I am still working on Another Average Day in the Life of Seeley Booth, but this little drabble popped into my head a couple of days ago. It is set before the season four finale: The End in the Beginning. It is more of an angsty-type story. It is actually the first of its kind coming from me. ;)
I also created this to give some sort of credit to the writers about the season finale. Even though they have wronged in the past they have usually been able to correct their mistakes (still waiting on Zack, however). I'm hoping that the writers have just given themselves more material to work with and not something they can stab themselves in the foot with.
It is from Brennan's point of view. I can't really say anything more, without ruining it, so please read if you want to find out. :)
Disclaimer: I say this every single time. If it were mine, it would be very, VERY different!!
Rain
She sighed as she stared out the slightly open window.
She took a deep breath in.
She loved the smell of the rain.
The rain washed away the filth and grit that normally filled the gutters of the streets. It washed away the dirt that hid the true nature of the city. It could be beautiful if it was clean.
The water from the rain, while rinsing away the grime of the city, also brought new life. The plants that were usually dry and dusty had a chance to grow once more.
A fresh start at life.
The phrase echoed through her mind.
A fresh start.
If only it were that easy. If only everything could be erased by a down pour of water. To just start over again.
These emotions she was feeling were so complicated she could hardly comprehend them. They were so new and different. She wished that she could just begin to understand them so she would at least know where to start.
She sighed.
She needed to think this out. Okay, what did she know?
She loved him.
She froze.
When did she know that? When did she start to realize that she loved him?
He had infuriated her the day she met him. Yet he was kind to her not long after.
She realized she couldn't put a specific date on when this had started to happen.
She supposed that it had slowly grown over the time she knew him.
It had just happened.
There was no way she could have stopped it. How could she have stopped it if she didn't even realize it was happening?
But if she knew it was happening, would she have stopped it?
The question troubled her.
Her answer made it even more troubling.
The more she thought about it; she realized that even if she knew it had been happening, she wouldn't. She wouldn't have wanted to change a single thing that had happened between them.
The good or the bad.
He had saved her from kidnappers, from getting shot.
He had saved her from herself.
He had taught her that people deserved a second chance, that there was often more lying underneath it all, that people often had ulterior motives.
He had taught her about life, love, and even surprisingly more, herself.
When she thought she had already known everything.
That she was looking for something that she didn't realize she was looking for.
Those were the things that led them to where the currently were.
So close together that they knew every single detail of one another. So close and yet, it felt like there was some boundary keeping them apart.
When they had talked about that line years ago, she knew it was metaphorical. That it shouldn't have an actual impact on real life. It was an agreement that they had made about co-workers in high-risk situations.
She hadn't actually thought that the concept would apply to them one day.
She felt another emotion that she found surprising to this situation.
Pain.
A sharpness within her that felt like it was hard to breathe. Like something was broken.
She knew that this was silly, irrational. She hadn't been injured recently.
Yes, she had experienced emotional pain before. When her father left. When she let Sully go. When her father left again. When she found out Zack was Gormogon's apprentice.
But nothing ever like this.
Knowing the fact that she could never let him know.
The idea of not telling him frustrated her.
She hated not telling the truth.
Even when working on a case, withholding trivial pieces of information that may not have pertained to that case they were working on, felt like lying.
As much as she hated it, she couldn't do it.
There was just too much to risk.
Of course there was the whole high-risk-work-relationship theory that they had discussed, but that was only the part of the risk.
The other part she was concerned about was... herself.
It was so inconsequential, so petty to admit... but it was true.
If she told him and he didn't respond the same way… She wouldn't be able to have him leave her.
Others had left her before, but never him.
No, never him.
He had promised.
She would have liked to have believed that he would keep this promise, but as she had seen with many of the cases that they worked together, even her own life, people often forgot and broke their promises.
Not that she thought he would do that. Booth always kept his promises.
But if he needed to leave, she would have prepared herself for it. Self-preservation. It was an instinct that she needed to follow.
That was another thing she had learned from him. Follow your gut instinct.
Why did she have this feeling that she needed to protect herself? She wasn't going to tell him so there would be no reason for him to leave her. It would be unnecessary to prepare herself for his absence.
Booth wasn't going anywhere. He didn't even have a trip planned.
Uneasiness washed over her. Her mind swirled with many and much too strong emotions. Any emotion tied to him was always intensified.
Brennan looked out the window once more.
It was still raining.
In that moment, she wished the rain were pouring down on her. Washing away whatever complications were between herself and Booth. Allowing them a fresh start.
A second chance.
In this new start, he would flirt and pry himself into her life. Slowly, of course, so she wouldn't notice. Once she would realize what was happening, she would try to resist but end up finding herself being charmed and being completely in love with him once more.
Exactly how it happened the first time.
Only when it would come down to it, she would learn from her mistake, she would tell him.
She would tell him sooner.
Despair washed over her. Was the true reason she couldn't tell him now was because she had waited too long?
There had been many opportune moments over the years. She could have told him then.
But had she known then?
She supposed that she had always known in some way. She had usually ignored it. Turned away from the feeling and focused on work.
She was scared that she had missed the time to tell him. It was too late now. All she could do now was stand by him. Hoping that... maybe something would change the path they were currently on.
She couldn't ever let him know. That she loved him. It seemed easier now to admit it. But she could never tell him.
She looked out at the rain once more, then to the man lying in the hospital bed.
Then to her laptop once more.
Hoped you liked it. Like I mentioned above, this is actually the first time I've written a true angst story without adding some sort of humor in it to ruin it all...I think of it as a cleansing story, for me and the character. Everything that I have thought is pretty much being being vented from Brennan.
Please read (well, I suppose you've already done that) and review.