Friends episode: The One When Phoebe Comes Back Red
By, Jonathan Navi
(Quick shot of scenes from last episode S1E7 "The One with the Wise Guys" where Rachel wasn't getting along with Ross's new girlfriend Fay. Then Jack, the man Rachel slept with at the Christmas Party, comes to confront her in the hallway. Ross eavesdropped from inside the apartment and once he thought Jack was gone, Ross opened the door to confront Rachel, but stopped at the sight of Rachel and Jack passionately kissing)
(Present day scene starts in the Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey walks into the apartment and has a stunned look on his face. Standing there in the center of the room, surrounded by Rachel and Monica, is Phoebe with newly colored red hair. She has a red suitcase nearby because she has just come back from vacation.)
JOEY: (excited) Whoa! Phoebe!
PHOEBE: (excited) Heyyy!
(Phoebe sweeps toward Joey and gives him a big hug)
PHOEBE: I've missed you! (she sniffs him) Boy do you smell nice. (she winks at him)
JOEY: (looks very flattered) Heyyyy, you know…..it's my herbal essences shampoo. (nodding his head)
MONICA: Joey. That's for women.
JOEY: Ayyy, women aren't the ONLY ONES who want to smell like sea breezes and lilac gardens!
(He accompanies Phoebe to the couch to sit)
JOEY: So Phoebs, what made you wanna turn red?
PHOEBE: (confused) Oh? How so?
JOEY: Well….you dyed your hair red.
PHOEBE: Oh! (excited) Yeah. Yeah well I just wanted to change things around you know. (she suddenly turned angry) What you have a problem with that? (she punches him in the arm)
JOEY: Ow! (rubbing his arm) No, no, I don't have a problem with that. I was just surprised is all.
PHOEBE: (in a serious tone) Well do you think it looks sexy?
JOEY: (confused) Sexy? (looks her over for a few moments including looking at her crop top for a few moments too long, causing Rachel to smack Joey again) Oh, yeah. Definitely sexy.
PHOEBE: (smiling and bouncing her head in glee side to side) Oh, well aren't you just a sweetie. (she rubs his arm)
JOEY: (smiling, clearly enjoying it) Hey…..
RACHEL: Alright, alright (she pulls Joey up from the couch away from Phoebe)
RACHEL: Phoebe, how come you didn't tell us you were going on vacation? I mean you were there at the Christmas Party and then POOF the next day you were GONE. (putting her hands in the air dramatically showing POOF)
PHOEBE: Oh well, you know, sometimes you just need to take a break away from yourself. It's just so dramatic around here and I needed to cleanse, you know, MY AURA. (motioning her hands around her face)
MONICA: Well is your aura cleansed now?
PHOEBE: (sniping angrily) Yeah, well maybe if you toned down your BITCHY SIDE, it might be.
MONICA: (looking devastated) Oh my god Phoebe, that was so mean...
PHOEBE: Yeah, well, I'm sorry. You know, it must just be the hair dye or something.
MONICA: (in a low hurt voice) Yeah, I guess….
(The door of the apartment opens again and then Chandler comes in)
CHANDLER: Phoebs! You're back! (looking her over, seeing the red hair) And you-now-have-NO-SOUL (as a deadpan joke).
PHOEBE: What!? (extremely angry and moving quickly toward Chandler) What did you just say to me mortal!?
CHANDLER: (in a weakened voice) I….what…..I was just…..(regaining confidence by shivering his head and saying "HA") I was just you know bringing up the old myth that redheads don't have a soul.
PHOEBE: So you weren't trying to gaze into my aura?
CHANDLER: (fumbling) I….don't know how to gaze into an aura.
PHOEBE: (breaking into an ecstatic smile) Well then that's alright then. Here come in for a hug.
(She gives him a big hug)
PHOEBE: (she then looks at his chest with a smile) Ohhhhh, it looks like someone has been hitting the gym since I was gone.
