Bible of the Golden Witch
(A/N: Due to the lack of colored text, bold text represents the red truth.)
(A/N: Also, this fic has some vague spoilers for Episode 2, but is otherwise free.)
It was another peaceful day in the Meta World. Ushiromiya Battler, having recovered from his third game against Beatrice, was enjoying some black tea with Ronove and Virgilia. Their fun came to a swift end, however, with the arrival of the Golden Witch and the announcement of her new gameboard.
"For fuck's sake Beato, I'm too tired to be watching you kill my family in gruesome ways, go away," Battler snarled.
"We won't be going to Rokkenjima this time, Battler," Beatrice grinned, to Battler's discomfort. "I have been reading up on human history and happened to find a most perplexing case of real-life magic from many a year ago! I'm going to take you there, and it'll be fun!"
"Real magic…?" Battler stared at her, unsure of what she was planning. Was she suddenly admitting by implication that the magic she had shown him on Rokkenjima until now wasn't real?
Before he could finish that thought, golden butterflies flooded the room, and Battler's vision soon turned white as the clock reversed at high speed, taking him and Beatrice to the past – to thousands of years past!
December 24, 4:50 PM
Battler woke up in the desert.
"Ew, sand!" he exclaimed, spitting sand out of his mouth. "Damn witch, dropping me in the middle of the desert like this."
He got up and saw a woman in front of him.
"Hi, I'm Mary."
Battler's mind raced for words, but in the end, all he could say was another unusual sexual joke.
Mary immediately backed off, grimacing.
"I am a virgin, I do not like sex. Goodbye!" Mary turned around and walked away, clearly creeped out by Battler's advances.
"What happened?" said Battler.
"She is furniture," said Beatrice from the meta world. "She is simply unable to experience sex the way you do, Battler."
"So she's really a virgin, huh?"
"Yes. Mary is a virgin."
"…I didn't ask for the red. But thanks."
"Also, a word of advice, Battler; I would suggest starting off with "Hello" next time," chuckled Ronove.
Battler turned around, planning to head somewhere else, but halted in his tracks when he saw a golden butterfly in that direction. Battler knew that meant Beatrice was that way, and he had had enough of her for one lifetime. Yawning, he turned back around and walked in the direction opposite the butterfly – which coincided with the direction Mary had just left him.
After a tiresome hike through the sands of the desert, Battler came across a humble wooden building. It was covered in posters for various theatre productions, but the sign at the top made it clear that it was an inn. Battler looked across and saw Mary walking with his back turned to him! Battler knew Mary rejected him earlier, but the prospect of getting a second chance was enough to make him grin!
Mary walked around to the side of the inn, so Battler decided to sneak up on her slowly...
Mary stood alone beside the inn. Looking around, there was no sign of the innkeeper, or that strange, immature boy, or anyone of any descript. She cleared her throat and addressed the hot, dry air before her with one simple phrase.
"How's the baby?" she asked. To the ignorant masses, it would appear she were talking to none but herself, if not a pretend friend one might make in kindergarten. But then, as if in response to her query, the air in front of her condensed, forming a faint cloud. The cloud solidified and began to take the shape of a bird. Then, a human! The human, a relatively young man about Mary's age, hovered in the air above Mary, gently flapping his beautiful white wings before slowly descending onto the red hot sands below him.
"The baby is now at 99% completion. Preparations to extract the baby from the womb have been long completed, my mistress."
"That is good to hear," smiled Mary. "Do operate swiftly and with care, won't you?"
"Of course, my mistress," said the angel. "Our latest equipment defies the limitations of modern day human technology, as you would expect. I can assure you that—"
"Hey, what's going on here?" said Battler, rounding the corner.
"Hi," said the angel.
Battler stared in shock at the man. For the woman he had been following to already be meeting another man in such conditions was enough of a downer to him, but any concerns he would have had were shoved into the back of his head and replaced with confusion when he saw the physical build of this man. He looked like a regular human being, but one key detail stood out.
"You have wings!" screamed Battler.
"Yes."
"But humans can't fly!"
The man chuckled. "Why do you say that? I am what you might call an "Angel," after all."
"No, stop it!" shouted Battler. His roar shook the walls of the inn, not that he took notice. "Angels are creatures of myth! I can't accept your existence!"
