The 24 Parody Project
Episode 1
(The following contains massive spoilers (somewhat), so be sure you know pretty much everything that's going on up to now in the show (the end of season 6 pretty much) if you don't know everything up to this point, turn back now, you have been warned. Also the following story is in 'A Script' fashion because I just suck at writing normal 'paragraph' form. Everything 24 (Events, Characters, Etc.) here is copyright Fox and all that good stuff, I do not own any of it, for if I did, my butt would be thrown out on the street after this stunt.. The following takes place before production of this 'special season' between 4:00pm and 5:00pm. Disclaimer over!
At the FOX executive offices, in the writers room, the writers of the hit show '24' sit around a conference table, brainstorming new and fresh ideas for the upcoming season, or 'day'.
Fred (Head writer guy, I doubt none of the people here are actually names of the writers on the actual show, just play along.): Okay, guys. (Claps his hands together) This season has to top all the others, there has to be a lot of explosions, excitement, plot twists, the deaths of important characters, and everything that makes '24' great, any ideas?
Sam: Hmm….Well, I think this season should focus more on the love affair between Jack and Chloe.
Fred: Uh….what?
Kyle: What the hell are you talking about? They're not in love with each other!
Sam: You don't see it!? They're madly in love! In fact, I think this season should have more conflict when Audrey comes back, and it's a heated love triangle between her, Jack, and Chloe.
Terry: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It'll never work.
-Later, when filming-
Jack: Chloe, I've decided to run away with you!
Chloe (Putting her hand up to her forehead): But Jack, we can't leave Los Angeles in the midst of all this terror! I know I love you but….
Jack: No buts! We leave, in…(checks his watch) 4 minutes and 27 seconds. That's when the episode ends after all.
Audrey (appearing out of nowhere): Jack! I can't believe you're cheating on me!
Jack: Gasp! Audrey!
Chloe: Oh crap!
Audrey: To think I loved you, and you're going to run away with this…..harlot!
Chloe: Who are you calling 'harlot', you bimbo!
They start to fight and the bouncers pull them off each other, the audience screams "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"...uh, what?
Chloe: The truth is Jack…I'm really a MAN! (She takes her shoes off, the audience goes nuts).
Jack: WHAT!?
Audrey: I have a terrible secret too Jack….I'm really (Pulls off mask), GEORGE MASON!
Jack: DOUBLE WHAT!?
George: Jack, back in season 2 when I obliterated myself in the nuke that was on the plane, I was disfigured so badly I had to lead a new life, so I changed my name to Audrey Raines!
Jack: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Director: AND CUT!!!
Fred: I love it! Cut, Roll, Print! We've got ourselves a season!
Bleep….bleep….bleep….bleeepblepebelepebleepebbepeeee…..24!
Jack: The Following Takes Place Between 7:00am and 8:00 am.
It's morning in Los Angeles, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and Jack Bauer wakes up to the sound of his obnoxious ring tone on his cell phone.
Jack: Ugh…
He stumbles out of bed and answers his phone.
Jack: Yes.
Voice: Jack….Jack Bauer…?
Jack: This is him…
Voice: The President will die at 4:00 today! click
Jack: …who is this?...hello?
7:07:22, Jack runs downstairs to eat his breakfast; much to the shock of all the viewers that Jack actually ate something. He grabs his coat then leaves; then comes back in because he would probably like to take a shower first.
MEANWHILE, AT CTU!!!!
Chloe O'Brien walks into the main floor (where all the action takes place), she throws her bags, purse, umbrella, cat, newspaper and coat onto the chair at her terminal then heads up the stairs to Bill Buchanan's office.
Chloe (walks in, shutting the door behind her): Mr. Buchanan, I've got a problem…already. I need to talk to you.
Bill: Come on in, Chloe.
Chloe (looking back at the door, confused): uh….okay. Anyway, so I….
Bill (picks up the phone): WHAT!? AN ATTACK ON THE PRESIDENT AT 4:00! Were on it! click Chloe that was a great story, I've got to run! (He leaves).
Chloe: GRR!
Bill: Okay people! We've got a situation! The following attempt on the president's life will take place between 4:00pm and 5:00pm. All events occur in real time!