CHANDLER: (surprised but very pleased by the compliment) Well. You know (flexing). I have been trying to attract the lady bugs to this bright light.
RACHEL: Yeah, but all you've been getting is moths. (tilting her face to the side, pursing her lips mockingly)
PHOEBE: So tell me everyone, what's the 411, you know, what's the gossip been since I was gone?
MONICA: Well it's only been like 2 days….
PHOEBE: (suddenly tough and confrontational again) So you DIDN'T get enough last time huh?
MONICA: (in a low hurt voice) Sorry…
JOEY: Whoa, whoa.
RACHEL: (sounding concerned) The hair dye again?
PHOEBE: Yeah, must be.
CHANDLER: Well, believe it or not, Ross has a girlfriend now!
(Rachel gets angry and accidentally crushes the plastic cup she had in her hand)
RACHEL: Oh! Oh dear! (she started to mop up the spill)
PHOEBE: (intensely to Rachel) What, do you not like this new girl?! Well if so, then WE-MUST-DESTROY-HER! (robotically spoken)
JOEY: (looking very startled) Hey….hey…take it easy Phoebe.
RACHEL: I don't have any PROBLEM (raising her voice) with this girl. Come on that's just…(long pause)…..crazy. (she turns her head and averts every one's gaze)
PHOEBE: (shes closes her eyes and puts out her two arms to the side and tries to "feel" the air) No. No, I am detecting a lot of HATE. HATE coming from (humorously yelling) RIGHT THERE!
CHANDLER: Whoa!
RACHEL: There is no hate. No hate. Come on guys…
MONICA: Rach do you have a problem with Fay?
RACHEL: No. (shaking her head) No. Absolutely not. Why would I have a problem with her. She's Ross' new girlfriend. I'm glad she's….there.
(The door of the apartment opens again and then Ross and Fay come in smiling and giggling. They both have big mounds of cotton candy on sticks.)
ROSS: Guys we just had the most AMAZING time at Coney Island today!
FAY: Ross was scared of going on the roller coster, buttttttttt I talked him into it, I bought him some snacks, I canoodled with him a little (she cutely pokes and prods him in his stomach, which makes him giggle)-
PHOEBE: (gets up from the couch, angrily moves toward Fay) Be gone! Be gone wicked one!
ROSS: Phoebs! Hey! (he starts looking around the room) What!?
FAY: (in earnest) I'm sorry…..(pause)….did I do something wrong?
PHOEBE: (looking at Fay harshly) Is this the devil child Rachel?
ROSS: (startled) WHOA. "Devil Child"?
RACHEL: (she noticed every one looking at her expecting her to say something) Hey. I don't know…I don't even….. (quickly spoken while pointing at Phoebe) Phoebe is reacting to her new hair dye chemicals.
FAY: Oh you know what? I think I remember seeing you at the Christmas party. You had blonde hair then right?
PHOEBE: Yeah, I did. What do you HAVE A PROBLEM WITH REDHEADS?! (intensely)
FAY: No. No. Jeez…..(looking around and then at Ross)
PHOEBE: So you're dating Ross now?
FAY: Um….yeahh….
PHOEBE: (breaking into a big smile) Well welcome to the group sweetie! (she goes over and gives her a hug, which startles her) Here, here, come sit down and you know tell us all about yourself. But don't leave anything out ok?
FAY: Um…ok….
(They all sit down on the couch)
PHOEBE: So why don't we start with where you're from.
FAY: Well…..I grew up in Westchester. (pause) I'm an only child. My dad….worked in the pharmaceutical business and my mother was in drug advertising.
PHOEBE: Oh ok, so you're whole family works for the DRUG CARTELS. Ok. Go on.
FAY: Well, I went to Boston University and I moved to Manhattan to get into marketing. (pause) It's been goinggg….. ok, but socially I just didn't know too many people. Then I came to your party with one of my friends from work and…(looking at Ross)….. I met Ross. And he was so cute and sweet….and it just clicked (she squeezed his hand, and Ross went into Ross mode of getting mushy and fidgeting around. Rachel looked disgusted.)
