Part I
"Ah, Haru. I thought I'd find you here." Makoto says lightly as he steps out of the doorway and into the yard with the school pool. Haru only hums before dipping back into the water and gliding to the other side.
Haru seems to be having fun, and it's a pleasant enough day, so Makoto makes himself comfortable on the ground a couple meters away. Sitting on his jacket, he pulls out a textbook and thumbs through it. They should probably both be studying, what with tomorrow's science assessment. But then, it's much more entertaining to watch a carbon life form move through H2O than it is to read anything of the sort. Especially when the life form is as easy on the eyes as Haru.
If Haru's taking an afterschool break, why can't he? Not a minute after he retrieves it Makoto abandons the book and resigns himself to what he's been doing his entire life: watching.
Years Makoto has spent watching Haru swim. It's one of the great pleasures of Makoto's life, really. When this man meets water, it's always beautiful. Natural and graceful and passionate, with just the tiniest hint of something... ah, longing. Definitely longing, to which Makoto can certainly relate. And just as Haru is the best part of his life, in creating this longing, he's also the worst.
Every moment of every day, Haru wishes to be in the water, and Makoto wishes to be beside Haru. But not beside him as he is now. With him, really with him. Caring and being cared for. Loving and being loved. Makoto's is a cliche unrequited love, perhaps, but that doesn't make it any easier to take. At the end of their time together each day, when he has to resist the urge to kiss his friend goodbye, he still wonders if he was a kidnapper in a previous life to deserve this kind of torture.
So, instead of taking Haru's hand and sharing his life, Makoto watches Haru swim. At least he gets to see Haru happy, right? That should be enough. And while Makoto's sufficiently distracted, it is. When he's, say, chattering about any given topic, he can stare and ignore the ache in his heart and enjoy himself.
So, when Haru's head bobs above the surface again, he does just that. "So, the swim team is really taking off, ne? With pools and joint practices and a manager," Makoto says with as wide a smile as he can muster. Haru gazes up, eyebrows raised, probably wondering if he is expected to answer. With a moment's hesitation, he ducks back into the water and returrns after a couple laps. When black hair and light skin break the calm surface again, Makoto continues, "We have five members, counting Kou-chan. Who would have thought it?"
As Makoto watches, now content, Haru takes a floating position near the edge (toned muscles now barely submerged and visible enough to be impressive, Makoto notices). After years of experience, Makoto knows just what this means. Haru is listening, but doesn't want to stop swimming for the sake of conversation. Makoto agrees to himself that this is a fine compromise. "Oh, did you know she's going out with the captain of Samezuka's team?"
Haru hums, looking perfectly serene. Makoto's smile widens. He looks up into the deep blue sky of late afternoon and searches for a direction to carry the conversation. He's almost there, it almost doesn't hurt.
But right when Makoto looks back at Haru to speak, he loses his train of thought. Gorgeous azure eyes- the ones he's always loved- are half open, and locked on him. It takes Makoto's breath away. Haru...
Haru's face adjusts slightly, with the tiniest little movement. The kind so undetectable Makoto is certain only he could have seen it, even if there were a thousand other onlookers. But what's it mean? Oh, probably something along the lines of, Are you ever going to finish that thought? Right. Bad Makoto, bad.
"Uh... Kou-chan sure is pretty, isn't she?" Could have said worse. Does Makoto look as panicked as he now feels? Has the sun been this hot the entire time? Jumping in that pool seems pretty appealing.
"I guess I wouldn't know." Haru mutters, still not taking his eyes off Makoto. That's odd. Usually he's not so focused on something other than the water, not so intensely. Something is definitely off about this whole situation. Makoto vaguely wonders when that happened, though already knows it was probably something he said.
"Hm? What do you mean? She has," Makoto starts, but really he's describing Haru when he says, "nice eyes, a cute smile, and the sweetest—"
"Makoto," Haru snaps. "I'm gay."
Nothing moves. Not Makoto's heart, not Haru's gaze, not even the wind on the water. All is still, and Makoto's mind goes completely blank as he just sort of loses himself. It's a long moment, or at least it feels that way, before his mind returns to his head and he can move his lips just enough to mutter, "You, you're gay? So like—"
"I don't look at girls like that."
Makoto isn't sure how he got where he did. He just knows that his eyes are closed, and there's water around him, even though he's still fully clothed. It's cold, but he doesn't care, because Haru is warm against him, chest up to chest and arms clutched in hands.
His lips are the warmest.
Haru's mouth, pressed gently into his, is the only thing Makoto can think about. A thousand cheesy love song lyrics slur in his subconscious, and simple, chaste pleasure pounds through his veins. It just feels so right, like things belong this way. This moment is the one for which he's been waiting for so long. It's right out of a perfect dream. Makoto smiles against Haru and pulls him closer.
