I don't own anything...even if I wish I did, if only so that these kids would have had more time together
Chapter 1: and tell me you don't find me attractive.
Myka had to get out of the house. She couldn't take one more second of hearing Claudia's sobs, or Pete's quiet mumbling of disbelief. H.G. was struggling to put up a front of normalcy, shuffling around the kitchen trying to make some semblance of food, none of them had eaten all day, but mostly there was a lot of pots slamming and "bloody hell's" issuing from the kitchen. Myka felt like every muscle in her body was on the brink of snapping, nerves stretched so thin she knew if she stayed she would lose control and never possibly regain it again. They all knew the costs of this life. That the warehouse would eventually take things from them, but this, this was the first time something felt so impossibly permanent. Even in those moments where H.G seemed lost she always came back somehow, she was never fully gone, not like this, not like Steve. She felt paralyzed, all she wanted to do was move and yet her body wouldn't respond to the need; until Claudia gave another shuddering gasp from the couch and it was like a lightning bolt through Myka's body. It was the jolt she needed to escape. She heaved herself off the floor, grabbed her jacket where she had flung it in a chair, checked that her Farnsworth was in her pocket, and made for the door. She felt Pete's footsteps behind her before he grabbed her shoulder, spinning her around before her hand could touch the doorknob.
"Mykes, where are you going? You can't leave, not now." The pleading in his voice and the pain in his eyes almost made her want to stay, to try and fix it, but that was the problem, she had finally come up against a something she couldn't solve.
"Pete I can't stay here. I have to get out of the house or the pain is going to suffocate me. I just need a few hours to myself, to..to process, to forget, to I don't know what. To just not be here, where it feels like Steve is everywhere." She was determined and when she was determined Pete was powerless.
"Where are you going to go? It's late."
"I don't know where..I'll find some place."
"Well, at least take your Farnsworth,ok."
She pulled it out of her pocket so he could see she had already made sure it was on her, then with a quick glance into the living room at Claudia whispered, "Take care of her. I'll be back later," and with a squeeze of his arm she fled from the B&B.
The door slamming shut was enough to bring Helena from the kitchen, "Where on earth is she going?"
Pete just shrugged his shoulders and helplessly said, "She didn't really know, she just said she had to get out for a bit."
Pete returned to the living room to try somehow to comfort Claudia, but H.G. with a sinking feeling in her stomach peered out the window to watch the taillights of Myka's SUV tear out of the driveway. It wasn't like Myka to run, no matter how big the problem. Over the years Helena had come to know more about Myka than she ever anticipated she would when she first met her staring down the barrel of a gun, and she knew that Myka put up a brilliant front of calm control, but roiling underneath was a strong layer of insecurity, fear, and pain. She tried so hard to manage everything, and most of the time she did, but when something went off-kilter she tended to crumble, always finding a way to blame herself for whatever went wrong. The same thing happened when Helena was foolish enough to try and drown her own pain by ending not just her own life, but everyone's, and despite the fact that it was Myka who stopped her, the burden of guilt Myka felt was enough to drive her back to her parents in Colorado harboring dreams of never returning to the warehouse. No, Helena thought, if Myka was leaving, things were going to get messy.
Myka drove for what felt like hours, but in reality was just long enough to get her to a bar where she knew no one, and the music was ear-splittingly loud enough that it could stay that way. She wound her way to the bar ignoring several, "Hey baby's" along the way, and quickly ordered two gin and tonics. She knew the first would disappear quickly, so she needed a quick back up. She just wanted something, anything that would numb this pain, anything to stop the never-ending spiral of questions in her head. What could she have done to stop it? How could she protect Claudia? What if it had been Pete? What if it had been Helena? What if she lost her again, for real? That question was too difficult to bear, for it led Myka down a path she didn't even want to think about. Things were complicated enough without her thinking about that. That crushing, melting feeling she had for Helena. She didn't want to think about losing her, but even more so she didn't want to think at all about why exactly she couldn't handle that. Gin burned at the back of her throat and she relished the pain. If she could drown in that pain, maybe the other pain would disappear. She didn't even pay attention to just how many drinks she'd had or the fact that the bartender probably should have cut her off by now but she didn't care, she finally felt blissfully numb, to everything, to Steve, to how fucked up the Warehouse made her life, to Claudia and her racking sobs that kept echoing around her brain, to everything but one thing, no matter how many ounces of gin she threw down her throat, she could never numb herself to Helena. Helena, the one thing should couldn't stop thinking of, even when she knew she should be focusing on something else. Helena, the one part of her life that actually scared her to death, because if she let herself admit how she felt it would end her career, how could she keep working at the Warehouse and be a good agent when she would live in constant fear of losing her again, like before, when Helena almost destroyed the world. No, she would swallow her feelings, along with more gin, and forget the feeling she got when Helena looked at her, when Helena would casually, almost carelessly let their hands brush together, as though Myka might not notice and might not feel the heat radiating between them. No, she couldn't do it again, she couldn't lose another person she loved, she would come undone. So, with a flick of her finger to the bartender, she downed another gin and threw herself out into the throng of people on the dance floor, praying that the contact with other people would drive from her mind the thought of Helena's hands against hers.
