A/N:Greetings! This is a very silly idea for a story I've had milling around in my head for a while. It's my first real attempt at a romantic comedy, and I hope you enjoy the first chapter. It is likely to be around 10 chapters long, and I'm aiming to update every couple of days. Viva la swan queen!
The Fault in Our Base: Chapter 1
Granny's is empty. Completely, and ludicrously empty, in a way that instantly has Emma ticking off the story book characters capable of casting a dark curse. She prays to Merlin it isn't Regina's twisted idea of a joke- or worse, revenge- after her month long war with Granny to determine who makes the better lasagne, as voted for by the general public (it's important to maintain the appearance of democracy, Regina had insisted).
Both participants had ran iron fisted campaigns, with Regina recruiting Gold to help her terrorise her way to victory, and Granny roaming the streets with her crossbow and threatening a lifetime ban from her diner to anyone who dared to vote for Regina. Most residents had simply opted not to participate, until Regina passed a town ordinance declaring it a legal requirement to 'vote on matters affecting the future of Storybrooke'. Ultimately, for all of Regina's supposed wretched evil and unforgivable sins, the threat of having to find somewhere else to purchase a grilled cheese sandwich sealed Granny's fate as the victor.
It's two weeks later now, and Regina is still throwing fireballs at anyone who dares bring up the sore topic of her loss, and Emma and Henry are under no circumstances allowed to enter the lair of a sworn enemy. Regina has even taken to bringing Emma lunch at the Sheriff's office every day, as though she knows Emma won't be able to resist sneaking off for a hamburger the moment her back is turned.
Today, Regina is tied up in a meeting at lunch, and Emma had hoped to run to Granny's and eat the evidence before Regina got so much as a whiff, so it's just her luck that catastrophe appears to have befallen the place.
With a resigned sigh, she takes one last look around the deserted diner before calling out, "It's Sheriff Swan. Is anyone there?"
There's a long silence, and Emma is about to call for backup when Ruby comes bursting out from behind the counter in a wolf onesie, all bed hair and no makeup. She swoops over to Emma, kisses both cheeks, then grabs her hands and starts pulling her into the back room without so much as a word. Emma lets herself get dragged along, trying to visualise the pages of 'Curses for the Accursed' (a book Regina had lent her for a bit of light bed time reading) in attempt to rationalise the situation and figure out whatever the hell it is the evil queen has done this time.
Ruby practically shoves her through the door, and Emma finds herself staring at a room full of people with their eyes glued to their laptops. Granny is wearing a thick black head set, and is having a heated discussion with someone over whether branch mining is more profitable than shaft mining. Geppetto is hunched in a corner muttering something about needing jungle wood, and Rumpelstiltskin, of all people, is asking Mother Superior how she's managed to acquire so many gold bars in such a short space of time. No one so much as blinks when Ruby pushes Emma into a chair and flops down beside her.
If this is a curse, Emma thinks, Regina has outdone herself this time in terms of ingenuity.
"Ruby-" she begins, only to have the other girl cut her off with an exasperated wave of her hand.
"It's Minecraft." She breathes excitedly, huffing at Emma when she shows no reaction.
"Is that some kind of mental disorder?"
Ruby punches her in the arm and Emma winces, rolling her head towards the ceiling in a silent plea to the Gods, story book or otherwise, to help her. "It's a game, Emma." Ruby states slowly. "You have to make an account! Everyone is playing"
Ruby points at the screen, and all Emma sees is squares. Square trees, square flowers, square buildings, and even a square chicken. Her eyes flick back to Ruby's face, and the blonde is pretty sure the brunette's eyes are starting to turn square too. Her dark hair is stuck out at odd angles, there's a grease stain on her onsie, and she looks as though she could do with a sleeping curse. Overall, Ruby has a manic energy about her, and Emma gulps audibly.
"Uh, exactly how long have you been playing this, Rubes?"
Ruby shrugs off the question with a wave of her hand. "Not long. 3 days, maybe 4. That's not important," her eyes have already returned to the laptop screen, and moments later she's forcing it into Emma's lap. "You have to make an account, Emma. I need you to join my faction. Gold griefed my base. Are you just gonna let him get away with that?"
Emma, ever the saviour, shakes her head.
