"GAAAHHHHHH!" came the scream from the living room. "GOMEN NE! GAH! I'M SORRY! GOMEN! AH!"
"It's fine, Ritchan, it's fine," said Shigure hastily, attempting to calm his cousin down. "I just asked why you were here."
"AM I BURDENING YOU?!" Ritsu shouted. "GOMENASI! GOMEN! I'M SO SORRY! FORGIVE ME! I AM UNWORTHY TO STAND IN YOUR PRESCENCE!"
"No, no, Ritchan!" cried Shigure. "It's fine. I was just wondering why you came all this way, is all."
"Oh," said Ritsu, calming down a bit. "Gomen. I, erm, well... I have a question, Shigure-Nii."
"Ask away!" said Shigure enthusiastically.
"How do people make babies?" asked Ritchan innocently. "I know it takes a girl and a boy, but how, specifically, does it work?"
Shigure's previous expression was frozen on his face. What the hell? Ritchan had never gotten THE TALK? Oh boy. And to ask Shigure, of all people. Well, this was going to be interesting.
"I-um," said Shigure. "Well, Ritchan, why don't you ask Tohru? She's much better with this than I am." Last time Shigure had had to give someone THE TALK, Hiro had moved into a tent in his backyard and refused to speak to anyone for three days. Must have been the trauma.
"Okay," said Ritsu. "I'll go find her. Gomen for asking on such short notice." With that, Ritsu stepped towards the kitchen and left behind a baffled Shigure. How could he not know?
"Ano," said Ritsu, eying Tohru as she sped about the kitchen. "Miss Tohru? Gomen ne for interrupting! But I, um, have a question."
"Oh, Ritsu!" cried Tohru. "Ohayo! What do you need?"
"I was wondering," Said Ritsu, his face the perfect picture of innocence. "How people make babies. Shigure said you would know."
Tohru just stood there for a second, the plate of onigiri almost slipping out of her hands. Then, her entire face turned a bright, profuse red. "U-uh," she choked out. "W-well… You d-d-don't know?"
Ritsu just shook his head. "Gomen ne if I'm bothering you," he said. "I just wanted to know."
"I-iie," said Tohru quickly, still trying to figure out how to handle the situation. "I-it's fine. It's just... Um... Hatori-san is more qualified for this! Yes, I'll go call Hatori-san! I'm sure he won't mind explaining all of this to you!" With that, Tohru took off before Ritsu could protest.
About half an hour later, the doorbell rung.
"I'll get it!" cried Tohru from where she'd been sitting, trying to entertain Ritsu without acknowledging his earlier question.
Hatori was surprised at how quickly the door flew open. A very, very frazzled Tohru was standing there, looking grateful beyond words that the Dragon had shown up.
"Hatori-san!" she said. "A-ano... Can we please talk privately."
Oh boy. This was looking to be one of those female crisis Hatori had no idea how to handle. You know, one of those, 'I think I'm pregnant' conversations. Hatori hated those conversations. He'd had several as a Doctor. Two resulted in a fainting spell, and on one case, a distraught woman crying on Hatori's shoulder. Needless to say, he was not looking forwards to another 'girl problem' discussion.
"Hatori-san," said Tohru, once she'd safely pulled him into the kitchen. "U-uh... Ritsu hasn't... Nobody's told Ritsu!"
"Told Ritsu what?" asked Hatori, rather surprised by how flushed Tohru looked.
"A-about... H-h-how people... Howpeoplemakebabies!" she exclaimed quickly, hoping she wouldn't loose her nerve. She cringed, half expecting Hatori-san to faint. She felt bad asking him to do such a favor, but better him than her.
Hatori's face lost all traces of life, except for his ears, which were burning red. This was his least favorite part of being a Doctor. Even worse than delivering Hiro while the midwife was on vacation, and that was saying something. Hatori hadn't been the same for weeks.
"W-well," said Hatori, trying to remain calm. "I-I guess I'll have to tell him?"
Tohru nodded, giving him a sympathetic look.
"Gomen ne for bothering you," she said weakly. "But... Erm..." she lowered her voice. "I don't know much about... You know... Baby-making."
Hatori's ears were now almost on fire. Any more embarassment, and the Sohma's would be collecting the large life insurance sum promised to his family when he died.
"I-I see," Hatori nodded professionally. "I-I'll just... Erm... See what I can say... Say, Tohru, uh... None of your friends would be... you know... Couldn't one of them give Ritsu 'The Talk'?"
"Oh, no!" said Tohru, clearly shocked. "They aren't those kinds of girls."
Hatori decided to just shut up and not say anything.