"Pete, Pete, is Myka back?" She gently shook him awake from where he slept slumped on the couch, careful not to disturb Claudia who was finally, thankfully asleep curled up with her head on Pete's shoulder.
Helena had fought with all her might to not fall asleep, straining her ears for the sound of tires on gravel, signalling Myka's return, but exhaustion had overtaken her, and she had fallen asleep, head on her book in the library. She prayed she had missed the door opening, prayed that Myka was asleep upstairs, prayed that the morning that was only a few hours away would truly bring a new dawn.
"What? H.G., Myka? No, no I don't think so." Panic rose in his eyes as realization struck him. "Shit, Helena what time is it?" He looked ready to bolt off the couch, but ever careful of Claudia stayed put and kept his voice low.
With a gut-wrenching sigh Helena whispered, "It's almost 3. Pete, where is she?"
"I have no clue. She said she needed to be alone. Her Farnsworth! She has it. Call her. Helena, find her, please. She, she seemed so off when she she left."
The terror in Pete's voice was indicative of how much he cared for Myka. Helena touched his arm lightly, "I'll go call."
Jesus, Myka. Why? Why tonight of all nights? Why couldn't you tell me where you were going? Why couldn't you have taken me with you? Why aren't you here? She flipped open her Farnsworth, fingers shaking, afraid of what might, or worse, might not greet her on the other end. It rang, and rang, and rang, panic rising in her with each passing second until finally, there was Myka surrounded by three different men, dancing. Dancing? "HELENA!"
"Myka, where the hell are you?" She tried not to yell, but witnessing these people around Myka, touching her, like they had a right to do so, made a rage and a jealousy rise so greatly in Helena that she could barely speak.
"I'm out! I'm living! I am so drunk, and it is amazing."
Helena couldn't fight off the instinct to roll her eyes. She couldn't help it, but she understood. Myka needed to be numb, she of all people understood that impulse, though terrorizing mankind was usually her particular poison, but alcohol worked just as well. Regardless of that though, she didn't trust that Myka was safe. Not like that, with them. "I can see that. Where are you darling?" She figured sweetness would get her further than her anger right now.
"I am..where am I?" Myka snorted and then turned to the guy now whispering in her ear. "The Loft! I'm at The Loft in Rapid City."
Oddly enough, Helena knew the place. They had gone there as a group the night of Claudia's 21st birthday when the local bar closed early. Thankfully, it wasn't far. Twenty minutes tops. "Will you stay there? I'm going to come down, get you home or somewhere safely."
"Totally! Oh my God you guys are going to love Helena she's amazing!"
Helena couldn't help the smirk that twitched on her lips. Amazing indeed, amazingly violent if any of those drunk idiots laid a hand on her Myka. "I'll see you soon."
Closing the Farnsworth she returned to Pete, who was now fully awake, waiting for an answer. "Did you find her? Is she ok?"
"She's ok, for now. Drunk off her stupid ass, and surrounded by equally drunk men. She's only over in Rapid City. I'm going to go get her or at least her keys. It may be easier to get her to a hotel then back here. I will let you know when I have her."
"Thank you, Helena. Really. I can't, I can't have something happen to Mykes too." The anguish in his eyes made her heart ache for him. Somehow the Warehouse drew people like this to it, the broken, the lonely, the lost. The people who couldn't bear another loss yet inevitably would at the hands of endless wonder.
"You're welcome. She'll be ok Pete. I'll get her." Silently she grabbed the keys to Claudia's Prius, eased herself out of the B&B, and into the dark South Dakota night.
