WHEN YOU DIE . . .
Life is too short. People only live for seventy or eighty at most, and if under good conditions it could exceed to ninety years. But for some people life is much shorter than this span. It's quite ironic how life reminds me of death and how death reminds me of life. They are two contradicting nature. The one shows existence while the other one describes nothingness.
Life is simple but as you grow older, things get more complicated. That's what I believe, based on my experience. Life is nothing but a mere frustrations. I try to live my life the way I wanted, the way I had planned it when I was young. I have dreams, and dare to fulfill them but what life could do is to disappoint me all the more. Then I met him, at the strangest place, at the weirdest situation.
Opposite poles attracts while the same poles repeal, simple rule that makes sense. We often disagree to things that what most people consider as petty arguments, like what should the color of the fence be or how the rice should be cook or who would be the one to clean the kitchen counter . It's too childish but me being me all the times would nag him about it until he gave up while he always being him is yielding. I wonder how we ended up being together, I'm still surprised.
Nursing someone is not the same as loving someone. But I already loved him even before he was ill. Our story is not the typical love story, the one that you usually read on romance novel or watched on romantic movies that has and-they-live-happily-ever-after ending.
I have to cherish every moment with him good even bad thinking that this might be the last chance I'll be seeing him. I have to for sooner or later there will be nothing left of him, only the dear memories that would remind me that once there exist a lovely person as he is.
The thought of loosing him is very painful, the thought that one morning I will be waking up without seeing his lovely face anymore. That there would be an empty space in the house that he could only fill in. That I would be living a day without hearing him humming a sweet lullaby. That I would be sleeping and waking up in the morning only to find out that the other side of the bed is empty.
I was a bit disappointed. How this world had made so much changes and advancement in medicines and technology then yet why can't they cure such simple illness. He said it's simply because doctors are not God. They are humans and fragile like anyone else. What hurts the most is watching the one you loved suffer from the pain and watch him as he was slowly succumbed to death. It was so hard to pretend , to pretend you're strong when all you could do is hide the pain inside those assuring smile whenever the situation like this happened.
Then finally one day it hit me. He was lying on the hammock watching the sunset peacefully like he always did. Old habits are hard to forget. He was counting something that I don't know. He can hardly move his thin fingers. The color of his cheeks reminds me of death. I asked him what he was doing. Then he pointed out at the setting sun. I won't be here anymore to watch the sunrise. It's so sad because next time you have to do it by yourself, without me on your side. You have to get used to it. I know, I truly know that time would come. But I wasn't expecting it too soon, nor I'm prepared for it.
Then it came unexpectedly. I know this is the time, the time that I wish to God it won't arrived. No matter how hard I tried I could no longer change the color of his face. It used to be pale, only this time it looked paler and duller. Yet he managed to plaster a sweet smile, the same smile that used to remind me of spring. I hold his hand, it was still warm but I know for sure he could no longer feel my soft hand on his. I pinch his palm but he didn't pinch back mine. It was soft. I know crying won't do me any good now. Besides, I have already cried many of them, those many nights and many days when all I can do is to cry while he was crying in the agony of pain. This one is an exception though. I know this the conclusion.
After all this time I still long to see his face, I missed those times when I would be awaken by him and be greeted by his smile on his face. and now more than ever I need those re-assuring smile to tell me that everything will be OK once it's over. I missed those times when I would lean on his shoulder while I was wrapped around his arms. It was warm inside. That time I could clearly see forever. That moment is when forever started and I wish it would never end there.
I could still fell him, the smell of his after shave cream on the bathroom, his favorite blue bowl where he fed our Siamese cat, everything in this world reminds me of him. Everything in the house left a memory of him. I can feel him whenever I catch a glimpse of his grand piano, it's as if he was there playing a wonderful music.
Loving him is probably a start of a sad story. But still I take the risk. True love comes once in a blue moon. You would never know unless you gamble. Finding your love doesn't mean keeping it forever. And that makes it more precious, it comes once and it only lasted for a moment. Though you hold on to it time will come when you really have to let go. After all we are humans and we didn't last long. Our life is like a fresh green grass in the morning that withered at the end of the day.
We often give wrong impression as to what true love is. It always has a positive connotation. But come to think of it the world is composed of two opposing matters, good always comes with bad and bad with good. The supposed to be sad story ended up to be the most wonderful story ever told.
I'd rather change the ending of our story to be different. But I guess ours is no more than ordinary. Our story is just like the other. It was full of hope though. That is the only thing we used to cling to or I could hold on to now that he is gone.
I still cried at night. Can't help it. I remembered the night when he asked me out of the blue "Will I ever see you again?" The question really caught me off guard. Before I could even answer he had his lips gently pressed on my forehead. "Just promise me you'll be there when I wake up."
After he died I come to appreciate life more. I started counting my blessings and it really took me by surprised just how many I receive. Simple things that I used to neglect. Being with him is a blessing itself. Finding him is a miracle. Without him I won't realized how much I'm worth.
The pain is as good as dying. There are times I wish I was dead. But what keeps me going on is the strong believe that we could be together again on that one sweet day.
I wish I have spoken these words to him. But I was too scared and now I regret it. He completes me and now without my other behalf I would be as empty as before I find him. I wish I took part on his pain, I wish I could make it mine. Everyday is a struggle.
But still the hardest and saddest word to say is "Good bye". How I wish he never left. It so hard to accept the truth that he's gone now forever.