"Whatever you say," said the angel. The angel then turned around and walked away, like any normal person. Battler turned to where he thought Mary was standing, but it seemed she backed away too.
What were those two talking about, anyway? Something about a baby?
Meanwhile, Beatrice was cackling away like a madwoman as usual from over the gameboard.
"I see you've met my new minion, what did you think of him?"
"Ah, stupid, this is just another one of your tricks!" shouted Battler.
"But you saw him yourself! Let me remind you that your perspective shows nothing but the objective truth," said Beatrice. It was true; Battler's point of view was as trustworthy as the red truth in these games.
"Like I said, angels don't exist, so that guy was clearly just a regular man. The white wings are pretty weird, but maybe he just pulled them off a big white bird. As for that part where he was hovering over the sand, we didn't get to see him flying around as free as a bird. He was probably just suspended by some string."
"Sure, sure, whatever you say," said Beatrice.
"Shut up! If I'm wrong, deny it in red. Go on. Do it! I bet you can't!"
Beatrice closed her eyes, pondering this request. She, as the Game Master, had the ability to confirm or deny Battler's theories by stating the truth in red. This could prove advantageous to either side depending on how much care it is used with. Eventually, she opened her eyes.
"The man you met beside the inn did not lie to you. Satisfied?"
"Of course not! That doesn't tell me anything!" shouted Battler. "Repeat it! "The man I met beside the inn was an angel!""
"How redundant. Have you already forgotten what the man even said to you? Come now, he said four simple sentences."
Battler thought back on the angel's words.
"Hi." A standard greeting.
"Yes." His response when Battler pointed out the somewhat obvious fact that he had wings.
"Why do you say that? I am what you might call an "Angel," after all." This was his most substantial statement, and certainly the most devastating. For this to be the truth would be for that man to be a real-life angel…
"Maybe we're taking this all too literally," Battler suggested. "That guy was dressed up as an angel, after all. Maybe when he said that, he meant it the same way a kid says "I'm a monster" when they dress up for Halloween."
"What a desperate move! The man was not referring to his costume when he said he's an Angel. To put it another way, the man is always an Angel, whether he is dressed like that or not!"
"D-Damn…"
She's got me there. Damn, this is not good. Two red truths in and she's already got me backed into a corner. We haven't even gotten to any murders yet, for fuck's sake. Ah, fuck this. This is no fucking good!
"You have such a terrible poker face, you know! Are you ready to yield already?" Beatrice grinned, thoroughly enjoying my frustration.
"Never! We're still only in the opening phase!"
"Hoh. You naïve man. You have no idea what lies ahead, do you? Very well, if you insist, we may shelve this matter for now."
Thank goodness, I don't think I could handle any more of this topic. Agh, how pathetic am I?!
Battler prodded the ground. He'd spent the last few minutes trying to determine the legitimacy of that "angel" by analysing the ground for footprints. It had proven to be a difficult task considering just how many sets of footprints he could find. His reasoning was that, if the man truly was an angel, he would have flown away, leaving no footprints behind. Clearly, though, looking at the state of the ground in front of him, he would have to abandon this line of thinking.
What's gotten into me? Of course he's not an angel!
Battler decided he'd stood around in the sand pondering that strange man long enough. He knew there was a trick behind the guy, but he'd never figure it out with the sun beating down on him like this. He headed back around to the front of the inn and was about to head inside, only to immediately remember that staying at inns cost money, and he had none of that.
Battler sighed. He wasn't used to living in poverty. It seemed he finally had a reason to add "keeping me rich and spoiled" to the ever-growing list of reasons to hate that old bastard.
What would someone without money do in this situation? Battler thought. He didn't have to think long, fortunately. It was clear he needed to get out from under the sun, and this inn was the only building in a million mile radius. He turned toward a stable next to the inn. Even if just for one night, he could hide there with the horses. No one would know. What are the chances of the owner heading in there at any point tonight?
Battler walked to the stable and tried to open the door. To his surprise, it wasn't locked!
"I've gotten too used to rooms being locked. Ihihihihihi!"
Battler swung the stable door open and jumped into some hay in the corner. It was the perfect hiding spot, and it would keep him warm when night fell! He decided he'd snuggle up under this hay, hit the road first thing in the morning and maybe figure out what the heck was up with that angel guy.
