A/N: Hi, y'all. This'll be a series of four non-related alternate universe one-shots, focusing on Kakashi, Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto. The introduction is set in the same 'universe' as my other story "Your Souls Belong to Science," making it sort of a spin-off, but it's not necessary to read it. It's just a fun segue and each shot can otherwise stand by itself.
The chapters will be as follows…
1. Icha Icha Goddesses
2. Detective Uchiha and the Mystery of the Haunted Hotel
3. Saint Sakura
4. The Great Rokudaime
Onward!
I. Where are we?
The four original members of Team Seven stood at the center of a large, bustling laboratory, looking distinctly uncomfortable as they stared at the holographic image of a disembodied floating head.
Kakashi was slumping again. "Ah... do we have to?"
"Yes," The floating head stared back at him.
"And it's totally safe?"
"Of course."
"I thought you said this was experimental."
"Aperture Science's laboratory testing facilities are completely risk-free and fully operational. You will not be harmed as long as you follow test protocol."
Naruto glared at the hologram. "That's what you said last time!"
"Yeah, and Sasuke-kun still can't walk straight," Sakura added.
The laboratory associate cleared his throat. "Sasuke did not follow test protocol."
Team Seven followed the floating head towards the directed area, and Sasuke tripped on the edge of a protruding desk. They pretended not to notice.
The group stopped in front of four identical portals with bright blue lights emanating from the openings.
The associate inclined his head towards the portals. "These are our Aperture Science Experimental Dimensions Doorways, developed in conjunction with Lain, Inc. The mechanics themselves are quite complex, but to put it simply, after a detailed personality inventory and statistical analysis, these portals are designed to sift through and identify alternate universes in which a particular person would be most content." Noting their blank expressions, he continued, "In other words, these doors will lead you to a world that fulfills your heart's desires."
"Hm, that doesn't sound too bad." Kakashi relaxed slightly. "As long as we're not going to be electrocuted, or lost in time, or set on fire, or trapped in another hell dimension..."
The Aperture Science associate ignored him.
He shifted nervously.
"Don't worry. Aperture Science takes very good care of its experimental test subjects. We have the highest survival rate out of all the top-rated maniacal, A.I. run facilities." He smiled vacantly. "Just go through the portals if you want to live. We'll be monitoring your vitals."
Kakashi, Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto stepped up towards each door and on the count of three, entered the portals simultaneously.
II. Icha Icha Goddesses
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Kakashi groaned and buried his face deeper into his pillow, willing the noise to stop.
No luck. The alarm was still loudly blaring in the background. Eventually he'd figure out how to develop the ability to telepathically shut off his ungodly annoying clock, but alas, today was not that day.
He threw his arm out in the general direction of the unwelcome noise before vaguely remembering that he had moved his nightstand and alarm out of reach for that very reason.
Kakashi groggily opened his eyes, sat up and glanced around the room. Double bed. Full window, tacky curtains. Decent sized armoire. Huge mahogany bookcase that took up the entire wall across from him (his one splurge). In the corner, a matching desk with a fairly new laptop sitting on it, closed shut and charging.
Yep, same sight he saw every morning. Such was the life of a single working-class man.
Standing up and wincing as his back painfully cracked-ah, the wonders of aging-Kakashi hunched over and firmly shut the alarm off.
11:03 A.M.
Huh. He could have sworn he set it for three hours earlier.
Oh well.
Sluggishly hobbling towards his corner desk, he noticed the answering machine blinking repeatedly. Twenty missed calls and one message. Kakashi pressed 'play' and wearily closed his eyes. That could only be one person...
"Oye, Kakashi-sensei! Where the hell are you?! I forgot my keys to the garage this morning and I knocked but nobody was there! I had to wait for Sasuke to get in at nine. You're still gonna pay me for the hour I sat outside, right? Anyway..."
Kakashi sighed.
