A/N: The Latin in the title means "Life without feeling" or "Life without meaning."

Thanks to Broadwayfreak for being a great beta.

I'm not sure if a second chapter would be good or not. Let me know what you think.

Elizabeth felt numb.

Completely without feeling.

She was waiting for something, but she didn't know what.

It had to be Henry. He had been gone for too long now. He was on his way home, though. She should feel better now.

But she didn't. She wasn't even sure she wanted to see him.

She wanted to see him. Of course she wanted to see him. But did she want to spend any time with him after that?

Elizabeth was tired. She was so tired. Her job took so much energy. Her life took so much energy.

And right now she didn't have that energy. The hope that normally burned inside her was tired.

She sat in the window seat in their bedroom. Henry would be coming home soon. He would be walking in the door. She should go meet him, but she couldn't bring herself to get up and walk downstairs. All she could do was stare out the window. She didn't feel like she belonged in their bedroom. Earlier, she had tried sitting on their bed, curling up in the comforting memories of Henry. It hadn't worked. She didn't belong in their bed. Their bed wasn't the pillar of fortitude it had once been.

Henry walked in the front door. "Anybody home?" He called out to the empty space.

He could hear the kids running downstairs. He was surprised his wife hadn't been downstairs to meet him.

"Dad!" Stevie hit him first. The force of her hug knocked him back a couple steps.

A smile crossed his face. She was so much like Elizabeth – all earnest passion. He held her tight to him and kissed her hair. "Good to see you. You hold down the fort while I was gone?"

Stevie moved back so she could look him in the eye. She nodded sincerely. It made her feel useful to help take care of Alison and Jason when her parents were busy. A couple years ago, she had thought spending time with her siblings undermined her independence. She had changed her mind since then.

Noticing Ali had joined them, Henry turned to greet his younger daughter. "Hey, Noodle. You miss me?"

That had been the wrong thing to say. She started crying immediately. Henry sat down with her on the sofa. He rubbed her back in circles, trying to coax it out of her. Not that he knew what "it" was.

After a minute, Ali was able to speak through the tears still seeping down her cheeks. "Mom just ignores me while you're gone. She didn't mean to, but she did. My permission slip…"

"It's okay, Noodle." Henry was pretty sure Ali was more upset at him being gone than anything Elizabeth had done.

"You have to talk to her. She went and yelled at Dean Ward." Ali's anger had managed to stem her tears now.

Henry's mind raced. He knew how upset Elizabeth had been. The poor dean had probably just gotten in her way.

"Your mom has just been really busy at work. Are you okay?" He wanted to make sure he didn't accidentally undermine something his wife had said. In reality, though, he was worried Elizabeth might have acted rashly or said something out of her anxiety for him.

Ali nodded. "I'm fine. Mom seems mad, though. She's just been sitting upstairs for hours not talking."

"Don't worry, okay? Team McCord is back together. It'll all be okay." He tweaked her nose, forcing out the ghost of a smile.

Jason had been watching the scene before him. "So, how was San Diego? Tell me three things that happened."

Henry looked at his son. "San Diego's a beautiful city. Three things that happened…"

"Don't lie." Jason's face was serious.

"I swear. No lies." Henry raised his right hand and drew and X over his chest with his left hand. "I had a conversation with a colleague about who is capable of administering sacraments. Another colleague and I talked together about the best way to assess the willful intentions of people from different religious traditions. And… The catering sucked." Henry was hoping this would appease his son.

Jason looked at him through narrowed eyes. "Fine."

Henry smiled. "Okay, now come give your old man a hug. I missed you." He opened his arms.

Smiling now, Jason gave his dad a hug, gripping his shoulders a little tighter than was strictly necessary.

"I missed you too."

With that, Jason was gone. Off to play video games, most likely.

Henry noticed Elizabeth still hadn't come downstairs. He turned to Ali, who was still sitting beside him. "Your mom still upstairs?"

Ali pursed her lips. "Yeah. I guess."

"I'm sorry you're upset, but that attitude isn't going to help. We'll talk later, I promise."

"Sorry." Ali hung her head, not wanting to look at her dad anymore.

Henry wished he could spend more time figuring out what was going on with Ali, but he wanted to make sure Elizabeth was okay. Once he saw her, he would finally feel like he was truly back home. He couldn't keep her waiting.

"I'm not mad at you, Noodle. Just let me say hi to your mom before we get into it. I promise we'll listen to you." He knew Ali felt neglected, and that was something he hoped his children would never experience.

Ali knew her dad meant well, and she knew it wasn't fair to ambush him with her anger when he had barely gotten home from… wherever. "Mom's in your room."

"Thanks, Ali. Love you."

"Love you, too, Dad."