December 24, 11:35 PM
Battler awoke to the sound of the stable door slamming shut.
"Now, then, are we all ready."
Battler stirred. He took a peek out of the hay that he had comfortably buried himself under and, though it was dark, could barely make out two figures and… something. He couldn't quite make it out, but it was rectangular in shape. That was the most he could make out in the dark. He slowly shifted closer, and as he did, so did the hay stack. He was quite slow, however. By the time he got a good look at the people, he was sure it had past midnight.
Suddenly, he heard something. A voice. A baby's voice, in fact.
His eyes peered out through the hay again and this time, through his limited vision, he could clearly make out a man and a woman. More to Battler's interest, however, there was someone else there, a smaller person in the woman's hands…
"What shall you name him, Mary?" asked the man.
"I'll name him Jesus," said Mary.
Held in Mary's embrace was a baby, clearly a newborn. She laid the baby in a crib, but he did not open his eyes. It would have been a beautiful sight to behold were it not for Battler, still hiding in the haystack, whose eyes held the potential to burst of from their sockets.
"Beato!" he shouted in a voice that could not be heard by those of this world, but of the heavens above.
"Yeeeees?" Beatrice smiled her usual annoying, mischievous smile.
"I thought you said Mary was a virgin! You said it in red! How did she give birth to a baby a day later?!"
"Magic! What else?!"
Upon hearing those words, Battler relaxed.
"Oh, I see. It's another one of your tricks."
"Go on."
"All this means is that Mary there isn't the mother. We see the baby in her hands, but that doesn't necessarily mean the baby is hers."
"Then where did this baby come from?"
"There's a guy next to her. That bearded man. He must be the father."
"Let me stop you right there," said Beatrice. "Joseph is not Jesus' father."
"Jesus? Oh, you mean the baby, right. Well, you're not gonna stop me there. Confirm that bearded guy is Joseph or I'm not budging."
"Very well. Joseph is the bearded man you're referring to. And that bearded man is, indeed, not Jesus' father."
"Tch. Not bad," said Battler. "But of course, I wasn't finished."
"Oh, do go on," grinned Beatrice, eager to hear how off the mark his next suggestion would be.
"As of right now, we only know of four people existing in this stable. Me, Mary, Joseph and Jesus. But what if there's more? Can you confirm that there are only four people in this stable?"
Beatrice had to pause for a moment before speaking.
"Refused."
"Bingo!" A wide grin sprung on Battler's face. "In that case, I claim that there's another woman in this stable. That woman is the one who gave birth to Jesus, and his real mother!"
"Oh," Beatrice perked up. "That much I can deny with ease. Mary is the only woman in the stable right now."
"H—"
"And before you say anything more, I shall add to the red. Jesus was born no more than a minute ago."
"Damn witch!" Beatrice had successfully predicted Battler's next move. "Ah, it's useless! It's all useless! Maybe there's no other woman inside the stable, so maybe she's outside the stable. Like, maybe she's outside. Or in the inn. She gave birth to Jesus somewhere out there and Joseph or someone brought the baby inside. And, uh, this all happened within a minute, because why not?"
"Ahahahahahaaaa!" Beatrice laughed at Battler's predictability. "I saw that one coming a mile away, you know! But that won't do you any good!"
"Say it in red, then. "There is no woman in or near the inn aside from Mary!""
"Actually, no. I shall not."
Battler stiffened. He had detailed plans to jump up and celebrate if she was unable to repeat that, but her confidence made him uneasy. "What do you have up your sleeve now?"
"Let's return to the game for just a moment and you'll see for yourself!"
Battler kept eying the baby closely. He was just about to get up when suddenly, the door swung open!
"We wise men three have ARRIVED!" announced a wealthy, but somewhat crazy-looking old man.
"And so are we," said a much poorer looking old man. "Hi."
Behind the two men were four more people. Two of them were old men who appeared to be similar to the former old man in both their status and their crazy appearances. The two people next to them were more akin to the latter old man. They, like their companion, carried one little lamb each. They seemed to be shepherds.
Battler was curious why three shepherds would be travelling with who appeared to be a trio of kings, but he quickly set that aside. One of those shepherds was a woman!
