Many thanks to r4ven3 for being my beta for this chapter. Hope you enjoy. Cheers, S.C.
[5 May 2010]
It's been years since I last wrote in my diary, but tonight I cannot sleep and I thought this might help; it always has in the past. But who am I kidding? Nothing will help with this. I am in hell and all I can do is pray to a God I've never believed in or beg fate to finally grant us a reprieve. I cannot bear to lose her again. A few hours ago Ruth was hit by a car and she is now fighting for her life.
I was at the hospital for what seemed like hours waiting for her to come out of emergency surgery until they told me I had to go home, promising to call when they have any news. I'm not her next of kin, though I can't help thinking that I could have been if only she'd said yes, but I am her boss and, in the Security Services, that counts for something. At least I can be grateful for that, small consolation though it is.
I didn't go home. I went back to the Grid and breathed down Tariq's neck for the next hour or so, feeling terrified and utterly frustrated and useless. I have to admit that young Tariq handled it quite well and was able to work his magic in spite of my presence which, under the circumstances, was no mean feat. He'll make a fine officer yet if only he'd cut his damned hair.
He was already trawling through CCTV for the bastard who did this when I got there, something I'd instructed him to do the moment I'd heard about Ruth. It was a hit and run, and though it might just have been bad luck that had Ruth in his path, I can't help thinking that perhaps she was targeted, perhaps it's my fault again. It is the most cruel twist of fate that a feeling so worthy as love can cause so much suffering and pain in another. If I could stop loving her, I would in a heartbeat to save her, save us both, from all this pain. But I cannot; I've tried. I will love her until the day I die. "Resistance is futile" as Tariq is so fond of saying.