"Elizabeth?" Henry stood in their bedroom doorway.

She didn't look at him. If she did, it would make what had happened real.

He shut the door behind him. "Baby? You okay?"

Elizabeth felt trapped now. She had to acknowledge him. She wanted to welcome him home. But part of her was still so desperately tired and confused. She decided to be honest.

"I don't know what to say, Henry." Her voice was quiet and held the hint of a tremor.

Henry breathed. At least she was talking. One step at a time. "You don't have to say anything." He closed the space between them, hoping she'd let him curl up with her in the window.

"No." Her word was sharp.

He was confused. He stopped. "What?"

"Don't touch me." The tremor was gone.

Henry froze.

"I'm glad you're back. I just can't…" The quiver in her voice was back, but she quickly got herself under control again. She took a deep breath. "I'm just not ready to do this."

He looked at her, utterly at a loss for words. "Do what? What…?"

She stood up and brushed past him, walking toward the door. "I'm not ready… Not yet."

"Babe, I'm home. You can tell me what's going on. I love you. It's okay."

Elizabeth looked back at him on her way out the door. She shook her head. It wasn't okay. None of it was okay, and she didn't know how to get herself to acknowledge it.

Henry had no idea what to do. He sat on the foot of the bed. His wife headed downstairs, unable to stand being in his presence. What on earth was happening?

When she got downstairs, she poured herself a drink. Maybe that would help. Maybe that would make her feel something. Not so. That didn't work.

She moved to her desk, reading briefs from weeks ago, but not retaining any of it. That didn't work.

Elizabeth turned on the TV. The late-night cooking shows could usually soothe her, but tonight. That didn't work.

She tried eating some ice cream, but the cold couldn't break up the weight that had settled in her chest. That didn't work.

Henry heard her roaming around downstairs. He wasn't sure what to do. This wasn't an Elizabeth he had seen recently. Not that he hadn't ever seen her like this, but recently she had been going out of her way to accommodate him. It seemed she didn't care anymore. At least not tonight.

He checked the clock. It was nearly 10:30pm. He decided that if Elizabeth didn't come up to bed by 11, he'd go check on her.

Elizabeth moved back to the liquor cabinet. Her mind was running constantly trying to figure out what was going on. Yet, she still couldn't understand why she felt the way she did. She needed a break. She wanted her brain to stop worrying about it.

This wasn't the solution, and she knew it, but she began to pour another glass.

11pm came and went. Henry didn't hear anything from downstairs. Elizabeth had probably fallen asleep. At 11:30, he decided to go find her. He didn't want her sleeping on the sofa and being sore in the morning.

"Babe? You down here?" Henry looked around the kitchen. When he didn't see her, he went into the family room. He found her sprawled out on the sofa watching the TV with glazed eyes. He could smell the whiskey.

He took a breath. "Okay, babe. Let's get you upstairs."

Elizabeth was completely drunk. "Henry, we should really talk, you know?" Her words were slurred, but she still managed to command quite a presence, though the effect was somewhat diminished from her position lying flat on her back.

"We'll talk tomorrow, when you feel better." Henry tried to get his hand under her shoulder, so he could help her stand up.

"But you know, I really, really missed you. You shouldn't have left me like that. I don't take it well." She didn't move. She didn't seem to remember that Henry wanted her to go upstairs.

Henry decided she wasn't moving at the moment and took a seat next to her. He saw the mostly empty liquor bottle in front of her. He tried to remember how much had been in the bottle when he left for Pakistan.

Elizabeth continued her meandering thoughts without noticing Henry looking at the bottle. "I mean… There was this stupid paper I had to sign for Ali's school, and I signed it, but the dean changed the policy, and it didn't work, and I'm not sure why that woman doesn't understand the amount of stuff I have to do in a day, because I'd like to see her try to deal with Russia backing out of Render Safe…" Her thoughts kept coming without clear beginnings and endings.

"It's okay, babe. It's going to be okay. I'm here to help." Henry tried to alleviate her worries, though it seemed she couldn't focus on one thought long enough to truly be concerned.

"Why'd you have to go? Because that was awful. I mean… I fell asleep…" She giggled. "And Russell Jackson had to come wake me up." Elizabeth sat up and poured herself another drink, quickly knocking it back.

Henry took the bottle and glass from her and stood to put it away. Enough of that.

Walking back to his wife, Henry said, "I'm sorry, babe. I know it must have been awful for you. Let me try to make it better."

She couldn't stop giggling now. "But that's the thing!" She was gleeful. "You can't make it better. When it comes down to it… I'm alone. You've been gone for months." For some reason, she found this funny.

Henry felt like he had been slapped. She's drunk. She doesn't know what she's saying.

