A/N I've read a lot of twists put on classics- so I decided to try out something of the sort. This is meant to be very funny, and is more of a script then a story. (Though I'm not actually following any sort of script, so if I get 'timeless classic' quotes wrong, don't be mad)

Chapter One of the Pirate Theater!

JS: 'Chapter one of a theater? That makes no bloody sense.'

Coming from you Jack, that reprimand means little.

JS: 'Oh… I see your point.'

Er… ok, back to the intro. For the first act-

JS: 'See! Now that makes sense.'

Shut-up Jack, before I decide to remove you from the play.

JS: 'But I'm a major part!'

How do you know that?

JS: 'I read past your narration.'

You cheated.

JS: 'Did not.'

Did too!

JS: 'Did not.'

ES: 'Both of you- shut it!'

JS: 'Oh 'Lizabeth! I didn't know you were coming.'

Jack, she's a major part too- didn't you read that?

JS: 'Er- no?'

…Moving on. Act one of the first chapter of Pirate Theater. The abridged, Romeo and Juliet! Staring our favorite pair- Jack and Elizabeth!

WT: 'Jack and Elizabeth? What about me!'

Sorry Will, you aren't in this.

WT: 'But I'm a major character!'

JS: 'Not in this you aren't.'

Thank you Jack.

JS: 'You're welcome.'

Now- seeing as this is the abridged version, we're going to have to move quickly. Romeo- go!

JS: 'Er- what am I supposed to say?'

I don't know- we don't use scripts. Bad for the trees.

JS: 'How am I supposed to know what to say without a script?'

ES: I agree with Jack, this makes no sense.'

JS: 'Thanks much.'

Listen, both of you- start talking or the main cast gets turned over to Norrington and Will.

JS: 'That's bloody awful- why'd you have to go and say something like that?'

I'm sorry, I really shouldn't have.

ES: 'Out of curiosity- who would have played Juliet?'

WT: 'Elizabeth!'

ES: 'It's a valid question Will!'

JS: 'Indeed, but I think the question answers itself.'

I agree with Jack.

WT: 'You're the narrator! You're not supposed to even talk to us.'

You're just mad because the eunuch jokes are true.

WT: 'Are not…'

Are too, but come on people! When are we going to get to the play?

JS: 'Is that what you're calling this?'

Don't get all snippy with me Jack. Now start spouting something that sounds Shakespearian. And remember- you've just met the most beautiful girl in the world.

JS: 'I have? Er- ok… um…

Oh! What heaven hath thrown my way. What flower have I just beheld? Who is she? Where doth she wander from? Oh- when shall I see such a fair maiden again?

…There… I did it.'

ES: 'Wow Jack… that was, pretty good.'

I agree, but stop interrupting the flow. Juliet- go!

ES: 'What? Oh, right…

Such a man as he must have wandered from timeless tales! But alas, who is this man? Something about him strikes familiarity, yet, where have I seen him? Surely I would have remembered such a man…

… That was, awkward.'

JS: 'You're telling me, luv! Will just tried to 'accidentally' run me through!'

Will! No messing with the actors.

WT: 'But she's my fiancé!'

Not in this story she isn't. Romeo- you've just learned who she is, but still want to be with her.

JS: 'There was a discrepancy before?'

Yes- her family is your family's sworn enemy! Now, go be romantic.

ES: 'May I take this moment to point out Jack has a very vast vocabulary for a pirate?'

JS: 'I'm not sure if that was a compliment or an insult.'

Listen you two, stop talking between the lines or this really will become a Norri-Will show! Now start spouting sonnets and romantic poems.

JS: 'Can you please stop torturing me with such images? I'm amazingly imaginative for a pirate.'

ES: 'Jack!'

JS: 'Sorry luv…lines… right…

Oh, Juliet! (throws rock at her bedroom window) The sun of my dawn, the flower in my heart. Please, allow me to venture forth up your garment- Er, I mean venture up onto your balcony, so that we may share the coming sun rise together!

…This is the end of our romantic stage, right?'

Jack, I'm going to ignore your screw-up and not answer your question. Eliza- damn it Jack, look what you've done? You've messed up the narrator! Just go already Juliet!

ES: 'Sheesh! Fine, it's not like I was the one who screwed up…

Oh, Romeo! My sweet Romeo-

Jesus Jack, how did you do that? I'm out here.'

JS: 'It's harder then it looks- aye? Here's some advice love- stop thinking about Will.'

ES: 'Interesting…

Romeo! Surely you will be afraid of being caught? Yet my heart begs to be with you… Yes Romeo, I would love to share this dawn with you.

…Wow Jack, you're creative and you give good advice!'

Really Jack, what is this new side of you?

JS: 'People give me no credit. This truly is an insult mate.'

ES: 'Jack- you just told my fiancé to stop thinking about me!'

JS: 'It's not my fault it worked mate.'

He's right you know. Now stop interrupting Will. Romeo- you and Juliet are going to the church to be married, go.

JS: 'Married? This is a play right? Nothing legal?'

No Jack, this is pretend, now hurry up and start spouting love and encouragement!

JS: 'It's nothing against you Lizzie, I just can't settle down right now.'

ES: 'I understand Jack.'

Ahem.

JS: 'Right…

Oh my sweet Juliet! We can no longer wait for our families. Come- let us away to the church! The priest there is my friend, and will surely understand our plight!

…Do you want me to play the part of the priest too? I was a cleric once you know.'

You impersonated a cleric Jack. Besides- how can you get married to Juliet while you're the priest?

JS: 'Well…'

I wasn't looking for an explanation. Elizabeth- Damn it! Juliet, respond!

ES: 'Why are you always angry at me? I'm writing to the actors guild after this…

Oh Romeo I long to wait for approval, but I know your words to be true. Let us away to this church- and pray your friend grants pity upon us.

…Did I just copy what you said?'

JS: 'I believe you did 'Lizabeth.'

It's ok- in a Shakespeare story the audience needs repetition.

ES: 'But we're not even following the story- we're just stealing the plot!'

Well we don't want to be sued for plagiarism do we?

JS: 'Really Lizzie! hadn't you thought of that?'

ES: 'Well.. No?'

Obviously…

JS: 'Hey!'

Jack! Are you standing up for Elizabeth?

JS: '…No.'

Are too!

JS: 'Am not!'

Are-

WT: 'Aha! They are distracted, let us away Elizabeth!'

Will- this is a script form story. Only one person can talk at once!

JS: 'Yea mate, we can all hear you. Besides, who talks like that anyway?'

ES: 'Really Will!'

WT: 'But… you guys…'

They're acting Will! Now go back to the Extra's Corner and stay there!

WT: 'I don't wanna…'

Stop being a baby and GO!

WT: 'FINE! But I expect my fiancé back!'

What a whiner. Now- back to the show! Romeo- you think Juliet is dead, lament over her body and then drink a vial of poison.

JS: 'Excuse me?'

You heard me.

ES: 'I'm inclined to think he hopes you said it wrong.'

JS: 'Exactly.'

You two better stop agreeing or Will is going to come back.

JS: 'I'm not going to bloody kill myself!'

It's a play Jack!

JS: 'Then why did you hand me this vial?'

It's er... a prop.

JS: 'Liar.'

ES: 'Wow Jack… that was intense.'

JS: 'Your really think so luv?'

Listen you two- get back to the play or… Hey, where are you going? No! Wait- if you go that way-!

THE END

WT: 'Hey! Where did she go?'

Get out of the credits Will!

WT: 'ELLIIIZZaaaabeeethh!'

Cry baby.

A/N So ends the first chapter- er act, of my twisted classics. I hope you enjoyed it.