Title: Betrayals
Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns them all. I just like to borrow them from
time to time.
Rating: PG
Category: Very angsty
Pairings: One-sided Peter/Remus, Remus/Sirius
Warnings: Angst and slash
Spoilers: Just through PoA
Summary: A one-shot about the reasons behind Peter's betrayal – his love
for Remus. A short story about love and regret.
Author's Note: Just an idea that popped into my head and I wrote down in
about three hours I suppose. I'm too tired to spell check it too
carefully, so please excuse any errors I might make. It's a much angstier
fic than I would normally read or write, but I know there are some angst-
lovers out there. I would love some constructive criticism, as I know I'm
not that talented a writer. Any sort of comments are welcome however, as I
can laugh at myself and my horrible writing quite easily. Please review
and enjoy.
Betrayals
Love. Such a horrible, hopeless word. Who came up with such a thought anyway? Love.
No one knew it, but Peter Pettigrew had once loved. Well, three people had known it, but as one was dead, Peter didn't think he counted anymore. And as for the other two...well, it wasn't like they cared who Peter loved anymore. No, he had made sure of that long ago. And yet, he still loved them. His first and only loved ones...
*
King's Cross Station was horribly busy on September 1, as it was every other day, and one lonely Peter Pettigrew was quite overwhelmed. Small even for the age of eleven, Peter searched hopefully for a familiar face that could perhaps give him a hand with his huge trunk but found his search to be fruitless. His parents had been unable to come; his mother had mentioned some sort of important business meeting and his father had begged off with a Quidditch tournament. Whatever others said, having a professional Quidditch player for a father was not all it cracked up to be. He was always gone, off at games and practices. But for now, it didn't matter, as Peter would be gone for the next many months anyways.
Peter sighed and dragged his trunk over to the barrier, leaned against it in as casual a way as he could manage, and flopped through rather ungracefully. Worriedly he realized that his trunk had not quite made it all the way through and he pulled quickly before any Muggles realized that there was a trunk sitting half in a wall. Mission accomplished, he look over at the quite impressive Hogwarts train and smiled. Here he would make a fresh start, become a new Peter Algunen Pettigrew. And never tell anyone his middle name, as Pap was not an acceptable nickname for his new life.
Struggling with his trunk, he finally managed to find himself an empty compartment towards the back of the train. He settled in and turned to glance out the window as the train jolted forwards. Soon his new life would begin.
*
At some point during his journey, Peter must have fallen asleep, as when he next opened his eyes, he was greeted with the sight of two boys peering curiously at him as another boy quietly perused a book. When they saw he was awake, the two boys grinned in a decidedly similar manner and pounced on him. Well, not physically, but the verbal attack was enough to hurt his ears at least.
"What's your name? Where are you from? You like pranks? You like jokes? Do you want to go throw some unpleasant greasy git's books out the window? Do you come from a Muggle family or a wizarding one? You have any siblings?" Their voices blended together and Peter was overwhelmed by their enthusiasm, never having found himself interesting enough to question. He smiled tentatively and turned to the other boy to see how he was taking the not-so-quiet questioning.
The brown-haired boy lifted his eyes from his book. "Sirius, James, give the boy a break. I swear, I've known you for less than two hours and you already know everything there is to know about me. Can't you give him at least five hours?" The boy shifted his attention from the putout looking brunettes and smiled softly at Peter. "Hi, I'm Remus Lupin. The boy with glasses and horribly messy hair is James Potter and the one grinning like a little schoolboy is Sirius Black. We're all first years this year."
"Hey, I may be a school boy, but I most certainly am not little," Sirius said petulantly. He rolled his eyes at Remus and then turned back to Peter. "Sorry about all the questions. We're a little excited to be here and eager to make mischievous friends to play pranks with. We're ready to turn Hogwarts upside down." The boyish grin turned decidedly impish. Peter hoped they didn't plan to unleash their pranks on him. He certainly didn't want to repeat grade school all over again.
James whacked Sirius on the head. "Don't mind him, he's always excited and hyper. We tried cutting down his sugar intake, but either he was sneaking chocolate on the side or else he's just always like this." Peter smiled at this and decided that perhaps this group wouldn't be so bad to hang out with. He was brave enough to make his first attempt at speaking anyways.
"Peter Pettigrew," he said, hoping his voice didn't squeak too much. "First year also. Wizarding family. And I like pranks as much as the next guy I guess."
