Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or taters or any of that nonsense.
This is just the first chapter; further chapters will be much funnier than this.
Chapter One: Concerning Taters
Long, long ago, there was a powerful ruler called Farmer Sauron. Farmer Sauron resided in a giant garden he had built, called Mulchdor. He spent several years quietly farming in Mulchdor, until he become involved in the forces of evil.
Milkor, the powerful, evil milkman, paid a visit to Mulchdor one day. He was so fascinated by Farmer Sauron's superb gardening skills that he decided that garden crops could be used to enslave the free peoples of Center-of-Some-Planet.
Farmer Sauron simply laughed at Milkor's silly ideas and went on with his farming.
But Milkor was insistent. He made Farmer Sauron his apprentice, and taught him all the ways of evil. Soon, Farmer Sauron was corrupted, and went from a being a humble farmer to an evil Dark Farmer.
He soon began to further develop his giant garden of Mulchdor, and filled it with all sorts of terrifying plants and vegetation, until everyone desperately feared it.
"Well done, my young padawan learner- er, I mean, my worthy apprentice," Milkor said, clapping Farmer Sauron happily on the back.
But Farmer Sauron had become so evil, and so power hungry that he no longer wished to be an apprentice. So he tied up Milkor and fed him to his giant venus-flytrap.
Feeling extremely victorious, Farmer Sauron decided that he would take over Center-of-Some-Planet, and exercise complete control over everyone.
But how could he do such a thing? Farmer Sauron paced around his Silo of Doom and thought furiously.
"Aha!" he said. "I shall create a powerful object that all shall bow down to!"
And so Farmer Sauron planted an Evil Seed, and worked and worked in the Soil of Domination. At last, he harvested the fruit of his labors and held it victoriously in the air. "I have grown the One Tater to rule them all!" He then took his potato and held it above the fires of Mount Explodey, boiling all of the goodness out of it. When he was sure that every bit of good had been boiled out of his potato, he held it aloft for all to see.
"What in the world is that diabolical spud that he has?" gasped Gil-galad.
"It looks like an all-powerful potato to me," Elendil replied.
All of the free peoples of Center-of-Some-Planet were enslaved by the One Tater. All of them except a group of Elves and Men who were allergic to potatoes, and therefore had not fallen under its spell. Elendil and Gil-galad marched their armies into Mulchdor, where they fought Farmer Sauron's army of Sporks below Mount Explodey.
"How dare you defy the powers of the Tater!" cried Farmer Sauron. He stroked his One Tater affectionately. "My Tater shall rule the universe!"
"Never!" screamed the Elves and Men defiantly. They believed that the power over a world should not come from something as ridiculous as a potato.
"Then die!" yelled Farmer Sauron. He picked up his giant shovel and whacked at the Elves and Men with it.
"I think we're losing!" cried Elrond hysterically.
"I'll fix that!" declared Elendil. He marched up to Farmer Sauron and attempted to slice him apart. His sword, however, bounced harmlessly off of the Dark Farmer's metal overalls.
"Mwahaha!" cackled Farmer Sauron. He gave Elendil a good solid whack on the head with his shovel, and Elendil crumpled lifeless to the ground.
Isildur gasped. "Nobody whacks my daddy with a shovel and gets away with it!" He charged at Farmer Sauron and chopped off the hand that held the One Tater.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Farmer Sauron. Unlike most people, Farmer Sauron's heart was contained in his right hand, instead of in his ribcage. Due to the loss of his heart, he then blew up and pieces of his metal overalls rained down on some peasants that were innocently bystanding.
"Ow!" screamed the peasants.
"That's the penalty for bystanding!" said Elrond, shaking his fist at the peasants.
Isildur dug through the charred remains of the Dark Farmer and picked up the One Tater. A stupid grin came over his face and he stuffed the Tater in his pocket.
Farmer Sauron's army of Sporks became frightened and ran away, and the army of Elves and Men went home victorious.
The Tater however, was still evil, and it didn't like Isildur at all.
One day, Isildur and a group of other unimportant people were riding to the International Cheese Convention, so they could get in touch with their fellow cheese lovers from all over the world. On the way there, they were ambushed by Sporks.
Isildur, becoming frantic, licked his Tater. Its delicious flavor comforted him slightly. However, as soon as his tongue made contact with the Tater, he became invisible.
At that moment, a Spork accidentally landed on him and knocked him into the river, and the Tater fell out of his hand and fell to the bottom of the water. The invisibility spell soon wore off, and Isildur did not have the Tater to regenerate it.
"Hey, there's a guy in the river!" grunted a Spork. He took out his trusty slingshot and killed Isildur. After a time, all that remained of Isildur was a bunch of bloody clothing. Some hobo later came along and grabbed the clothes.
The Tater lay at the bottom of the river for many many years, becoming soggy and old, and even more evil. The Tater began to lose hope of ever being found, until two Stewers came along. Stewers were similar to Magical Hobs, and they lived in giant stew pots.
"I've got one! I've got a fish, Smeag!" cried Deagol.
The Tater was then very happy, because it found a new owner. It was obtained by Smeagol the Stewer, who became the creature Thingum.
"My tateeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr..." Thingum hissed.
Thingum settled in the mountains, where he and the Tater became roommates. After living with Thingum for many many years, the Tater decided that Thingum was a lousy roommate who never kept their place clean, and so it ran away.
It was then found by a Magical Hob. Bilbo Baggins, of the Pretty Green Secluded Area.
"A tater!" cried Bilbo. He stroked the Tater affectionately and placed it carefully in his shirt pocket. "I've always wanted a tater!"
Bilbo and his Tater fought side-by-side in several adventures together, and the Tater was happy. But evil still lurked within it, and even the cheerfulness of Magical Hobs could not banish that evil...