How to Write the the Great hu-man/Sangheili Novel

Dedicated to everyone who has tried,

By Exilo

All of the Sangheili must have tragic features: tragic snouts, eyes, and mandibles.
Their hands and fingers must be tragic when they reach for tragic blades.

The hero must be a Sangheili, with hu-man characteristics, preferably
from a swordsman line. He should often weep alone.

If the hero is a Sangheili woman, she must be beautiful. She must be sexy
and in love with a hu-man. But if she loves a Sangheili man

than he must have hu-man characteristics, preferably from a swordsman line.
If the Sangheili woman loves a hu-man, then he has to be so hu-man

he can kill a chieftain with only his wits and a spork.

When the Sangheili woman steps out of her robes, the hu-man gasps
at the endless beauty of her pale skin. She should be compared to nature:
snowy hills, mountains, fertile valleys, dewy grass, clean well-smelling wind, and clear water.

If she is compared to murky water, however, then she must have a secret.
Sangheili always have secrets, which are carefully and slowly revealed

(because continuity is not important)

Sangheili secrets can be disclosed suddenly, like a storm.
Sangheili men, only men with the splayed mandibles and bad eyes,
are storms. They should destroy the lives
of any hu-man women who says hi when they pass each other in the hallway.

All hu-man women love
Sangheili men. That is always the case. Hu-man women feign disgust

at the split chin in armor and skin suits, but secretly lust after him.
Hu-man women dream about Sangheili men from swordsman lines.

Sangheili men are swords, beautiful and frightening. When the Sangheili man
removes his armor, the hu-man woman should think of gun turrets.

There must be one attempted murder, one successful murder, one attempted suicide, one successful suicide, one attempted rape, one successful rape, one comic relief death, one over the top death.
Alcohol should be consumed. Drugs are optional.

Warthogs must be driven at high speeds.

Things should blow up.

Dying characters should cling to life long enough
he could be evacuated, had anyone thought to call

The hero should never be in any real danger,
His shield trumps
Superior size, strength, weapons, and training
And must brush aside whole armies without receiving a wound his own

(HE'S A DEMON!)

Sangheili may have visions to push the story. Hu-mans can have the same visions
if they are in love with Sangheili. If a hu-man loves a Sangheili

then the hu-man is Sangheili by proxy. Hu-mans must carry
a Sangheili deep inside themselves. Those Sangheili have hu-man characteristics

and of a swordsman line. If the interior Sangheili is male
then he must be a warrior, especially if he is inside a hu-man male.

If the interior Sangheili is female, then she must be a dancer, especially if she is inside
a hu-man woman. Sometimes there are complications.

A Sangheili man can be hidden inside a hu-man woman, and vice-versa. A Sangheili woman
can be hidden inside a hu-man man, and vice-versa. In these rare instances,

everybody has hu-man characteristics and values, everyone thinks modernly and progressively.
There must be redemption, of course, and sins must be forgiven.

(30 years of genocide? What 30 years of genocide?!)

For this, we need children. A hu-man child and a Sangheili child, gender
not important, should express deep affection in a childlike way.

In the great hu-man/Sangheili novel, when it is finally written,
all of the hu-mans and all the Sangheili will live happily ever after

(And Doisac will be glassed)