Chapter 1 – Lost

Disclaimer: I wish I was but really... I don't own Fushigi Yuugi but the talented Yuu Watase does.

Author's Note: My third fanfic story. Another product of my wild and attention deficit hyperactive 'imagination'. I accidentally published the raw chapter some months ago and had to take it down because I was not completely satisfied with it. It was actually in my folder for more than a year already and had been procrastinating as usual. This is supposed to be a one-shot story but ideas kept popping in my mind, so I thought I should give it a try.

The chapter is without beta editing so I hope you will still enjoy the story despite the grammatical errors you might encounter.

Note: This story is completely different from other stories. No Reincarnations and the book of the Universe of the four Gods do not exist. Although, I have included some of the significant places in the UOTFG in modern Japan so as to keep the feel of FY.

Summary: They had been in loved with each other for as long as they can remember. One secretly. One Deeply. Miaka bought a fancy-glittery high heel for one special occasion. She wasn't Cinderella but why was her heart bleeding? Saihitei crushed the already crumpled paper and shoved it in his pocket, deciding to burn it later. But why was his heart tearing to pieces?

Chapter 1 – Lost

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does.

Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.

- James A. Baldwin

Miaka's POV

I was a hypocrite.

No… I guess I was just an idiot, plain idiot in the literal sense of the word.

Everywhere, I was looking for a sign; just one sign to tell me I shouldn't be here. That being here was the stupidest decision in the world.

Yesterday, I found myself inside the train on my way to town after finally heeding Yui's advice I should buy a new pair of shoes for today's special occasion which I think if I was truly going to be honest with myself would be the most horrid day of my life. I could think of no reason why I should waste a penny to procure a fancy, glittery high heel that I was sure to utilize for only one day. It's not like a few inches addition to my height would benefit me. It's highly unlikely that he would notice me. He never did in the past and never will be in this present or future. I should not encourage myself with hopeless fantasies.

So as I sat there uncaring how many more stations before I reach my destination I instead wallowed with my never ending bitterness, barely acknowledging the middle aged woman that had taken the empty seat on my left side. I glanced with disinterest the Konan Times newspaper she was reading when my eyes accidentally landed on the printed italic words in bold red 'Don't swallow what you can't digest.'

The words felt like a hammer pounding the insides of my head. It's intense red font blinding my mind.

Why? My rather unfocused self-denial mind questioned pointlessly.

That's because, my other calm clear-headed mind reasoned bluntly, it will keep rising to the surface.

I sighed despairingly. How far can I keep up with my perfectly made façade and ignore the countless questions and destructive thoughts. The embittered feelings of hiding behind a forced obligatory smile, pretending to be a supportive and loyal companion because I was specifically requested to be in this position… No, I will never understand and yet… Here I am…

But I guess what drive me to this level of desperation that teetered to almost irreparable madness was that I had been trying to find a way to justify my actions… perhaps, I was waiting for a small miracle; that tiny little thing called hope… that's why even though I wanted so badly to rip this expensive silk gown hugging my body into shreds and let myself walk naked inside chapel and then bravely and shamelessly scream what's in my heart, I decided to keep… quiet…

I jerked back at the sound coming from the car's passenger door. The gentle knocking of fist on the metal was enough to reel me back to the present I wanted to escape from. I whipped my head and saw Tendou looking at me with understanding smile from the outside of the window. I smiled cheekily, almost forcedly; hoping the stupid thick make-up would be enough to mask the pain away. But to see his sympathetic gaze instead of his usual playful ones made my stomach churn knowing my hiding had been another weak fruitless attempt.

I swallowed a lump on my throat. He was looking at me with pity! WHY?! Did he notice the pain hidden in my eyes? Was he going to admonish me for entertaining such disgraceful thoughts? It was not possible. I was certain I managed to perfectly play my act. I was applauded by my mentors and fellow actors in our club every time we performed a play, be it drama, comedy or tragedy. I was a damn good actress! There's no way he would see right through me!

