In Case
"Ugh! What a day I'm having. Back-to-back Cheerios practices followed by Mr. Schue being an idiot. Just hang in there…you're almost done. Nothing to do tonight but veg out." I thought as I walked to locker.
Once there, I opened my locker and an envelope slipped out. I caught it with one hand and looked at it. My name wasn't written on it and there were no stickers or anything.
"Hmm," I said as I looked around the hallway.
I stuffed it into my bag and ran to my next and final period of the day.
Sitting in that class wasn't a total bore seeing I had something important to read later. I even raised my hand, which shocked my teacher…and myself.
When the bell rang I shoved all of my books into my bag and sped out there and to my car. I drove off and drove directly home. No pit stops today.
When I swung my door open I searched for my letter. When I got it, I tossed the bag to the floor.
I sat up on my bed with a pillow to support my back.
I opened the letter, took a deep breath, and began to read.
Dear Santana,
Pictures in my pocket
Are faded from the washer
I can barely just make out your face
Food you saved for later
In my refrigerator
It's been too long since later never came
I remember first time we met. It was on the first day of kindergarten. You saw me playing by myself and you walked over to me.
"Are you new to town," you asked me. You had startled me as I thought I was alone in the sandbox.
I looked up at you and had to squint my eyes because of the sun. You looked like an angel with the sunlight's rays shining on you.
"I-I am," I stuttered.
"Neat," you said as you began to climb into the sandbox next to me. I flinched so you stopped your movements.
"Can I play with you?"
"You wanna play with me?" I asked.
You only nodded your head so I nodded my head and you got into the messy box.
We automatically started to make a sand castle.
"I'm Santana," you introduced yourself.
"That's a cool name," I said and smiled.
"Thanks…what's yours?" you said as we continued to play in the sand.
"I'm Dani!"
"Isn't that kinda a boy's name?" you asked and snickered.
"No!" I yelled a little afraid that you were going to make fun of me.
You threw your hands up into the air as if you were surrendering.
"It's short for Danielle," I said shyly.
"Oh," you said and looked into my eyes.
"I'm sorry San…San…Santana," I stuttered an apology.
"You can call me San," you offered, "If it's easier for you, Dani!"
Our teacher walked up behind us and said, "OK, everyone let's go inside."
You got up and brushed your hands against your pants and then helped me out by extending your hand to me. I grabbed it and I felt "something" there. At the time it had happened I couldn't explain it. Hell, I still can't after all these years and everything we've gone through.
That day in class, our teacher brought out her Polaroid camera and began to take pictures of her students. We had been coloring together when she walked up and said, "Dani and Santana, look up!" As soon as we did, the camera went off.
Click!
The photo popped out of the camera and in seconds she looked at it and laughed. We looked at her with sad looks on our faces.
She said, "Ok, let's take another one."
I moved my chair closer to yours and threw my arm over your shoulders. We tilted our heads together and both smiled.
"Aww that's better! Lemme take one more so you both have one," the teacher said and took the photo. She handed us both one. Then she turned around and yelled, "Noah, we don't eat glue in here!'
As our pictures became clearer we looked down at them and smiled.
"Hey, San…"
"Yes, Dani?" you responded.
"Um, wanna be my friend?"
"Yes!" you answered with a smile.
Then we looked at our pictures in silence.
I know
One day eventually
Yeah, I know
One day I'll have to let it all go
But I keep it just in case
Yeah, I keep it just in case
Basically from then on we were instant friends. I considered you to be my best friend who I could share anything with. Then in our freshman year of high school something changed. You became withdrawn and secretive. Your parents were always taking you to see "the doctor" and later your Mom told me that you were "upset" about something. For a long time, I thought it was me.
"San?"
"Hmm," you said as you looked up from the book you were reading.
"Um, am I the reason why you're 'upset'?" I asked cautiously and put air quotation marks around the word, "upset".
You didn't answer and this worried me.
"San…" I said with a choked up voice.
Nothing. I started to pack my book bag. I didn't want to make you tell me. So I was leaving.
I got to your bedroom door and had my hand on the doorknob when you finally spoke up, "Where are you going?"
"I'm going home," I said meekly.
"Why?"
"Um, why? Cuz you won't answer my question, that's why," I said with a weird tone to my voice.
"Wait. I don't want you to be upset so I'll answer your question…"
I turned around and propped my hands on my waist and impatiently tapped my foot on your bedroom carpet.