Nadia Yassir, who takes Bill's place as acting CTU director whenever Bill gets fired. Walks in and heads up to Chloe's terminal.
Nadia: Morning, Chloe. What's going on?
Chloe (Putting on her 'Vote for Pedro' t-shirt): Someone's going to kill the president at 4:00, Bill just made an announcement to the staff.
Nadia (checks her watch): It's not even 7:30, were like, the only two here.
Chloe: Don't ask questions, Nadia. GAW! FRIGGIN IDIOT! (She scoffs then slumps away).
Nadia: You don't have to be rude!
Chloe: I can't help it, I have a personality disorder.
Milo (who's supposed to be dead), and Morris O'Brien (Chloe's Ever-Inebriated Husband) walk in. Chloe looks constipated. THE TIME IS 7:20:32!
-----CUT------
Fred: Now hold on a second! Why the hell is Milo back, he's dead!
John (uh, another writer): I miss Milo.
Fred: You can't bring him back from the dead! For god's sake, he still has that bullet wound in his forehead! It's just tacky!
John: FINE! Meanie…
It's 7:24:11 (after a commercial break), Milo drops to the ground, dead. Morris walks on by / Jack's driving and eating a sausage Mcmuffin at the same time / Chloe is staring into space / Bill is playing sudoku.
Morris: Hello….daaahling.
Chloe: Hi Morris, are you drunk? Don't make me make out with you to make sure.
Jack walks into CTU and up to Bill.
Bill: Jack.
Jack: Bill.
Chloe: Hi Jack.
Jack: Hi Chloe.
Morris: Nadia.
Nadia: Morris.
Chloe: Morris?
Morris: What Chloe?
Jack: Morris.
Nadia: Bill!
Bill (on phone): Karen.
Karen (on line): Bill.
Jack: Nadia.
Nadia: Jack.
Chloe: Nadia.
Nadia: Enough already.
Morris: Nadia.
Nadia: That's enough!
Jack: Nadia.
Nadia: SHUT UP!
Chloe: Bill.
Milo: Milo……urk…(dies).
Bill: Okay Jack, we've got a problem and we only have 25 minutes before the hour's up (The time is 7:35:22).
Jack: The assassination attempt on the president this afternoon, I know.
Nadia: Hmm, way too suspicious. All who think Jack's a mole, say I.
Everyone: I!!!
Jack: I…
Nadia: Jack, you weren't supposed to agree with us.
Jack: Oh, right.
Bill: How do you know about the assassination, Jack?
Jack: I got an anonymous tip from…an anonymous call on my cell phone this morning…anonymously….well, almost 40 minutes ago.
Bill: Hmm….we must warn the president!
MEANWHILE AT THE WHITE HOUSE!!!!!!
President Rolando Callahan, Vice President Noah Daniels, Homeland Security Woman Karen Hayes, and Presidential Boy Toy Tom Lennox sit around in the oval office awaiting CTU's phone call about the assassination….wait….um…
Rolando (picking up the ringing phone): Thank you for calling 'The White House', this is the president speaking!
Jack: GET ME THROUGH TO THE PRESI….oh…..uh….hi Mr. President, my name is Jack Bauer you are going to be assassinated at 4:00, so…do whatever it is you do in this situation….that is all click.
Bill: That was sloppy.
Chloe: I'm getting something on my computer….besides porno pop ups.
Bill: What is it?
Chloe: I've hacked into Jack's cell phone and traced the call to an abandoned warehouse 20 miles south of here.
Nadia: How the hell did you do that?!
Jack: Excellent, I'll be off now. Looks like this is going to be the longest day of my life….again.
Nadia: Just get going!
Jack: oh…right.(runs off. The time is 7:49:32)
-INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE-
7:54:11, Jack is driving / Chloe is playing with her food (wherever she got it from) / Milo is alive again / Karen is looking out the window.
Milo (on the phone): Uh, huh….okay. That is bad. click.
Milo walks over to Bill, who isn't doing anything.
Milo: Bill, we've got a problem.
Bill: Other than dead people roaming about…what is it, dead Milo?
Milo: The terrorists have a hostage….I have to tell Jack.
Bill: Hmm, I'm sure it won't distract him from his mission, go ahead!
Milo (calls Jack): Jack….
