If I Should Die Before I Wake
A Naruto Fanfic
By Saitou Miharu
Kakashi winced as Sakura squeezed his hand-- "Sakura, Sakura, that really hurts."
"You think that hurts?! You should try switching places with me!" She turned her head and glared at Naruto, standing to Kakashi's right. "I hate you, Uzumaki!"
The copy-ninja leaned to his right, his hand still in Sakura's, and whispered, "Don't worry, she doesn't really hate you." He then added in a louder voice, "Ow, ow, ow... Sakura, you're breaking my hand."
"I don't care! I hate you, too, Hatake! You pervert!" Her eyes narrowed as her hard gaze shifted to Sasuke, who appeared to have lost his composure. "And you! Uchiha Sasuke! The man who did this to me!! If I live through this, I'm going to find you, and kill you!!"
The silver-haired jonin's eyebrows lifted slightly. Poor guy. His first child hasn't even been born yet, and he's already getting a hard time. But I guess Naruto and I aren't doing so hot either. He felt slightly irritated with Sakura, getting so mad at Sasuke, but figured now wasn't the time for voicing that irritation.
It'd been several hours since Sakura had gone into labor, and Kakashi was beginning to wonder if his hand really was broken. She'd been screaming and cursing the entire time, howling as she crushed the silver-haired copy ninja's left hand. He sighed and shut his eyes tightly-- both of them. Just endure it. You have no idea what she's going through.
Tsunade stood to Kakashi's left, periodically glancing at his hand with a trace of worry in her eyes. "Come on, Sakura!" she shouted. "When you feel a contraction, push! Just a little more!"
"You did it!" Naruto exclaimed before anyone else had realized it. But it was true-- in Tsunade's pale arms was a swollen, crying baby.
Sakura had squeezed Kakashi's hand especially tightly in the last stretch, and immediately released it afterward. The copy-ninja inhaled and exhaled very slowly, trying to regain feeling in the hand. He sighed in exhaustion and collapsed into a nearby chair, flexing his fingers.
Naruto and Sasuke timidly stepped toward Sakura, who had just been given her newborn baby boy. Sakura smiled and held the child out to its father, Sasuke, who awkwardly gathered the baby into his arms and held it.
"He's... perfect. In every way." Sasuke murmured.
"Isn't he?" Sakura agreed. She laughed delightedly, and the baby stopped crying. Around that point, Kakashi Hatake fell asleep, exhausted.
The jonin awoke about an hour later to something warm in his lap. He opened his right eye; Sasuke's newborn son was staring up at him. He glanced around-- Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto, and Tsunade were still there, and all eyes were watching him eagerly.
Stifling a yawn, Kakashi examined the child on his lap-- his eyes were dark, as dark as his father's, and what little hair he had was cotton-candy pink. The copy-ninja smiled sleepily; while Sasuke and Sakura were still only seventeen, he trusted they would do an admirable job raising their son.
"Natsume." Sakura whispered with a smile.
"Hm?"
"We named his Natsume." she explained. "Do you like it, Kakashi-sensei?"
"It's perfect." Kakashi replied. He moved his left hand to support the baby's head, and as pain shot up his arm, suddenly remembered what his former student had done to his hand. His fingers and palms still throbbed-- he could feel his pulse without touching his wrist.
"Kakashi-sensei, are you alright?" Naruto crossed the room and gathered up Sasuke's son from the silver-haired man's lap. "You're looking pale."
"Other than the fact that Sakura possibly broke my hand, I think I'm perfectly fine." He took the opportunity to stand and exit the hospital room. "I'm gonna get a nurse to check out my hand. If it really is broken, I'll have to think of a new strategy for tomorrow's mission..."
"Are you sure you're okay?" Sakura asked, feeling a bit guilty.
"Yeah, I'm fine." The jonin smiled and said "Congratulations, Sasuke, Sakura," before closing the door softly behind him.
Kakashi was sick. Everyone knew it, no matter how many times he denied it; his face was paler than usual, and his eyes were tired. Tsunade took him off the mission chart immediately, and sent him home to rest. "We can't have one of our top jonin getting sick." she'd told him. He'd scowled in return, despite the fact that she couldn't see the bottom half of his face.