James and Sirius seemed overjoyed at this, as if their pet squirrel had just learned how to form a cocoon and emerge a cobra, which Sirius' pet squirrel had done at one time. But Sirius' family was full of dark magic and neither he nor James had questioned just how this change had come about. Besides they were rather scared at the time, being only seven, so the joy they felt right now definitely topped their joy then. But anyways, back to the topic...
James and Sirius were quite the talkative types, as Peter found out over the next three hours of the trip to Hogwarts. He learned about every hope and dream they had ever had, every thought that had crossed through their heads, every memory from their childhood together. But he smiled through it all as he and Remus leaned back just let the chatter wash over them. Peter had finally found friends.
*
He supposed it was sometime in his fourth year, long after the Marauders' name and friendships had been cemented, that he began to fall in love. But the process started early on, perhaps as soon as second year when he confessed all his fears and loneliness at midnight to a kind person who would listen and not mock him...
Peter turned quickly as a knock sounded softly on the wall, startling him from his thoughts as he gazed at the fireplace. The common room was quiet as it was after two o'clock and even NEWT crazy seventh years had wobbled off to sleep.
Remus smiled and entered the room, collapsing next to Peter on the couch. They both continued to stare at the fireplace until Peter voiced a question he had been brooding over since first year.
"Am I a good friend?"
Remus glanced at him in surprise and smiled in amusement. "Of course you are. Peter, you would do and have done most anything for us. What other loyal friend would take the brunt of Filch's anger for James and Sirius as they snuck off to fill Snape's trouser drawer with itching powder and his shampoo bottle with an Afro-Growing potion?" Remus trailed off to smile at the memory, then shook his head and continued his train of thought. "You've always been a great friend to all three of us. Tolerating James, humoring Sirius, and...never shying away when you found out I was a werewolf."
Peter's eyes widened as he realized that calm, collected Remus was as full as doubts as himself. He grinned widely and clapped brunette on the shoulder. "I would never shy away from you, Remus. Now come on, let's go get some sleep."
As the two boys stood up to travel the stairs up to their dormitory, Peter found himself feeling much lighter than he ever remembered feeling before. He was a good friend, at least to Remus. His future looked clearer and happier than ever before.
*
Third and fourth year passed much like first and second, full of pranks and exploration and quite a bit of detention and point losing. The Marauders didn't mind at all; they had no intention of stopping their bit of fun for a few grains of sand in an hourglass.
At some point during fourth year, Peter found himself once again doubting himself. He had, after all, never had love of friends before and was quite enjoying it. But somewhere deep in his mind, taunts from childhood came back to him. No, he wasn't as smart as Remus or as popular as Sirius or as powerful as James. He wasn't really special at all in fact.
But when he confessed these things to Remus, Remus would always laugh and reassure him that he was quite special, to at least the other three Marauders. And Peter found himself more and more noticing the way the werewolf's honey-colored eyes would light up when he laughed or the way his wavy brown hair looked so soft. And he wished that he could be even more special, believed it when Remus told him, that he was special enough. Special enough to love.
But even if the Sorting Hat had decided that Peter was brave, Peter hadn't decided that himself. So he remained quiet, as was his nature, about anything pertaining to his feelings for Remus.
He stared, however, and James was unusually perceptive, whether others knew it or not. So while he stared, James would stare at him thoughtfully and worriedly, as he knew Peter's delicate self-esteem. No one had told him, but James knew things like that. He knew Remus' problems also, although Remus usually went to Sirius with his doubts. And although no one confided in James, he knew what happened with his friends. And he continued to worry.
*
It wasn't until sixth year that James finally cornered Peter to question him. Thanksgiving was soon to come and everyone was looking forward to Christmas, except Peter who was required to go home. He didn't really know why, as his father would be away again and his mother too busy, but he didn't mind so much. He would be back again in January at least.
But before he could go home, he had to endure James' curiosity.
"Are you okay, Wormy?" James asked, leaning back on his four-poster bed. He looked completely casual and yet completely focused at the same time and Peter wondered just how he managed it.
"I'm fine, just fine. Why? What brought on the mother hen act all of a sudden?"
James was never one to hedge of course. He was rather direct about most things, except his feelings for Lily, and this seemed to be one of them. "Are you in love with Moony?"
Peter blinked and wished suddenly that he could be a tiny rat, crawling unnoticed under the mattress. He wasn't a Slytherin and wasn't especially good at subtlety, but he hadn't thought he was being that obvious. But James had noticed. Bugger. There was no use lying; he was horrible at it. So here goes.