And that's how she winds up missing work and almost ending up cursed by an irate Gold after stealing his diamonds, and 50 dollars poorer with an account called sheriffswan15 on a game called Minecraft.
It's almost dark by the time Emma finally escapes. She takes her opportunity when Ruby, who has been holding her bladder all day, finally makes a crazed dash for the toilet. And now, finally, blessedly, and ignoring the endless notifications (probably Ruby) on her phone, she is free.
She doesn't even hesitate before practically skipping to 108 Miffin Street. She'd found herself crying on Regina's porch one night several months back after a messy break up with Hook. For once devoid of sarcastic comments, Regina had invited her in, stuffed her full of apple crumble and hot chocolate, and had made her up a bed in the guest room, where she'd spent a sleepless night with Emma's snotty face pressed into her shoulder. The next day, Emma had paid for her dry cleaning, and Regina had invited her in for dinner until it became a kind of routine for them.
Now, she all but lives at Miffin Street. She doesn't officially live there of course, because that would be weird- almost like they were in a relationship, which they definitely weren't- but even though she's still paying the rent on her apartment, it's Regina's mansion she considers home. The guest bedroom is her bedroom in all but name. She's not sure when the best part of her day had become listening to Regina screech at her for trekking muck into the kitchen, but against all odds, it had.
She finally arrives at the mansion, and is greeted by the smell of homemade cooking wafting through the foyer. For once, she remembers to sling off her shoes, and runs into the kitchen, her stomach growling as it hits her that she hasn't eaten since this morning because goddamn Minecraft had single handedly closed the diner.
Regina's scrubbing at a plate over the sink, wearing a bright pink apron that reads 'Queen of the kitchen'. Her chocolate hair is scraped into a half hearted bun, but most of it has fallen out and she keeps pushing it out of her face with her spare hand. She looks awfully domestic, and suddenly Emma's grinning so hard that her cheeks hurt.
"Where have you been?" Regina demands, rounding on her with a murderous expression. "I called by the station after my meeting and you weren't there."
Uh- oh. In the excitement of Minecraft, she'd forgotten all about the blanket ban on entering the diner. Regina's lips are pursed and her hands are on her hips. Her expression tells Emma that she knows exactly where's she's been and is just daring her to even try and lie about it.
She's desperately wracking her brains for a plausible excuse when Henry bounds into the kitchen with an accusing expression.
"You've been to the diner, haven't you?"
Emma shoots him an outraged expression. Traitorous little shit. "I haven't. I wouldn't. I know how your mom feels about that." She turns to batt her eyelashes at Regina innocently, but the woman's lips remain firmly pursed.
Henry snorts. "Please. You'd sell my unborn soul to Gold for a bear claw if you were hungry enough." He takes his place at the table, and Emma's mouth waters as she watches him gnaw on a piece of garlic bread.
"Well, Miss Swan," Regina says primly, prodding her in the chest. "Have you anything to say in your defence?"
Emma weighs up her options, which in essence are either to lie or tell the truth. She settles on a mixture of the two. "I did go to the diner-"
Regina opens her mouth furiously, but Emma places a finger over Regina's mouth. Her lips are soft and smooth, and Emma realises it's the first time she's touched the brunette's lips.
Well, of course it is. Why would she ever have any reason to touch Regina's lips, unless they were-
Regina clears her throat, and a blush creeps up Emma's neck as she removes the finger.
"Uh, yeah. I went to the diner. But not to eat. Someone called up to report something fishy going off. Sounded like it could be a curse. Let me tell me tell you about it over dinner. I'm starving, and that smells amazing." She gazes beseechingly into Regina's eyes, and her tone of voice must have been the right amounts of truthful, apologetic and complimentary, because Regina gives a jerky nod and tells her to take a seat before she changes her mind.
The brunette starts to serve dinner- lasagne, of course- and Emma sticks her tongue out at Henry. He glances quickly at his mom to check she isn't looking, then makes a rude gesture back. For a moment, Emma half considers telling Regina that Henry had voted for Granny in the lasagna showdown (but the triple chocolate sundaes, Emma!), but reconsiders when she remembers that he was the one who caught her guiltily jamming the pieces of Regina's favourite vase into the trash can after she tripped over and sent it flying.