"So, are you the one making me 'upset'?" you restated my question.
I nodded my head, but didn't say anything.
"That's a difficult thing to answer…"
"No, San, it really isn't!" I said and frantically wiped away the falling tears from my eyes.
"Don't cry…" you said and got up from your seat and walked over to me. I put my hand on my face again and you grabbed my arm and gently lowered it down. I resisted at first, but let you win this small battle.
"Please tell me," I pleaded as I looked into your eyes.
"I've been going through some inner struggles with myself. That's why I've been seein' a doctor. She's been able to help me sort through my feelings about a lot of stuff. We talk about you a lot," you said.
"What do you tell her about me?"
"Um, that you're my best friend and how long we've known each other…" you trailed off.
I had a feeling that there was more.
"Oh, is that all?" I said and looked deeper into your eyes.
You grabbed my bag from off my shoulder and then threw it aside. Then you took both of my hands and pulled me over to your bed and I sat down. I thought you'd come sit next to me, but you didn't. Instead you began to pace in front of me. You wrapped one arm around your waist. (It was like you were giving yourself half of a hug!) You rubbed your forehead with your other hand.
"San, it's okay," I encouraged and extended my hand to touch you, but you dodged away. It was then that I knew it was serious.
"Santana Lopez, please?" I begged again.
"Dani…I'm gay…" you blurted out, stopped your pacing, and turned to face me.
For a moment I was speechless.
"Did you hear me?"
"Yes, San, I heard you," I said in a daze.
"Can we still be friends?"
"Of course, San. This doesn't-" I said.
"Before you totally answer me there's more. But…but I'm not sure if I'm totally ready to tell you…"
I quickly grabbed your hand and this time you allowed me to.
"San, you've been my best friend since kindergarten. You can tell me anything…"
"I dunno!"
"Try me!" I encouraged again.
"Ok, Dani," you said as you shook from being petrified. I noticed this and reached out to you, but you wouldn't allow it.
"Dani, I love you…" you said and looked down at your feet.
"I love you…wait, how do you mean? I just want to be clear…"
"I love you like I want to tear off all of your clothes and make you scream my name in ecstasy. I want you not only to be my best friend, which you are now, but I want you to be my lover and girlfriend. I know…I know…I'm crazy. That's why I'm going to my therapist and I even made her give me a prescription which I haven't filled yet…"
I looked up at you and hesitated for a few seconds.
"See I shouldn't have said anything cuz now it's awkward. Can we forget it, Dani, can we?" you asked with emotion in your voice.
I suddenly realized what you said. I hate myself, even to this day, for running out on you. I ran from your house to mine, which was down the street. The thing I regretted the most was that I left you standing there after you were courageous enough to tell me how you truly felt.
I had to distance myself from you for a while and things were weird between us for a good week and a half. That week and a half turned into two and then two turned into a full month.
I questioned myself. Did I feel that way for you? Could I? What's gonna happen to us now? What could happen to us in the future?
The thing that hurt the most to me was the fact that I left you.
In case
You don't find what you're looking for
In case
You're missing what you had before
In case
You change your mind, I'll be waiting here
In case
You just want to come home
It was a rainy Saturday late afternoon and I was sitting in my room holding our first photo together. This had become a ritual since I ran out of your room more than a month ago. We still hadn't talked and with each day that had passed we drifted further and further apart. It was hell, pure and unadulterated hell.
Strong enough to leave you
But weak enough to need you
Cared enough to let you walk away
I took that dirty jacket
From the trash right where you left it
'Cause I couldn't stand to see it go to waste
"I brought this all on myself," I chastised myself, "Santana wanted to love you, but you were too chicken to let her, Danielle!"
(When I'm angry with myself, I call myself "Danielle" in my head!)
Can I see myself with you, loving you the way you wanted me to? "YES!" I screamed out both happily and afraid. Was I too late? Did you move on?
I grabbed our photo stuffing it into my pocket. Then I grabbed my coat and bolted out of my house so fast.
I sprinted to your house. With each step I felt my heart fill with love and desire.
When I finally got there, I pounded my fist against your door.
I heard your mother from the other side yelling, "Hold on!"
When she did finally open the door she stared at me with no expression on her face.
"Dani," your Mom said surprised.
"Is she home?" I asked.
