AN: I know you're all gonna hate me for being such an EO pissy pants but I can't help it. I write when I happy AND when I'm sad. The song is "Bittersweet" by Sara Bareilles. Great frigg'n song! I'm addicted to her CD's right now. If you like chick music- with a hint of Indy sound, you'll love it.
Godsend
Olivia walked out of the hospital doors and looked up at the sky. November was taking its' last cool breath as December's snow storm hung in the thick shapely clouds. She couldn't define how she felt, but she knew something inside of her had changed. Something inside of her was warm and soft. She was accepted. She felt as if she'd finally belonged to something. The trance of being reborn and admitting to pent up realities was not an easy path to take. And there she stood waiting for her feet to catch up with the things she'd just overcome.
Bittersweet seasons. Mistake a warm winter for spring.
Seems like I'm best at leaving when leaving is not the best thing.
You couldn't help it if you needed more than I could give
That's just the way it goes.
Through the grey early night she headed for a cab. Down the sidewalk, past the car lights, and to the edge of Broadway Ave and Home. It seemed like everything she'd felt before this moment was meaningless. All she knew was that if he was her one sweet love and this was the end, it was time well spent.
I call you misplaced but never a waste of my time
Everybody's gonna make mistakes
But you'll never be one of mine
All of the times they'd pushed each other away, and for what? Shame. Jealousy. Pride. That was just their façade, but deep down they both knew that all of those things could never really matter. Olivia opened the door to her building and for a moment the memory of hot tea and concrete stairs brought her to the grief of what could have been.
Flashback
"You hungry? You want to get something to eat?"
"Sounds good. Who's buying?"
"Well you do have four kids and you are getting a divorce, so I guess… you are."
"That's what I thought."
He pulled her from the stairs and they walked to the diner on the corner of Elliot's block. "The Deluxe."
"Fancy," Olivia smiled. She grabbed the door and held it open for him, but he refused to allow it.
"I know you're not much of a lady, but don't scar my ego before we've even had a chance to look at the menu.
"I didn't know your ego was so sensitive."
"There's a lot of things you don't know about me."
She turned and smiled with her signature nose crinkle. "Question is, do I want to know?"
Elliot pulled at the belt loops of his jeans and sniffed with sarcastic pride. "Don't play coy with me, Benson, I know your tricks."
The evening lasted for hours just like this. He'd throw her a line and she'd catch it with ease. When the time came to an end Olivia found herself sleeping on his couch and nervously panicking that she would find herself losing it all. Before the sun could bring light to awkward silence and his morning routine, she folded up the blanket and wrote a quick note. "Thanks for the dinner and your couch. See you at 8. Liv"
A hero to the world. A coward to herself.
You couldn't help it if you needed more than I could give
That's just the way it goes.
I knew you felt me leaving long before I ever did
That's just the way it goes now.
Yet, she had no reason to feel scared of Elliot greeting her past or witnessing her ugly sides. If anybody could handle the real side of Olivia Benson it was him, but again she ran.
Loved me fearless when you needed to
You would not rest till we came through
So God bless and thank you.
Flash to present time.
Olivia closed the glass door to her building and headed to the warmth of her apartment. That fuzzy sick feeling of the beginning of an end was not an unfamiliar condition, but this was the first time she'd welcomed it. She unlocked the door to her unit and stood looking at her empty kitchen living room combo. Thoughts of Kathy and the touch of their child came over her like a warm blanket. All of the regrets she may have felt for loving Elliot washed away when she held his other halves to her heart.
And with that thought of happiness came an overwhelming need to remain a part of it, no matter what form their love was made to be.
There is no anger it's just you and I and the truth
You can try to make us but love will not be forced to bloom. To bloom.
Flashback
"Okay," he breathed, releasing his walls and pulling her closer to his heart than she'd ever been.
And she wouldn't exchange that feeling that he gave her in that one moment for anything in the world.
You couldn't help it if you needed more than I could give
That's just the way it goes.
The only love worth fighting for is one that you can win and
That's just the way it goes now.
Flashback
"So what are you gonna do?"
"What's that suppose to mean," he said to her with disdain.
The door of silence slammed in her face. They were both beginning to build a tolerance to it. And it didn't seem to matter what she did to bring him back, his silence was like thunder and his heart would not sway.
"I'm a big boy, I can handle it."
"Please let me help you," she cried.
You would not break but you could bend
And for love's sake you let love end
But I still swear that you were God sent
Flash back
"How's the baby?"
"Good!"
He was beaming. She could have basked in his light from the other side of the world that's how complete she felt knowing he was happy. And he gazed at her like a teacher would a pupil. Only instead of patting her on the back he fell to her unconditionally, like a child would it's maker.
And you stood before me knowing that the wings i have you gave
And that's just the way it goes
His arms. His comfortable, fitting, strong arms held her so tightly. She would stay in his arms for all of eternity if the world were inclined to allow it. It wasn't about the lose of one sweet love, but the gain of life and all that it brings to you when you're blessed with such friendship.
And I barely have the breath to breathe much less to fly…
Flash to present
Olivia walked over to her dresser and pulled the hidden photo of the two of them out of her drawer. Their first under cover job. Fin clicked the shot just as they playfully grabbed each other in a silly embrace. She walked to the living room and stared at her pictureless apartment. Her lonely famililess apartment.
And a silence entered the room for a one last
"I'm gonna love you," she said to herself as she placed the photo in the center of the coffee table where everybody could see it. For the first time in her life she couldn't find the need to run and she felt whole…complete. Like she'd been given a gift and the gift was hers to keep forever. No questions asked.
So God bless and thank you.
When one's heart can push it's hunger a side for the well being of another's...a true selfless act can be witnessed. Olivia had no anger to hid, and through an act of god or circumstance she willingly accepted the role she was meant to play. She was a true hero for that. A saint. Elliot's dark curtain fell away from her eyes and she was ready to let all of her fears go.
God bless and thank you.
AN: Okay I know I'm just killing all of you shippers out there and I am a tad sorry, but I had to go with the feelings. I'm not against EO or even abadoning the idea of it, but somethings to be said about the choices made last night. It was braver than a kiss.