But the way he was looking at me… I could not stand it… His sincere gaze to me was like a mockery! And I really-truly did not appreciate anyone's sympathy. Am I really nearing my boiling point that everyone seemed to notice the crack on my mask? Why was he here anyway?

I schooled my expression, casually brushing a finger on one of my locks while I raised one eyebrow in silent query. He tilted his head in response, nudging me to step out of the car while mouthing the words, "He's looking for you."

My heart skipped, momentarily losing my cool demeanour. He was looking for me? He wanted to speak with me for what would be the last few stolen moments before we all walked down the aisle in the next fifteen minutes. Wait! How do I look? I don't look awful in my make-up, do I? My grip on the bouquet loosened reflexively as I placed another hand to my suddenly flustered cheeks. Oh, I was so nervous and so happy I wanted to cry, fate was kind to me after all.

I fumbled on the knob and nervously opened the backseat's passenger door. It didn't even register in my mind that Tendou caught me by the elbow when I accidentally tripped my gown, causing me to sprain my left foot. The little distraction barely helped me taper off my quivering, explaining needlessly that I was born a clumsy. With few comforting words that I greatly needed, he escorted me to where the love of my life was waiting. Was I really trembling in fear and anxiety? I hadn't realized that as well. My senses seemed to have taken a momentary shut down.

Three months. It had been three months since the last time we have spoken to one another. I thought I would never get the chance to talk to him one last time before… No! I refused to accept the inevitable… It's my hiding because of my own cowardice that we never had the chance to speak with one another. But there's still hope… I can still confess my true feelings… And then, maybe… just maybe…

The moment I saw him standing in that small garden at the back of the chapel, his face illuminated by the brilliant sunlight; I felt tears pooling in the corner of my eyes. And it was so sudden, so fast that a fountain of beautiful cherished memories came rushing into my mind like rich clear waterfall. The need to rush to him, plead to him was as flagrant as the thunderous beating of my heart overlapping the various random sound surrounding us.

I was weak after all… A pathetic cry baby… And I was desperate…

"You look handsome, as always…" I managed to utter.

He looked at me with a slightly surprised expression and I unconsciously fisted the sides of my gown. So many years ago I could just burst into his room – and into his personal space because it felt natural to be close to him. With him, I felt everything about life can be simple and easy… that everything was possible. But now, as I awkwardly stood a few feet away from him interrupting his moment of peaceful reverie, it felt as if I had overstepped his boundary.

It was so easy to picture him as the boy I once knew… the boy who did not hesitate to carry my weight on his back or when he assured me to let go of that branch. The boy who knew my fears, my dreams… the many secrets I shared with him except for one. But seeing him like this… so very different from the boy with a kind smile in my yesteryears, I was viciously reminded the reason on why I was here… Why I was confined in this beautifully made gown…

For all that's worth I was not denied of his generous response, so generous I nearly burst into tears from the sheer emotion of the moment. He did not utter a single word...

He… smiled…

He smiled at me… and I bit my lips to control a sob.

I had been for the longest time that I could remember praying to see him smile again. And it was incredibly silly – childish of me to pray for something shallow as a smile but to me it was my antidote… my hearts oasis in this conflicted life. And as proud juvenile as I was, I allowed myself to indulge in this pleasant feeling. This smile of his was only meant for me… belongs to me that I wish this moment will never end.

My heart flipped erratically. This must be it, the sign I had been waiting for! I suddenly found myself extremely nervous but his response has encouraged me to take the mighty leap. I am going to bravely confess my feelings.

