Right smack dab in the middle of town
I've found a paradise that's trouble proof
And if this world starts getting you down
There's room enough for two
Up on the roof
I ascended the stairs slowly, shoes scuffing loudly on the dust and grit that had been collecting there for decades. There would be no surprising her—if she was up there.
It wasn't easy to get into the old building. Long ago I had lost the vintage key I'd vowed to keep—just in case. I eventually had to bribe a kid from the building with one hundred dollars to let me in and keep his mouth shut.
I shifted the brown paper grocery bag to my left arm, and reached out for the antique brass doorknob on the whitewashed door at the top of the narrow stairwell. The handle turned but the old door was tight in the jamb, sticking at the same corner it always used to do. I nudged it with my right foot, feeling the pressure build before it eventually popped open, sending the door swinging wide.
I crossed the threshold and took in the familiar view. Though several years had passed since I'd last set eyes upon the skyline from this vantage point, it was like nothing had changed. I was glad some things remained the same.
Hesitantly, I looked around. She wasn't here yet. Maybe she wasn't coming at all.
I closed the door behind me, wanting to privatize and contain my embarrassment if she didn't come.
Near the corner where the west and north walls of the building met, there was the old air conditioning unit we'd used as a table more times than I could count. As I set the bag on top of the tarnished silver unit, my watch peeked out from my beneath my jacket sleeve.
6:53.
My heart pounded, I felt sick. What if she doesn't show? I felt hot. Constricted. I pulled my tie loose, tugged it from my neck, and stuffed it in my pocket before returning to unfasten the top few buttons of my dress shirt. I breathed in deeply, taking in lungfulls of dirty city air and coughed. All the more reason to leave this town. I was ready to go. The deep breathing helped relax me a little, but nothing could calm me like Bella's smile.
Bella.
Now that I'd acknowledged her name, the memories rushed and flooded my mind like water racing across the shore to fill the tide pools at the beach back home.
And it hadn't been an easy decision to leave home, to leave Forks, all those years ago, but we wanted something bigger, something worldly. Or, rather, I wanted it, and Bella—my beautiful, innocent girl—had tagged along. We'd been inseparable from the day my family moved to Washington, from the beginning of Ninth Grade through graduation.
Bella had won a scholarship to the University of Illinois at Chicago, a wonderful recognition of her determination, independence, and intelligence. She wouldn't expect her parents to pay her way. Bella's dad was proud of her for making her own way. I had the grades, but I was selfish, lazy, and demanding. My father had paid my way to the University of Chicago Law School.
We had found this ramshackle building—I think my father called it a tenement.
Naturally, moving into an apartment building with so much history attracted some other interesting characters. Jasper and Alice had lived next door, and introduced themselves to us our first night in by bringing over a vegetarian casserole.
They managed the consignment shop at the end of our block, selling secondhand clothes and books. They'd each been kicked out by their parents and made their way up to Chicago where they met one another. They claimed it was love at first sight, and I didn't think it was anything but.
Rosalie Hale was in my pre-law classes, and we'd been brought up in similar ways. Her boyfriend, Emmett, went to college with Bella and was on the baseball team there. He was the kind of guy you'd expect to be a mindless frat boy, the life of the party, but Em just wanted to relax and enjoy each moment of life as it came along.
The six of us had become a motley crew of histories and personalities, but somehow we clicked. Bella had tried to support Alice and Jasper's store by shopping there, and Rosalie had donated all her clothes that were "so last year." Jasper and I had gone to all of Emmett's games, and most weekends we'd end up right here—the roof. Those were always the best nights. We'd drink, smoke, dance, and somebody would always end up shoving a guitar in my hands or Jasper's hands.
Hours later, Bella and I would stumble downstairs and into bed, fumbling with each other under the sheets. We'd fall asleep sweaty and sated.
Those were the best times of my life. But we all eventually grew apart, and I hated to think of that.
I was nervous again and looked at my watch—7:09. She was late. I didn't know whether I should fight against the panic attack that threatened or give into it. A fucking lot was riding on this moment, and I decided to stave it off by rummaging through the brown paper sack, breaking into the six pack. The bottle hissed as I popped off the cap and took a swig. It wasn't piss warm, but it was damn close. I decided as long as I was going to drink, I might as well light up too; it calmed my nerves.
I walked to the corner of the roof, checking my pockets for the partial pack of cigarettes I'd stashed. I found my lighter in my pants pocket, and eventually found the crumpled packet in the pocket of my jacket. My last remaining cigs were mangled, ripped nearly in half, but I wanted the nicotine anyway. I needed to do something while I waited. I realized then, as I lit up and drew the burning, noxious fumes into my lungs, just how pathetic I was. This had been the place where I'd spent the best times of my life, and I was turning it into a pity party for one.
