Hey! MattsyKun here. I asked Kaori if I could write a few Shinobi Guides, and she agreed. After all, she's one of my best friends. Check out the other nine if you want… I COMAAAAAND YOU!!
I was inspired to write this after installing and registering my new Microsoft Office 2007 on my computer. It was a pain doing it by phone… but that's what happens when the computer you've customized as your own has no internet.
I don't own Naruto. I only own Miyuki and her dog Shiro. Any concepts that you may recognize from the first nine Shinobi guides (i.e. Sarutobi Hachiko, the Scroll of Dubious Jutsu), I don't own. They belong to Kaori. Go away, Mr. Edgeworth. Go do the Caramelldansen with Mr. Wright.
The Shinobi's Guide to Internet
Chapter 1: Chain Letter of DOOM
By MattsyKun the Ninja Alchemist
Tsunade sat down at her new computer. She had spent some of Konoha's Entertainment Fund on a new laptop to ease the pain of paperwork. Apparently they have refrigerators and headsets, too, as well as computers. The Godaime logged into her account. There were a few icons on her desktop: Hokage's Documents, Die In a Fire Box, Konohanet (The Konoha Equivalent of Internet), Hokage's Pictures, and Konoyahoo (0)! Email. Tsunade then logged into her email as (1) and looked at her inbox.
"Spam, spam, spam, a tuna, spam spam tuna tuna (2)… mission requests, spam, spam, e-card from sukebe… what's this?" the Hokage asked, raising an eyebrow. It was titled "PAY ATTENTION TO THIS EMAIL!!" and was labeled urgent. She looked at the email address to see if she could recognize it: it came from a Konoyahoo group, but the email addresses she could not recognize.
"dangolover5 and imperialvisit4 (3)? Don't recognize them… oh, well, what harm could it do?" Tsunade shrugged. She opened the email and read it aloud.
"Dear Fortunate Shinobi,
YOU'VE JUST ONE 100000000 RYOU!
Psych! (Lol, I bet you were looking forward to the money, weren't you?)
You have been hit with the CHAIN LETTER OF DOOM! Send it on to someone who has not yet received this, and you can evade elimination. If you do not forward or delete this message, at 0:00 sharp, an enemy ninja (who it is is a surprise ) will appear on your ceiling, fall on you according to the laws of physics, and begin to unleash Jutsu that you may recognize. If you send it to more than 20 people, one person (of our choice) will be saved, whether they are the one who is most unfortunate or not.
See how many people you can forward this to before someone can't forward nomores!
Fancy Seal Thing
Dangolover5 and imperialvisit4"
The hokage must not have seen the seal mark at the end of the email before the two usernames. She had the email addresses of every single Shinobi in the village, so why not send it to a few? She clicked the little "forward" button at the end and chose one email address.
"." Tsunade said, "Perfect. Now, to change my wallpaper… The leaf village symbol background is a little bit drab, if you ask me… a picture of some slots or pachinko would be nice…"
The ramen loving jinchuuriki was currently surfing the internet with his slooooow dial-up. Dial-up is the slowest thing on the planet. Even though he lived right next to the internet base… tower… thingy, his internet was slow.
"YOU'VE GOT MAIL! DATTEBAYO!" his AOL account yelled obnoxiously (much like Naruto himself; someone passing by his window might have thought it was Naruto instead of the computer). Naruto covered his ears and turned down the volume before reading the email.
"Hm…" Naruto said as he read the chain letter. "Tsunade-obaachan sent this to me… that's weird…"
Naruto, like Tsunade before him, didn't see the little sealed mark before the usernames, and instead sent it on to Sakura, thinking she would send it to Sasuke. He thought about sending it to the pervy sage or Ebisu, but then he thought that if they couldn't send the email, he would be able to get his revenge, and the closet pervert and the sage pervert would never know. Indirect revenge is a good thing.
Meanwhile, in a little house on the outskirts of Konoha…
AnkoMitarashi and Miyuki Tomi were laughing at their evil creation. The ANBU and the Jonin had nothing better to do with their time, so they made a chain letter.
"Do you think the Tegami Bachi no Jutsu will work?" Anko asked, taking a bite of her dango. Miyuki grinned like a madwoman. The Jonin was a master of sealing jutsus.
"I believe so. I made it, after all.
What is the Tegami Bachi no Jutsu, you ask? It was a jutsu that Miyuki had created upon getting her first computer. It was like Sarutobi Hachiko's Divine Retribution no Jutsu, just over email. And the results could kill the last person to receive the email. Basically if the person didn't forward the email, an alert would be sent to the person who cast the jutsu's email. The user would then release the seal on the original email, and the object (or in this case, person) would appear out of thin air on the ceiling and land on the victim. The person would then begin firing off jutsu, whether he or she wanted to or not. The jutsu had been added to the Scroll of Dubious Jutsu by the third Hokage, and hadn't been used until now. It had been Anko's idea to use the jutsu, and Miyuki's idea to put it on a chain letter, because people love passing on chain letters. It was Konoha's pastime, like baseball is America's pastime.