"Yes." There, that wasn't so hard.
James took a deep breath. "I see. In love with Remus. You. In love with Remus. Well. Okay." He seemed more unsettled now that he knew it was true. Perhaps Peter could have lied after all, but it was too late now. The next question had an easier answer at least. "Are you going to tell him?"
"No." Wow, at this rate, he might escape this conversation with fewer than five words.
"Is it really love? Not just a strong 'like' perhaps? A lust even?" James looked quite hopeful. Really, this was an odd conversation.
"I'm pretty sure it's love." Well, there goes that five-word thing. And now the face is turning red. Great, just great.
"Ah. I see." James looked rather uncertain now. Maybe Peter could escape now. Inching towards the door, inching, inching...but James next words stopped him flat.
"What would you do if he fell in love with somebody else?"
Peter felt his heart drop in dread, and he knew that James knew something.
"I...I don't know. I never thought about it." Quite stupid of him really, after all, Remus was quite the attractive guy. Some girl, or guy, was bound to pick him up sooner or later. Peter could hit himself for his stupidness.
"You don't want to tell him? Find out how he feels?" James looked quite hopeless to be telling Peter to confess. Peter didn't want to know how Remus felt. It was bound to be bad. Bound to be...
"Do you think I should?" Damn his mouth, if James said yes, he probably would. Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap...
"...Yes. I think you should. Before you leave for Christmas vacation." With that, James slid off the bed and strolled past Peter out the door.
*
It was the first day of vacation before Peter decided to tell him. Remus that is. That he loved him. Peter's heart was clenched so tight he thought it perhaps had stopped beating, only to find that it was beating so fast that it had just turned into a kind of buzz. 'Where's my Gryffindor courage now?' he wondered idly as he looked up from packing his trunk to find Remus at the door.
"Hey Peter. Glad to see you packing, James hasn't even started. At least I don't have to pack this year. Just stretch out and relax during the holidays."
Peter smiled weakly and dropped the book he was about to place in his trunk. Ignoring the throbbing pain suddenly coming from his toe, he stuffed the book into his trunk and closed it tight. He fully intended on sprinting away after this, so he didn't have to face Remus at all during the holidays. He sat down hesitantly on his bed and turned to face the love of his life.
"Remus?"
Remus rolled over to face him from where he had flopped on his covers. He smiled and nodded encouragingly, trying to coax the shy boy to finish. Peter remembered many other times when he had confessed his doubts to the werewolf. He wished for some part of his brain to suddenly spring up with a new doubt to confess, but he knew this was the last one. The last doubt. His love for Remus and his anticipation of the return. He took a deep breath and finally it just burst out.
"I'm in love with you." As he glanced up, he saw Remus' jaw hang open in shock, and suddenly he was off, sprinting out the door and down the stairs as fast as his legs would take him. He didn't glance back, so he didn't see Remus' face turn from shock to sadness. He hid in a disused part of the castle until it was time to board the train for home.
*
Approximately three weeks later, Peter returned to the castle, with his hopes high and his doubts higher. He still had no idea what Remus thought about his confession, as the owls he received from James had no mention of the incident and he received none at all from Remus or Sirius. He hung back as they started to go to the castle, trying to smile at James as the taller boy clapped his shoulder and paused, waiting for him to catch up. When he decided he was ready, they entered through the front doors.
They had arrived at dinnertime per usual, but although James was ravenous, Peter was not and James felt it his duty to escort the almost shaking boy to the Gryffindor Tower. They walked quietly, not saying a word. James knew all about what had happened during the Christmas holidays, but did not feel it his place to indulge the information to Peter. Remus could tell him his own way.
When they walked through the portrait into the common room, James knew that had been a mistake.
Remus and Sirius hastily sprang apart, Sirius trying to get his hair back into its usual perfection and Remus looking apologetically at the boy behind James. Peter simply stared in shock. His shock slowly changed to disbelief, then sadness, then hurt, then anger. James looked so desperately sad beside him, Sirius looked confused, and Remus looked sorry, oh so sorry, but it wasn't enough. He couldn't be sorry enough. He didn't care enough to be that sorry, because if he cared he wouldn't be snogging Sirius on the couch where Peter could so clearly see.
"Peter, I..." Remus began, but Peter cut him off.
"No. No, it's okay. I don't care." But he found that he did. And he ran and ran, and somewhere very far away from the common room, he started laughing, as he realized that perhaps if he hadn't run, Remus would have been kissing him.