"Okay, Ritsu," said Hatori, once Tohru had cleared the dining room so that only he and Ritsu remained. "Tohru told me you have a question about, uh, pregnancy."
"Oh, nothing like that," said Ritsu, still the perfect image of innocence. "I just wanted to know how they're made."
Hatori turned a funny shade of purple.
"R-right," he said. "W-well..." Hatori was saved from having to launch into 'The Talk' by the front door suddenly slamming open. The entire room lost ten degrees off it's temperature. Ritsu cowered, hiding behind his sleeve, and Hatori mentally began to cry, both from gratitude and from horror.
"A-A-Akito-sama," stammered Ritsu, falling forwards in what was either a bow or a dead faint.
"Hatori!!!" snapped Akito. "Where were you! My nurse almost gave me the wrong medicine! I could have died, and you're over here just lazing around! How do you SLEEP at night!?"
"Gomen, Akito-san," said Hatori. "Ah... Could I see you in the kitchen for a second, please?"
Akito followed Hatori suspiciously into the kitchen. Hatori took a deep breath.
"I was just about-," Hatori choked. "I was-"
"You were what?" growled Akito.
"I was going to give Ritsu 'The Talk'," said Hatori. Surely, that was worse than any punishment Akito could come up with.
The God stood there for a second. Then, a cackle passed through his lips. It was not a pleasant noise that filled the air. Akito clutched his sides and gasped for breath (Shoulda brought the damn inhaler) occasionally sending Hatori looks like he was crazy.
"How on EARTH can that take you so long?" wheezed Akito, when the pain had overcome the laughter. "It's just The Talk, for God's sake. You mean to tell me you've been attempting to understand the art of child creation to Ritsu for the past thirty-five minutes? What kind of Doctor are you? Can't even give one nineteen-year-old boy The Talk?"
"If you want to try, go ahead," said Hatori.
"Fine," said Akito. "I will. And I'll show you how easy it is."
With that, the God left a stunned Hatori and swept imperiously out of the room.
ENDING 1:
Five minutes later, Tohru, Shigure, and Kyo and Yuki, who'd just come home, were gathered in the kitchen.
The sliding door slid open, and Akito entered the room, followed closely by Ritsu. The Monkey of the zodiac looked fine. His face was a normal color, he wasn't screaming, and he looked... exactly the same as he had a couple of minutes ago, except more content with life.
"Arigatou Gozaimasu," he said, bowing to everybody. "Really, I had no idea it was that simple!" With that, he straightened up, and turned to face Tohru. "Tohru-san, will you make a baby with me?"
There was a thud as Tohru's body hit the ground, fainted dead away.
ENDING 2:
Five minutes later, Tohru, Shigure, and Kyo and Yuki, who'd just come home, were gathered in the kitchen.
The door slid open, and Akito walked gracefully in.
"Done," he said.
Hatori looked around tentatively, trying to peek behind Akito from where he was standing.
"A-ano... Where is Ritsu?" he asked.
Suddenly, there came a loud cry from outside. A loud cry of:
"Wait, Stork-san! Onegai, wait! My Father says he needs another son to help run the onsen while I'm away! Please, come back!"
There was dead silence in the room. Kyo would have snickered, but he didn't think it was appropriate.
"A-Akito-sama," said Shigure, clearly trying to stifle his laughter. "What exactly did you tell him?"
"That storks bring babies to waiting parents," said Akito. Noting the look of amusment on Shigure's face and terror on Hatori's, he crossed his arms over his chest angrily.
"What? That's how it happens, isn't it?"
The room had never cleared out fasted.
("I believe I left the dryer running!" shouted Tohru.
"I forgot something at the dojo!" shouted Kyo.
"I've gotta go catch up with Hatori!" shouted Shigure.
"I just remembered I've gotta go... pick up my dry cleaning!" shouted Hatori.
"I forgot something at the store in town!" shouted Yuki.)
Akito watched them all go with a look of puzzled disgust on his face.
"Wimps," he muttered, heading back out to the car. "Can't handle the truth about babies, can they?"
Glossary:
Iie: No.
Arigatou Gozaimasu: Translates into 'Thank you very much' or an expression of gratitude similiar to that.
Hai: Yes.
Notes: When Tohru said her friends weren't those kinds of girls, she thought that Hatori wanted them to tell Ritsu because they'd had... erm... experience.
And in ending number 1: Akito surely could have added a bit more detail.
In ending number 2, I would have laughed, but I'm sick and I can hardly even breath, so...
Thanks to Littlefiction for the idea. Thank you, Littlefiction! Thank you!