"Kukuku… Naruto was right, laughing like Orochimaru is fun! Kukuku!" Anko chuckled.
"I prefer my own evil laugh. Mufufufufu… KWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Miyuki laughed evilly.
In the meantime, the main section of Konoha was in chaos. Neji spit out his tea all over his iMac after noticing the seal mark on the chain letter. The population of Shinobi that hadn't received the letter was growing very very thin... so thin it would soon be 2D, nay, 1D. Yes, 1D. A dot. It would be pixel-thin. Hehe… pixel…
Surprisingly, Sakura didn't send the chain letter to Sasuke, but sent it to Ino instead. Why? Because the obsessed Sasuke fangirl knew that Sasuke wouldn't bother forwarding the email, and with his luck, Itachi would land on him and begin to kill him slowly, and the obsessed Sasuke fangirls wouldn't have that. Ino had sent it to Shikamaru, who sent it to Choji, who sent it to Asuma, who sent it to Kurenai, who forwarded it to Shino, who didn't say anything but sent it to Kiba, who sent it to Hinata, who spazzed quietly but sent it to Neji, who spewed tea everywhere and sent it to Tenten, who sent it to Lee, who gushed about how unyouthful the letter was and forwarded it to Gai, who sent it to his "eternal rival" Kakashi, who simply blinked and sent it to Genma and the ANBU (afterwards he resumed watching his porn on the internet I mean looked up training exercises), who forwarded it to Kotetsu, who sent it to Izumo, who couldn't think of anyone else to send it to and sent it to Shizune. Shizune then proceeded to lecture the Hokage about how chain letters could carry viruses upon receiving the chain letter of DOOM.
"And lastly, this thing has a seal on it! What were you thinking, sending it?!"
"Shizune, if you don't forward it that could be you that will feel the effects of the email. Besides, I don't have anything better to do…" Tsunade said, taking a drink of her sake, which Shizune snatched from her hands.
"You have paperwork to do!" she said. Tsunade wilted but grudgingly went worked on the paperwork as Shizune went back to her laptop.
"Besides, there's no one else I can send it to."
"Read off the list of people." Tsunade said, signing a piece of random paperwork. If she had looked closely at it, underneath the genjutsu, it was an acceptance form for high-speed internet that Naruto had cleverly disguised with the "help" of Kakashi (AKA Blackmail and the threat to burn all of his Icha Icha paraphernalia).
"Um… You, Naruto, Sakura, Ino, Shikamaru, Choji, Asuma, Konohamaru, Iruka, Kakashi, Gai, Lee, Kurenai, Shino, Kiba, Hinata, Neji, Hiashi, Hiroshi, Tenten, Genma, Kotetsu, Izumo and me. It seems like Iruka sent it to the civilian masses and Kakashi sent it to the ANBU. I think Kurenai and Asuma sent it to the rest of the Shinobi population in the village. " Shizune said, looking at the two pages of email addresses.
"The only person left that hasn't gotten it is Sasuke." Tsunade said.
Shizune then forwarded the email onto the Emo kid.
Sasuke was training when he heard his computer let out an annoying beep, signaling that he had gotten a new email. The Uchiha read the email, and noticed the entire list of people that had received the email. He looked in his address book to see if there was someone who hadn't received the email.
There was…
Sasuke started to laugh evilly. Not Orochimaru's patented "Kukuku", but an all new, evil laugh that would be heard sometime in the Shippuden episodes. As Sasuke hit the send button, he started laughing manically.
"At last! It is complete!" Sasuke yelled, and then proceeded to laugh like a crazy person who had just broke out of the Loony Bin and was now wreaking havoc throughout the streets of New York. Or like Light Yagami in the last episode of Death Note. God that had me rotflmao.
"BE QUIET OUT THERE!" a random female Jonin shouted, throwing a dictionary and clocking Sasuke in the head with it. Sasuke crumpled to the ground but laughed feebly before passing out.
I got the idea for this chapter from a Bleach fanfic called "Pass It On". Basically Urahara sent a chain letter that at the stroke of midnight, Rukia would appear, draw her Zanpakuto, and start whaling on the poor soul who didn't send the email (which happened to be Ichigo). Kudos to the guy that wrote it.
(0) It's the Konoha equivalent of Yahoo. The idea is the "y" is silent, so it sounds something like Konowahoo. I think…
(1) Tsunade's email translates to Legendary Sucker.
(2) Bensolo's Fullmetal Alchemist Abridged Movie. My favorite line: "F-- up number one: YOU ATE ALL OF MY F--NG TUNAAAA! NOW I HAVE TO EAT F--ING SPAM!!"
(3) the first one is Anko, obviously. Miyuki's name really means "Silence of deep snow" (according to a baby name book I checked out from the library), but when I put it into my computer Japanese dictionary, it came out as Imperial Visit.
Who did the clearly insane Sasuke send the chain letter to? You'll just have to wait and see, next time on the cracklicious show… I mean chapter… of The Shinobi's Guide to the Internet! This is your host Ranger MattsyKun saying, the gates to the temple of champions have been sealed! Whoops, that's Unbeatable Banzuke… I mean… Oh, forget it. Let's just go with that.