But probably not.
*
He returned to the common room hours later, opening the portrait hesitantly. It was past midnight, and he was relieved to find the common room empty. Except for that messy black head off to the side in an armchair, staring at him.
"Are you okay?"
Peter halfway smiled; James had been there for him. He could trust James.
"I don't know. I didn't expect it I guess. It came as a shock."
"I know it did. I'm sorry, I would have told you but I didn't expect them to be sitting there..." James trailed off. He really did look sorry. But then his words registered.
"You knew? How...how long were they...did everyone know but me?" Peter had never felt rage quite like this before. Wordless rage, filling him. They were laughing at him. He remembered acidly all the times Remus had reassured him of his loyalty. Yes, he was loyal, but had his friends been? It seemed not.
"No, not long, not long!" James had jumped up, his arms out. Trying to calm Peter down, he supposed. "Sirius had told me before you did that he liked Remus. I didn't know what to do, so I told you both to confess...but when you did, you ran off. Remus was confused and Sirius was with him the whole time during the holidays. That's when it happened."
James stared down at his shoes. "I'm sorry, I didn't know what to do. Please forgive them. You'll find someone else, I know you will. You're so sweet and loving, I know someone will fall in love with you someday."
Peter stared at him, stared at his friend. His friend who had been helping his rival at the same time. He was about to scream at him when Remus walked down the stairs.
"Peter, I...I'm sorry. I really do love you, just not that way. Please, I wanted to tell you that day that I didn't, but you ran and I didn't want to send it by letter and..." Remus trailed off helplessly. Everyone kept repeating that phrase: you ran. Of course he had run. He was Peter, the coward. No one loves a coward.
And suddenly a thought entered his mind. What was it that Sirius always muttered when Snape pulled a dirty trick? Revenge. He would forgive them for now, but someday...someday...
He put a hesitant smile on his face, reassuring both Remus and James. "Yeah, it's okay. It's just a crush, you know? I'll get over it. Just please don't kiss too much in front of me."
Remus laughed in relief and reached over to hug Peter. "We won't, we won't."
And Peter felt his heart burst into tiny pieces at the contact.
*
He should have gone into show business. He was awfully good at acting. Acting like sweet, innocent Peter.
What had ever happened to sweet, innocent Peter anyways? He supposed he had been crushed like his heart that day. That day five years ago. And still he acted, waiting for the right moment to get his revenge on his so- called friends. Remus and Sirius were as deliriously happy as ever, as were James, Lily, and their lovely new baby. Peter wasn't happy. He hadn't been for years.
Well, he supposed there were odd moments of happiness, when he forgot his love for Remus and his plan for revenge and remembered instead the friendship he had enjoyed for the first six years of his life. But they had betrayed him and he would betray them. Laws of nature. He was a rat, after all.
He had gone to Voldemort not long after graduation, finally seeing clearly his way to get back at them. He would ensure James' and Sirius' demise and leave Remus alone and broken-hearted. It was too bad about Lily and her son, but it was her fault that she had fallen in love with a bastard. Of course, he had been deceived for six years also. But it wasn't to be helped, he would kill them all.
The plan was perfect. He had given James' address to the Dark Lord and in less than an hour they would be dead. Sirius would be blamed. Remus would be alone and in mourning. All too perfect.
He hadn't counted on little Harry Potter ruining the plan. James hadn't even loved Peter enough to make him the little boy's godfather. Another slight against him. And now he interfered, interfered with Peter's perfect revenge.
*
It was a week after Voldemort's defeat, after Peter had been Wormtail the Rat for quite a few days that he allowed himself to cry. He had peeked into Remus' small cottage, the one he had shared with Sirius. Remus had sat there, staring at the fireplace for hours, before finally breaking down. And why wouldn't he? Three best friends dead. One of those a traitor. His last friend and lover thrown in a prison worse than death.
Peter had succeeded after all. He had killed James and Lily. Had defeated Sirius. He had even fooled the world. He hadn't fooled Remus though. Or Sirius. James had known too, in the moments before his death. He had lost the only friends he had ever had.
Revenge. It was a word almost as evil as love. But of course the word love wasn't even evil. He was evil. He had ruined their lives, ruined his own life. He thought back a couple of years, when he and his three best friends had been sprawled in the living room of James' house. They had joked and laughed like they had since that day they met on the train, and Peter had forgotten the incident in sixth year for that day. The revenge hadn't seemed as important, the pain of the wolf and dog's touching had been dulled. He had loved again.