Moments later, dinner is on the table. Henry begins regaling them with his stories about school, many of late which seem to feature a girl called Melody, and Emma is shovelling in food fast enough to make the Guinness Book of World Records. Regina is forking her food primly, smiling fondly at Henry, and staring at Emma with an expression torn between disgust and endearment. In the end, endearment wins out, and she's looking at Emma with those curiously soft eyes and a smile that makes her insides quiver and her toes curl.
"So what was this curse, Emma?" Henry asks suddenly.
Emma's elbow slips off the table, and Regina's cheeks blush a pretty shade of pink. Henry looks between them both, rolling his eyes and muttering something that sounds suspiciously like 'pair of idiots'.
"Oh, well it turns out it wasn't a curse, unless you know a curse that makes people obsess over a game filled with cubes." And so Emma explains the incident in the diner, skipping over a few minor details, of course, such as the fact she'd gone in there desperately wanting a grilled cheese sandwich.
"Sheriffswan15?" Regina remarks, all arched eyebrows, when Emma has finished.
"I tell you that Gold and Mother Superior are suddenly best friends, and that Granny is sacrificing her business for a game, and that's what you take from it?"
Regina shrugs daintily, crunching on a piece of lettuce. "You couldn't have chosen something more creative?"
"It is a pretty boring name." Henry pipes up, and Emma is all but ready to put him up for adoption all over again.
Regina polishes off the last of her lasagne, and begins clearing the table, heading over to the counter to deposit the dishes. She glances back at Henry with a sly smirk. "They do say only intelligent people are creative." Henry bobs his head up and down in agreement.
"Then I guess you're pretty stupid," Emma shoots back, slowly wiping her mouth with a napkin. "considering your idea of a creative evil plot consisted of trapping fairytale characters in a fictional, sleepy town full of boring politicians."
As predicted, Regina's face falls into a familiar scowl, and she snaps at Henry to wipe the smile from his face and get to wiping the dishes instead. Emma tucks her chair under the table, and Regina stalks over to where she's standing, in complete, as Emma calls it, royal bitchiness mode now. Once again, she jabs Emma in the chest. "Like you'd be able to think of anything. You're so good even managed to mess up being the Dark One!"
Only Regina could use the word 'good' as an insult, Emma thinks. "I'd just torture them all in my dungeon, like a normal, well-adjusted villain."
Regina steps closer, scoffing. Emma can feel her breath ghosting across her face. "That is so unoriginal."
"But effective," Emma points out. "Snow White wouldn't still be around to destroy my happiness, because she'd already be dead."
"You have no finesse." Regina murmurs, her eyes sparkling with dark amusement. There are mere inches between them, and all Emma can think of is how soft Regina's skin had felt beneath her finger, and how infuriatingly pretty the other woman is, even with her hair static from the steam and wearing an expression that was all evil queen. They are staring at each other intently, and there's a hint of challenge in Regina's eyes, commanding that Emma rise to it. Before Emma even has the chance to consider what that challenge might be, Henry manages to force himself between them, and they're both jumping.
Emma glares at Henry, and Regina takes a step back and eyes the floor with an uncharacteristically nervous expression.
"So can I join your faction?"
Both women exchange oblivious glances, and Henry rolls his eyes, counting to ten underneath his breath before flashing them both his most winning, charming smile.
"On Minecraft? You'll get me an account, right Emma?"
"Um-" Emma says.
"We will both be getting accounts, Henry. If you think I'm leaving my family unprotected on a game where Rumpelstiltskin is skulking around killing people, then you can think again."
She sweeps out of the kitchen and down the corridor into her office. Emma and Henry have no option but to scuttle after her. She draws the blinds, and conjures three laptops with a casual wave of her hand, handing one to each of them.
"Storybrooke is my town, and 'The Enchanted Forest' will be my server. Henry!" She barks, and he jumps a little, then salutes her. "You will find out everything you can about this Minecraft. The ban on the diner is lifted. Do what you will to find out about Mr Gold's game plan. I'll arrange to have the diner bugged and for a tap to be placed on Gold's phone." She finishes, as though she's simply talking about the mundane apprehension of your everyday crook.
Henry lets out a whoop and fist punches the air. "Yes, ma'am!" He gets right to work, fingers flying furiously across the keyboard.
She turns to look at Emma then, an evil grin spreading across those delicious red lips.
"Well Miss Swan, what are you waiting for? Start chopping wood. We have a base to build."