Love Hina: Showdown
By Lord LeChuck the Wonder Writter
A fanfiction
Disclaimer: This belongs to someone else. Yeah.
Note: This diverges, at some point in the anime. I haven't seen it in a while, so I'm not sure where. But you'll know it when you see it.
----------------------------------------------------------
It was meant to be someone else's life.
That was all he could think of, as he toiled underneath the merciless sun. The surface before him was a glorified grill, or perhaps a griddle. It was uneven, true, which would make it improper for cooking.
But cooking was not the goal.
The goal was torture.
Sighing, he sloughed another layer of sweat from his forehead with the back of his wrist, and readied the scrubbing brush for another sweep of the hot spring. His blistered and aching hands whimpered muted protests, but that small part of his mind already knew that protesting, or stopping ... that would bring worse and truer pain upon him.
"Are you done yet?" one of the Voices from within taunted him. "We want to take a bath, Keitaro-baka!"
"Oi, oi!" he called back, "just a minute! I'm almost finished."
Sighing, he put his back into it, and began to scrub in earnest once more.
"This is someone else's life, not mine," he groaned. But then ... if it was someone else's life, someone else was missing out on a chance to scope out some pretty hot chicks.
Grinning, he shook his head. "Ain't so bad," he reasoned.
***
"Hmm," Keitaro noised, looking between his work book, and the book of equations. "I dunno," he said slowly. "I'm not sure I understand this."
"You simply solve for 'x', Kei-kun," Mutsumi assured him, smiling genially across the table.
"How am I supposed to do that?" Keitaro complained. "I did it five pages ago, and then they changed it!"
Naru growled wordlessly at him across the table.
"Gomen," Keitaro said, ducking his head. "Just trying to be funny."
Naru's follow-up growl was slightly forgiving.
"Ah, I think I've got it," Mutsumi said, laying out the workbook in front of her. "Is this right?"
"I think it is," Keitaro said after a moment, examining her equation. "Narusegawa?"
Naru growled more deeply.
"You could have a point," Keitaro conceded. "Let's run the equation backwards with Mutsumi's solution to check it." A few moments passed, with Mutsumi looking between Naru and Keitaro, while he scribbled on a piece of scratch paper. "There we go. Mmm.... Looks like you got it, Otohime-chan. Sorry, Narusegawa, this is the solution."
"WAGE~!" Naru snapped, reaching across the table to slug Keitaro across the face. The manager screamed as he was thrown across the room, shattering a bookshelf and indenting a wall.
Growling, Naru surged to her feet, and stalked from the room.
"Ara, ara," Mutsumi noised. "What was that all about? Where is Naru-chan going?"
"I think she's going to her room," Shinobu suggested.
"Is that so?" Mutsumi asked. "Which room is this one?"
After a moment, Shinobu admitted, "I'm not sure."
"And where did you come from?"
(AN: Whoops! Time for a scene change.)
***
Staggering from the ruined room he'd never seen before, Keitaro briefly mused, "Why can I never figure out exactly what's going on here?"
"Urashima!" Motoko shrieked from the top of the stairs.
"Stairs?" Keitaro asked, blinking at the steps before him. "Where did those--URK~!"
Whatever else he was going to say was cut off by the sound of a sword being driven through his second and third ribs. Instead, he managed, "Motoko-chan, that hurts!"
"Urashima?" Motoko asked.
"Well, yes, but--"
There was a creaking and a splintering noise, as the sword was twisted by the uncaring and mean kendoka, widening the wound and shattering the ribs on either side of the initial strike point. "URASHIMA!"
"Motoko-chan, this is really unbecoming for a young lady."
The sword was removed from his abdomen, and brutally shoved through his chest again and again. "Urashima! Urashima Urashima Urashima!"
"Look," Keitaro burbled out through the blood that had now flooded the kitchen. "I've got to get back to studying, okay?"
"Urashima," Motoko said petulantly, kicking Keitaro as she drew her sword and walked away, pouting.
His life ebbing away from him, Keitaro sighed. "She sure is mean," he would have said.
Instead, it came out as something like, "Man, I could use a cold beer right now."
Upon hearing this, Naru approached, shouted, "WAGE~!" and then all became as darkness.