Jack (driving, on the line): What is it…Milo who's supposed to be dead?
Milo: The terrorists called, they have a hostage; this isn't going to be easy…
Jack: Oh my god! Audrey!
Milo: No…
Jack: Oh my god! Kim!
Milo: No Dammit!
Jack (deadpan): oh no not Kate Warner….
Milo: It's…..Marilyn.
Jack: WHO THE HELL IS MARILYN!?
Milo: You're…sister in law.
Jack: …
Milo: You're dead brother's wife.
Jack: oh…..OH! NO! Not her, I have to go save her?! CRAP!
Milo: Is that bad?
Jack: She's just creepy, and she's always hitting on me….oh this sucks!
Jack opens a book.
Jack (writes while reading aloud): Dear Diary, this is the worst day ever! First, Johnny breaks up with me 2 days before prom, now this!
Milo: Right. Well, I'd probably go rescue her any….erk (falls to the floor, dead).
Nadia (catches the phone) : ..way. So GET TO IT!!!! slam
The scenes shrink down to their own squares at 7:57:22. Nadia is walking over to Bill, how hasn't moved all hour / The President is about to eat breakfast / Jack sure is driving a lot / Chloe plays with her fondue set / Morris eats a snow cone / Milo sits up in a chair and puts a band-aid on his bullet wound.
Jack: Oh my god! Hi Chloe! I see you; you're the bottom left square! I'm the upper right square.
Chloe: That's nice Jack. I'm trying to mess with this fondue. Get back to work.
Jack: This is fun, hey and I see the other cast members too. So Chloe, what's up?
Chloe: About to throw away this fondue set, shouldn't you be working?
Jack: Man, split screen 'real time' stuff is awesome. Hey since you're down there. "I'll take Chloe O'Brien for the block!".
Chloe: Jack, maybe you should quit making 'Hollywood Squares' jokes and pay attention to the road.
Jack: What?
CRASH
His car then gets slammed by a minivan, 9 guys get out of it and grab Jack.
Jack: WHAT I'm being kidnapped, already! You can't do this in the season premiere, this blows! Man, I'm worse than Kim!
Meanwhile, the president is eating his sausage Mcmuffin.
Rolando: Mmm. Good food. munch munch….BLECH! (Passes out on his sandwich).
Tom: Mr. President!!!
Noah and Karen rush in.
Tom: The president's Mcbreakfast has been poisoned! (Those are my only lines this episode, weak!)
Karen: I'll stand here and do nothing!
Noah: I'll call in the joint chiefs to put the 25th amendment in affect so I can finally become president! Oh goody! (he claps his hands then skips away).
Meanwhile at CTU.
Chloe (still wearing her 'Vote For Pedro T-Shirt): Gasp I'm shocked!
Audrey (walks up): Hello everyone, Chloe, get me through to Jack, I must speak with him.
Bill finally moves and goes to the restroom. Morris, Nadia, and Milo look in shock, for some reason. Nadia hands Milo a tissue for his, uh, 'injury'.
7:59:57
7:59:58
7:59:59
8:00:00
-NEXT TIME ON 24: Hour 2-
Jack: Why have you kidnapped me?! I'm just a lonely girl trying to make it in the big city! Let me go!
-AND-
Chloe: Audrey, why are you here?
Audrey: I'm pregnant…
Chloe: Say what?!
-ALSO-
Tom: Who are you!?
Ronald: My name is Ronald Palmer, I'm one of the long lost Palmer siblings, and I'll be the new president.
Karen: Say what?!
Noah: I'm the Vice President, shouldn't I be next in line!
Ronald: ….no.
-AND DON'T FORGET!-
Milo: Na….Nadia….I don't have much time left….
Nadia: Like it matters, you're just going to come back alive in like, 5 seconds.
Morris: No kidding….daaaahling.
Nadia: Will you stop saying that!?
-AND FINALLY-
Jack: Oh…..My…..God…..It….It can't be!
(Gunshot!)
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER OK HOUR OF….24!
Fred: Yay, the season premiere is over!
Sam: Finally. Now let's begin work on hour 2.
Tabitha: There's more?!
Sam: Uh yea….there's 24 episodes, stupid.
Donnie: Super Dee Duper!
Fred: Get out of my office…