And now, looking back at that incident, he saw clearly where it had been blurred by his anger and hurt so many times before. They had loved him. They had cared for him. It was he who betrayed them. He who hurt them. And now he could never go back. No matter what happened, no matter how he regretted it, his friend was dead. Sirius hated him. Remus hated him. And he couldn't go back.
And Peter laughed quietly to himself as the tears streamed down his cheeks.
Betrayals
Love. Such a horrible, hopeless word. Who came up with such a thought anyway? Love.
No one knew it, but Peter Pettigrew had once loved. Well, three people had known it, but as one was dead, Peter didn't think he counted anymore. And as for the other two...well, it wasn't like they cared who Peter loved anymore. No, he had made sure of that long ago. And yet, he still loved them. His first and only loved ones...
*
King's Cross Station was horribly busy on September 1, as it was every other day, and one lonely Peter Pettigrew was quite overwhelmed. Small even for the age of eleven, Peter searched hopefully for a familiar face that could perhaps give him a hand with his huge trunk but found his search to be fruitless. His parents had been unable to come; his mother had mentioned some sort of important business meeting and his father had begged off with a Quidditch tournament. Whatever others said, having a professional Quidditch player for a father was not all it cracked up to be. He was always gone, off at games and practices. But for now, it didn't matter, as Peter would be gone for the next many months anyways.
Peter sighed and dragged his trunk over to the barrier, leaned against it in as casual a way as he could manage, and flopped through rather ungracefully. Worriedly he realized that his trunk had not quite made it all the way through and he pulled quickly before any Muggles realized that there was a trunk sitting half in a wall. Mission accomplished, he look over at the quite impressive Hogwarts train and smiled. Here he would make a fresh start, become a new Peter Algunen Pettigrew. And never tell anyone his middle name, as Pap was not an acceptable nickname for his new life.
Struggling with his trunk, he finally managed to find himself an empty compartment towards the back of the train. He settled in and turned to glance out the window as the train jolted forwards. Soon his new life would begin.
*
At some point during his journey, Peter must have fallen asleep, as when he next opened his eyes, he was greeted with the sight of two boys peering curiously at him as another boy quietly perused a book. When they saw he was awake, the two boys grinned in a decidedly similar manner and pounced on him. Well, not physically, but the verbal attack was enough to hurt his ears at least.
"What's your name? Where are you from? You like pranks? You like jokes? Do you want to go throw some unpleasant greasy git's books out the window? Do you come from a Muggle family or a wizarding one? You have any siblings?" Their voices blended together and Peter was overwhelmed by their enthusiasm, never having found himself interesting enough to question. He smiled tentatively and turned to the other boy to see how he was taking the not-so-quiet questioning.
The brown-haired boy lifted his eyes from his book. "Sirius, James, give the boy a break. I swear, I've known you for less than two hours and you already know everything there is to know about me. Can't you give him at least five hours?" The boy shifted his attention from the putout looking brunettes and smiled softly at Peter. "Hi, I'm Remus Lupin. The boy with glasses and horribly messy hair is James Potter and the one grinning like a little schoolboy is Sirius Black. We're all first years this year."
"Hey, I may be a school boy, but I most certainly am not little," Sirius said petulantly. He rolled his eyes at Remus and then turned back to Peter. "Sorry about all the questions. We're a little excited to be here and eager to make mischievous friends to play pranks with. We're ready to turn Hogwarts upside down." The boyish grin turned decidedly impish. Peter hoped they didn't plan to unleash their pranks on him. He certainly didn't want to repeat grade school all over again.
James whacked Sirius on the head. "Don't mind him, he's always excited and hyper. We tried cutting down his sugar intake, but either he was sneaking chocolate on the side or else he's just always like this." Peter smiled at this and decided that perhaps this group wouldn't be so bad to hang out with. He was brave enough to make his first attempt at speaking anyways.
"Peter Pettigrew," he said, hoping his voice didn't squeak too much. "First year also. Wizarding family. And I like pranks as much as the next guy I guess."
James and Sirius seemed overjoyed at this, as if their pet squirrel had just learned how to form a cocoon and emerge a cobra, which Sirius' pet squirrel had done at one time. But Sirius' family was full of dark magic and neither he nor James had questioned just how this change had come about. Besides they were rather scared at the time, being only seven, so the joy they felt right now definitely topped their joy then. But anyways, back to the topic...