"You must be excited!" I blabbered, smiling stupidly. And my mind exploded in buzz of frustration and grating annoyance, inwardly fighting the sudden urge to raise my hand in attempt to face palm or pull my hair in front of him. What?! What did I say just now?! It was wrong again! Why was I such a bloody coward! What is wrong with me! Why can't I say it? I only wanted to tell him I lov-

"I have missed you, Miaka…"

My breath hitched, throat tightening at his words. I felt like a small child having difficulty to construct simple words. He… missed me… I had doubted before that he would miss me, after all; we have not been on speaking terms for the longest time that I could remember. I did not understand, we had been as closed as Siamese twins and suddenly there was this invisible wall between us. It was so hard to reach out. But now, I can finally say it.

"I missed you too…" I replied in a barest whisper that fortunately reached his ears.

But it was wrong again. The uttered words barely compensated for the depths of my longing. It felt shallow and did not give any justice to the intensity of what I am capable of offering…

My heart.

My life.

My soul.

Why was it so difficult to say something simple? Why could I not express the real me? Why am I holding back?

"You… missed me?" He asked, looking surprise at my confession, as if he could hardly believe what I just said. The desire to swoon upon hearing his deep velvety voice was tempting but it was difficult to overlook that his words were coated with uncertainty. I was serious and sincere when I uttered those words and yet…

His very question has brought me back to the reality… The here and now… My heart sank in disappointment. Who was I kidding? If he would doubt such simple words, how could I possibly make him to believe that I not only missed him but loved him with all that I have?

There's no hope left for me.

Even if I tell him what I truly feel… He would not reciprocate my feelings.

Even if I screamed how much I love him… He would never hear me.

All is fair in love and war… And I have truly lost.

As the bell chimes interrupted our awkward silence, signaling the start of the ceremony; I closed my eyes to swallow back my tears.

Today, we are walking down the aisle.

He was the dashing groom.

But I was not his chosen bride.

Saihitei's POV

The love of my entire life would be lost to me forever.

Those were the words burning in my mind ever since I made that one mistake.

I was clearly the one to blame for my own lapses. Yet, as improbable as it may sound, I could not help but ask… How did it come to this?

My own foolishness has led a fatal domino effect to my life and the people around me I never wanted to hurt. I clenched my fists, wrinkling the piece of paper in my hand as I closed my eyes; trying to repress the augmenting pain of regret and wishing solemnly I could turn back the time when everything was simple, young and free.

Free… the word seemed as foreign as the forfeiture of my innocence. It was ironic how I failed to care that my world has shrunk infinitesimally and yet I dread every passing second knowing in a few minutes, I would be trapped in an escapable covenant, till death do us part.

Never in my life ever since I realized the significance of those five sacred words that would I come to loathe it.

My head drooped unconsciously, slowly drawing out the precious memories that preserved my sanity. And almost instantly I was swept away, back in the time when my eyes first caught her beautiful expressive hazel eyes brimming in tears, and my young guileless heart pictured the two of us, all grown up and me marrying her someday. It was a dream… childish, naïve, stubborn… They said it was just mere infatuation after all, in her tender age of five, she was truly adorable.

Though my parents, specifically my mother had raised an eyebrow in more than one occasion, they did not question the oddness of my behavior. My sudden interest to peruse their wedding album was neither to see the captured moment of my mother glowing in her pristine bridal gown or my father's look of unadulterated joy and pride as he waited with bated breath his bride slowly walking down the aisle but to memorize the written sacred vows as if readying my seven year old self for the reality of what they saw was my childish dream.

To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish…

I opened my eyes and gazed at the small garden cursorily. In my world of childish fantasy, I had sworn to share my life with her. And as silly as it was, I indulge myself carelessly with her buoyant response. We were childhood friends, the kind of friends that shared anything and everything under the sun. There was no shame in what we do. We laugh and goof around, catch dragonflies, chase each other, watch cartoons together, climb trees, read books, nurse each other's wounds and bruises, feed the koi fishes in the pond, share a sandwich, play hide and seek, fly kites, play pretend… I was her husband and she was my wife. Our children were Woody, Barbie and Teddy. She'd bring out her tea set and we'll have picnic together under their peach tree while I'll sneak to my brother's room and take his guitar so I can serenade her along with the flowers I plucked from my mother's garden.

