Another Auld Lang Syne : A Toast to Innocence
By Shannon Kathleen
Summary: Joey and Pacey, who just turned 30, meet on Christmas Eve after ten years apart. Told from Pacey's POV.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne?
I sung along with Auld Lang Syne a little louder than I would have if anyone were listening as I pulled my car into one of the only open grocery stores in this Boston suburb.
The snow that the meteorologist on the evening news had been predicting for Christmas Eve began to fall as I ran inside the store. I wanted to open my arms and let the soft white flakes fall on me. It had been such a long time…living in Washington DC meant that I had escaped some of the harsh winter of my home state, Massachusetts. But I did miss these aspects of a Massachusetts winter. But I was 30 years old that year and was forcing myself to grow up finally.
Some people didn't see the adult in me yet. Tonight's trip to the store was a perfect example.
The request for more eggnog had been directed at me as the party raged on like I wouldn't be missed at all, which was the reason for my late night shopping trip. I was the youngest and wasn't going to escape that role yet. In the first year that I had made a pact not to have to shop on Christmas Eve, I was recruited for the emergency eggnog trip.
I smiled tightly at the man ringing the bell in front of the store. Why did they make him work this late on Christmas Eve, and why did he have to ring that bell constantly? It must be a liability for the Salvation Army – doctors finding numerous cases of deafness for bell ringers. But this bell ringer just smiled as if ringing the bell gave him great joy.
Pulling off my gloves, I hurried into the warmth of the empty store hoping to rush back for the eggnog and maybe a little beer and get back to the family festivities.
What made me choose to run back to the front from the dairy section down that specific freezer aisle is still a mystery that only the fates could solve for me.
She was standing with her back to me as I rushed past her. The dark glossy hair fell out of her cap. Hair like that always reminded me of someone from my past. The woman just stood studying a large selection of frozen pumpkin pies as if the decision was an important one. Decisions… I turned around slowly, needing a second glance at her. Could it be?
I hadn't thought about her in years.
Josephine Potter.
I smiled to see her tuck her hair behind her ear and reached out for the special pumpkin pie that won her over finally.
Out of the corner of her eye, I think she saw me turn around to study her, and she tensed. She probably expected I was someone looking for company on Christmas Eve. Instead, I was a lover from her past.
She pretended not to see me walk toward her, and she jumped when I touched the sleeve of her coat.
I tried to act like the person I was 10 years ago, so she would recognize me through the long trench coat I wore over my suit and tie.
Still holding the beer and eggnog, I stretched out my arms when she turned around. Did she see the old me at all? The recognition wasn't there in her eyes.
I raise my eyebrows and smiled, and with that little gesture, I could see the recognition flow into her widened eyes. A smile spread from her lips to her surprised eyes.
"Pace?"
She reached out to hug me as the pumpkin pie she had chosen flew out of her hand. As we embraced, we turned to see the pumpkin pie escape from the box and skid down the aisle.
I looked down at her, and she looked back up at me. We both laughed until tears brimmed in both our eyes.
We pulled back as the moment passed us by in the typical fashion of all good moments. It gave her time to look me up and down, and for me to do the same to her.
If one would think that Joey Potter could never age. They would be wrong. She had aged. A woman far more beautiful than the girl she once was stood before me. Her eyes held more experience and knowledge than the last time that I had looked into them. I wondered what they had seen and learned through the years. She kept her hair long and free, which suited her. She was dressed casually. She wasn't ever into frills, which I hoped would never change about her.
Did she see the same boy in me? I hoped.
We walked up to purchase our last minute Christmas necessities. The conversation dragged as we stood in line for the cashier.
"You in a hurry?" Joey finally asked as we walked back out into the night air.
"How about a drink or two?" I suggested and was surprised to see her nod her head and grin.
I noticed Joey glance down at my ring finger. She seemed upset with what she saw. I tucked my left hand into my pocket, and she did the same before I could find out if her last name was still Potter.
Another Auld Lang Syne : A Toast to Innocence Part 2
I was just 17 when I fell in love with Joey Potter, and I guess I always figured that I would be a part of her life forever. But I haven't been there the last ten years. I can't really pin the blame on either of us for that. Mostly because we are both to blame for letting the years go by.
I look over at her and she smiles up at me as we walk silently from the store into the lightly falling snow.
I couldn't help thinking that I was that pumpkin pie that was probably still lying there on the cold floor. Joey had picked me out so carefully from the rest of the pumpkin pies in the freezer. I was the "chosen" pie, but regardless, I slipped from her hands. I think that she'd tell you that she never meant to drop me because in reality, I jumped. But at least, I'm not still in the freezer with the others Joey didn't end up picking. I'm not going to single out any certain "frozen pumpkin pie" pal of mine though.
