Loss (Through a Child's Eyes)
"Everyone says that I was too young to remember the day Mommy died, but they are wrong."
It started off as a very bad day. I was playing in my room when Kat came in and stepped on my black lion and broke him. While she was hopping up and down she began yelling at me. I started to cry. Mommy ran into my room. She looked scared when she picked me up. Once I stopped crying, Kat stopped yelling and tried to explain what happened. Mommy told Kat to be more careful in my room. (hehe)
Kat stormed off. Mommy sat me down and picked up the piece of my broken lion. "We will see if Daddy can fix him." She told me.
Then lights began flashing and sirens blared. Mommy scooped me up and ran to the nursery, where Daddy, Kat and Nanny met us. Mommy gave me to Nanny, and then ran off with Daddy.
That was the last time I saw her with her eyes open. Kat and I were watching the lions fighting the big bad monster when there was a big flash of light. Then Black lion fell and he looked a lot like my black lion. There were more bright lights and then the other lions landed around Black. I barely saw Daddy as he jumped out of Yellow and into Black.
Then Nanny pulled us away from the window and she was crying. But she cries a lot. Nanny picked me up and took Kat's hand. She took us to a small room with lots of chairs and couches. And there were lots of people wearing funny clothes and some were wearing masks. Soon Uncle Keith came in. He was in a strange chair with wheels on it. But he let me climb into his lap anyway. Then Daddy, Uncle Lance, Uncle Pidge and Auntie Allura came running into the room. Daddy looked more scared than Mommy did this morning.
"Daddy," I called out to him and held my arms out for him to pick me up. Daddy took me in his arms and held me tight. His face was all wet like he'd been playing in the rain. He picked up Kat and held us both. Daddy scared me.
Everyone watched the door. Finally a man wearing a long white coat over his PJs came in. Nanny took Kat and Allura took me into their arms. Daddy walked into the hall with the man. I could only see Daddy's back. Suddenly Daddy began to shake. Dad walked away with the man.
When Daddy came back to the room his eyes were all red. He was sad. Allura and Nanny began to cry. Quietly Daddy took me and Kat home. I ran into the kitchen and looked for Mommy. She wasn't there. I ran to her bedroom. I looked everywhere. Finally confused I went back to the living room where Daddy was. He was playing with Mommy's sword, the one we are not supposed to touch. "Daddy, where's Mommy?"
Setting the sword down, he crossed the room and knelt down in front of me. "Mommy is in heaven." He answered quietly.
"When is she coming back?"
"Heaven is not a place that you can come back from."
"Why not?"
Water started coming out of Daddy's eyes. "She can't. I wish I could explain it so you could understand." He said as he gave me a big hug.
"I want Mommy."
"So, do I" Daddy whispered into my hair.
Then Nanny knocked on our door and announced that Kat and I needed a bath before dinner. Yuck I hate when she gives me a bath. I like the way Mommy did it better. I behaved myself and tried to help Nanny.
Nanny got out clothes for all of us including Daddy. I thought that would be funny Daddy likes picking out his own clothes but Daddy didn't even argue with her. He just dressed in the clothes she picked out for him.
He was acting very strange. Everyone was. Nanny was usually mean but that night she extra nice.
Dinner was very quiet. Even Uncle Lance was quiet and he is always lots of fun. "Is black lion going to be all right?' I asked. My voice was terribly loud in the quiet room. Daddy looked like he was in pain and then he ran from the room. "Daddy!" I yelled after him. I slipped down from my chair and ran after him. "Daddy?" I found him sitting on the floor in the hall. He was shaking all over. I tip-toed over to him and gave him a hug. He gave me a hug back. "I'm sorry, Daddy"
"You have nothing to be sorry, Kenzo."
"Why are you crying Daddy?" I wiped his face with my sleeve.
"I miss Mommy."
Finally we went back into the dining room and ate dinner. But I wasn't very hungry. I knew something was very wrong. I couldn't tell what it was though.
Daddy was up early the next morning. Usually Mommy would have to yell at him for an hour before he would get up. When I got up to go to the bathroom, Daddy was sitting on the floor with Mommy's sword in his hands. His eyes were closed and his fingers kept moving over the handle. His eyes were closed just like when Mommy does her serious thinking. She explained that to me. I tiptoed to the bathroom. He was still sitting there when I came back. I crept up to him and sat down in front of him like I do with Mommy. She let me put my hands on top of hers. I was very careful not to touch the sword I didn't want Mommy mad at me.
I started to close my eyes when Daddy opened his. "Kenzo, what are you doing up?" he asked.
"Serious thinking," I answered quickly. "Mommy and I do it all the time. And then we dance."
"When Uncle Keith gets better would you like to dance with him?"
I thought for a minute, "Okay, but he is not as fun as Mommy. We have danced with him lots in the garden."