To her, maybe it was just play pretend… But to me, it was so much more. My every thought process, my every conscious action… It was because I knew, even in my young mind; I already loved her.

I was her best friend, her protector, her guardian angel.

And we were happy…

"What are you doing here?"

I was reluctantly hauled back to my wandering thoughts by the familiar voice of my brother. I clenched my jaw, bitterness returning full force in that instant. Did he not understand the reason of my retreat? Was it really hard to spare me my last moment of peace before I am completely engulfed in this lifetime of travesty?

"Anyway, she's finally here." He said nonchalantly after hearing no reply from my side and I snorted inwardly. My bride has finally arrived… after being late for thirty minutes… and here I was praying she finally realized this entire wedding was just but a masquerade and decided to back-out. I was obviously wrong.

"Would you like to talk to her?"

I heard Tendou say from where he was standing. I lowered my head in consternation, certainly not appreciating his intrusive behavior. What was he up to? Was he really mocking me? Did he really think I could change her mind about this wedding? "Do not worry yourself, Tendou. I do not need to speak to her at this moment since there will be a lifetime of talking after we are married." I replied blandly and silently cursed my arrogance; surely I could do better if I want a lasting relationship with my soon to be wife.

After remaining quiet for a few, resentful moments I stood up from the bench, preparing to take my leave in the garden and onto the chapel where I would be condemned to a lifetime prison. The very thought was disturbing and I for the last time questioned myself, is this the most noble thing to do? Before I could take one step, I heard Tendou's voice once more.

"I meant, Miaka…" He said knowingly and I suddenly whipped my head toward his direction, not anticipating he was sensitive to my painful recollection.

Just the mere mention of her name was enough to make my heart expand inside my ribcage. My throat grew tighter at the familiar ache. I returned Tendou's piercing gaze with my own and the painful throbbing multiplied by a thousandth. She was here. Of course – I personally invited her myself. I wanted to laugh at my idiocy. What was I thinking when I approached her? That she would be jealous?! I could not believe the breadth of my delusion.

For so many times, she had clearly spelt out with her own actions that I was nothing to her but a mere friend.

So I did what I thought was for the best. I avoided her like plague. Shunned her in my life. I created a space that was a continent apart. I dated other girls. I was certain I will be rewarded for the copious attempts to forget her. I only have to set my eyes on my goal and the wound in my heart would surely heal.

But I was a fool to even consider I would be able to cast away the love that was torturing me since the day I met her. I could not. I could never – would never forget her for as long as I live.

"I always wanted to speak to her…" I said truthfully. This is Tendou, my elder brother. He would never judge me. "Only… I do not know what to say…"

My brother nodded his head in understanding, withdrawing his left hand tucked from his pocket to check the time. "Well, you have seven minutes to figure what you wanted to say." He replied before retreating back to fetch the woman I'm hopelessly in love with.

I was struck with sudden nervousness, not anticipating the prospect of talking to her in private. I always, always wanted to approach her again after my wedding announcement and invitation three months ago. I thought it felt only right but at the same time… wrong.

It feels right to appease her, to let her know there might be another woman to share my life but no other woman will share my love. It would always belong to her and only her.

It feels painfully wrong because as much I desire to let loose of this emotion for one last time before I signed the papers of my lifetime imprisonment I was terrified of the repercussion, too afraid that she would condemn me for my own malice and dishonesty. How could I? I have yet to marry and I'm already proudly proclaiming I will forever cheat on my wife maybe not physical but in thoughts.

Would she really hate me if she ever learned the depth of my love for her? That I failed in my attempt to forget her. It had been two years since my last confession… a soulful and heartfelt confession that was ignored. A bitter smile escaped my lips. Every time I was reminded of the memory, of the painful rejection I could not help the stabbing sensation – so fresh, so raw that it felt like it only happened yesterday.

