Title: Misunderstanding

Rating: Mature Teen

Genre: Crack

Author: Me

Disclaimer: so not mine, but I enjoy toying with them

Pairing: … implied: lots

Notes: no idea where this came from, but I found this humorous, so I decided to finish it and post it. It is pure crack—not to be taken seriously.

"Have you spotted them yet?"

Hinata looked down at Tenten and shook her head. She watched on as her junior pushed her eyes and her concentration further. "There, I can see them." Tenten almost missed the willowy whisper.

"I'll tell him." Tenten took off in search of Neji.

She wished she had opted for the communication device, but she was strapped on cash this month. She knew she would hear an earful from Neji if he ever found out. But there were some cute looking daggers that were 75 percent off the sale price. How could she miss out on a sale like that?

"Neji, Hinata spotted them." Neji leapt from his tree branch and descended to meet his partner. Without a word, the two traveled back to where their third comrade stood waiting.

"What are they doing now?" Tenten asked.

"They went in there…" Hinata's face turned bright red from embarrassment.

"Where?" Neji demanded.

Hinata shook her head, too embarrassed to say. Instead Neji leapt into the tree and searched for them in the direction his cousin had been looking. Neji's face dropped as he read the sign on the shop: Kohona's Pleasurable Ninjas.

"They went into the sex shop." Neji's voice was cold and stiff.

Tenten didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. She couldn't picture—she could picture Naruto, but not Lee going into such a place. She didn't have eyes that could see that far, so she decided to get closer to the action.

She hurried to the shop and stood in the alleyway facing the place. She felt the air around her stir. "They are leaving."

"Naruto are you sure it's okay to buy this? I mean, what if anyone found out?" Lee stuttered as he tried to roll the brown paper bag smaller.

"It's fine. No one will care. Do you even know how to use one of those?"

Lee shook his head.

"What do you suspect is in the bag?" Neji asked Tenten.

"Knowing what's sold in that shop, it's probably a dildo."

Hinata turned six shades of red while Neji glared his eyes at the pair walking towards the next shop.

"Now what are they doing?" Hinata questioned as the pair entered another shady looking shop.

"Well, if it is a dildo, then they will need some kind of lubrication." Tenten spoke her opinion out loud. She looked at Neji's murderous glare. "What? Would you prefer that they ride it raw? I don't know about you, but that might hurt. Or better yet, they could always use their saliva to moisten each other first."

Tenten disregarded Hinata's green face and Neji's death glares. Tenten rolled her eyes, "Give it up you too, you both had your chance with him, now let Lee have his turn."

She could hear Neji growl low in the back of his throat. She knew he was trying to make it look like he was trying to clear his throat, but she had known him for far too long now.

She brushed him off and watched as the two of them walked out of the shop. Naruto was laughing carelessly while Lee looked rather uncomfortable. Naruto handed the bag over to Lee and took out his list.

"Why does Naruto need a list?" Hinata peeped up.

"Well Naruto ain't no virgin when it comes to sex, but Lee…he's not wet behind the ears, he's got a bucketful. I can only suspect that Naruto made up a sex list so he can have everything ready for tonight and their little romp. We all know Naruto…when it comes to remembering the little things… Remember the time he forgot to take off the cock ring?"

"You don't have to bring that up now, do you?" Neji blushed an angry red and looked at his cousin who was on the verge of passing out.

"Why would Naruto-kun go into a grocery store?" Hinata pointed out moving the subject along.

Both shrugged and turned their attention back to them. "Let's go find out." Neji rushed forward and went into the store.

"Why are we getting fruit?" Lee asked inspecting the bananas.

"Fruit is essential; bananas especially. You don't want to get them when they are too yellow cause then you'll have to use them right away, and they might be a little mushy on the inside. That's bad. Get them a little greener, and then they won't be bruised. They will be nice and firm, just the way you're supposed to use them."

"Could you imagine if he used a banana and it got stuck, that would suck." Tenten snickered.

"No, it would be painful." Neji supplemented.