"Yes, but—" she began to say. I pushed past her and I ran up the stairs, two at a time. Once I got to your door, I froze. I mean, I was dead frozen. All of the reasons why I thought we'd be good together vanished so fast.
"Shit!" I whispered to myself. Then I knocked timidly.
I heard a small commotion and then feet hitting your carpet with a thud. Were you asleep?
"Dani," you said shyly as the door opened slightly. Your face showed a hint of apprehension. Like you were hiding something.
"Hi, San," I said and started to let myself into your room.
You stood your ground and blocked my way. I immediately took notice of this.
"May I come in?"
"Um, I'm busy, " you said as an excuse.
"Oh," I said and retreated backwards.
"Was there something you wanted?" you asked coldly.
"Um, yes…" I answered and looked down at my feet.
"What?" you asked impatiently.
"Just your love," I said, turned around, and ran down the stairs and out of your house.
I got as far as your front lawn when you yelled, "Hold up! You run out my house after I told you that I loved you. You don't talk for me for a freakin' month, and now all of a sudden, you want my love?"
"I know," I yelled back.
"Oh, you know. Is that supposed to make everything all better?" you yelled and raised your arms up into the air.
It had begun to downpour, but neither of us noticed or cared.
"No, but I was thinking," I said.
"Oh, yeah," you said and crossed your arms against your chest.
"Yeah, I was thinking…that I'd like to give it a shot," I said and became really nervous.
"Give what a shot?" you asked and suddenly became so interested in your fingernails.
I walked up to you, grabbed both of your hands, looked up into your brown eyes, and said, "Us!"
For a second you looked at me and something in your eyes answered my desires. For a moment I was yours and you were mine.
"I can't…" you said, fought out of my grasp, and ran into the house. My hopes were dashed.
As I watched you go, I glanced toward your window and noticed your curtain move. And there she was…Brittany! Brittany noticed me and gave me a slight wave. Sometimes she can be so oblivious, I swear.
Feeling defeated, I wrapped my arms around my upper body, turned around and walked, painfully slowly, back to my house. By the time I got there, it seemed like an eternity. But it was just a few minutes.
Getting to my room, I slammed the door and locked it. Then I stripped off my wet clothes and grabbed a sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants and threw them on. The sweatshirt was the one we got at the shore our last summer as friends. I guess I subconsciously grabbed that one because I wanted to be close to you.
I know
One day eventually
Yeah, I know
One day I'll have to let it all go
But I keep it just in case
Yeah, I keep it just in case
It's now been a whole year since this all started and even though our friendship is over and we hardly speak to each other. Your decision not mine! I am still hopeful.
I need to take comfort in all of the years of friendship we shared together. All the good times. And all of the ways that we helped each other grow.
I was sitting on my bed watching television when this letter and poem suddenly came to me. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and scribbled this down. It is my last good-bye to you. It is my final attempt. Just by writing it down, I feel like I'm releasing you from my life. I'm setting you free, Santana. It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do and I know that you know if you ever need me I'm here for you. When you change your mind, I'll be right here.
In case
You don't find what you're looking for
In case
You're missing what you had before
In case
You change your mind, I'll be waiting here
In case
You just want to come home
In case
You're looking in that mirror one day
And miss my arms
How they wrapped around your waist
I say that you can love me again
Even if it isn't the case
These words that I'm writing to you, Santana, are my promise that whenever you want to try it with me I am here for you.
Ohhh
You don't find what you're looking for
Ohhh
You're missing my love
You don't find what you're looking for
In case
You're missing what you had before
In case
You change your mind, I'll be waiting here
In case
You just want to come home
In case
Yeah, ooooo
Santana, I will wait for you. I'll wait until you tell me not to anymore. Until that day, you have my heart!
Sincerely,
Dani
I folded the paper up neatly and put it in my pocket. I wiped the tears from my eyes and said to myself, "Lopez…go get her!"
With that I ran, full speed, out of my house and to yours. The distance between our homes seems like miles apart, but you lived down the street. As your house came into view, my heart began to pound louder and louder. I knew that today is what matters. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Right now. In this moment! It is supposed to be you and me and dammit, it's gonna be.
I raced up your front steps and rang the doorbell a few times and pounded on your door with my fist. The door swung open and there you stood. My Dani! You had changed into comfortable clothes. You were wearing a dress that day at school. Even though we hadn't spoken I still noticed you.
"Um, hi, can I come in?"
"Sure," you mumbled and walked away from me.