I took another drink and hopped up on the brick ledge to sit. I didn't like thinking of how we'd all eventually gone our separate ways, but sitting here alone made it almost impossible. I knew we would all move on and grow, going our split up in the process. Times change, people change, interests change, but maybe I didn't expect to be affected so much by it. Maybe I hadn't matured as much as I thought I had. No, indeed, I was the epitome of a clichéd Peter Pan; thirty years old, afraid to grow up, drowning my sorrows in a bottle.
Alice and Jasper had left first. Alice's niece was born in Mississippi, and she'd wanted a chance to get to know her and hopefully rekindle a relationship with her family. They ended up in New Orleans, which took them closer to Jasper's family as well. Their move broke Bella's heart, but she understood they did what was best for them. We went down and visited on spring break a couple times, trawling around the French Quarter like vampires until the wee hours of the morning.
Bella had graduated in four years with a teaching degree for English. I was so proud of her. Her parents, and mine, flew in from Washington, and Jasper and Alice drove up from Louisiana to help us celebrate. We had one last big party on the roof with Emmett and Rosalie and some of Bella's classmates. Looking back, I'm not sure if I was naïve, scared, or just selfish to assume she'd keep tagging along with me.
Rosalie and I had two years left of law school, but Emmett graduated the year after Bella with a degree in physical therapy. It was always in their plan to move back to Rosalie's home state of New York, where she was assured of a position representing her father's business interests. Emmett began his search for a job, and by Christmas had found one with a professional football team in New York State. He left after the holidays to start work and find a house.
It was about the same time that Bella and I had had a heart to heart. She'd stayed in Chicago for a year, subbing at high schools across the city, and I thought she liked it. Truthfully, I was so caught up in my own studies that I didn't have much time for her—or our relationship. I wanted to be with her, but it was damn near an impossibility. Between my classes, her job, and my studying every waking hour, I often fell asleep at the library, the couch, my desk. Not quite the ideal life for a young man with everything going for him and the love of his life waiting. Always waiting.
It wasn't that I forgot about her, or didn't want to spend every moment with her; I was just caught up in myself and my studies. I'd forget to ask her how her day was or if she'd begun searching for a job. I had assumed she was happy and that she'd stay with me.
I assumed wrong.
The death rattle of the cigarette extinguishing as it neared the filter caught my attention, and I flicked it away before it could singe my fingertips. The absence of something to hold left my fingers free to fidget. I smoothed my hands over my face, feeling the stubble on my chin. I should have made myself more presentable. My suit was rumpled, and my hair was too long. I turned over my left shoulder to look at the horizon, the outline of the buildings catching my attention. This part of the city was dilapidated, crumbling, defeated—not unlike how I felt. We had let ourselves go in the absence of love and affection, and we had not fared well. I should have taken better care of myself. I should have taken better care of her.
She'd nearly had to make an appointment to see me. I'd mentally scheduled myself one hour to visit and eat together before hitting the books. She'd made my favorite dinner that night, and waited until dessert was almost over before she broke.
"Edward, I want to go home," she'd said.
I had nodded passively, already thinking ahead to Addison vs. Clark*. "For vacation?"
She'd bitten her lip and shook her head. "No, to stay. I miss home. My dad called a while back to tell me Mr. Mason, you know, our old English teacher, was retiring, so I applied. I got the call yesterday—I got the job."
She'd had a hesitant smile on her face, aching for my approval or congratulations, but I had been shocked speechless when the realization dawned that maybe it—maybe we—were over.
"You're leaving me," I'd said. It hadn't been a question, and it had come across more stinging than I'd intended, but I'd begun to feel her absence already. We'd been inseparable for years and now what?
She had swallowed, the smile fading from her face as her gaze fell to the table. "Well, I'm leaving Chicago, but I don't want to leave you. I mean, I'd like to try staying together. You know, like long distance," she'd said.
I'd known it took a lot of courage for her to say it, but all I could think was how hurt I was.
And that had been the beginning of a long, slow, end.
Bella had returned to Forks, and I had stayed behind. We'd tried the distance thing for some time, but my schedule had prevented us from spending much quality time together, even on the phone. We would get together on holiday breaks, but it had always been her coming to me.
Even now I was waiting on her to come to me.
I looked over at the three empty bottles to avoid looking at my watch. She wasn't coming. I'd put a lot of stock and faith in this one instance, but I didn't regret what I had done at work today in preparation for this moment.
After everyone had left Chicago, I stayed behind—never moving, never changing.
Bella and I had tried to keep up a long distance relationship for about a year, but most phone calls ended in tears or arguments. It had been a mutual decision to end things until I could finish law school.
We'd stayed in contact, calling and emailing often. If there was one thing about me and Bella, it was that we couldn't stay apart long. When Rosalie and I had graduated from law school, she flew in and spent the weekend with me. We couldn't stay away from one another, couldn't fight the buzz we caught when we were together. She was addicting, and I could get high off her like nothing—or no one else.