Daddy smiled, but his eyes didn't light up like they usually do. It was like a room before you turn the lights on at night. Dark.
We went to breakfast. Nanny was very busy. She acted like she was getting ready for a party or something. Daddy barely ate anything. He talked with Coran mostly.
After breakfast Daddy took us home. He told us he didn't have to work today. Nanny stopped by an hour later and got in a fight with Daddy. She wanted to take Mommy's white dress and Daddy told her he wanted the red dress and the jacket with all the shiny things on it. Daddy won. Nanny carried the red dress, matching shoes and the jacket when she left.
Before dinner, Daddy had us dress up and he took us to a small church with lots of candles and windows that were made of lots of colors. Uncle Keith was there too. He was still in his funny chair with Uncle Lance pushing him. There were lots of flowers too and something that kinda looked like a bed. It had a big blanket on it that looked like an Arusian flag. Mommy taught me what it looked like.
About half way to the bed, Daddy picked me up. Then I had a good view of the bed. "MOMMY!" I screamed. "MOMMY WAKE UP!" I started crying. Daddy stopped and hugged me tight. I heard Uncle Keith soft voice say something to Daddy. I felt Daddy lean down and Uncle Keith took me and my two uncles and I left the church. He took me outside to the garden. He held me for a long time until I stopped crying.
"She's never coming back is she?" I felt my chest get tight and my heart hurt. Tears filled my eyes again.
"No I am afraid not," Uncle Keith's words were gentle as he rubbed my back.
"Uncle Keith, will you please teach me to dance like Mommy did with her sword?"
"As soon as I am better, I will start teaching you."
"Thank you," I got up on my knees and gave him a hug. I swallowed hard as I sat back down. "Can I go see Mommy now? I think I need to say good bye." Tears slid down my cheeks.
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Yes," I answered. "I am Mommy's brave little boy. She said so." I was certain. "Wait!" I struggled to slide from Uncle Keith's lap. Uncle Lance helped me down. I ran across the garden to the dark red rose bush. Uncle Lance knew what I was trying to do he came over and helped me. I picked a pretty red one and a white one. Mommy always compared me to the red and Kat to the white.
I walked back to Uncle Keith. "Are you ready now?" he asked.
"Yes," I answered as Uncle Lance set me on Uncle Keith's lap. As I rode back to the church I dried my face.
I was scared as we got closer to the bed. But it looked more like a box the closer I got to it. When Uncle Keith stopped, Uncle Lance picked me up and took me the last two steps. It was really Mommy in the box. She looked pretty, just like she was sleeping. I whispered to Uncle Lance to lean in closer so I could put the flowers in her hand. He helped me. Her hand was so cold when I touched it. I felt the tears building up again. I tried to fight them. "I love you Mommy." Daddy came up beside me and I curled up into his arms.
After that we sat down in the front row and a man in black robes began talking. I started to get sleepy. I don't remember leaving the church. But I remember waking up and I was in my bed. I heard a noise in the living room so I tiptoed in the dark and saw Daddy trying to quietly walk to the door. It opened and he slipped out. I followed him. It wasn't hard. He was not walking fast. He went back to the church. I watched Daddy from the back of the church in the shadows. He was talking to Mommy and crying.
Then I felt an arm around me, giving me a hug. I turned away from Daddy. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Mommy! She put her finger to her lips. Though she looked a little funny I could almost see through her. Her whisper was the same. "My brave little Kenzo, I will always love you, my special little boy."
"I love you, Mommy." I whispered as she smiled she faded away.
I woke up the next morning back in my bed. Daddy was there when I opened my eyes. He was dressed in his uniform with the shiny things on it. He helped me get dressed and we had a light breakfast. I got to ride in a carriage with Auntie Allura and Nanny. Daddy and my Uncles rode on white stallions all around the cart that had the box covered with the blanket. There were people everywhere and they all were following us.
When we stopped Daddy and my uncles even Uncle Keith who moved very slowly picked up the box and started carrying it. Then perfect strangers moved in and also began helping carry it. Auntie Allura held my hand as we walked behind it. We climbed a few steps and there was a larger box made of stone that they set the wooden box on.
Then Uncle Keith turned to the crowd. "Today we gather to bid farewell to a gentle spirit. She fought fiercely and loved just as much. She loved Arus as if she had lived here all of her life. And she gave her life willingly so that the people of Arus could be free."
Daddy stopped flying Yellow. One night I heard Daddy tell Uncle Keith that he would not leave his children without both of their parents and they had already lost one. Uncle Keith has kept his promise. He has started teaching me martial arts. Daddy's eyes still don't quite have the spark that they used to, but they shine when he watches Uncle Keith and I practice. I will always miss Mommy, but when Uncle Keith and I are doing our t'ai chi. I can feel her moving with us.