"Bad news. Remember that old Honda that needed an oil change? Well... I kinda sorta thought we were supposed to do an engine repair, and now it's not running at all. I'm sorry! I know you told me not to mess with stuff on my own, but you're supposed to be training me and you're never here, and Sasuke's a total bastard... Please don't fire me! I swear I'll do better next time! Sasuke tried to fix it up, and we sorta did, but... well, you better come in."
Kakashi ran his fingers through his mop of grey hair. He could already feel the beginnings of a headache starting to form.
Note to self: do not offer an apprenticeship to the worst student in your automotive repair class, no matter what he tries to bribe you with.
Sure, Naruto was a nice kid, and he even had a few moments of pure genius in the shop, but for the most part it was a hassle. Naruto's new life goal seemed to revolve around pissing off his service technician, and the bickering Kakashi had to endure every day was enough to drive even the stoniest man to tears.
Kakashi opened the desk drawer and carefully pulled out a pale blue book. Large black letters splayed across the front read "Icha Icha Goddess." Special edition. Signed by the author. Only a handful of copies in existence.
Ah, who was he kidding? It was totally worth it.
After meandering through his apartment, stopping somewhere for lunch and spending an hour at the nearby pet shop wondering if he should adopt a pug from one of the newest litters, Kakashi eventually showed up at the garage.
His automotive technician and apprentice were both diligently working on different cars. Naruto was muttering to himself under his breath-he always did that while working-as Sasuke threw out directions coupled with insults, along with the occasional backhanded compliment that went over Naruto's head."Kakashi-sensei!"
"I'm not your teacher anymore, Naruto. I'm your boss. Now show me what horrible mess you've made this time."
"Eheheh…"
The sun had set long before Kakashi threw open the door to his apartment. Exhausted and thoroughly sore everywhere, he wandered through to the kitchen.
Although working as a technician and operating an independently owned garage was rewarding, it was also physically demanding. Kakashi also taught several autotech classes at the community college level, but had recently decided to take a few semesters off. Ever since Sasuke had received his associates degree and official license, Kakashi had been unable to con him into picking up half of the class workload. It was a real shame.
Kakashi opened the door to the fridge and hesitantly peered inside. There was half a gallon of milk, a jar of tomato sauce, strawberry jam and a few tupperware containers in the back that had been there for longer than he cared to remember. He wasn't quite brave enough to open them yet. Maybe next weekend..?
He moved to check the pantry. Shit. Out of ramen. He knew he should have gone to the grocery store on the way home... The cabinet was mostly empty aside from a half-eaten container of peanut butter. Well, he could just mix peanut butter and jelly in a bowl, but dammit, he had that last night for dinner.
Take-out it was, then.
Returning to his bedroom, Kakashi slumped down into his desk chair and picked up the phone. He grabbed Icha Icha with his free hand and opened to a random page while he dialed.
"Thank you for calling Ichiraku Ramen. Our business hours are from 10:00am to 9:00pm…"
Damn it, was it really after 9pm? How had he stayed out so late? Maybe it was because he hadn't shown up to work until after 1pm... Oh well. Pizza Palace was probably still open.
The number should be saved on his phone... There it was. Kakashi pressed a button, and the line began ringing.
"Good evening. You have reached the Goddess Helpline."
"Yeah, I'd like.. wait, the what?"
"The Goddess Helpline," the cheerful, feminine voice sounded eerily clear over the phone.
"Ah... I think I may have dialed the wrong number. Unless you happen to serve pizza..?"
There was a thoughtful pause. "You have reached the Goddess Helpline," the girl repeated for a third time.
The Goddess What? Kakashi grimaced. Oh no, he hadn't dialed that phone sex line on accident again, had he? He could have sworn he remembered to take it off speed dial.
"One moment, I shall stop by for a consultation and take your request in perso-"
Kakashi heard a loud bang over the phone, followed by a series of indiscernible scratching noises.
"Sakura! What did I tell you about answering the hotline phone!" a deeper female voice yelled in the background. "Shizune's on duty. It's not your turn to be granting wishes."
"But Tsunade..."
Wait, wish? What wish?
"Oh, I'm so sorry! I completely forgot about you!" The first voice returned to the phone.