He took a breath. "Elizabeth, I'm here now. I promise."

She looked at him. "You say that, but if I trust you now and it turns out you're lying, what's gonna happen then, huh? I might as well just do everything on my own."

She tried to stand up, but the room spun wildly in front of her, and she quickly fell back against the sofa.

Henry moved quickly, trying to keep her upright, but he was too preoccupied to catch her. His reflexes were too slow. What she said made sense. She didn't want to reunite with him if she was coming back to the same man she had been around the last few months. He had ignored her, lied to her, and made her constantly worry about him. She had a point. Even inebriated, she was logical.

He knew any big overtures would be lost on her right now. He wasn't even sure what he could say that would convince her that he was truly back and ready to be her husband.

"Well, babe, I hate to point this out, but you are drunk as skunk, and I hear you yelled at Alison's principal. You really want to try doing this on your own?"

Elizabeth grew quiet and seemed to think. She turned her face away, but kept her eyes locked on Henry. "Fair point."

"I thought so. We can talk in the morning, baby. I'm gonna do better. You don't need to worry, and you don't need to do everything by yourself. And you certainly don't need to get drunk like this." Henry smiled down at her. He couldn't really remember the last time she had had this much to drink.

"Yeah, maybe this wasn't the best idea." She was having trouble even sitting upright now. Her eyelids felt heavy.

Henry sighed. Her last attempt at standing up hadn't worked too well. "You can sleep it off, but you're going to need some help up the stairs."

She nodded.

"Alright, let's get you up." He reached under her shoulders and lifted her to her feet. She had no sense of balance and ended up leaning most of her weight against her husband. "You're lucky you're cute when you're drunk."

"I'm always cute." Elizabeth's confidence was definitely still intact.

Henry laughed. "Yeah, you are. But I have a feeling you're going to feel a lot less cute in the morning."

She wasn't paying attention anymore. She tried to start walking toward the stairs, but the floor didn't seem to be the same height when she picked up her foot and set it down again. Still, she was determined to walk. She hadn't had that much to drink, or so she thought.

Henry gave her enough room to try to walk, but he stayed close. He could tell it wouldn't go well. Sometimes it was nice to be reminded that she was human. When she had to spend days holed up in her office, it was nice to be reminded that she was still his wife. And right now, his wife couldn't walk.

He got in front of her and put a stop to it. "Okay, babe, you're gonna fall over if you keep that up." He wrapped her arm around his shoulders. She was light enough for him to hoist up easily.

She was able to navigate the first couple stairs, but after that, she couldn't seem to pick up her feet in time for them not to run into the step ahead of her. Henry sighed and lifted her legs behind her knees. Elizabeth groaned slightly at the change in her equilibrium.

With significant effort, Henry got her dead weight up the stairs and into their bedroom. He deposited her gently on the bed. "Do you feel alright? Are you going to be sick?"

"I'm fine."

Right.

"Okay, well I want you to drink some water before you go to sleep." He got her a cup, filled it up in the bathroom sink, and brought it back to her. "Drink all of this, you'll feel better. Could you eat some crackers?"

She took the glass and began to drink it. She grunted at his question. Henry wasn't sure if that meant she would eat the crackers or not. He decided to get her some. It would help the nasty hangover he was sure she'd have in the morning.

Henry went downstairs again for the crackers. As he was reaching for the plate, he couldn't help but think about how he had driven her away. She had sought comfort from a bottle of whiskey rather than from him. That upset him. He remembered the moment she had begun to seek comfort in him. It had been such a breakthrough for her, and he had not honored the trust she had given him.

When he got back upstairs, Elizabeth was nearly asleep, and the glass of water was empty. He refilled it, hoping she would drink more.

Sitting next to her on the bed, he offered her a cracker. "Here, babe. Eat this."

"I didn't want… to go to sleep without you." She wasn't completely coherent, but Henry could mostly make out what she was saying.

God, why do you have to be so innocent? If only he could manage to be mad at her, but he couldn't. She was so heartbreakingly hopeful, and he had trampled on that hope.

"I'm here, babe. I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere." He gave up on the crackers and curled up around her.

"Good... 'Cause I don't want the Canadian foreign minister to yell at me for sanctions…" She said with a huff that let him know she was falling asleep.

Henry had no idea what she was talking about, and he figured she didn't, either. At least she was asleep now. One look at the dark smudges under her eyes told him she hadn't been sleeping much.

Once he was sure she was completely out, Henry got up to change into pajamas and get ready for bed. After brushing his teeth, he lay down beside his wife. Elizabeth hadn't moved. She still looked exhausted, but she was beautiful. She was so earnest. He hated to see that light of hope extinguished. They would talk in the morning. He would make it better. Somehow.