Wrong
Is it wrong to want to feel good? Is it wrong to like the attention he gave me? Is it wrong to go along with it? I just wanted to feel like I was good enough…maybe more than good enough and he made me feel like that. I don't see what's so wrong with that.
Ok as much as I love HALEB, I need a little break from that and this has been on my mind for awhile. It's just a little one-shot on Hanna's justification for what she did to Lucas and her feelings for him. This may come off as cold or bitchy but I don't think it is as bad as some people may think (probably because I've been in the same situation). Read it if you want, I know it's not the HALEB story y'all were expecting but it's an explanation I feel was needed. Sorry if it's kinda skippy or hard to follow. Enough of my pointless ranting, enjoy this little thing.
Emily's words hurt. I know she was drunk and didn't really mean it. But it got me thinking. Am I really as bad as Alison? I didn't hurt him that bad did I? Was what I did really that terrible? I didn't think it was so wrong.
First of all, what I did…anyone and everyone else would do. I'm not a bitch. Everyone does it. I've seen other girls do it too. I've even seen guys do it. It's not just me. I know. I know. If everyone was jumping off a bridge…blah blah blah. Bad Hanna. But I honestly don't know what was so wrong.
So it wasn't the nicest thing to do…but still it's not some cold-hearted bitch move. I know he liked me and technically I was leading him on. I didn't really mean to but…I liked the attention. I just wanted-no needed; I most definitely needed someone to show me I was worth it.
Sean made me feel like I was just there. His pet, his toy. To him, I was just some life-sized doll, accessory to any outfit. Sean loved me I guess, for as much as the word 'love' means in high school. But he never treated me like it. He never acted like I meant anything to him. To him I was just the sideline cliché. Mr. and Mrs. Perfect. When we dated, we were just playing the part of a couple but in reality we were never more than friends…if it was even enough to be considered friendship…more like mutual business agreement. Lucas probably knew more about me than Sean did. Lucas, he made me feel beautiful and like someone gave a damn. He could tell when I was upset and he made me laugh. And he gave me the attention I needed so badly.
So what. Maybe I led him on a little. But I didn't mean to. I just like having someone tell me I'm beautiful. I like when others tell me I'm perfect the way I am. I sure as hell never see myself the way they do. Their words are such a nice change from the words that swim around my head constantly. So I need hear something good about myself every once in awhile, who doesn't? Sean didn't understand that. He just assumed everything was perfect and I was just that perfect girl everyone who didn't know me saw. But Lucas knew better, he barely knew me and he already knew me better than Sean. He knew I wasn't perfect and he could see through the act better than anyone. He understood me. And it was so damn nice to actually have someone make an effort to make me feel beautiful for a change, that I didn't mind flirting back a little tiny bit (it wasn't really flirting as much as it was sweet looks and caring touches). I liked having someone who I could be real and carefree with so I wasn't going to lose that.
Looking back I guess I should've seen what I was doing to him. I didn't mean to. I honestly didn't. How was I supposed to know it meant so much more to him? I should've seen it on his face when we were alone or noticed how the tone of his voice changed when I was with Sean. Both those things should've-would've given his feelings away and given me enough of a hint to stop-I like to think I would've stopped. I should've seen that I was crossing the line long before I crossed it. I don't regret much of how I treated him; my only regret is breaking his heart.
Towards the end, I saw it coming but it was too late. I was addicted and I couldn't stop. After the party disaster, it hit me that he had fallen for me. So I did what I could to stop. I stayed far away. I was so proud of myself for that.
Then we got to the Dance-A-Thon and my pride went out the door. A offered me money…it would've kept my mom out of jail and I was afraid of her. I didn't have much of a choice. But I fell for A's trick for a reason other than the money. I told myself it was only for the money and only to help my mom but that wasn't the truth. I was suffering from withdrawal. I needed to feel pretty again even for the three minutes and some odd seconds of the song while we danced. But then we kept dancing song after song. And with each song I grew needier.
If I hadn't been with Sean it wouldn't have different…but then again…maybe not. I want to think it would've been different but let's face it; I still probably wouldn't have been interested in Lucas like the way he wanted me to. God that makes me sound awful. I was barely with Sean so it shouldn't have mattered. We were pretty much just picture perfect but once we got past the stills we were falling apart. Lucas saw that disaster one on one. After all, he was the one who held me as I cried over my break up with Sean. And it probably gave him hope that the break up had been because I was dancing with him all night.
Don't get me wrong, Sean was good…but sometimes good just isn't good enough. Lucas…Lucas treated me like a queen. Not like the homecoming queen of Rosewood in Barbie doll form. He treated me like I deserved to be treated. Maybe I don't deserve to be treated like that anymore now that I've treated him so badly.
But he doesn't deserve me. He deserves way better. He needs someone who isn't as screwed up as I am. He needs someone who isn't going to just see him as a confidence pick me up. He needs someone who's there for him like he was for me.
So no, what I did was not bitchy. It was not cold hearted or cruel. I just wanted to feel loved God damn it. Is that so wrong?