Had he said that out loud...?
"Kakashi Hatake. What is your heart's greatest desire?"
Yep, this was definitely the phone sex line. Kakashi sighed. And they started billing the minute you called, too. "Look, not that I don't appreciate you lovely ladies, but I was actually just trying to order pizza..."
The girl's voice perked up. "Order pizza? Is that what your heart desires most?"
"Um..." Kakashi's stomach growled audibly. "It's what my stomach desires most..? You haven't started charging me, have you?"
"Of course not!" the female gasped.
"Oh, good."
"Sakura! I said get off the damned phone! Put him on hold or something!"
Several loud thumps echoed over the line. Kakashi leaned into the phone and continued to lethargically leaf through his copy of Icha Icha Goddess. He should probably hang up soon. What if the pizza place closed at ten?
He heard Sakura whine, "Why can't I do it? I'm old enough to! I may be second class, but I'm first category and my license covers it. When am I going to get more responsibilities?"
"I don't know! Maybe when your breasts are as big as mine."
Kakashi's attention snapped back onto the phone conversation.
"But Tsunaaaade, that's never going to happen. No one's breasts are as big as yours!" He could practically see her pouting seductively over the phone. "And mine are larger than Shizune's, anyway."
"Poor girl," Tsunade sounded regretful. "Maybe she'll get lucky and someone will wish her up a cup size or three."
"Hmmmm..." Kakashi mused.
Tsunade had grabbed the phone. "I apologize for our complete lack of customer service. Shizune will be back any second now. Ignore my younger sister. We're technically not supposed to grant wishes since we're only second class."
Kakashi had no idea what that meant, but at this point he didn't really care. "Only second class? What a shame. You both sound first class to me."
"Oh, that's so sweet!" Sakura piped in.
"Am I on speaker phone..?"
He heard more shuffling.
"Oh goodness!" A new voice spoke. "I am so sorry about that. Normally I'd do this in person, but... Let me introduce myself. I am the Goddess Shizune."
"You're a goddess?" Kakashi blinked.
"I am."
"Ah, it's finally happened," he rubbed his forehead wearily. "I've let myself starve to death."
Shizune ignored him. "I have answered the call of one Mr. Kakashi Hatake. As a first class Goddess, it is my duty to come to those in great distress and assist those who have earned the right to receive Heaven's Grace."
"Ah... huh?" He half heard her as he flipped one of the pages in his book. These hotlines were really getting creative nowadays.
"What I mean to say is that I can grant any wish you have. However, keep in mind that you will be allowed only one. Now then, please tell me your heart's desire. If you'd like, I can be there in person shortly."
"I don't think that will be necessary..."
Maybe this wasn't really a hotline after all. Naruto was a practical joker, wasn't he? Kakashi wouldn't put it past him to do something weird like this. He might as well play along.
Kakashi was just about to wish for a never-ending amount of Icha Icha sequels when his eyes caught sight of the page he had turned to. There was a man reclining on a golden chair, with three scantily clad women surrounding him. One was feeding him grapes, while the other two massaged various parts of his body.
It's not like it was real, anyway, right?
Kakashi nodded decisively to himself. "Well then, if you insist: I wish for the three of you to stay by my side forever."
There was silence on the other end.
Then Shizune said, "I'm pleased to inform you that your wish has been approved and the contract has been finalized. We will be there shortly." There was a click, and the line went dead.
Kakashi had only just started sifting through one of his desk drawers to look for his address book (to find the real Pizza Palace number) when a brilliant flash of light beamed through his room, effectively blinding him. As soon as his head stopped spinning and his eyes adjusted to the light, he realized he was face to face with three beautiful women (who looked nothing like sisters, he later thought).
He jerked backwards in his chair, causing it to topple over and into the wall. Kakashi fell back with it, hit his head on the edge of the desk, and was promptly knocked unconscious.
When he came to, the three Goddesses were crouched next to him and staring at him curiously. Kakashi surprised himself by reacting rather calmly to the situation.
"Hello," he said.