We had tried the long distance thing for a few more months, but when I got the job at a law firm in Chicago—after filling out hundreds of applications—I knew things were cooling off again.
"We just want different things. We're at different places in our lives," she'd said amidst sniffles.
"I know." And I had known. I knew it was my fault. I had placed more importance on myself and my happiness than I did on hers. I had always expected her to tag along, to come to Chicago, and now wasn't any different.
"If we're both still single on the eve of my thirtieth birthday, let's get together at our old building here in Chicago," I'd said via phone on the night of our last breakup. "Let's say…seven."
"Edward, I don't know—" Her voice had broken with emotion, and I had taken the opportunity to interrupt.
"No, just hear me out. A lot can change in a of couple years, Bella. If one of us shows up but not the other, then we'll know they've moved on or they're not interested in pursuing this any longer. It will be an easy let down. We'll assume the other person is happy or involved with someone else."
The thought of her involved with anyone else had eaten away at me since the day I'd uttered those words. Would she live with someone else, fall in love with someone else? I'd always envisioned her as mine.
And evidently she had found those things with someone else. It was 7:41 now. My gut was full of cheap, quickly consumed beer, and I felt sick. Who was he, this imaginary man who made Bella happy? Someone local? From Forks? A teacher at the school? Had she moved? My mother kept me abreast of hometown gossip, but she always kept details about Bella to a minimum – even though I knew she still saw my parents often. Occasionally I could pry something out of my mother – like the night she told me she and Dad had gone to Bella's housewarming party. I couldn't bear to ask if she'd had a "roommate."
I hopped down from the ledge and turned to look out at the city where I'd spent the last twelve years. I had decided earlier that day that I was leaving, whether Bella showed up tonight or not. I was on the cusp of thirty and facing the prospect of starting my life over—with or without the only girl I'd ever loved by my side. But could I return to Forks and be witness to her happiness with someone else? The happiness I couldn't give her because I was a selfish fucker who couldn't see beyond the moment? I couldn't fathom that. Maybe it would be the right kind of justice, but I had no doubt it would kill me. She had been the place I belonged for so long; I couldn't imagine finding that with someone else.
This was it. I had to let Bella go. The very thought was unbearable, let alone the actual process. How would I even begin? How did you stop loving someone?
I was sure it began with finishing off this six pack and then stumbling home after riding the 'L' across town. I could better drown my sorrows in the privacy of my own apartment, away from the place where so many memories rose up though this building to the roof. I grabbed the last bottle, rested my elbows on the ledge, and continued to look out. I listened to the noises all around me: horns honking, trains rattling on their tracks, the wind howling between the buildings. I twisted the top off, flinging the cap over my shoulder.
"Didn't you save one for me?"
Startled by the voice, I spun around, dropping the bottle on the ground. It didn't shatter but the beer spilled, foaming and hissing on the pavement.
Bella.
I stood there, staring at the girl that only moments ago I was trying to convince myself to give up on. I was an idiot; there was no way I could ever give up on her.
Bella lingered near the door, her hands clasped in front of her as she picked at the edge of her fingernail. She was wearing a sundress with a thin sweater, and her hair was twisted into a loose braid. The evening air caught the ends that had worked free from the plait and blew them around her face. She broke her fidget to brush the hairs aside.
"I didn't hear you come up." I winced at my own stupidity. This was the girl of my dreams, and yet I was limited to small talk.
She smiled, her shoulders shaking with contained laughter. "You never did learn how to open that door. If you lift the handle while you swing the door open it doesn't stick."
I took a step closer and stopped abruptly, suddenly unsure of the reason behind her appearance here. Was she here to try again, or to say a final goodbye?
"I didn't think you were coming," I tendered, soaking her in.
Her eyes darted to the ground and her cheeks warmed pink like cherry blossoms. "I didn't either. I almost didn't come. I mean, I wanted to, but I was scared." Her voice sounded pained, nervous.
"Me too, Bella, but—"
"Shh." She interrupted me and looked around the rooftop. "Do you remember that summer Alice bought those lanterns and decorated up here? The first night we turned them on, the wires shorted out and caught fire. We had to break out the extinguisher from the stairwell to put out the fire."
The smile on her face didn't quite reach her eyes, but she moved closer.
"And the night Emmett pissed over the ledge."
I shook my head in disbelief. "That dude was three sheets to the wind when he climbed up on the ledge. He's lucky he didn't lose his balance."
She shivered slightly and wrapped her arms around herself as the smile widened.
"Are you cold?" I asked, closing the distance between us.
We were close. So close now. She had to raise her head to look into my eyes.
"A little."