"Well, you look dapper in your old age, Pacey," I hear Joey laugh before she finished her thought.
I nodded as I pull at the lapels of the dress coat proudly. I only dressed this way because I drove into Massachusetts straight from work.
"And the years have been kind to you too, Pot…Joey," I stumble over her last name. I didn't want to assume anything since her hands were now covered with her gloves.
I pointed toward my car and opened the door for her. Unlike the other women I had seen since Joey, she didn't even bat an eye at my new Jeep. She probably would have preferred the Wittermobile, the old Wagoneer I use to drive in high school.
Now that I think about it, where was that old car?
Despite the smiles that we flash each other as we got into my car, it was strangely awkward to hear the silence between us. At one point in my life, I was the most intimate with this woman that I have ever been with anyone.
"So, what have you been doing with yourself?" I instigated the polite conversation, but was dying to know the answer. "What are you doing in this dumpy old town?"
She shook her head in the usual Joey-modesty fashion. "Oh, life is the same as the last time you saw me."
"The same, huh? So, you're still in college?" I glanced over at her and smirked. "Joey, don't you think you need to either graduate or quit already? But then again, I've met some of those students on the 12-year degree plan."
Joey looked over at me and pressed her lips together as she tried hard not to smile.
"Ah, there they go…the eyes," I pointed at her as she rolled her eyes. "Haven't learned how to control that yet, have you, Jo?"
"OK, that's enough of the Let's-Make-Fun-of-Joey game."
I turned to start the car and smiled to myself. I knew that she had successfully avoided my question. Suddenly Joey opened the car door. Was I going to lose her again?
"It's snowing. It's Christmas Eve. Let's enjoy it."
"What do you mean?" I looked over at her. One of her legs already hung out the door.
"How about a little outdoor café across the street?" Joey laughed as she reached for the grocery bag. "I've heard they serve, uh…eggnog, beer and frozen pumpkin pie."
Laughing, I found myself following her as she jumped from the car and ran across the empty street toward a covered gazebo in the small park. Thankfully, the night air was still, making the chill bearable.
She stood in the middle of the circular covered area lined with twinkling Christmas lights as she waited for me to catch up with her. My mind pushed out any thought for the people who had needed eggnog so badly earlier. They'd probably forgotten about both me and the eggnog. But what about Joey, why would she suddenly want to spend Christmas Eve with me?
As I watched Joey pop the top off the can of beer with her gloved fingers and offer it to me, it finally occurred to me what was different about this Joey.
"You have blue eyes!"
Joey looked down as if she was ashamed to look in my eyes all of a sudden.
"Contacts. I finally went blind…old age…you know."
"You know, I always liked them brown."
Joey shrugged the same way, tucking her head into her shoulder as if the years hadn't passed. Had someone else picked that color for her?
"No, as someone in her late twenties, it's just a little unnerving to see someone you haven't seen since a few days before your twentieth birthday."
Had it really been ten years? It suddenly hit me.
"Oh, yeah…you haven't turned 30 yet, have you? I guess I owe you a few birthday cards."
"Nope…29 ½." Joey teased as she raised her beer can in the air to toast me. "To Pacey's 20s. I hope they were good years."
She continued talking as I touched her lightly with my elbow as I met her toast.
"You know, I saw you a few years ago. You were giving a speech at the marina in Cambridge to the people there about why they should vote a 27-year-old into Congress."
"Well, you know the outcome, right? I lost."
"But you were good." She gave me an approving lopsided smile.
"Well, thank you," I nodded at her. "Someday, I'll win, but in the meantime, I get to learn the dirty work in elections. Did you hear about Congressman Russell's embezzlement charge? I dredged that one up last election."
Joey and I sat under the shelter as I told her what had happened in my life the past decade and my current work as a campaign manager for a North Carolina senator in Washington DC.
Things hadn't always been this good for me. When I left her in Boston, I put myself through school, and wooed my way into politics on my own.
I knew she had probably come to terms with why I left long ago. It was mainly because I didn't ever want to see that indecision in her eyes again. I wanted someone to look at me with complete devotion and not a single doubt. She could never do that. It was as if I had somehow won her heart by default. I tried for years to love her with those doubts. But I wasn't that strong.