But Haru doesn't get closer. A hand presses firmly into Makoto's chest through his shirt, right around where his heart has completely frozen. His eyes jerk open as he's shoved away. Makoto barely knows what's happening, but all contact has been lost, and he has a feeling it isn't good. Suddenly he's glad lazily flowing hair keeps drifting in front of Haru's eyes. Haru… pushed him off, rejected him. And Makoto's afraid to see that reflected in the eyes he loves so much.
All in one instant, the dream has fallen into a nightmare.
Not knowing what else to do, Makoto resurfaces. With the air comes a wave of confusion, and the beginnings of pain. Haru floats up more hesitantly, and even skips his signature hair flip, choosing to anxiously run his hand through it instead. He looks pensive, and hurt.
"Why… would you do that?" He asks slowly, staring down at the water.
Makoto's voice is quiet and unsteady. "Haru…"
"That isn't what I meant by what I said."
"I just…"
"Just because I love men doesn't mean I love you." It's a dagger, right into Makoto's aching heart. Almost worse is the realization that things won't be the same for a while, maybe ever. He won't be able to look at Haru the same. And even though things weren't ideal before, this reality is a hell of a lot worse.
Haru's expression is cold, harsh, but something changes after a moment. He must have noticed how Makoto is crumbling before him, and he softens, if only a little.
"Makoto." When Makoto doesn't respond, Haru continues with a small sigh. "I just thought you should know that I am. So, don't expect me to check out Kou."
Oh. Makoto's known Haru for so long, he understands him so well, that the confusion quickly falls away as he floats there in the pool. Even though it's only a few meters, it suddenly feels like an ocean of distance, because Makoto knows what this means and how things are going to work, and knows things don't look good for him. "It's her brother, isn't it, Haru?"
Haru looks away and makes an affirmative sound, deep in his throat.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed—when you said what you did, I just—I guess I got carried away and excited—I didn't think…. I just didn't think." The water makes an empty sound as he moves through it and climbs out of the pool, uniform sopping uncomfortably as he sloshes over to his bag and books.
Haru calls after him, with those lips that he knew for one sweet second. He freezes, turned away. "Does this mean… You love me?"
Slowly, Makoto throws his head back over his shoulder and gives him that old Makoto smile. He wonders if Haru can see the pain behind it. Probably, he could, but he doesn't, because when has Haru ever really looked at Makoto to begin with? "I always have."
It's a long, lonely walk home. It's a long, lonely afternoon of helping Ren and Ran with their homework. It's a long, lonely evening of staring out the window, thinking in circles about why Haru loves Rin and not him. And it's the longest, loneliest night of his life when Makoto settles into bed, only to toss and turn and shout silent curses at the ceiling, if only I hadn't done that echoing through his mind. But Makoto has done it, he did dive into the water and kiss Haru, he did admit his biggest secret, and he can't take it back.
And so begins those heartache days when regret weighs down on every action, every thought, every last individual moment. Makoto doesn't want to hurt Haru, he wants to stay friends, and salvage what he can of his childhood companionship, so he goes to Haru's house the next morning and gets him out of the bath.
He extends a hand, bids Haru-chan good morning, and makes a point of smiling, but it hurts because it's not the same. The way Haru won't look him in the eye is proof enough of that. Makoto ruined it, he ruined a decade of friendship, and he just wants to punch himself and go back in time and lay down and die, all at once, all as he's stepping out of Haru's home and back onto the street to walk to school.
Makoto wonders if they're pretending nothing ever happened. He's not sure how long he'll be able to keep it up if they are.
"Have you been crying?"
"Oh, I'm fine, it's just allergies."
That's their morning conversation, in its entirety, and Makoto's never been more ready for class to start than he is today.
Makoto can't focus. He's a pretty good student, always has been, but not today. Today, Ama-chan-sensei could be wearing a swimsuit in the front of the classroom, and he would not notice a thing. Haru is right there, right next to him, and it's making Makoto rather uncomfortable, because he can't tell if he's being ignored, or if that's just Haru being normal, spacy Haru.
Makoto feels a sneeze coming on. All he can think about for five minutes is whether or not that means Haru is thinking about him. Wait, does that mean Haru has felt a sneeze coming on this whole time? Or maybe that was just for speech.
