY-STU!! NO!!!" Everyone screamed as the twins fell to the ground, dead.
"I won't be able to live the rest of my life!" Snape cried. He then performed the Killing Curse on himself. Soon the entire world followed suit, not being able to live without the wonders that were Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
The crazy, screaming girl bolted up in her bed and fumbled for her watch in the dark. It read 3:34 AM. She got out of bed and saw that it was snowing. The calendar on the wall was on December, so she knew it was the right type of weather for the month. Heaving a sigh of relief, she climbed back into bed. The final thing she thought before drifting off to sleep was "Now I am finally free of you, Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu!"
The End (Thank GOD!!)