For three days he ate nothing but miso soup and bread, since anything else caused him to throw up, but gradually his illness got worse and his body began rejecting that as well. Tsunade took him from the missions list for another four days, but those four days came and went, and Kakashi was still sick. Finally she demanded that he allowed her to give him a thorough examination, to which he replied curtly, "No."
The copy-ninja hated being examined, and the fifth Hokage knew he could be rather stubborn about it, but she persisted. "Kakashi, this is obviously not a normal virus. I'm examining you and I'm doing it now."
"You know, I feel a little better. I think I'll be heading home now." He turned from where he'd been standing in front of the hospital, only to have Tsunade clutch his collar in her iron grip.
"I'll give you twenty-four hours, Hatake. If you can manage not puking until then, I'll--" Her voice was cut off as Kakashi pushed past her, sprinting through the hospital doors.
The fifth Hokage took her time following the silver-haired jonin. She found him before long, in the men's room, his mask untied and lying on the floor. He panted heavily as his head hovered over the toilet bowl.
Although she received some strange glances as she entered the men's room, Tsunade didn't seem to mind. She waited patiently outside Kakashi's stall, not speaking until his retching had ceased. "Hatake." she began. "That was your last chance."
The copy-ninja grunted in response, wishing he had a mint to get the taste from his mouth.
Tsunade's voice was softer when she spoke next. "Here, Kakashi." She held out a napkin. He took it immediately and wiped his mouth. "You're a talented ninja, Kakashi. We need you at peak health."
The silver-haired jonin took his mask from the floor and retied it, while slowly rising from his kneeling position on the floor. He smiled at her; she could tell because the mask shifted slightly. "Thank you, Tsunade." he said softly. "Thank you very much."
The fifth Hokage swallowed-- she could feel her face slowly going red. "You're welcome." she replied in the most serious tone possible. "Now come with me."
"Have you been hit by any enemy jutsu lately?"
Kakashi scratched his head. "Actually, yes, just before Sasuke's son was born."
Tsunade nodded solemnly. "Yes, that makes since." She raised her brown eyes from the clipboard in her hand and glanced at the silver-haired copy-ninja. "It seems that enemy chakra has caused your illness, Hatake. It'll wear down eventually, if you get enough rest, but be careful-- this is a slow-working jutsu, meaning--"
"He planned it that way." Kakashi finished. "To capture me."
The fifth Hokage's frown increased. "Yes, that's right. And I can guess why. You've really been training hard with your Sharingan lately, haven't you?"
The jonin looked away angrily. "I haven't been getting the results I wanted... training with the Sharingan is exhausting, and very physically demanding, so I can't train with it often... although I really need to. My skills are regressing lately, what with the lack of actually going anything." He smiled at Tsunade as if his lack of progress was her fault. And, in a way, it was. She felt a pang of guilt-- Doing nothing would torture me, too.
"You may take up your normal duties in three days, Kakashi." Her eyes softened as they fell upon his hand, still heavily wrapped in bandage. "And be careful. Most likely, that enemy ninja is waiting for your moment of vulnerability. And as soon as he sees opportunity, he will strike. Keep your guard up."
Hatake Kakashi grinned beneath his mask. "Don't I always?"
Tsunade glared at him with venom. "Don't push it."
Kakashi was feeling a little better after his few days of rest, and after a few lower-ranked missions, he began to get in the hang of things again. One thing bothered him, though-- Is this enemy ninja a rogue, or from another country?
Always putting the mission over his comrades-- that had been Kakashi's old way, and he hated himself for it. He'd resolved that day to never go back, to never find his heart in the same state as that day. And thus the thirty-one-year-old jonin masked his sorrow in stupidity, living every day as another person, putting the well-being and happiness of others above himself.
"I will... never let my comrades die!"
The words rang in his head even then, as he jumped from branch to branch after completing his mission. He was still pretty far away from the village, so he picked up his pace.
But the jonin's head began to throb from his effort, and he wondered if it was still too early for him to take missions so far from the village. The copy-ninja struggled to maintain his composure, and finally, after several minutes, lost his balance and fell from the tree.
For a moment his past replayed in his mind: Rin, Obito, and a younger version of himself. Tears covered young Kakashi's face, and his lip trembled beneath his mask. But Obito didn't shed a tear as he died-- "Take care of Rin." Kakashi could never forget Rin's face as she cried, no matter how hard he tried to replace the memory-- while it was precious to him, the things that are precious are the hardest to lose.