***
That was it. His entire life was a macrocosm of pain and hatred heaped on him by uncaring and unkind women.
I WIN AGAIN, LEWS THERIN.
He struggled, he fought, he worked himself to the bone to try and make them happy, and it was never enough. Never, ever, ever enough.
I WIN AGAIN, LEWS THERIN.
He could have plated the entire inn in gold, and hired manservants by the dozens to wait on them hand and foot, and it would still not be enough to satisfy those women and their desires. No, not women. Harridans.
I WIN AGAIN, LEWS THERIN.
In fact, he could die, and they'd probably throw a party.
I WIN AGAIN... LEWS THERIN.
He could see it in his minds-eye right then -- the party being put together.
UM, LOOK, ARE YOU LEWS THERIN, OR NOT?
Konno Mitsune, AKA Kitsune would already be plastered, and awaiting the arrival of more drinks. Suu would be selfishly thinking of bananas and another test-subject to try out her latest invention on.
SOOOOOO.... THAT'D BE A 'NO', RIGHT?
Naru and Motoko would be themselves, of course, sexy, perhaps, but only to people who were dumb, as no one could find the living portals to the planes of elemental man-hate attractive. Duh.
UM, THIS IS KIND OF EMBARASSING.
There they were, celebrating his recent passing, and ... NO! He couldn't let them win like that!
YOU, AH, WON'T MIND IF I JUST SHOW MYSELF OUT, WILL YOU?
He had to live. He had to avenge ... not just himself. Not just the men of the day. But every living being that was proud to bear both a Y chromosome and their own Mr. Happy in their pants!
OF COURSE YOU WON'T.
Even futanari-girls deserved to be avenged.
SO, UM, SEE YOU AROUND.
He had to stop the evil within Hintata-Sou before it could spread and destroy the world.
OKAY, THIS IS EVEN MORE EMBARASSING, BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND MY WAY OUT.
Except for Shinobu-chan, of course. She was cute, and perfect in every way.
SO, HELP A BROTHER OUT, HUH?
Except for sexually, because Keitaro was not into that pedophilia stuff.
...RIGHT. THE WAY OUT?
Now Haruka, on the other hand, was a merciful and loving aunt, and she only ever slammed him through floors or kicked him insensate in jest.
OH, FOR THE LOVE OF--
Right. So, Shinobu, good. Haruka, better. All the other girls?
WILL YOU JUST SNAP OUT OF THE FREAKING COMA ALREADY?
They needed to be taught a little bit of a ... lesson.
IS IT FINALLY OVER?
He just needed the willpower to pull through.
RIGHT. FINE. WHATEVER. I AIN'T HOLDING YOU BACK. IT'S WAKEY-WAKEY TIME, SO MAKE WITH THE 'LEAVE ME OUT OF IT ALREADY'-NESS.
***
In Keitaro's room, at his bedside, Shinobu knelt, carefully tending to the wounds. As she worked, she sang a soothing song: "The ankle bone's connected to the ... um ... leg bone. The leg bone's connected to the -- ooh, neither femur broke today!"
Breaking from the song to hum tunelessly, she finished her work, and when it was done, Keitaro lay on the bed, unmoving.
"Keitaro-sempai?" she asked in a wavering voice.
His eyes opened instantly. There were no transition frames, they simply switched from fully closed to fully open.
"Auugh!" Shinobu exclaimed, leaping upward in alarm.
"Shinobu-chan?" Keitaro asked, staring fixedly upward, and not moving a muscle.
"Hai?" she asked tremulously, sinking back to her kneeling position at his side.
"Something's different about this time, isn't it?"
"Um...."
"I can handle it," he said stoically.
"Um, Keitaro, the internal bleeding's taken care of, and everything was put on ice, so we could but it back on, but...."
"But?" he asked, his eyes finally moving to fix on Shinobu's directly. His gaze softened, and he spoke again. "What is it, Shinobu-chan?"
"Your appendix was aggravated, and it had to be removed," she said quietly, looking away from him tearfully. "Gomen, Keitaro-sempai."
"I see," he said quietly, his eyes drifting shut, tears forming under the lids.
"Everything's going to be okay, right?" Shinobu asked anxiously. "Right?"
"Absolutely everything," Keitaro agreed.
----------------------------------------------------------
AN: Just wait til' chapter two!