The endless sky of the West sometimes threatened to overpower her. She was so used to London, to the city, where stars were a rarity to witness through the smog. She was used to constantly being around noise and hustle, that the oppressive silence of this place made her want to scream sometimes. Except, except when she was with Myka. She had no way to explain it, what existed between them, somehow everything and nothing at once. Theirs was a relationship of simplicity and comfort. Myka, of all the members of the Warehouse,found the ability to forgive her her sins with some semblance of ease. Somehow Myka was able to see through the harsh veneer of anger and rage, to the heartbreak and loneliness that were so deeply embedded in her she didn't know if she'd ever be able to escape them. Yet somehow, with Myka, it seemed to dissipate, not quite disappear but what was once a gaping wound, had started to heal. She found she couldn't help herself when Myka was around. The sidelong looks, the not so subtle touches, any excuse to get closer to her. She knew Myka noticed. It seemed sometimes that she felt the same way, returning the looks, letting the touches linger more than intended. They existed in a strange realm of subtlety and indecision, clearly feeling something for the other but never quite being willing to speak it out loud. In many ways, as she had come to understand Myka, she feared this odd place of something and nothing would be all they ever had. Myka had already lost one partner, one she loved, and it was glaringly obvious that after Sam's death she walled herself up behind order and rules and control, just to keep herself together. Yet tonight, as Helena watched Claudia being torn apart by the loss of Steve, she couldn't help but feel that this dance of hers and Myka's was nothing but a glorious waste of time. There was no doubt that their lives were risky, that they could lose each other, that it could be painful, but was that really worth depriving themselves of a love that could erase the pain of the past? Why not instead of running away out of fear, they just let themselves love each other? Why not stop wasting the time they had together before it became too late, just as it had today for Steve and Claudia and the friendship of theirs that was unequal to anything else? Didn't they deserve to be happy? After over a century of pain, Helena felt that with Myka she might actually have a chance at real, true happiness. If only they'd give themselves a chance. But she feared that was something Myka would never do. These thoughts raced with her across the highway into the city. In only a small space of time she was pulling up in front of the only place still open at 3:30 in the morning in the middle of nowhere. The music thumped out into the quiet, shaking Helena from her thoughts, and leaving only one remaining. An ardent prayer that Myka was still in there.
This type of place made Helena's skin crawl. Of all the new things she'd experienced in 21st century these music-pumping, dance hall-esque bars were her least favorite. They were loud and filled with people far too intoxicated to have an intelligible conversation with. When she walked in she was mind-boggled that Myka would come some place like this, and yet at the same time completely understood why this would be the perfect place to go when you wanted to escape from everything. It didn't take long to find her once she walked in, because not only was Myka in the middle of the dance floor drawing an immense amount of attention to herself, buy also because the second Myka saw her she shouted out her name in what seemed excitement, and ran over to her.
"Helena! You came! What am I thinking you said you were going to! Whatever, come dance!"
Helena had underestimated just how drunk Myka was. Never in a sober state of mind would Myka think that dancing would be something Helena would ever entertain doing. "Myka, darling don't you think it might be time to go home? It's late, and you are unbelievably drunk."
"I know! It's just the best. I can't feel a thing." Myka's eyes were a bit unfocused, and Helena knew she had arrived barely in time, or it was more likely they'd be finding Myka very hungover and in the bed of
one of these frightfully idiotic men in the morning.
"Well, if that's the case it would seem mission accomplished. Shall we go?" She took Myka's wrist in an attempt to pull her towards the door, but despite being drunk Myka apparently was still strong. Instead of giving into Helena's prodding towards the door, Myka pulled back with a force that caused Helena to turn back towards her. Myka grabbed Helena's other hand, slipped it around her waist and turned them distinctly away from the door and towards the dance floor. The eyes Helena was greeted with were less unfocused somehow, and had a glint to them, of what she couldn't tell. It almost seemed like desire.
"One more dance," Myka whispered. "Then I'll go wherever you want to take me."
Definitely desire it would seem. Despite her best efforts, Helena couldn't help but relax a bit into Myka's touch. She knew she shouldn't, it would be a mistake of epic proportions to take any of Myka's actions as legitimate in this state, but hearing her say those things, with that look on her face, Helena would have to be inhuman to not feel a twinge of longing for what Myka seemed to be offering. She softened a bit, letting herself sink into Myka's arms far more than she should. "One more dance."
What the hell am I doing? Helena tried desperately to convince herself that this was merely what she had to do to get Myka to leave, but a voice in her head echoed through her rationality, "you know you'd do anything she asked right now."
The crowd of men that seemingly had been surrounding Myka all night tried to encircle her again as she pulled Helena onto the dance floor, but for the first time all night Myka didn't pay them any notice. Most of them had probably thought they were the one with the best chance to take her home, but once they saw her with Helena it became abundantly clear she was only going home with one person. The music was so loud Helena could feel it pounding in her chest but she didn't care because Myka's hands were on her hips trying her hardest to make her dance, forgetting that in Helena's time dancing looking wildly different from what Myka was seeking to do.
"Myka you know I have no idea how to dance," she had to scream to be heard and she felt idiotic, absolutely positive that she not only sounded strange, but also looked like a total fool.
"Just do what I'm doing, just move Helena."
Move. If only she could, but with Myka's hands where they were she felt like if she moved she would explode. She couldn't help it, she let herself go and melt into the feeling of Myka's hands on her, letting her control how they moved. It was as if the entire place disappeared. It was only her and Myka, moving together. She couldn't even process what song was playing, she was so focused on Myka. Her hands had left her hips, only to find Helena's hands, entwining their fingers together, and somehow managing to draw them closer to each other than before. She could feel every inch of Myka moving, her fingers grasping harder, unwilling to let Helena stray from her touch. Out of nowhere, Myka unglasped their hands and wrapped herself around Helena. It lasted only a second and then they were back as they were. Helena must have looked unbelievably confused because Myka gave her a wink and said, "just doing what the song said, it said to grab somebody sexy, so I did," and then she burst out laughing.