He regained his composure and managed to land fairly softly in the tall grass of the forest. But his right ankle hit the ground at an odd angle; pain surged through his leg and he realized it was damaged. I'll need to get get back to the village quickly, he thought. I can't afford to put anyone in danger by being captured...
"I will... never let my comrades die!"
He cursed under his breath as he limped through the trees, at least trying to get out of sight of any enemies. Tsunade's firm words echoed in his mind.
"As soon as he sees opportunity, he will strike. Keep your guard up."
A rough hand clutched at the jonin, firmly taking his shoulders and pulling him into the thicker part of the forest. Expecting an enemy shinobi, Kakashi whirled around, only to see the fifth Hokage-- Tsunade. "I was just testing your skills of observation, Kakashi." she explained. "Apparently you still need to work on keeping your guard up."
Kakashi turned away from the woman, peering through the trees. "I'm aware." he answered after a while. "I'm such an idiot."
"Yeah..." The copy-ninja turned back around, only to see that the fifth Hokage had disappeared. He glanced around for a moment: Where did she go?
Just as suddenly as Tsunade had disappeared, a shuriken lodged itself in Kakashi's upper thigh. He cried out in pain, and as he did, took a kunai from its case and raised it to just below his neck, pushing hard against an invisible force. Gradually, another ninja appeared in front of Kakashi, also holding a kunai. The copy-ninja had sensed enemy chakra and blocked the man's attack.
"Hatake Kakashi." the man murmured. "Are you feeling better?"
In less than a second, the mysterious rogue disappeared again, and Kakashi dropped his kunai. He couldn't help it; his hand was too sore, and applying pressure had made it much worse. And since he didn't have anything else with which to block the ninja's next attack, the rogue's kunai ended up lodged in Kakashi's left hand.
"What do you want?" Kakashi asked breathlessly.
"Only to have your head on a stick." the rogue answered playfully, as if he were joking.
He withdrew from Kakashi, taking his kunai out of his arm as he did, and grinning eerily as a long blade pierced through the copy-ninja's back, the tip of the blade visible from his stomach. A look of dull shock spread across the jonin's face, just before he faded into the air.
A... shadow clone?
Thinking quickly, the real copy-ninja ran toward the rogue, tapping his feet against a nearby tree before driving his sharp kunai into the enemy ninja's back. He, too, evaporated into shadows, which soon withered away in the small patches of sunlight pushing through the overhead tree's foliage.
Kakashi managed to move out of the way before another shadow clone of the rogue lunged at him. The jonin landed, putting equal pressure on both feet, despite the burning pain in his right ankle. Almost instantly, another blade pierced his flesh, but this time he could feel the pain. I didn't think far ahead enough-- I need to focus, or... or...
"I will... never let my comrades die!"
A large shuriken lodged itself in his back, and Kakashi felt like an idiot for not having moved in time. He whirled around, almost oblivious to the pain, and sighed. His headband had been removed and was now in his bandaged hand; his Sharingan Eye activated as soon as he lifted his pale lids.
"Sharingan Warrior..." the rogue murmured from somewhere above. "Now's the time to test this-- do you, Hatake Kakashi, really deserve the title previously bestowed only upon the members of the Uchiha Clan...?"
Kakashi grunted as he pushed off from the ground; his headband dangled from his teeth. The rogue ended up stabbing the air.
"It's only just begun, Hatake." he whispered pridefully.
And it had only just begun. The rogue was too fast; Kakashi couldn't keep track of how many shadow clones there were. He began to wonder if maybe he hadn't even seen the true rogue ninja yet, and then it hit him-- He's hiding in a tree, watching the clones do his dirty work. If I can knock him unconscious, it should be enough to rid myself of these shadows... The copy-ninja glanced desperately from tree to tree. But where is he hiding...?
"I hate to waste words." Kakashi stated calmly, if for anything than to buy some time. "But for you-- well, maybe they aren't being wasted at all."
"Go on." the ninja hissed from above.
"Crawling through the darkness... I'm so used to the suffocating black. The pressure of living up to everyone's ideals for 'perfect' jonin, the guilt radiating from my past..."
Although originally he'd only intended to buy some time, Kakashi found his words not only true, but also-- right. He felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from his chest, and he wasn't done yet.
