Hey…!!! This fic is dedicated to my friend Juno, who passed away five months ago. This fic really means a lot to me and I hope you enjoy it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing…
A/N: Sid never looked for Cassie in New York and she went back to Bristol two months after Adam left her. Also, the scene of Chris dying is different because here in Panama the first season is the one on air, so I have not seen this episode on TV yet.
Cassie Ainsworth sat in the desk of her room at 11:45 p.m., tucking a black inked pen and a sheet of paper over the desk. She sighed deeply trying to calm herself down from the shaking feeling that her pills always brought to her body. She smiled lightly as she heard her little brother's soft snoring from his crib, but it quickly turned into a frown when she heard the incessant moaning and screaming from her parents' bedroom. She shook her head and tried to focus on the sheet of paper in front of her.
Nah nah, nah nah nah, nah nah
I miss you, miss you so bad
Dear Chris:
I miss you a lot, that's all I can think about. I know it is totally ridiculous for me to do this every month, I mean, it's been almost a year since it all happened. But I just can't help it; like I said before, I miss you. That's the reason why I put letters beside your grave every month; I know that you, in some way, will receive them. I always wonder where the letters are going to end up on; maybe the gravedigger will find them and throw them to the trash, maybe someone will take them or the rain will mess them up. The last few times I wrote you a letter, they ended up in my mail box. Some lovely person that knows me wants me to keep them. Sometimes I fantasize about that person being you, or your ghost, or whatever, but you. I had to come back to Bristol; living in New York was just too painful. I told you about my friend Adam, but just so you know, the fact that he left me doesn't bother me anymore; people always leave.
Anyways, I hope my letters and visits are not disturbing your peaceful rest, 'cause I know that where you are there is no pain, no sorrow. I guess that's why I tried to get there; I was suffering quite greatly here in the Earth.
Everything is going just fine here, we all have our problems, but we have learned to grow stronger with the problems. I remember that in the first letter I wrote to you, I told you how much Jal was suffering, but Michelle has been the best and eventually it will all heal. Since you got diagnosed, I know that was all you wanted; you wanted Jal to be fine. And she is now, thanks to your beautiful memory.
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The memory of that awful day, it's still deep inside me. That's the worst part of writing to you, all the memories, come back. I really hope you can hear me, in some way I know you do. Staying this late at night, alone in my room, just writing this for someone who meant a lot to me, is like my own heaven. It's so sad you can't advise me anymore; even thought you had a lot of problems, you were wise and a good adviser. Today I had a break down with my pills and I ended up in that Clinique again. I guess it's better than the mental hospital where I had to stay when I attempted suicide. If I have another break down, I'll have to stay there for another six months.
You know, Chris, you were really supportive, and now that I don't have you, returning to the Clinique is going to be my death. I refuse to stay in that place any longer.
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found out I wouldn't be the same
Oh, nah nah, nah nah nah nah nah
Flashback.
Cassie went to visit Chris some night, almost two weeks after the fatal diagnose. She just went there to support her best friend. Looking for something to eat, she roamed the entire kitchen in hopes of finding something to make a good dinner. When she found nothing, she decided to ask Chris, who was asleep in his bed for almost 3 hours, then.
"Chris, do you have something in your kitchen so I can make you some decent dinner?" She asked in an almost amused tone of voice as she reached the doorway to Chris' room. When she got close enough, she recognized panting and light gasping coming from inside, so she opened the door. As the door burst open, she saw Chris in fetal position in his bed, facing the opposite wall.
"Chris? What's wrong?" She asked from the doorway.
"Cass… help me." He said barely a whisper. The blonde girl stepped back and rested her back against the wall, frantically dialing numbers from known people. Michelle, Tony, Sid, Anwar, Maxxie, Jal… Jal. After trying over and over, she got even more desperate.
"Please pick the phone up!" She whisper/yelled to the phone, but as she heard Chris's gasping become light moans and his breathing get shallow, she came back by his side. She went to Chris's bed and saw that next to his face, there was vomit all over that side of the bed. But when she cradled Chris's head in her hands, she saw as blood poured down his nose. She knew in that moment that she would never forget the look in Chris's eyes or how horrible it is to see someone take their last breath.