PHOEBE: Hmm….yeah…..soundssss like a nice story. Yeah, BUT IT DOESN'T ADD UP.
FAY: (confused) What….doesn't add up?
PHOEBE: Well. (she gets up from her chair) If you were REALLY at this "so called party" (using air quotes)…..and you really thought that this "so called Ross" (air quotes) was cute…..No. No. (shaking her head) I don't buy it.
ROSS: (angry) EXCUSE ME, but WHAT ABOUT THAT is so unbelievable?
PHOEBE: Joey, please stand up for a moment.
JOEY: (looking around for others to explain this to him) Get up? Now?
PHOEBE: YES MISTER! NOW!
JOEY: Ok! Ok. (he gets up)
(Everyone is looking at him and it is just awkward silence as he looks around)
PHOEBE: This is Joey. Isn't he a delicious hunk of meat? (she lets out one giggle)
(Joey looks very pleased and is nodding his head in agreement)
FAY: Um…..
PHOEBE: Come on folks. LETS BE REAL HERE. If she were actually at this party. Would she really go for….(looking at Ross) lamb chops…..or would she go for…(looking at Joey) grade A beef?
RACHEL: (cutely outraged) Phoebe. That is VERY offensive…..
JOEY: Don't worry. (looking around the room) I'm not chewy.
PHOEBE: Ok dear you can sit down.
(Joey nods cutely and then sits down)
PHOEBE: Chandler would you please rise?
CHANDLER: (looking around) Me? (pointing at himself)
PHOEBE: (politely asks) Are there any other Chandlers here?
CHANDLER: Um. (looks around) No.
PHOEBE: (humorously yells) THEN YES YOU!
CHANDLER: Ok. (Chandler stands up)
PHOEBE: No, no honey, not your bad side. Turn around so your face is hidden.
(Chandler turns around so only his back is facing them)
PHOEBE: Now look at this tush.
(Everyone suddenly looks at Chandler's bottom and tilts their heads humorously to a 45 degree angle)
PHOEBE: You're telling you that you would choose this woos (looking at Ross) over this tush (looking at Chandler's bottom)?
FAY: (shyly) Um…..I didn't really notice his tush at the party.
ROSS: (standing up angrily) OK! Ok, that's enough! Chandler (he goes over to him and manhandles him) sit down! I am more than enough man for Fay. I…..I…I have a nice FACE. I have a nice PERSONALITY. (yelling) AND I HAVE A DAMN FINE TUSH! (awkward pause) So now could we all just move past this.
(They pause awkwardly for a few seconds just staring around)
FAY: So Phoebe….what's your story?
PHOEBE: Oh. Well. (reaching her hand out to touch Fay's hand) How POLITE of you to ASK.
PHOEBE: Well I was an only child, which you know SUCKS because I would of REALLY LIKED a sister I could torture or whatever. My stepmom, well you know she just KILLED HERSELF AND STUFF (pulling back her head expressing her surprise at what had happened in the past). I was living alone on the streets at 14 and yeah you know I was taken care of by a local street witch coven.
FAY: Wait….you're a….witch? (looking both interested and frightened)
PHOEBE: Yeah, what of it? Are you some kind of ANTIWITCH PERSON?! (yelling)
JOEY: Hey, hey Phoebs come on. She's not an antiwitch person. No. It's just that… (pause)..…most people are a LITTLE surprised when they find out a woman practices magic.
PHOEBE: Oh well, you know this is just typical, a woman, a strong female, finally gets a little bit of power, you know something a man will never be able to have…(looking at Fay) you know, because the PENIS blocks magic, and then men just can't handle it. It becomes, "OH LET'S BURN HER AT THE STAKE JOEY"…."OH GREAT IDEA CHANDLER!"