"Not only did I lose my dearest friend, but I also failed to achieve his final wishes. I knew all along that what he wanted would take hard work, and dedication, and every bit of willpower I could muster..." Kakashi paused to bite his trembling lip. "And now I know... it wasn't even enough. I wasn't enough. After my failure, he gave me another chance-- and I failed again. Despite my strength, and how well I've mastered chakra control and jutsu, it wasn't enough. I began to think that no one could change fate, that at some point in our lives we lost control of what was happening to us, and that was the end." The shinobi bowed his head low, and continued in a steady voice. "But after witnessing another generation-- the strength of Naruto, and Sasuke, and Sakura-- I began to see what was wrong with my theory."
"And that is...?" coaxed the enemy rogue.
"What's wrong with my theory..." Kakashi raised his head to the sky, his blood-red eye flaring, and shouted, "It makes me completely, utterly miserable! And when I'm miserable-- I can't properly protect my friends!!"
Shock made the enemy ninja's lip go numb as a blade drove through his clothing, ripping every layer, painfully slowly, until finally it reached his skin and forced its way through that as well. He gasped in realization as a sudden flare of chakra surrounded him; a voice hissed in his ear, "I'm slowing time down within this bubble of chakra-- so you can experience every flick of my wrist, every movement I make. It's nothing personal-- but you should know I don't take threats against Konoha well."
"You're a crafty one, Hatake..." The rogue forced a laugh and licked his lips carefully. "Using a shadow clone to distract me while you figured out my location. Did you mean any of that...?"
"It's like I said. I hate wasting words."
Kakashi felt a slight bit of suspicion settle in his stomach as the rogue began to laugh. It started out as a low chuckle, quiet and painless, but slowly gave way into a villainous cackling, as high as a hyena's wild chortling, but dark as a moonless night. "You still haven't figured it out!" the enemy shouted between gasps for breath. "I'm not here for Konoha, Hatake-- I'm here for you!"
Realization slapped Kakashi cold and hard, like the first cool breeze of fall. For a moment he felt only the dull shock of disbelief, but disbelief slowly snowballed into anger, and soon the jonin shinobi was absolutely furious. "You... put all of Konoha in danger... to kill me..."
"No, not to kill you, to make you one of us." The rogue smiled through his pain. "That's what we wanted all along, Hatake Kakashi..."
In a long, endless cry of pain, the jonin pushed the blade deeper into the enemy's skin. The cry grew softer, but Kakashi pressed hard, and finally the enemy ninja fell from the tree, dead. Instantly, a shudder passed through Kakashi's lean body, and an angry thought echoed through his head-- Why am I shaking? I did this to protect my friends... right? To protect all of Konoha...
"I will... never let my comrades die!"
It took him a moment to realize it, but the copy-ninja was falling from the tree, toppling backwards far too quickly. It was too late for him to do anything about it; he landed flat on his back, further irritating the injuries he'd just acquired. The shinobi stood and brushed himself off-- it would take a while to get to the village on his sprained ankle, and the sun was setting.
Despite the comfort that his friends were safe, Kakashi felt tears developing in his eyes. Swiftly, he raised a hand and batted the moisture away, leaving no trace behind, and took off into the setting sun.
Iruka, Gai, and even Tsunade praised Kakashi eagerly when he told them his tale. He told it very quickly, without including minor details, and they all seemed surprised at how short his story was.
"You have honored your superiors greatly, Hatake." Tsunade told him.
"Tsunade, I wanted to ask you something-- has anyone identified that body yet?" He paused for a moment and added quickly, "What country is he from? He wasn't wearing a forehead protector."
"Slow down, Kakashi." the fifth Hokage replied, her eyes softening somewhat. "We have not yet received the news that he is from another country, no. But we believe he may be from a secret organization-- such as the Akatsuki-- sent here to capture you. The enemy jutsu used on you the other day could've been manipulated by him, but we can't really be sure."
"Kakashi, you're bleeding." said Iruka softly. He stepped forward slowly, his eyes focused on the center of the jonin's green vest, and raised a hand to wipe some sticky red liquid away. "It looks like they barely missed your vitals, but we should get you patched up anyway."
The fifth Hokage nodded, a serious expression occupying her face. "We wouldn't want you to get infected, Hatake. Come to the hospital and I'll stop the bleeding for you."