Helena's knees almost buckled underneath her. The look in Myka's eyes was enough to make her want to just drag her out to the car and beg her to take her. Yet, there was that voice again, "She's drunk. This isn't real." She knew it was true and if anything happened tonight she would drown in regret, and always wonder if it was only because Myka was too drunk to care who she slept with. If she hadn't shown up, Myka could have just as easily said the same thing to any of the guys who were just as anxious for her attention as Helena was. She shoved her thoughts to the back of her mind, and allowed herself a few more moments of ecstasy, feeling Myka's hands on her, feeling her hips moving, knowing that when the song ended, this moment was over too. The beat slowed, but Myka's hands stayed where they were. In a quiet moment, Helena caught the look on her face. She looked exhausted, and underneath the veneer of alcoholic exuberance, Helena saw the pain that still lingered in her, despite her best efforts to make it disappear. She looked hollow somehow, like she was only inches from falling off the cliff, and like she wouldn't give a damn if she did. The look was gone as quickly as it came, and Helena knew if she was going to get Myka out of there, now was the time. She refused to let go of Myka's hands, knowing if she did, there would be no getting her off the dance floor, but also because she was savoring the feeling of actually having Myka right there, touching her, willingly, without a need to hide it, or make it a passing thing. If she could hold onto her, maybe they both could keep themselves from falling apart.
"Myka, let's get out of here." It came out far more indecent sounding than she intended. She was going for quiet insistence, and instead it came out dripping with longing. Dammit. Her mind cried out, "There's no way you're going to keep this from happening, if you keep sounding like you're inches from tearing her clothes off." She could tell, that despite the alcohol coursing through her, the tone wasn't lost on Myka. Her eyes darkened, and she inched closer to Helena, if that was even possible.
"Ok…get me out of here."
Her thoughts were racing a million miles a minute, as she turned them towards the door. Somehow, she had come here to rescue Myka and get her home safely, but was leaving with her like she had just come in order to get her into bed. She knew she had to turn this around. She couldn't, she wouldn't let this happen, not now, not like this, no matter how badly she wanted it to. When they were finally free of the heat and the noise, Helena gasped in a breath of the cold night air, praying that it would soothe the burning searing through every inch of her body. It didn't help much, nothing would help. She was in too deep. In a mere few minutes, Myka had caused every feeling Helena had for her to the surface, and there was no way to push them back down. Worse yet, she was starting to feel certain that Myka wanted her too. Bloody hell, this is not how tonight was supposed to go. She looked at her watch 4 AM. It was four in the morning and she was standing in the cold night air of South Dakota, with a still fairly drunk Myka Bering hanging on her arm, continually asking her, "Where do you want to go?" in a tone that said Helena could take her anywhere, and Myka would follow.
They could go back to the B&B, be there by 4:30, and just let tonight slip away, but Helena's rationality wasn't working anymore. There was a hotel nearby. She was tired, Myka was close to passing out, she hoped, and she really didn't feel like driving, let alone trying to sneak her into the B&B without waking up Claudia who was still hopefully sleeping. She remembered she had told Pete she would call him when she got Myka, and knew where they were going. She pulled it out of her pocket, and he picked up almost instantly, "H.G., do you have Myka?"
Myka pulled the Farnsworth out of her hands quicker than she could have imagined, "PETE!"
Pete blew a breath out of her cheeks, clearly unaware of just how drunk Myka was, despite Helena's prior warnings when she left, "How ya doin' Mykes?"
"I am fucking fantastic!"
He laughed in spite of himself, "I can see that. Hey, Mykes let me talk to H.G., just for a sec."
She rolled her eyes, "Fine!"
"Jesus H.G, she's four sheets to the wind. I've never seen her like that. Is she really ok?"
"She is in rare form, no doubt about it, but she'll be ok. I just need to get her to bed." Oh boy, nice choice of words Helena. "I'm too tired to drive back tonight. There's a hotel just down the road, we'll stay there, and be home tomorrow, ok."
"Ok. Just be careful." The concern in Pete's eyes, reminded Helena just why he had grown on her so much in the last few months.
"We will, and Pete, don't worry. I'll take care of her. We'll see you tomorrow."
"Ok, thanks H.G., really."
"You're welcome. Oh, and Pete?"
"Yeah?"
"Try to get some sleep darling." She usually saved the endearments for Myka, and Claudia when she needed it, but Pete looked miserable, and she wanted him to know she was there for him too. They didn't need him spiraling out of control too.
"I will. I'll see you guys tomorrow," and the Farnsworth clicked off.