By the end of our sophomore year in college, I could see in her eyes that she still wondered if she had made the right decision about us. Dawson was never the issue. It was always her indecision. To top it off, she was even having trouble in school and couldn't decide what she wanted to study. I always wondered if that was my fault at all. Even though I would still love here, I wanted her to be the Joey she had been before – the Joey I fell for. So, I had to decide for her. I left for North Carolina to finish my degree.
I'm not saying that I didn't lie awake at night and want things to have been different for years after I left, even after I met others. But I've had many years to heal.
"You live in this town, don't you?" I asked her, hoping it would open the floodgates of Joey information. But she just shook her head, and silence took the floor. What the hell was she doing here in this Boston suburb where Doug was Chief of Police?
It took two beers for Joey to ask me the question that had taken me years to answer.
"What ever happened to us?"
I thought about telling her exactly what had happened. But changed my answer.
"Joey, it was just that little crack habit of yours."
She laughed. Oh, what a nice sound that was. I was always good at making her laugh. But I could tell that she was wearing a Joey-circa-2000 mask. She was hiding something.
I think we both felt the years slip away the more time we spent together that night. It was Christmas Eve. I was 30 years old, but there wasn't anything I wanted more right now than to bring back the girl I had been madly in love with as a boy.
I pulled out my Pacey-circa-2000 mask and grabbed her hand to drag her out from undercover and into the snow. We ran together toward the playground equipment. Without any warning, I stooped down and picked up the most snow I could in my gloved fist.
She turned around just as I let it fly and screamed as the snowball hit her in the chest. She looked at me with shock in her eyes, and I realized with horror that I had just smacked 29-year-old Joey in the chest with a snowball and not the 17-year-old.
"Oh, Joey, I'm sorry. I don't know what…"
Before I could finish, a snowball hit me in the forehead. It didn't take me long to get over my shock and shoot back, but she turned and shielded herself with her back. That night in the small park in Pembroke, Massachusetts, it was just Pacey and Joey again. The years had not passed in our lives. We were just children, torturing each other again. I should have known that I couldn't ever stop loving her. We were fighting against the emptiness we had felt earlier and winning. There had to have been some reason for us to meet again after so many years.
Joey scrambled toward the slide to get away from my constant pelting. I always beat her at these games. She turned around and held up her hands to shield herself. As I let go of the last snowball, I reached out to grab them. She pulled away as I kept a firm grip on her gloves. Off they slipped as Joey fell backwards in the snow. She was busy laughing to notice that her hands were bare. I reached out to help her up, and it was when she reached out for my hand that I noticed the large pear-shaped diamond on her left finger.
She stopped laughing when she realized that my ringless left hand held her ringed one.
In the usual "Joey" fashion, she dropped the bomb on me with a twinge of sorrow in her voice.
"Pacey…I'm getting married…on New Year's Eve."
Another Auld Lang Syne Conclusion
Massachusetts
New Year's Eve 2012
I didn't realize how funny I must have looked on the sidewalk of this Massachusetts town in a tuxedo. It was New Year's Eve, so being in a tuxedo really wasn't the strange part. It was strange that I was having a serious argument with myself in public.
Go to Joey's wedding. She's an old friend.
Are you crazy? You can't go to the wedding of what possibly might be the love of your life.
Somehow after backtracking several times, my legs carried me to the large Methodist church, where I understand Joey's fiancé had been a member since he was a child. She'd told me all about him. He was the man she had been waiting for. As a member of the faculty at the same small New England college where Joey taught art, Joseph King had been asking her to marry him for years, she had told him. And yes, if you picked up on that horrible little detail, his name was Joseph. I'm about to gag. Joseph and Josephine King…or whatever. Joey and Joey, that's so wrong! Oh, yeah, and don't forget about little Joey Jr. who's destined to come along one day.
I walked through the doors of the church, searching for a familiar face.
Would Dawson have been invited? Well, Bessie should be here, of course. But I saw no one from Capeside, just a mass of strangers in black tie belonging to Joey's new life. I was just the past.
I froze when I heard Joey's name said by unfamiliar voices.
I turned to see what I assumed was the wedding party gathered in the foyer. I zoned in on Joseph right away. I could just tell it was him. He looked like he was in his mid-thirties. He was shorter than I was, but hey, we can't expect superior physic from everybody. I was surprised at how strong he looked though. He wore small frames and a neatly trimmed goatee. So, he still looked just like a professor.
Before a word is spoken, I declared war on him. He was my mortal enemy now.
I walked closer to hear Joseph's voice. I only heard bits and pieces of the conversation.
"I've already built her a little cottage in the backyard for her studio. I think she'll love it"
"No, she has no idea."
"Ah, no, we're in no rush for children yet."