James and Sirius were quite the talkative types, as Peter found out over the next three hours of the trip to Hogwarts. He learned about every hope and dream they had ever had, every thought that had crossed through their heads, every memory from their childhood together. But he smiled through it all as he and Remus leaned back just let the chatter wash over them. Peter had finally found friends.
*
He supposed it was sometime in his fourth year, long after the Marauders' name and friendships had been cemented, that he began to fall in love. But the process started early on, perhaps as soon as second year when he confessed all his fears and loneliness at midnight to a kind person who would listen and not mock him...
Peter turned quickly as a knock sounded softly on the wall, startling him from his thoughts as he gazed at the fireplace. The common room was quiet as it was after two o'clock and even NEWT crazy seventh years had wobbled off to sleep.
Remus smiled and entered the room, collapsing next to Peter on the couch. They both continued to stare at the fireplace until Peter voiced a question he had been brooding over since first year.
"Am I a good friend?"
Remus glanced at him in surprise and smiled in amusement. "Of course you are. Peter, you would do and have done most anything for us. What other loyal friend would take the brunt of Filch's anger for James and Sirius as they snuck off to fill Snape's trouser drawer with itching powder and his shampoo bottle with an Afro-Growing potion?" Remus trailed off to smile at the memory, then shook his head and continued his train of thought. "You've always been a great friend to all three of us. Tolerating James, humoring Sirius, and...never shying away when you found out I was a werewolf."
Peter's eyes widened as he realized that calm, collected Remus was as full as doubts as himself. He grinned widely and clapped brunette on the shoulder. "I would never shy away from you, Remus. Now come on, let's go get some sleep."
As the two boys stood up to travel the stairs up to their dormitory, Peter found himself feeling much lighter than he ever remembered feeling before. He was a good friend, at least to Remus. His future looked clearer and happier than ever before.
*
Third and fourth year passed much like first and second, full of pranks and exploration and quite a bit of detention and point losing. The Marauders didn't mind at all; they had no intention of stopping their bit of fun for a few grains of sand in an hourglass.
At some point during fourth year, Peter found himself once again doubting himself. He had, after all, never had love of friends before and was quite enjoying it. But somewhere deep in his mind, taunts from childhood came back to him. No, he wasn't as smart as Remus or as popular as Sirius or as powerful as James. He wasn't really special at all in fact.
But when he confessed these things to Remus, Remus would always laugh and reassure him that he was quite special, to at least the other three Marauders. And Peter found himself more and more noticing the way the werewolf's honey-colored eyes would light up when he laughed or the way his wavy brown hair looked so soft. And he wished that he could be even more special, believed it when Remus told him, that he was special enough. Special enough to love.
But even if the Sorting Hat had decided that Peter was brave, Peter hadn't decided that himself. So he remained quiet, as was his nature, about anything pertaining to his feelings for Remus.
He stared, however, and James was unusually perceptive, whether others knew it or not. So while he stared, James would stare at him thoughtfully and worriedly, as he knew Peter's delicate self-esteem. No one had told him, but James knew things like that. He knew Remus' problems also, although Remus usually went to Sirius with his doubts. And although no one confided in James, he knew what happened with his friends. And he continued to worry.
*
It wasn't until sixth year that James finally cornered Peter to question him. Thanksgiving was soon to come and everyone was looking forward to Christmas, except Peter who was required to go home. He didn't really know why, as his father would be away again and his mother too busy, but he didn't mind so much. He would be back again in January at least.
But before he could go home, he had to endure James' curiosity.
"Are you okay, Wormy?" James asked, leaning back on his four-poster bed. He looked completely casual and yet completely focused at the same time and Peter wondered just how he managed it.
"I'm fine, just fine. Why? What brought on the mother hen act all of a sudden?"
James was never one to hedge of course. He was rather direct about most things, except his feelings for Lily, and this seemed to be one of them. "Are you in love with Moony?"
Peter blinked and wished suddenly that he could be a tiny rat, crawling unnoticed under the mattress. He wasn't a Slytherin and wasn't especially good at subtlety, but he hadn't thought he was being that obvious. But James had noticed. Bugger. There was no use lying; he was horrible at it. So here goes.
"Yes." There, that wasn't so hard.
James took a deep breath. "I see. In love with Remus. You. In love with Remus. Well. Okay." He seemed more unsettled now that he knew it was true. Perhaps Peter could have lied after all, but it was too late now. The next question had an easier answer at least. "Are you going to tell him?"
"No." Wow, at this rate, he might escape this conversation with fewer than five words.