Around the third hour of class, Makoto realizes just how exhausted he is from all this thinking, all this obsessing. He's going to make himself sick if he keeps this up. Some sort of decision has to be made. Which decision, he's not sure, but he'll decide by… by the end of this afternoon's swim meet. Yeah, that makes sense. He can decide by the time he's left Samezuka's campus. In the meantime, he can take a few minutes and try to relax. He's acting like a childish school girl with a crush, and if he doesn't cut it out, he's just going to snap. Haru would want him to not worry so much, and just be, right?
With a deep breath and slow, calming thoughts about a flower field, Makoto does his best to forget for a while.
He wakes up at his desk when Haru pokes him in the shoulder. "Lunch time." And then Haru walks out, so Makoto follows, drowsy and disappointed. He was enjoying that dream, and the smile on Haru's face as Makoto held his hand. There had even been this cute little blush when Makoto mentioned how much he loved Haru. As he trailed down the hall after his friend, he knew the possibility of that dream becoming reality was nonexistent. His appetite was lost.
It was probably for the best, though, because Haru had apparently forgotten his lunch—again— so Makoto gladly volunteered his own. Nagisa caught up to them on the roof and sat down, smile wide and eyes bright and shining in the sun. Makoto hoped the tension he felt wouldn't be too obvious to a third party, because he really didn't feel like explaining himself right now. This whole forget-the-problem-and-worry-later thing really wasn't working out as well as he had hoped. But, not wanting to make rash decisions, Makoto stuck with it and did his best to keep up with the conversation.
"Let's talk about the joint swim meet!" Wonderful.
Act natural. "Ah, okay." Right, just like that. Except like a natural human, not a natural awkward mushroom.
"Those are so much fun, getting to swim altogether with Rin-chan again!" Nagisa said, taking a happy bite out of his bento and practically dripping childish happiness and enthusiasm.
Makoto and Haru hummed in unison. "It's great to swim in that pool," Haru added.
"Mm, but I like our pool, too. It's like we raised it ourselves. We brought it up from being a baby pool."
"Makoto," Haru said suddenly, dropping the pool conversation all together. "Are we walking home together this afternoon?"
"Ah… I don't see why not. Why?"
"I'm out of food. We need to stop at the store on the way home."
"M-mm. That's fine."
"Thanks."
"Aw, you guys, no fair! You spend all your time together. I want to go shopping with you." Nagisa's words cause an embarrassed glance to be shared by Makoto and Haru, who each look away a moment later and try mumbling some excuse. "Okay, then. On second thought, I don't need to go mackerel shopping. Maybe I'll take a run with Rei or something, ne?"
The rest of lunch is tedious and a little exasperating. Or maybe Makoto's describing himself. He's driving himself crazy. He almost manages to focus for the rest of the school day, luckily, and with great effort. Truthfully, he's just happy to have it over with as the Iwatobi Swim Club sets foot on the Samezuka campus.
Rin is there, avoiding eye contact as he trains with that little Nitori of his. Deftly, Makoto hears the Samezuka team captain announce a few minutes of free swim time to warm up. He's more focused on the way Haru is staring, no, gawking at Rin. How has Makoto never noticed that before? He looks like a lovesick puppy, with his lip curved into a slight frown, his muscles tense and clearly resistant, and his eyes distant, yearning, almost helpless. It makes Makoto feel awful in so many different ways, but he can't quite look away. With the tiniest sigh, Haru dives into the water and immerses himself in the clear peace. In there, Makoto knows, Haru doesn't have to think about Rin, or Makoto, or even himself. In there, there is nothing he doesn't want.
Makoto wishes he had such an escape. Instead, he sits poolside and watches Nagisa and Rei compare notes on floating techniques, wondering how things are going to end up.
The elastic on Haru's goggles snaps just before it's time to start the relays. Makoto lends him his own pair, and decides not to swim this afternoon, if he can help it. "Oh, I'm not really feeling well, but I'd like to watch," he says, and lets his feet dangle into the water, timer in hand. Haru finishes 200 meters, and Makoto gets in position to lend him a hand out.
And that's when it hits him, his decision.
Makoto has been by Haru's side their entire childhood. He can't leave now. Even if Haru doesn't return his feelings, Makoto will stay by him, always. At least that way, he can take care of Haru, and do his best to make him happy. Maybe things won't be exactly the same, but Makoto's lived with his unrequited feelings this long. Surely, he can stand by Haru now, for both their sakes. He wouldn't know what to do with himself if he weren't taking care of Haru. So even if it hurt, he would be the best friend he could. Lending him goggles, giving him lunches, pulling him out of baths and pools, and being a constant in a harsh world.
Makoto gives a perfect Makoto smile as he cheers his love on, happy and hateful with his decision. But as long as Haru is alright, he will find a way to be alright, too.
A/N- This can function as a stand alone. If you want an ending that's at least a teeny bit happy, stop now.
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