"Jesus, you are our king!" one of the kings – the "wise men" as they referred to themselves – said to the baby. The three wise men lined up in front of the baby and each gave him one present. Jewels. Certainly not something even Battler ever got for any of his birthdays – and he was a descendant of the great Ushiromiya Kinzo, a man whose name is known throughout the galaxy!
"Wh-what's going on?!" Battler muttered.
"Sorry, but…" said Mary. "Who are you?"
"Why, we are wise men three! Clever we are, the stars of the sky told us of a boy named Jesus! Follow a star we did, and here we are!"
"Wh-what?!" Battler muttered.
Are these crazy guys seriously trying to say they came all this way because of some constellation?
"Um, yeah, anyway…" said one of the shepherds. "We've brought some sheep for Jesus. Hope he likes them."
The shepherds laid their lambs down on the hay, coming distressingly close to spotting Battler hiding right next to them.
"Weeeell? How about that?" said Beatrice. "That woman there is the one sole woman who existed just outside the inn. There are no other women to be found within a mile of this stable!"
"Then maybe she's the mother! You can't rule her out as a suspect!" said Battler.
"Can't you read in between the lines, you fool? That lady just walked in here with five other men. We also just established that the baby was born less than a minute ago! That little shepherd lady has an alibi for the time of birth! In other words, no one other than Mary, there in the stable, could have given birth to Jesus! That red's a free one. I would appreciate if you didn't make those wise men out to be accomplices, after all."
"Wise men my ass!" said Battler. "What kind of wise guy goes following stars to places?"
"Do you doubt their word? It would be rather pointless to tell such a blatant lie, don't you think?"
"Oh, so I'm supposed to believe a star of all things was what led these guys here?" said Battler.
"Of course! Why, Battler, they just fed the truth to you free of charge! Why don't you accept their generous offer?"
"Because it's insane, that's why! There's no way something like that could've happened! They're probably just the kid's grandparents or something, playing around with the damn kid!"
"Didn't you notice that Mary had no idea who they were?"
"I-It's part of the act!"
"Stubborn man! I hate to throw reds out on rapid fire like this, but you leave me no choice. These gentlemen have no blood relation to the baby, Jesus."
Battler kept glaring at the witch.
"Fine. Since you're so set on denying it, the three kings here were told about Jesus by a star, like they said. It is also true that they came to this stable by following a star."
"Who are these old guys calling "wise"? Damn!"
"Give it up, Battler!" grinned Beatrice. "I didn't even consider this part to be a work of magic, but your look of defeat makes me consider this yet another win for me!"
"Daaaamn youuuuuu!" shouted Battler.
There's no way I can accept a star of all things "told" them to come here. Least of all that they told him the baby's name. The odds of that are… astronomical!
"W-Wait, that's it! Maybe we're misinterpreting the meaning of "star" here!"
"…Hoh?"
"Yeah! I keep thinking of this as a star in the astronomical sense, but what if that's not the case? What if, say, the star refers to an actor? Yeah, that's it! Instead of some celestial body, the star was actually some famous guy. For example, maybe the star is the innkeeper! He does have all those posters hanging up on the wall. Therefore, the star the old men are talking about was a human, just like me and… well, just me, really."
"…What?! What is this naïve argument? The star that told them about Jesus was a star in the sky. A celestial body. An object in outer space! That is what they followed, not a human with a fancy label!"
"Then what's left?!" shouted Battler.
"Nothing! Give in! Accept that I used magic to control the galaxy to point these wise men towards the baby, Jesus Christ!"
"…Nghhhhaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Battler screamed. His soul also screamed. Every fibre in his body was ready to resign. There was no way he could keep fighting against this. No way!
Beatrice laughed. She laughed and laughed.
"You're perfect for staving away my boredom, don't you know? I'm sure you're just dying to give up where you stand…" She took a sip of her tea, then threw the cup away, smashing it against the wall as a result. "Well, too bad! The show has yet to begin!"
"The show with the star…?"
"Yes! And that star is Jesus himself! Come, Battler! Let us observe the magical life of Jesus Christ!"
Beatrice stood up, placed her hands on a large clock that appeared out of nowhere, and began spinning the hands, speeding up time exponentially. Battler held on tight to the table as the tea room sped through the vortex of time. He knew. It was clear what Beatrice was up to. What Battler had futilely struggled on for the last hour was just the beginning. The easy part. The true challenge had yet to come…!