The copy-ninja silently followed Tsunade down the road, his feet dragging slightly as thoughts raced through his mind: Should I have let him live? What if he'd killed someone? What organization is he from? Why do they want me...?
He already knew the answer to the last question: his strength.
Kakashi forced the thoughts from his mind and followed the fifth Hokage through the hospital doors. He caught people staring at him, and wondered what the matter was until Tsunade turned and held out a mask. "I think you should put this on." she told him.
He raised a hand gently and touched his lips; he wasn't wearing a mask. His face colored slightly. It must've fallen off earlier. Hesitantly, he took the navy mask from Tsunade's hand and tied it behind his head. "Thank you." he whispered through the fabric. She smiled.
Kakashi awoke the very next morning with an ice-cold kunai to his throat.
"Hatake..." a mysterious figure murmured. "You killed my comrade, and I shall now do the same to you." He flicked his wrist slightly and allowed the blade to gently puncture the jonin's pale skin. Then he lifted it an inch away and drew a thin, curving line down his neck, all the way to his collarbone.
"Who are you?" The copy-ninja felt no fear, only regret. "What organization are you from?"
A somewhat bitter smile twisted the mysterious man's lips. "Not an organization. Not yet. It was only me and my friend, whom you killed, and now it is only me. I'd sent him to persuade you to join our still-in-progress takeover of Konoha, but since he's dead..." The smile went crooked and turned into a grimace. "I'm guessing the negotiations were short and rather painful."
"Yes." Kakashi replied with obvious anger. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" The man's dark eyes glimmered with confusion. "Whatever for, Hatake?"
"I killed him. To me it was simply to protect my friends, but to you... well, to you, I murdered someone close to you." His eyes fell. "I apologize."
The man surprised Kakashi with a sharp laugh, and then a bitter sob as he pushed the kunai through his pale skin. For a moment nothing happened; a second later, Kakashi was coughing blood onto the sheets of his bed. With swift reflexes, the copy-ninja rolled from the bed, blood still running from his lips, and kicked the mysterious ninja from on top of him. He fell with a grunt.
"Not bad, Hatake." the man murmured, standing. "It'll take more than that, though, if you want to continue protecting those comrades of yours..."
In a flare of hatred, the enemy ninja tackled Kakashi to the ground, plunging the kunai's sharp blade into his chest. The jonin cried out in pain, frantically trying to find his way through the confusion.
The blade pierced him again, and the copy-ninja realized his loss of blood was slowly drawing the curtain over his consciousness. He stopped struggling and allowed his head to fall back, his body going limp beneath the enemy ninja's. Satisfied that he'd won, the mysterious man rose and licked the blood from his lips. "Good-night, Hatake," he murmured. Then he left.
Darkness fell over the jonin's eyes before he went unconscious. He breathed quietly, trying to regulate his frantic heartbeat. And then he realized what was happening: he was dying. He forced a weak smile, not really sure what possessed him to do so in a crisis like this, and gently whispered his last words.
"Now... I lay me... down... to sleep..."
His vision blurred away completely, leaving nothing but darkness.
"I pray the Lord... my soul... to keep..."
He could hear his door open; someone came in.
"If I should... die... before... I wake..."
Whoever had entered shouted out to someone else, who quickly came over and knelt beside Kakashi's limp frame. "Kakashi Hatake..." they murmured.
"I pray... I... pray..."
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
"I will... never let my comrades die!"
He awoke several days later.
Iruka and Tsunade had gone to his home in order to check up on him; when they saw that Kakashi was dying, they sent Gai after the enemy ninja, who quickly found and dealt with him.
And although Tsunade hadn't though he would, Kakashi Hatake had awoken, and now he was recovering rapidly. The fifth Hokage smiled when his eyes opened; he looked at her in surprise as tears streamed down her pale face.
"You're alive." she whispered. "The Lord didn't take you after all."
"I have to stay alive a little while longer." Kakashi replied, his voice strained and raspy. "Because... I can't let my comrades die. And the Lord would chase my out of Heaven anyway."
She smiled. "If I should die... before you woke... that's what I've been thinking these past few days."
"I'm sorry."
"Why?"
"I made you worry."
"Hey, it's okay." She punched his shoulder playfully. "I'm just glad you're not dead."
He glanced out the window distractedly.
"Me too."