"Yeah, it's sad. Her father died about four years ago, and her mother's been dead since she was about 12, I think."
I could tell that this is the perfect man. Not even "Golden Boy" could compete with this guy; I laughed to myself to help alleviate the pain.
He might be perfect, but was he perfect for her? I had to find her. I needed to hear her tell me that this was what she really wanted.
"Where's the bride's room," I asked a woman that seemed like the wedding coordinator.
She pointed toward one of the side rooms, and I swallowed hard as I neared the doors Joey probably stood behind wearing a wedding dress.
I knocked meekly. Was I really doing this?
Bessie answered, and her mouth fell open when she saw me standing before her.
"Hi, Bessie, can I speak to Joey?"
If Bessie hadn't been so shocked to see my face, she might have argued my request. Instead, she opened the door and moved aside to let me walk in.
My eyes caught the sight of Joey staring at herself in the full-length mirror on the wall opposite me. She met my eyes in the reflection in the mirror, and didn't turn around.
She was a vision. In the back of my mind, I had always imagined that this was the sight I would someday get to see from the other end of the church, standing at the alter. But the vision in front of me far exceeded any of my fantasies. How was that impossible?
I didn't know very much about dresses, but I knew when it hugged her in the right spots. This one seemed to have become a part of her skin on the top and as soon as it met her waist, the dress flowed outward in a flood of some kind of gauzy material.
I finally pried my eyes from her to notice that Bessie had evacuated the room.
"I'm glad you could come," Joey said and I brought my eyes back to meet hers in the mirror.
"I needed to come. This is a day that's going to change my life forever."
"Pacey, why? The day that changed your life forever happened ten years ago. We said goodbye to each other and both have new lives now."
"I was wrong, Joey."
I told myself that I really had to shut up. I couldn't tell this woman that I had suddenly fallen for her again on her wedding day.
"Pacey, please just be my friend. I don't want this to ruin what might be a new start for our friendship."
I grabbed my forehead in frustration. I was fighting the lump in my throat and the way my eyes were burning from not blinking. If I blinked, well, let's just say that it might have gotten embarrassing.
Even with the desperation I felt for her, I realized sadly that jump-starting our friendship was probably the best deal I could get at this point.
"What have I done?" I asked myself aloud and shaking my head in regret.
"Pacey, what you feel now - it's just a voice from your past telling you that you love me. I know because that same voice is telling me that I love you."
I look into her blue eyes. It seemed like I was looking at a stranger, and I turn away.
"But it's just the memories coming back."
She's doing all the talking now. I've stopped because I know that an 'I love you' would slip out if I opened my mouth.
"Pacey, 'we' were a wonderful thing about my youth that I will remember forever. But this is a decision I am making as an adult. I'm getting married to him."
I look up, surprised by the determination in her voice.
I saw it in her new blue eyes. Joey had made a decision. Not only was she going to stick to it, she had no doubts at all. How can I fight what I had longed to see in Joey for years – certainty in herself.
Bessie entered again and broke the locked gaze we shared. "Joey, the last song is playing. Are you ready?"
I could hear the organ playing "Auld Lang Syne" in the sanctuary. As that tune played in the background, I made a few decisions.
Now that I'd discovered what had been missing for the last ten years of my life, I swore I would never let this woman become a forgotten acquaintance again. And I had to prove to her how important that was to me now.
Joey started to walk past me as Bessie held the door open for her.
"Joey," I called as I held out my arm. "Please…do me the honor."
The gasp from Bessie broke Joey free from her frozen state. She stood there for two seconds, which seemed like an eternity as I offered my arm to her. I hadn't felt this vulnerable in years.
My heart had never jumped in my chest so high as it did the moment when Joey reached over and took my arm.
With only a few hours left in the old year, I did something that would change the years ahead. I was going to give Joey away to another man.
Together for the last time, we walked down the aisle as the Wedding March played. I slowed her when she wanted to walk too fast and steadied her hand as it shook nervously. She had not changed. She was the same Joey even in this wedding dress.
She had been planning on walking down the aisle alone that night, so I could hear the whispers traveling around the church. Who was this man? I wanted to shout out the answer. I'm her true love.
I looked over at Joey, who just stared straight ahead at her future. She was in love with him. I could tell. This love might never hold the passion that we had for each other, but it was real.
When we finally reached the alter, Joey looked over at me with more love than I'd seen in years, but it was a different love now. I'm afraid my heart still ached with the same love for her.
We stood together waiting for the minister to ask the question that I was finally prepared to answer.
"Who gives this woman away?"
I feel the grip she had on my arm slip away as I speak.
"I do."