"Is it really love? Not just a strong 'like' perhaps? A lust even?" James looked quite hopeful. Really, this was an odd conversation.
"I'm pretty sure it's love." Well, there goes that five-word thing. And now the face is turning red. Great, just great.
"Ah. I see." James looked rather uncertain now. Maybe Peter could escape now. Inching towards the door, inching, inching...but James next words stopped him flat.
"What would you do if he fell in love with somebody else?"
Peter felt his heart drop in dread, and he knew that James knew something.
"I...I don't know. I never thought about it." Quite stupid of him really, after all, Remus was quite the attractive guy. Some girl, or guy, was bound to pick him up sooner or later. Peter could hit himself for his stupidness.
"You don't want to tell him? Find out how he feels?" James looked quite hopeless to be telling Peter to confess. Peter didn't want to know how Remus felt. It was bound to be bad. Bound to be...
"Do you think I should?" Damn his mouth, if James said yes, he probably would. Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap...
"...Yes. I think you should. Before you leave for Christmas vacation." With that, James slid off the bed and strolled past Peter out the door.
*
It was the first day of vacation before Peter decided to tell him. Remus that is. That he loved him. Peter's heart was clenched so tight he thought it perhaps had stopped beating, only to find that it was beating so fast that it had just turned into a kind of buzz. 'Where's my Gryffindor courage now?' he wondered idly as he looked up from packing his trunk to find Remus at the door.
"Hey Peter. Glad to see you packing, James hasn't even started. At least I don't have to pack this year. Just stretch out and relax during the holidays."
Peter smiled weakly and dropped the book he was about to place in his trunk. Ignoring the throbbing pain suddenly coming from his toe, he stuffed the book into his trunk and closed it tight. He fully intended on sprinting away after this, so he didn't have to face Remus at all during the holidays. He sat down hesitantly on his bed and turned to face the love of his life.
"Remus?"
Remus rolled over to face him from where he had flopped on his covers. He smiled and nodded encouragingly, trying to coax the shy boy to finish. Peter remembered many other times when he had confessed his doubts to the werewolf. He wished for some part of his brain to suddenly spring up with a new doubt to confess, but he knew this was the last one. The last doubt. His love for Remus and his anticipation of the return. He took a deep breath and finally it just burst out.
"I'm in love with you." As he glanced up, he saw Remus' jaw hang open in shock, and suddenly he was off, sprinting out the door and down the stairs as fast as his legs would take him. He didn't glance back, so he didn't see Remus' face turn from shock to sadness. He hid in a disused part of the castle until it was time to board the train for home.
*
Approximately three weeks later, Peter returned to the castle, with his hopes high and his doubts higher. He still had no idea what Remus thought about his confession, as the owls he received from James had no mention of the incident and he received none at all from Remus or Sirius. He hung back as they started to go to the castle, trying to smile at James as the taller boy clapped his shoulder and paused, waiting for him to catch up. When he decided he was ready, they entered through the front doors.
They had arrived at dinnertime per usual, but although James was ravenous, Peter was not and James felt it his duty to escort the almost shaking boy to the Gryffindor Tower. They walked quietly, not saying a word. James knew all about what had happened during the Christmas holidays, but did not feel it his place to indulge the information to Peter. Remus could tell him his own way.
When they walked through the portrait into the common room, James knew that had been a mistake.
Remus and Sirius hastily sprang apart, Sirius trying to get his hair back into its usual perfection and Remus looking apologetically at the boy behind James. Peter simply stared in shock. His shock slowly changed to disbelief, then sadness, then hurt, then anger. James looked so desperately sad beside him, Sirius looked confused, and Remus looked sorry, oh so sorry, but it wasn't enough. He couldn't be sorry enough. He didn't care enough to be that sorry, because if he cared he wouldn't be snogging Sirius on the couch where Peter could so clearly see.
"Peter, I..." Remus began, but Peter cut him off.
"No. No, it's okay. I don't care." But he found that he did. And he ran and ran, and somewhere very far away from the common room, he started laughing, as he realized that perhaps if he hadn't run, Remus would have been kissing him.
But probably not.
*
He returned to the common room hours later, opening the portrait hesitantly. It was past midnight, and he was relieved to find the common room empty. Except for that messy black head off to the side in an armchair, staring at him.
"Are you okay?"
Peter halfway smiled; James had been there for him. He could trust James.
"I don't know. I didn't expect it I guess. It came as a shock."