JOEY: (sensitively) Hey, hey, we'd never do that. Come one Phoebe, we're all friends here.
CHANDLER: Yeah, I'd never burn you at the stake. You know I'd BUY YA DINNER FIRST! (he looks around the room for laughs, but receives none)
PHOEBE: Ok, but that's just words, you wanna prove it to me?
CHANDLER: Um…yeah, sure.
JOEY: Sure.
PHOEBE: Then come with me.
(She gets up and pulls Joey and Chandler by the hand. They both look confused. She drags them toward the door then out of the room.)
(All the rest of the people in the room just have there heads turns, while sitting, staring at them leaving)
FAY: (looking freaked out) She is very strange.
MONICA: You know, I'd usually just say "well that's just Phoebe", but this felt different.
RACHEL: (putting her hand on her chin) You know I get the feeling that we might be missing something. (she pauses to think for a few moments)
FAY: So….Rachel (interrupting her thought)…..how did you and Ross meet? (she pulled her arm around Ross a bit tighter, which is returned in kind)
RACHEL: Well…..believe it or not….Ross and I actually went to high school together.
MONICA: Yeah, Rachel was in my class and Ross was one of the upperclassmen.
FAY: Ohhh, so did you have a crush on this upperclassman? (smiling at Ross with intent)
RACHEL: (laughing) Oh, no, no, no. Ross was so….oh Ross was definitely not- (interrupted)
ROSS: (angrily) Not WHAT?!
RACHEL: Oh you know, just….not…..in my social circle.
FAY: Were you one of the popular girls Rachel?
RACHEL: No, no, I wouldn't say that.
MONICA: Well I WOULD! All the boys used to be in LOVE with Rachel! I was….I was actually a little jealous. You know I remember one time, a group of Ross's friends were up in his room and I could hear Ross say (in a thick Slavic accent), "oh Rachel, Rachel Green! Please marry me!"
ROSS: (angrily) That was NOT me! That was just the foreign exchange student BORKA!
FAY: Oh my. Must have been nice Rachel. I was….sort of a nerd in high school. You know I used to actually watch Star Trek!
MONICA: Used to? Ross still does.
FAY: (surprised) Really? (suddenly smiling) That's so cool.
ROSS: (smiling and looking to the floor tilting his head from side to side) Well you know, only if I have time. Because you know my life is SO BUSY and SO HAPPENING these days.
MONICA: Oh I'm sure Fonzie. You and Potsie must have some RAD times!
(Ross's narrowed his eyes at her)
FAY: There was one fun thing we used to do in high school. Truth or Dare.
MONICA: Ohhh, I loved that.
FAY: Would you wanna play? Like right now?
MONICA: Sure! (she gets up) Yayy! (she claps her hands overenthusiastically) Let me just get us some glasses of wine. Do you like merlot?
FAY: I'd love that. (looking at Rachel though instead. Rachel looks put off)
(She comes back with 4 glasses and a bottle of Merlot)
MONICA: Ok. (while opening the bottle and pouring) Well Fay as you are new to our little group. Why don't you go first. What do you pick, Truth or Dare?
FAY: Truth.
RACHEL: Ok, well why don't you tell us…..hmmm…..let us see…..OH! Have you ever been ARRESTED before?
FAY: Hmmmm…..actually I have…one time when I was in college, we were down in Florida for Spring Break, and we saw this police car. Well we were all a bit buzzed at the time, and my friend dared me to moon the cop…..so I did (giggling). Well let's just say I sobered up REAL QUICK while in a Miami jail cell.
RACHEL: I see. (looking over to her side) History of criminal activity Ross, hmm….
ROSS: Wow. THAT…(humorously long pause) is SOOOO BADASS! (yelling)
MONICA: Ok, Rachel, you're up next.
RACHEL: Oh, ok.
MONICA: So what do you pick?
RACHEL: (looking at Fay, she realized she didn't want to risk getting dared into something really bad) Let's go with truth.
