Chapter 1

The Taming of Slalom

The Minty Mountains rose up from the pass of Cataracts. An eagle flew between. A small cry was heard, "You cannot pass!" Another voice was heard slightly, "Spandalf!There was a monstrous roar followed by the first voice again. "I am the 'servant of the Secret Fire', 'wielder of the Flame of Anor'…""What?" a voice whispered."This dark fire will not avail you…"

"Flame of Udûn!" Spandalf yelled, standing on the bridge of Cuzi'mdumb, staring down the EggrollThe Eggroll roared, spewing a nasty burnt peanut smell into the air. He took a step onto the bridge. Spandalf clenched his teeth, "Go home!"The Eggroll took another step.Spandalf drove his stick into the bridge as he yelled, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"The Eggroll took out a big, big sword and long flaming bungee cord and took another step, but the bridge broke under him, causing him to fall to his falling death. "Yeah, that's right!" Spandalf yelled at the Eggroll as it fell.The bungee cord flew back up and grabbed Spandalf by the leg."Uh-oh." Spandalf said as it pulled him down. He caught himself by his fingertips on a rock."SPANDALF!" Lardo yelled and tried to run out and grab him.Peppercorn stopped him. "No, let's watch.""You're sick! You know that?" Lardo yelled at Peppercorn.Lardo turned back to Spandalf. Spandalf opened his mouth and said two words, "HELP ME!"Lardo tried to fight Peppercorn's grip, but failed.Spandalf looked at them again and blew hair out of his face, "Fine, then! Fly, idiots!""Can do." Hal's voice resounded from the caves.

Lardo sat upright, awoken from a horrible dream. "Hal!" he was sweating profusely. "…And Spandalf!" he added after a short thought."What the crap's the matter, Mister Lardo?" Spam, Lardo's friend and longtime 'gardener' called from a stones throw away."Don't call me mister!" Lardo yelled. "It was just another dream!"

Spam and Lardo were sitting in a rocky crag. "What's to eat, Spam?""No, not tonight," Lardo replied.There was a short time for the reader to catch up."What food do we have left?" Lardo asked."Lemme see." Spam opened Lardo's pack because he couldn't reach it on his own and he wore it on both arms so he looked weird and was pretty much incompitent. "Oh, lovely. Wonder bread. And look!" Spam pulled out a few loaves of Wonder bread from the Elves in Gothlorien, "MORE Wonder bread."Lardo sighed. "Oh, if only Saladriel would have given us a toaster." Spam patted Lardo on the shoulder. "It's ok. I mean, it's not that bad."Lardo looked at Spam. "That's the shoulder I got stabbed in."Spam quickly drew his hand away.

Spam and Lardo walked along for a while. Spam perked up his nose. "Oh man! Do you smell that?!"Lardo looked down at his feet, sheepishly."I'll warrant there's a nasty bog nearby."Lardo looked up quickly, pale faced. "Yep!" he said quickly. "Nasty bog! That's what it is! A nasty bog!"Spam looked around cautiously.Lardo turned to him and gave him a knowing look. "We're not alone…" he said menacingly.Spam reached into his pouch. "Should I use my rope?"

An icky creature crawled along the tops of crags above where the Blobbits were sleeping for the night. "Those fat jerks!" he said in his icky voice. "They robbed us! We hate them! They took from us what was ours! We hate them!" The icky creature crawled down and reached towards the Doughnut in Lardo's pants. "We oughta sue their stinking little-"Spam sat upright and grabbed the icky creature by an arm.Lardo sat up and grabbed the other arm and the two mean Blobbits threw the guy who they had no idea why he was there to the ground. Lardo took it a step further as he took out his sword and slammed the icky creature up to a stone wall, holding his sword to his throat. "This is Sting!" Lardo said, nodded towards the sword in his hand."That's a dumb name." the icky creature said. Lardo wavered the sword in his grip. "You've seen it before, haven't you –Slalom?"Slalom cringed and made an icky noise. "Stop freakin' us out, ok?"

Sun baked the stones of the pass that the now three travelers were taking. "AH!!!!" shouted Slalom. "THE SUN HURTS SO MUCH! WE HAVE VERY SENSITIVE SKIN! COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST HAVE STOPPED TO BUY SOME SUNSCREEN?!""Shut up, you!" Spam said, hoisting a noose he had made with his elven rope in the air. The other end was tied around Slalom's neck, for 'other purposes' Spam had said. Slalom looked at his beat red skin, burnt by the sun. He slapped it hard. "AHHH!!!""It's hopeless!" Spam shouted. "He's annoying and dumb! Let's just hang him up and leave him. And my rope!""No!" Slalom shouted. "We'll shut up! We will! Slalom! Slalom!"Spam and Lardo looked weirdly at Slalom, "What the heck was that?!""What was what, Num nums? Slalom! Slalom!""That!" Spam yelled. "You just coughed and said your name, as if you were trying to say it under your breath but failed terribly.""Oh, that. Slalom! Slalom! It's sort of a long story. I sometimes I forget I do it."They looked at him weird again and Spam yanked the rope cuz he's mean. Slalom fell over because the rope was tied to his neck."What the heck?! That hurt! Slalom! Take it off us, and we'll be nice! We swear!""Yeah, ok." Lardo said as he went over to Slalom to take off the rope. When he was a foot away Spam yanked the rope again and pulled Slalom out of Lardo's reach. "Hey!""I don't thin we should trust him, Lardo." Spam said in defense."Well, tough. I'm the Ring-Bearer, so you gotta do what I want.""Don't you mean Doughnut bearer?""Right, what did I say?" But Lardo didn't wait around for an answer and he looked into Slalom's eyes. "You know the way to That land of tastebudless people?""Meh, we've been there three four times." Slalom said, ickily. Lardo took the rope off from around his neck. "You will lead us to the Black Guy.""The Black Guy?" Slalom asked."Yeah. The Black Guy is the gate keeper. He's cool!"Slalom nodded and ran off faster than Lardo and Spam could keep up. Spam punched Lardo in the back. "See? Told you!"