"I know it did. I'm sorry, I would have told you but I didn't expect them to be sitting there..." James trailed off. He really did look sorry. But then his words registered.
"You knew? How...how long were they...did everyone know but me?" Peter had never felt rage quite like this before. Wordless rage, filling him. They were laughing at him. He remembered acidly all the times Remus had reassured him of his loyalty. Yes, he was loyal, but had his friends been? It seemed not.
"No, not long, not long!" James had jumped up, his arms out. Trying to calm Peter down, he supposed. "Sirius had told me before you did that he liked Remus. I didn't know what to do, so I told you both to confess...but when you did, you ran off. Remus was confused and Sirius was with him the whole time during the holidays. That's when it happened."
James stared down at his shoes. "I'm sorry, I didn't know what to do. Please forgive them. You'll find someone else, I know you will. You're so sweet and loving, I know someone will fall in love with you someday."
Peter stared at him, stared at his friend. His friend who had been helping his rival at the same time. He was about to scream at him when Remus walked down the stairs.
"Peter, I...I'm sorry. I really do love you, just not that way. Please, I wanted to tell you that day that I didn't, but you ran and I didn't want to send it by letter and..." Remus trailed off helplessly. Everyone kept repeating that phrase: you ran. Of course he had run. He was Peter, the coward. No one loves a coward.
And suddenly a thought entered his mind. What was it that Sirius always muttered when Snape pulled a dirty trick? Revenge. He would forgive them for now, but someday...someday...
He put a hesitant smile on his face, reassuring both Remus and James. "Yeah, it's okay. It's just a crush, you know? I'll get over it. Just please don't kiss too much in front of me."
Remus laughed in relief and reached over to hug Peter. "We won't, we won't."
And Peter felt his heart burst into tiny pieces at the contact.
*
He should have gone into show business. He was awfully good at acting. Acting like sweet, innocent Peter.
What had ever happened to sweet, innocent Peter anyways? He supposed he had been crushed like his heart that day. That day five years ago. And still he acted, waiting for the right moment to get his revenge on his so- called friends. Remus and Sirius were as deliriously happy as ever, as were James, Lily, and their lovely new baby. Peter wasn't happy. He hadn't been for years.
Well, he supposed there were odd moments of happiness, when he forgot his love for Remus and his plan for revenge and remembered instead the friendship he had enjoyed for the first six years of his life. But they had betrayed him and he would betray them. Laws of nature. He was a rat, after all.
He had gone to Voldemort not long after graduation, finally seeing clearly his way to get back at them. He would ensure James' and Sirius' demise and leave Remus alone and broken-hearted. It was too bad about Lily and her son, but it was her fault that she had fallen in love with a bastard. Of course, he had been deceived for six years also. But it wasn't to be helped, he would kill them all.
The plan was perfect. He had given James' address to the Dark Lord and in less than an hour they would be dead. Sirius would be blamed. Remus would be alone and in mourning. All too perfect.
He hadn't counted on little Harry Potter ruining the plan. James hadn't even loved Peter enough to make him the little boy's godfather. Another slight against him. And now he interfered, interfered with Peter's perfect revenge.
*
It was a week after Voldemort's defeat, after Peter had been Wormtail the Rat for quite a few days that he allowed himself to cry. He had peeked into Remus' small cottage, the one he had shared with Sirius. Remus had sat there, staring at the fireplace for hours, before finally breaking down. And why wouldn't he? Three best friends dead. One of those a traitor. His last friend and lover thrown in a prison worse than death.
Peter had succeeded after all. He had killed James and Lily. Had defeated Sirius. He had even fooled the world. He hadn't fooled Remus though. Or Sirius. James had known too, in the moments before his death. He had lost the only friends he had ever had.
Revenge. It was a word almost as evil as love. But of course the word love wasn't even evil. He was evil. He had ruined their lives, ruined his own life. He thought back a couple of years, when he and his three best friends had been sprawled in the living room of James' house. They had joked and laughed like they had since that day they met on the train, and Peter had forgotten the incident in sixth year for that day. The revenge hadn't seemed as important, the pain of the wolf and dog's touching had been dulled. He had loved again.
And now, looking back at that incident, he saw clearly where it had been blurred by his anger and hurt so many times before. They had loved him. They had cared for him. It was he who betrayed them. He who hurt them. And now he could never go back. No matter what happened, no matter how he regretted it, his friend was dead. Sirius hated him. Remus hated him. And he couldn't go back.
And Peter laughed quietly to himself as the tears streamed down his cheeks.