MONICA: Yay! I can finally get to find out what you did with Chip Matthews behind the bleachers at homec- (interrupted)
FAY: So Rachel…do you have a crush…(pauses and smiles playfully)….on any of the three guys that were in this room earlier?
(Everyone pauses for a few moments and suddenly the intensity rises)
RACHEL: (she paused for another moment, then fake laughs and says) What, you mean….Chandler, Joey, and…..Ross? (she cleared her throat)
(Monica and Rachel exchanged a tense look as all of the playfulness left the room)
(Rachel was about to speak, but then she looked down to the ground for a moment. Ross just stared straight at her very seriously without blinking.)
RACHEL: (she lifts her head back up) Well….then I would have to say…..…no. (she stares outward avoiding Ross's gaze. Ross's face falls downward.)
MONICA: (looking nervous and talking very slowly) OK….ok….I guess its….Ross's…turn now. Well, we've done so many truths! (trying to sound excited) Probably should do some dar- (interrupted)
ROSS: TRUTH. (without hesitation)
FAY: Yay, that's fun. Let's continue with this whole forbidden truths thing. Ok Ross…(she smiles at him)….do you have a crush….on any of the three girls who were in the room earlier?
ROSS: (he kept his gaze directly at Rachel without any fear, while Rachel had her gaze on Ross only because she couldn't avoid it. Ross shook his head and spoke resolutely) No.
(Rachel's face instantly became downcast, even though she was trying to stay calm. They did not stop looking at each other)
MONICA: Hey. (pause) You know Phoebe and the guys have been gone for a long time. Let's….let's go see what they're up to. (she motioned toward Rachel and grabbed her delicately by the arm)
(They all got up and went to the door. )
(They went to the hallway and saw that Joey and Chandler's door was wide open. They looked at it curiously and went inside)
(They could hear dark grisly rock music playing from Chandler's room)
(They go inside and see Phoebe in bed with Chandler and Joey, under the covers)
MONICA: (in shock) Phoebe!
RACHEL: Oh my god!
PHOEBE: (smiling) Oh hey!
ROSS: Joey! Chandler! What are you three doing!
JOEY: (confused) Us three?
CHANDLER: (drunkenly lethargic) What do you mean? There's only the two of us in this bed (he turns over to look at Phoebe and then catches sight of Joey) WHOA! (he pulls his sheets over himself more and suddenly snaps out of his reverie) WHOA! JOE! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?
JOEY: AH! (he tries to pull up the sheets to cover himself more) WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!? I WAS SLEEPING WITH PHOEBE!
PHOEBE: (smiling brightly) Oh don't worry guys. You're both right! You were both sleeping with me!
MONICA: Chandler didn't you notice that Joey was there!
CHANDLER: (looking at his hands drunkenly as if in a dream) No…..I…..I just didn't. HOW. HOW didn't I notice him? (he looks up at Monica)
UNKNOWN VOICE: Well that's because Ursula cast a Befuddlement Spell on you.
(They all turn around to see a blonde haired Phoebe.)
ALL OF THEM: (in shock) AHH!
REAL PHOEBE: (smiling brightly) Oh hey guys!
MONICA: (looking at her closely, she walks up to Real Phoebe and turns her head to a 45 degree angle while observing all her features) But…if you're Phoebe….(she turns around) then who is this? (pointing at the red-haired girl)
URSULA: (smiling brightly) Oh hi! I'm Ursula! Yeah, I'm Phoebe's evil twin. (deadpan)
(They all take turns looking at Ursula, then at Phoebe, then at Ursula, then back at Phoebe)
JOEY: (angrily) OK! This is all starting to HURT MY HEAD! I just wanna know…WHO DID I SLEEP WITH?
URSULA: (with flirtatious delight) Well with Ursula you little beefcake you.
PHOEBE: Ok playtime is over Ursula. It's time for you to go back to your evil lair.
URSULA: And give up this wicked fun? Yeah I don't think so.