I quickened my steps to catch up with you.
"Um, I read it!" I said, took out the letter from my pocket, and held it up. This made her stop in her tracks.
"How?" you asked.
"It was in my locker…"
"I'm gonna kill her," you said angrily.
"Who?"
"Berry!" you exclaimed.
"Was I not supposed to…were you ever gonna give it to me?" I asked with a sad expression on my face.
"It was more of an exercise. If I had enough courage, I would have," you said and looked at your feet.
"Oh, so then Berry, in her obnoxious and meddling way, kinda helped you," I said.
"Did you, um, like it," you asked still looking at your feet.
"Yes," I said as I moved closer to you.
I grabbed you and pulled you into a tight hug.
"Santana," you whispered in my arms.
"I'm right here," I said tenderly.
Breaking the embrace, you grabbed my hand and led me to your couch.
"Sit," you said and I plopped down.
You sat in front of me since I crossed my legs, Indian style and I turned to face you.
You smiled at me.
Oh that smile! I thought to myself.
"Okay, I need you to not say anything and just listen, can you do this?" you asked.
I nodded my head.
"Ok, good. Here we go, I guess," you said and took a deep breath.
I smile encouragingly. I reached for your hand and rubbed little circles on your skin with my thumb. I could have sworn that I heard you moan slightly.
"Santana, I am so sorry. You have no idea how not being in your life has affected my life. I feel like a lost my best friend that day. If I could it all over again, I wouldn't have ran from you. You know that, right?" you said and searched my eyes for the answer.
I think you found it because you smiled at me.
"I am so beyond sorry. Can you please forgive me?"
A few seconds went by and I wanted to say something, but you had asked me to not say anything.
You looked at me with a weird expression on your face. I brought my finger up to my lips to show you that I was being quiet.
"Oh, ok," you said and smacked your forehead, "Please go ahead!"
"Whew! That was the longest I've ever gone without blurting out my opinion…don't make me do that again," I said and smiled at you.
You blushed and chuckled lightly.
I grabbed your hands, looked into your eyes, and said, "Dani, I forgive you. You're my best friend. Always have been and always will be…I just…"
"Just what?" you asked.
"I just want to be your girlfriend. Even after everything that happened…" I said honestly.
"What about Brittany," I asked.
"We broke up...There was something majorly wrong her…" I said shyly.
"What's that?" you asked.
"She wasn't you," I replied.
You looked at me with the warmest expression on your face.
"Santana…I…love…you," you said and with each word that came out of you mouth I knew it came from your heart.
"Seriously," I asked a little guardedly.
"Yes," you said and sat closer to me. I grabbed you and pulled you into my body. We leaned against the couch and just sat there. Your head was on my shoulder. My hand was holding yours. For the first time, in my entire life, it just felt right.
Then I motioned for you to sit up. Once you were sitting up you looked at me and said, "Hey…I was comfortable."
"I'm sorry," I started, "There's just something I have to do."
I shyly moved closer to you and extended my arms out. My hands cupped your cheeks and I gently pulled you closer to me. You immediately wrapped your arms around my waist. As we inched closer and closer, I looked into your brown eyes and I watched as you slowly closed them. My head moved closer and I closed my eyes. Before I went in for the kiss, I heard you whisper, "Santana!"
Then our lips connected in a hungry, passionate, and sweet kiss.
You tilted your head to the right so I could fully kiss you. Then you moved your head to the left and I kept my head still. Our tongues met and dance about. I dropped my hands from your cheeks and wrapped them around your upper arms and pulled you into my body. We fell backwards onto the couch. Knowing that you were on top, you continued to kiss me and began to massage my body.
I was getting excited, but I didn't want this to be our first time so I broke the kiss, but pushed a strand of hair away from your eyes.
"Did I do something wrong?" you asked.
"God, no, but if we don't stop…"
"Oh, good point," you said.
"Santana, do you love me?" you asked timidly.
"I've loved you from the first time I saw you in that yucky sandbox. I've loved you even when I thought I hated you. Dani, you are my yesterday, today, and tomorrow, well, I hope anyway," I said and smiled.
You caressed my cheek and said, "Absolutely!"
Author's Note:
Thanks for reading my first Dantana one shot!
The song is Demi Lovato's "In Case" from her newest album, "Demi"! This is one of my favorite songs off this album and I always wanted to do a story based on it.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Please tell me what you think!