End of Flashback.
Oi, I'm crying again. I knew this would happen; it happens every time. I wonder if you still feel like talking to me or listen to me. You died in my arms, and that has changed me enough to think that you were an angel. I even went to America trying to get rid of that haunted memory of yours. I think I've changed enough to recognize that this is not a way of living; this is a way to die.
I didn't get around to kiss you
Good-bye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
I honestly think that the worst part of it all is not saying good-bye. I would do anything to show you how much I want you to be by my side again, because I'm living hell right now. What is Heaven like, Chris? Is it as perfect as they say in Church? I know you won't answer me, but understand me, I had to try. You know, Chris, I'm now living in a place where I pray to get away. Here at home is even worse than the Clinique.
Oh wow, I must be going loony. You know what I did two days ago? I smoked pot trying to know what it would feel like. You smoked a lot of pot, and I can see why; it is like flying inside your own body. I know I shouldn't have done that, but I still don't regret it. In one of my hallucinations, I saw you.
The Day you slipped away
Was the day I found that I won't be the same
Oh, oh
I had my wake up
won't you wake up
I keep asking why
and I can't take it
it wasn't fake
it happened, you passed by
I think the hardest part of the fact that you are death is that you're in place unreachable for humans, so that means I can't see you, I can't talk to you, I can't laugh of your jokes, I can't hug you… anything. The pictures are the only ones that help me keep you in my memory and I hope they won't get burned like everything else.
Like I said before, everything here in Bristol is just fine. Tony hasn't had it easy, thought. He has had a lot of mental trouble after the accident. If I'm not wrong, Maxxie has moved to London and Anwar is soon-to-follow. Effy has become the new meneater in the school, and believe me, she is a lot more like Tony. Michelle is living with her half-sister or something like that and Sid… It's been a rig of time since I last talked to Sid… Sorry about that, you probably don't want to hear about my love problems.
Oh wow, I think I'm probably writing you too much, maybe you're still lazy and don't want to read something as long as this letter. But it's so unfair, I only had you and now that you're gone I'm all alone in a place where sooner than it seems everything will change again. I keep asking why.
But it happened. There is no way to denying it. No forgetting. I can't keep living in a memory, I have to move forward and don't give up, and all of this, on my own.
Now you're gone, now you're gone
there you go, there you go
somewhere I can't bring you back
now your gone, now you're gone
there you go, there you go,
somewhere you're not coming back
I would seriously do anything to bring you back, because no matter how much I try, I still need you and I won't take this anymore. When it was a fact that you were gone, there were a lot of things running through my mind; Why Chris? Was I capable of saving him? Did I do something wrong? Is there something I didn't do? Is this my fault? But all of them remained unanswered by the guilt and self-consciousness of the whole situation. There was anyone who could understand me, tell me everything was going to be okay, reassure me that I did the right thing and none of this was my fault… There seriously was not. I know that Sid tried, but he wasn't good at comforting when all he really needed was to be comforted too.
Also, if you can still feel from where you are, I don't want you to feel any guilt because of my situation or just the fact that I'm writing letters to a death guy every once in a month; 'cause it's solely my decision, no one else's. I was pushed to do this because this is the only solution to my angst and desperation here in Earth. I never hesitated on writing to you, not any single minute I've sat in this desk to write the thoughts out of my mind. I think I'll just learn to live with the fact that you're not coming back… Even if it takes my whole lifetime…
The day you slipped away
was the day I found it won't be the same noo..
The say you slipped away
was the day that I found it won't be the same oooh...
Nah nah, nah nah nah, nah nah
I miss you
You know I'm not good at saying good bye, but I just want to tell you that I really loved you and you were my best friend, and I miss you much.
P.D.: Tell God I say hi.
With love,
Cassie Ainsworth.
I apologize for any mistake you have might found. Please review and first of all, thanks for reading =).