By Lord LeChuck the Wonder Writter
A fanfiction
Disclaimer: This belongs to someone else. Yeah.
Note: This diverges, at some point in the anime. I haven't seen it in a while, so I'm not sure where. But you'll know it when you see it.
----------------------------------------------------------
It was meant to be someone else's life.
That was all he could think of, as he toiled underneath the merciless sun. The surface before him was a glorified grill, or perhaps a griddle. It was uneven, true, which would make it improper for cooking.
But cooking was not the goal.
The goal was torture.
Sighing, he sloughed another layer of sweat from his forehead with the back of his wrist, and readied the scrubbing brush for another sweep of the hot spring. His blistered and aching hands whimpered muted protests, but that small part of his mind already knew that protesting, or stopping ... that would bring worse and truer pain upon him.
"Are you done yet?" one of the Voices from within taunted him. "We want to take a bath, Keitaro-baka!"
"Oi, oi!" he called back, "just a minute! I'm almost finished."
Sighing, he put his back into it, and began to scrub in earnest once more.
"This is someone else's life, not mine," he groaned. But then ... if it was someone else's life, someone else was missing out on a chance to scope out some pretty hot chicks.
Grinning, he shook his head. "Ain't so bad," he reasoned.
***
"Hmm," Keitaro noised, looking between his work book, and the book of equations. "I dunno," he said slowly. "I'm not sure I understand this."
"You simply solve for 'x', Kei-kun," Mutsumi assured him, smiling genially across the table.
"How am I supposed to do that?" Keitaro complained. "I did it five pages ago, and then they changed it!"
Naru growled wordlessly at him across the table.
"Gomen," Keitaro said, ducking his head. "Just trying to be funny."
Naru's follow-up growl was slightly forgiving.
"Ah, I think I've got it," Mutsumi said, laying out the workbook in front of her. "Is this right?"
"I think it is," Keitaro said after a moment, examining her equation. "Narusegawa?"
Naru growled more deeply.
"You could have a point," Keitaro conceded. "Let's run the equation backwards with Mutsumi's solution to check it." A few moments passed, with Mutsumi looking between Naru and Keitaro, while he scribbled on a piece of scratch paper. "There we go. Mmm.... Looks like you got it, Otohime-chan. Sorry, Narusegawa, this is the solution."
"WAGE~!" Naru snapped, reaching across the table to slug Keitaro across the face. The manager screamed as he was thrown across the room, shattering a bookshelf and indenting a wall.
Growling, Naru surged to her feet, and stalked from the room.
"Ara, ara," Mutsumi noised. "What was that all about? Where is Naru-chan going?"
"I think she's going to her room," Shinobu suggested.
"Is that so?" Mutsumi asked. "Which room is this one?"
After a moment, Shinobu admitted, "I'm not sure."
"And where did you come from?"
(AN: Whoops! Time for a scene change.)
***
Staggering from the ruined room he'd never seen before, Keitaro briefly mused, "Why can I never figure out exactly what's going on here?"
"Urashima!" Motoko shrieked from the top of the stairs.
"Stairs?" Keitaro asked, blinking at the steps before him. "Where did those--URK~!"
Whatever else he was going to say was cut off by the sound of a sword being driven through his second and third ribs. Instead, he managed, "Motoko-chan, that hurts!"
"Urashima?" Motoko asked.
"Well, yes, but--"
There was a creaking and a splintering noise, as the sword was twisted by the uncaring and mean kendoka, widening the wound and shattering the ribs on either side of the initial strike point. "URASHIMA!"
"Motoko-chan, this is really unbecoming for a young lady."
The sword was removed from his abdomen, and brutally shoved through his chest again and again. "Urashima! Urashima Urashima Urashima!"
"Look," Keitaro burbled out through the blood that had now flooded the kitchen. "I've got to get back to studying, okay?"
"Urashima," Motoko said petulantly, kicking Keitaro as she drew her sword and walked away, pouting.
His life ebbing away from him, Keitaro sighed. "She sure is mean," he would have said.
Instead, it came out as something like, "Man, I could use a cold beer right now."
Upon hearing this, Naru approached, shouted, "WAGE~!" and then all became as darkness.
***
That was it. His entire life was a macrocosm of pain and hatred heaped on him by uncaring and unkind women.