"You look handsome, as always…"

My head whipped towards her direction, startled of her presence. I was so lost with my own thoughts that I did not realize she was here already, standing not so far away from me. God… she was so beautiful… so lovely.

But this beauty would never be mine, I chastised internally. I would never forgive myself if she ever hated me. I crushed the already crumpled paper in my hand and buried it in my pocket. I should burn it later so no hands or eyes would ever lay upon it. I should content with what she could only offer – her unwavering friendship.

I smiled at her, remembering her compliment.

"You must be excited!" She exclaimed breathlessly, lips widened in a smile.

I so wanted to tell her I was indeed excited… to see her. It had been a while… Three months since after I came to her with my surprising announcement. She was smiling brightly and crying tears of joy to express how happy she was for me. I so missed her smile, it never fails to brighten up my day. I missed the little Miaka who was bursting in tears for something petty or childish. Tears that I always wiped dry with my fingers. I missed her so much… I would miss her so much…

"I have missed you, Miaka…" The words slipped my mouth before I could restrain myself and I regretted it immediately upon seeing her rigid posture. I clenched my jaw. This is the reason why I could never ever reveal my feelings for her. She seemed to be so allergic with anything that I could offer that is affectionate. Yes, I breathed the words with warmth and genuine fondness but it will never compare to the flaming torch I held for her. She was my inner fire and my heart burns for her.

But she will never see it that way. If I was ever going to look for a sign, then I should really open my eyes and accept the glaring reality.

Though, she would not be lost forever, at least I still have her friendship.

"I missed you too." Her voice was so soft, so small, so sincere, so enchanting… so unlike her earlier jovial response that I thought a spell was casted upon me. It was like one of my dreams that I did not wish to wake up soon. She did miss me… too?

I never thought it would sound so beautiful than it already was. It was like a smooth silky ribbon wrapping my heart. I wonder how it would feel like to hear her say those three heavenly words. I shook my head inwardly. My thoughts are once again driving me to the edge of my sanity. It would do me good to not think of another hopeless wishful thoughts. I should be more than satisfied to the idea that she somehow had missed me…

And slowly, I was put out of my trance with the same words pounding behind my ears, unable to believe my sense of hearing and asked my inner self for the umpteenth time if I was still hallucinating. She missed me… Miaka… missed me…

"You… missed me?" I could not help but ask for I worry that I wrongly interpreted her words. Still, I could not control my agitation, hoping to God she would say yes. It would be the only perfect present before I wed. I would cherish it forever, even if I only heard it once.

I peered through her soulful hazel eyes and what I saw in the slow change of her countenance was truly and utterly heart breaking. She could not even meet me in the eye to answer such simple question… a matter of yes or no…

Was I really undeserving of her affection despite what we had been through, what we had shared in the past?

Was my being honest of my feelings so unforgivable that she refused to spare me even an ounce of her warmth?

How can we ever go back to that time where I could freely sit next to her without having to worry that she would flinch around me, to hold her hand without the feeling of disgust?

Would she still trust me with her life just like the time when I asked her to let go of the branch, promising I would be there to catch her when she fall?

Would she still allow me to carry her on my back when she get tired and fall asleep?

I will always be there for her even if she would never need me.

I will continue to love her even if she would never have to be reminded of it ever again.

I was a hopeless fool that I really am.

All is fair in love and war… And I was and would never be a winner.

As the bell chimes interrupted our awkward silence, signaling the start of the ceremony; I closed my eyes to swallow back my tears.

Today, we are walking down the aisle.

I wish to be the dashing perfect groom

But I also wish she was my lovely perfect bride.

End of Chapter 1

A/N:

Not a fairy tale start for my favorite pair. What will happen to Miaka and Saihitei? Will Miaka be braved enough to declare her hidden love and stop the wedding at the last minute? Will Saihitei realize his mistake and remember his vow to marry no one else but Miaka?

My appreciation to you all for taking time to read my humble story. Please send me a review as I would love to know your thoughts.