PHOEBE: Ok sis, you asked for it. (she dropped the bag in her hand and suddenly did a wildly theatrical series of arm motions) WUSSUH WUSSUH WAZU WUSSUH WUSSUH MAMMIE WUSSUH WUSSUH PONZI! (she motioned her arms forward as if releasing some kind of energy, but no one saw anything)
(Suddenly the invisible nothing hit Ursula and Ursula yells out)
URSULA: Ow! Uh! (she was holding her chest and then she looked up at Phoebe in anger) I cannot BELIEVE you would use the ancient family curse upon me! You will regret this YOU-CAN-COUNT-ON-THAT. (Ursula put on her robe and runs out of the room)
PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah, don't let your stench of evil smack you on the way out. (she looked around to all their stunned faces) You know, she's the younger twin by 3 seconds, so I was always, you know, THE STRONGER ONE.
MONICA: (still in shock) Phoebe. (pause with her mouth open) Why didn't you tell us you had a twin sister?
PHOEBE: Well you know its embarrassing. (she paused for a moment) I'm the only person in the world who has to say "oh I have a twin andddd oh yeah she's an evil warlock." (she paused again) I mean I'm already the laughing stock of the magic community, even among the dwarves and imps!
ROSS: (angrily with his face contorting with each word) I'm sorry but did you just say DWARVES-AND-IMPS!?
RACHEL: And the only difference between you two is the red hair?
PHOEBE: Well yeah there's that and you know the whole EVIL THING. But then there's also other stuff, you know, like our taste in men.
(Suddenly Chandler became a bit insecure)
PHOEBE: I mean I'm surprised she was even able to trick you guys. I mean "fool me once with red hair shame on you, fool me twice and sleep with Chandler and you know BOY ARE YOU AN IDIOT."
CHANDLER: (nervously) Or…or…you know…you could have just been really attracted to me though right?
PHOEBE: Oh, yeah yeah sweetie, of course. (she smiled at him…then she turned around to everyone else and wildly rolls her eyes)
(SCENE ENDS)
(All seven of them are out on the terrace of Monica and Rachel's apartment looking up at the stars with glasses of wine in their hands)
CHANDLER: (turning to Phoebe) So Phoebe what was that ancient family curse that you did to Ursula?
(They all turn to Phoebe interested)
PHOEBE: Oh, you know, it was just the WORST THING we could do to one another when we were younger.
MONICA: Which was?
PHOEBE: A purple nurple.
ALL OF THEM: Ohhhh…..(they all touched their own nipples)
(They stare up for a few moments longer)
CHANDLER: I think I'm gonna turn in. You know….in my OWN bed…ALONE.
MONICA: Yeah I'm heading in too.
JOEY: Me too.
(They all start walking back into the apartment. Only Rachel, Ross, and Fay are left)
FAY: (to Ross) Wanna head back to my place sweetie?
ROSS: (sweetly, quietly) Yeah. Yeah, sounds good.
(Ross and Fay turn around and go back into the apartment. The camera follows them into the apartment. They walk by the kitchen table when Fay stops.)
FAY: (she starts touching her shoulder) Oh you know what, I think I forgot my purse outside. Let me go get it and I'll meet you in the hallway.
ROSS: Yeah ok. (he starts walking toward the hallway)
(The camera follows Fay walk from the apartment to the terrace)
(Rachel is still standing there looking up)
(Fay grabs her purse that is on the ground by the window, stays quiet while doing it, and stares at Rachel)
FAY: Rachel.
(Rachel turns around)
RACHEL: Um, yes?
FAY: (spoken slowly) I think it's time for you to find a man of your own….because this one (pointing back into the apartment)….is taken.
(Rachel just stares at her, speechless.)
FAY: Anyway…..good night.
(Fay then walks back into the apartment)
(Rachel looks out into nothingness, unmoving. A tear streaks down her face.)
(EPISODE ENDS)