I WIN AGAIN, LEWS THERIN.
He struggled, he fought, he worked himself to the bone to try and make them happy, and it was never enough. Never, ever, ever enough.
I WIN AGAIN, LEWS THERIN.
He could have plated the entire inn in gold, and hired manservants by the dozens to wait on them hand and foot, and it would still not be enough to satisfy those women and their desires. No, not women. Harridans.
I WIN AGAIN, LEWS THERIN.
In fact, he could die, and they'd probably throw a party.
I WIN AGAIN... LEWS THERIN.
He could see it in his minds-eye right then -- the party being put together.
UM, LOOK, ARE YOU LEWS THERIN, OR NOT?
Konno Mitsune, AKA Kitsune would already be plastered, and awaiting the arrival of more drinks. Suu would be selfishly thinking of bananas and another test-subject to try out her latest invention on.
SOOOOOO.... THAT'D BE A 'NO', RIGHT?
Naru and Motoko would be themselves, of course, sexy, perhaps, but only to people who were dumb, as no one could find the living portals to the planes of elemental man-hate attractive. Duh.
UM, THIS IS KIND OF EMBARASSING.
There they were, celebrating his recent passing, and ... NO! He couldn't let them win like that!
YOU, AH, WON'T MIND IF I JUST SHOW MYSELF OUT, WILL YOU?
He had to live. He had to avenge ... not just himself. Not just the men of the day. But every living being that was proud to bear both a Y chromosome and their own Mr. Happy in their pants!
OF COURSE YOU WON'T.
Even futanari-girls deserved to be avenged.
SO, UM, SEE YOU AROUND.
He had to stop the evil within Hintata-Sou before it could spread and destroy the world.
OKAY, THIS IS EVEN MORE EMBARASSING, BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND MY WAY OUT.
Except for Shinobu-chan, of course. She was cute, and perfect in every way.
SO, HELP A BROTHER OUT, HUH?
Except for sexually, because Keitaro was not into that pedophilia stuff.
...RIGHT. THE WAY OUT?
Now Haruka, on the other hand, was a merciful and loving aunt, and she only ever slammed him through floors or kicked him insensate in jest.
OH, FOR THE LOVE OF--
Right. So, Shinobu, good. Haruka, better. All the other girls?
WILL YOU JUST SNAP OUT OF THE FREAKING COMA ALREADY?
They needed to be taught a little bit of a ... lesson.
IS IT FINALLY OVER?
He just needed the willpower to pull through.
RIGHT. FINE. WHATEVER. I AIN'T HOLDING YOU BACK. IT'S WAKEY-WAKEY TIME, SO MAKE WITH THE 'LEAVE ME OUT OF IT ALREADY'-NESS.
***
In Keitaro's room, at his bedside, Shinobu knelt, carefully tending to the wounds. As she worked, she sang a soothing song: "The ankle bone's connected to the ... um ... leg bone. The leg bone's connected to the -- ooh, neither femur broke today!"
Breaking from the song to hum tunelessly, she finished her work, and when it was done, Keitaro lay on the bed, unmoving.
"Keitaro-sempai?" she asked in a wavering voice.
His eyes opened instantly. There were no transition frames, they simply switched from fully closed to fully open.
"Auugh!" Shinobu exclaimed, leaping upward in alarm.
"Shinobu-chan?" Keitaro asked, staring fixedly upward, and not moving a muscle.
"Hai?" she asked tremulously, sinking back to her kneeling position at his side.
"Something's different about this time, isn't it?"
"Um...."
"I can handle it," he said stoically.
"Um, Keitaro, the internal bleeding's taken care of, and everything was put on ice, so we could but it back on, but...."
"But?" he asked, his eyes finally moving to fix on Shinobu's directly. His gaze softened, and he spoke again. "What is it, Shinobu-chan?"
"Your appendix was aggravated, and it had to be removed," she said quietly, looking away from him tearfully. "Gomen, Keitaro-sempai."
"I see," he said quietly, his eyes drifting shut, tears forming under the lids.
"Everything's going to be okay, right?" Shinobu asked anxiously. "Right?"
"Absolutely everything," Keitaro agreed.
----------------------------------------------------------
AN: Just wait til' chapter two!