Tenten stood for a moment thinking, "It happened to you didn't it? Is that how he knew?"

Neji stood deathly still not saying a word.

"He sucked it out right?" She added laughing to the joke she just told.

Again, Neji didn't say a word. Tenten had hit the nail on the head. She didn't know if she should laugh or puke. She suspected that if she did both, it would only end up coming out her nose.

"Alright, we have the bananas. Now we need whipping cream. Are you a can or tub man?" Naruto asked walking to the refrigerated section.

"Is there a difference?" Lee's bulky eyebrows rose in confusion.

Tenten shook her head. "Man is he slow. Oh course there's a difference. The can is erotic and torturous, allowing you to play with your partner while not touching him, and the tub allows you to draw on his skin teasing and taunting him. I prefer the can myself, it's less messy."

"I don't know Naruto-kun; it looks like too much trouble."

"Lee," Naruto said dumping a few cans in the basket. "It's all worth it in the end."

"So Naruto likes the cans?" Hinata perked up and mentioned.

"He liked the tub better; he got to lick in places his fingers had ventured."

"So he wants to start off slow with Lee. He knows what went wrong when he was with you and didn't want to chance it."

"So what now?" Lee asked as he watched Naruto pull out the list and drag him to the frozen food section.

"Popsicles."

"Why popsicles? Isn't that a little childish?"

"Popsicles are what you need. They are refreshing, and the sugar gives you stamina."

Tenten blinked her eyes several times. "Wouldn't that be cold? I mean you can't warm them up in a microwave. So what? You just ram them in and hope it doesn't disappear?"

Neji gritted his teeth. "The art of popsicles is a fine art that he hasn't mastered yet. Why would he use it on Lee?"

"But seriously Neji, you're a guy, I think… How many things did you get shoved up your ass when you fucked Naruto? By the looks of this, Naruto has plans to keep Lee in bed and from walking for a week."

"But what if it's Lee who's going to do this to Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked, timidly hiding her face.

Tenten and Neji gave each other a startled glance before considering the possibility. It wouldn't be the first time Naruto was on the bottom, but they always suspected that Lee would have been the toy this time around.

"Naruto-kun, do you know how many calories are in chocolate syrup?"

"Lee, you can't do anything unless you have chocolate syrup. No, don't grab the bottle, grab the can."

"But then the stuff will get everywhere."

"That's the whole point. It's supposed to get everywhere. That's half the fun."

Tenten looked at Neji who grounded his teeth to keep from growling out. "We never got to the syrup. He said that was reserved."

Tenten looked on curiously as Lee and Naruto made their way to the snack isle. Despite Lee's protests, Naruto threw in several bags of licorice ribbons. "Is that some new type of bondage?"

"Will they even hold?" Hinata peeped up from the back. Her face was still a shade of red indicating her highly embarrassed expression.

Neji glared as several of the thicker ribbons were thrown into the basket. "The thicker ones can be a bitch to take off. Once Naruto tied them so tight he had to bite and lick and chew them off…" Neji's voice trailed off

"Wow, I didn't know the power of sugar could be so strong." Tenten thought out loud.

"Naruto-kun, I think getting the gum balls are a bad idea."

"No way, they are necessary. The max I can hold is 23. It's fun! You should try it sometime." Naruto smiled throwing in several cartons of the gumballs.

"23…that's in his mouth right?" Tenten asked hopefully.

Neji didn't say a word but simply shook his head.

There were some things that she just didn't want to know—this was one of those things.

"Naruto-kun, why are you buying so many containers of Ramen?"

Naruto flashed a smile and kept adding them to the basket.

"I don't think Naruto-kun plans on leaving wherever he's going for a while." Tenten had to agree with Hinata's observation.

"I think you're right."

Neji glared at what the two females were discussing. "Over my dead body."

Tenten placed her hand over his shoulder, "To him, you might be already." She quickly removed her hand before he could break every last bone in her hand.

The pair added a few more items to the cart from the list before making their way to the check out. The cashier seemed to know Naruto. She even had the nerve to ask if this was his new 'friend'. The boys both gave a beaming grin and started how they've 'friends' for a long time.