"Hello, Kakashi." Shizune smiled back. "We're here to stay by your side forever."
Two hours of repeating themselves later, the three goddesses had finally started to convince him that they were quite serious. It was slowly starting to sink in that yes, they were real bona fide goddesses, and yes, his wish had in fact been granted.
The four of them had relocated to his living room, where Kakashi was sitting hunched over on the couch, absently staring at the empty pizza box in front of him. (Sakura had taken it upon herself to order him some food, since the man seemed too dazed to do it himself.)
"So you're really goddesses?"
The three women nodded.
"And you're going to stay with me forever?"
Three more nods.
"Like… here forever?"
Okay, so it still hadn't quite sunk in. They were working on it.
"And you'll cook me breakfast every morning?" Kakashi was asking.
"Yes," Shizune laughed quietly.
"And you'll do my laundry?"
She nodded.
"And clean my bathroom? And give me back rubs? And foot rubs? And feed me grapes? And read Icha Icha to me every night as I fall asleep, and possibly re-enact some of the more titillating scenes?"
Shizune shook her head patiently, smiling at every request. Sakura looked nonplussed but was also nodding in agreement, determined to outdo her and prove that she was totally ready to earn her first class license, age be damned. Tsunade just looked bored.
"That's perfect. So…" He scratched his head. "There's not a lot of room here…"
Kakashi frowned and eyed his surroundings thoughtfully. His apartment wasn't really that big, although he supposed his lease was up soon, and he could probably afford a new one…
He glanced at the empty pizza box on the coffee table. "Do Goddesses have to eat?"
"No. We can, but we don't have to."
Tsunade added, "We don't require regular human nutrition, but we will need sustenance to replenish our energy. Speaking of which, do you have any sake?"
"..You replenish your energy with sake," Kakashi repeated slowly.
"Yes," Tsunade looked annoyed.
Great. He was stuck in a cramped one-room apartment with three alcoholic goddesses.
"Actually, I replenish my energy with ice cream," Sakura chirped.
"Please stop reading my mind…" He leaned back into the couch and let his head fall over the side of the cushion. "I guess I should take you three to a hotel or something. You can't really sleep here…"
"Oh no, we couldn't possibly leave," Shizune's eyes widened. "We have to stay by your side. Forever."
Kakashi shuddered and suddenly wondered if this really counted as a fantasy. He was a solitary man, after all, and this wish was a whole lot less x-rated than he initially imagined. Apparently staying by his side forever meant literally just standing next to him.
Damn... didn't they come with money? It was kind of a pain. But...
"Hey, how much do you know about cars?" he asked.
Kakashi was one of the best master technicians around. He was picky with customers and even pickier with his employees (apprentices aside). That being said, his career had gone surprisingly well. Kakashi was recommended customers with unusual car troubles, and he stuck with diagnosing and repairing the tough cases while Sasuke dealt with general maintenance. Kakashi had thought about expanding and accepting more jobs, but then Naruto came... Kakashi wasn't the greatest teacher, and as much as he loved his job, sometimes he just didn't feel like working.
"Kakashi, your lunch is ready!" Shizune walked out from the breakroom. "I prepared all of your favorite dishes! There's enough for your employees, too, of course!"
Kakashi stretched his back, and this time when it popped, the sensation was oddly satisfying. He was currently lounging on a couch positioned in the far corner of the shop, watching his new employees hard at work next to his old technicians. "Supervising" as he liked to call it.
And just how much did the goddesses know about cars?
A lot, it turned out. Sakura was a certified mechanical genius, and Shizune and Tsunade were quick learners. Not only were they good workers, but Sakura and Tsunade had also taken it upon themselves to teach Naruto the tricks of the trade for him, and the blonde brat was learning twice as fast out of the sheer desire to avoid Sakura's fists. The Goddesses got three times as much work done as he normally would have, and the best part? He didn't have to pay them.
Kakashi finished up his lunch, returned to his position on the sofa and opened up Icha Icha Goddess.
Yep. This was the life.
A/N: Next up: Saaasukeeeee-kuuuuun.