I quickly shrugged out of my suit jacket and stepped around her, proffering the too large garment. She still smelled like the freesia perfume she'd always worn. I closed my eyes while she slipped her arms into the sleeves, and I let the scent of her burn and coil through me like smoke.
She grabbed the lapels, pulling them up to her face and inhaled. "I've missed you," she admitted, her voice muffled by the fabric. "But that doesn't help us. We're still half a continent apart, still in the same jobs."
I turned her to face me and took her delicate hands in mine. "Bella, I'm ready to go home. I want to go home. There's a position open in the Prosecutor's Office in Clallam County. It would mean a huge pay cut, but I applied for the job."
"But what about your job here?" she asked, weaving her fingers through mine.
"I gave my notice. This morning. Bella, I forced you to compromise for so many years. We always had to do things my way, and I'm sorry. I don't want things to be like that anymore."
She let go of my hands and began pacing, her sandals digging in to the dirt and gravel with a crunch each time she turned around. "You can't want Forks just because I want it, Edward," she said, gesturing to herself. "It won't work. You'll resent it—and me, and we'll be in the same place we were a few years ago. One of us will be happy and the other will be confined, bored."
The confirmation that she'd felt that way about her time in Chicago hit me hard. I knew she'd sacrificed a lot for me, but I had no idea she begrudged it so much. "I know, but I'm ready to go home now. I'm tired of Chicago. I'm tired of catching a train to work every day, I'm tired of corporate law, I hate living in an apartment instead of a house, and I hate living alone. I miss you, and I miss my parents. For that reason, I quit even before I knew whether or not you'd be here tonight. I didn't want the decision to be yours; I wanted it to be mine. I know it's a lot to take in, and I don't want you to feel pressured. If you don't want to be my girl again, it's okay, just tell me the truth."
She stopped pacing and turned to face me as tears came unbidden to her eyes. "I always want to be your girl, but there's so much riding on this."
My heart pounded and my palms were clammy. I couldn't bear the distance between us anymore. In two strides I was in front of her, and I took her in my arms, drawing her to my chest. "I'm so sorry, love." She wove her arms around my neck and sobbed into my shirt as my hands smoothed over her hair. I closed my eyes and kissed her temples. "I'm sorry. I'll change, I promise. I am changing. I don't want to make decisions for both of us anymore. But if you don't want this, I'll love you no matter what. I just want you to be happy."
She cried harder for a moment before turning her face up to meet mine. "You know I'll always love you. There's never been anyone else for me. Are you really moving back home? Are we really doing this?"
A laugh broke through her sobs now, and I realized tears were burning at the corners of my eyes too. "Yes, but we don't have to rush into anything. We can date and get to know one another again. You know, take things slow."
I felt instant relief. All tension was gone from my body. I could commit to this; I would commit to this for her, for us. It would be a change, but I had to learn that change wasn't always bad. My life now held excitement and possibility.
"I already know you, but dating might be nice," she admitted shyly. She laughed again and wiped the tears from her cheeks.
I took her face in my hands, fighting every urge I had to kiss her. We'd just agreed to take things slow, but she was still my Bella.
"I know I just agreed to date you, but I'm dying to kiss you. May I?" My thumb caressed her lips, and I felt her shiver in response. If she said no, I would be content so long as I could continue to touch her.
Her cheeks were red from crying, but I knew she was blushing underneath. "Yes, it seems like the perfect way to celebrate."
I didn't hesitate to lower my lips to hers, parting the silky veneer with my tongue. She pushed up on her tiptoes and threaded her fingers through my hair as she tugged me closer. The kiss was passionate, eager, and I wanted so much more.
I regrettably tore away, letting my forehead rest against hers as our breath mingled and we fought for personal control once again. "When I think of how close I came to missing you tonight, it terrifies me. I was going to finish my beer and leave," I panted. I didn't think you were coming."
"I'm sorry," she breathed, nuzzling her nose against my cheek. "My flight from Seattle was delayed, and I had to bribe some kid with a hundred bucks to let me in."
I shook my head; it didn't matter now. She was mine again, and I was always hers. I would walk her back to her hotel tonight, kiss her goodbye at her door, and call her before I'd even reached the elevator to talk to her until we could fall asleep that night. I would begin my birthday...the next year of my life...the rest of my life the way it should be…the way it always should have been. I would take her out for breakfast tomorrow, on our first date. Within a few weeks or a month I hoped to be back home with her. Where I belonged.
*A reference to the Anita Blake series, and the only "legislation" I could find pertaining to vampires. An homage to Twilight canon, if you will.
Author's Note: Epic thank you to Circa1918 for the beta. Any remaining mistakes are mine.
Written for the Fic_A_Pic contest here on fanfic, I'll post a link on my info page, but please go read and support the talents of the other authors too!
The song rec for this piece would be "Up on the Roof" by James Taylor and Carole King. :-)