The cashier nodded and placed the items in the bags, telling them that they should play nicely.

Tenten was having a hard time trying to keep her laughter under control. She had a death grip on Neji's vest holding him back from getting free and creating havoc. He wasn't too pleased over the current situation. Tenten sighed a breath of relief when the two left the store, but groaned in frustration as Neji took that time to go after them.

With Hinata in tow, they took after them. Tenten stopped in her tracks as she felt all her efforts to remain a spy failed. Neji approached the new pair.

"Hey Neji, I was just talking about you!" Naruto smiled as the not so secretive ninja revealed himself.

"What have you been up to Naruto?" Neji demanded as he nodded his head towards the double bagged items Naruto was holding.

"Nothing much… just some shopping for tonight."

"Tonight…" His voice trailed off leaving a cold feeling in the air. "I see. So tell me, what is on the agenda for tonight?"

Lee could feel the tension that hung about in the air. It wasn't a pleasant feeling. "Naruto-kun, I think I can manage everything from here. I don't know what I would do if you weren't here to help me."

Tenten could tell Lee was in trouble. The poor boy wasn't smart enough to get out of this on his own, so she dragged Hinata and went to rescue her teammate. Lee grabbed a few bags from Naruto and separated what was his and what belonged to his friend before returning the bag.

"Lee, what are you doing here?" Tenten asked innocently, making it look like she hadn't been following them around all afternoon.

"Oh Tenten, I was just doing some shopping. You see, I was asked to provide the snacks for tonight's movie at the community center. I wasn't sure what children liked to eat while they watched movies…I was sure they would appreciate a healthy snack like eggplant and kelp, but Naruto-kun assured me that wasn't the case, so he showed me what the children like."

Neji and Tenten looked like they had seen a ghost, while Hinata chuckled slightly. Tenten was the first to recover. "Wow, that's so nice of you Lee. Let Hinata and myself help you out tonight." Before anyone could say a word, Tenten ushered them back towards the community center.

She flashed Neji a grin and a quick wink before leaving the jealous lover alone.

"So you were only helping Lee out?"

"Of course! I couldn't let the kids eat eggpoop and whelp. Who knows what those things are!"

"So then the bananas and chocolate sauce…?"

"Banana splits of course."

Neji let out a sigh of relief.

Naruto started to walk back to his apartment. Neji walked beside him in silence. Neji was only able to walk down a street before he had to ask, "What's with all the ramen?"

"Oh, I was out, and they were on sale."

Again, Neji sighed a breath of relief. It seemed he had an over active imagination. "Then what about the sex shop?"

"You've been following us for that long?"

"Answer the question." He ignored his question and wanted some answers.

"If you want to know ask Lee."

"I'm asking you." Neji pinned Naruto against a wall and glared into his crystal blue eyes.

"This isn't something I should be telling you." Naruto stared into the transparent eyes and sighed as Neji's grip turned to steel and a small constant snarl was starting to emerge from the back of his throat. "Fine. Lee wanted to buy something different for Gai-sensei's birthday next week."

"Then why are you holding the package if it's for Gai-sensei?"

"Well someone has got to try it out first to make sure they live up to everything they say on the box. Defective gifts suck."

"Oh. and who were you going to use as a test?"

Naruto gave a smirk and leaned closer to Neji. "I said before that I was just talking about you…"

Neji smirked and descended his lips to Naruto's. "And what would you have done if I had been busy?" He asked after breaking the kiss.

Naruto shrugged and started to walk back towards his place. "I would have asked the next person on the list and would have kept going till someone said yes."

Neji's eyes darkened, but he followed the boy back home. He would make sure he was available whenever Naruto wanted him. He wouldn't allow anyone else to play with him if he had a say in it.

Crack and a serving of more crack. -.-; Yes, I like guys with issues…I can't believe I wrote this…

Beta: Third time's a charm. The fillers truly need to end, and then they will stop giving you horrible ideas.