I sat in my chair at my computer screen, looking at the main menu screen of Five Nights at Freddy's. "Okay, someone said I should play this because I had Deadpool play it and it basically scared him shitless. So I had to spend 5 dollars downloading and installing it into my computer. So, let's do this, then." I said, then noticed Freddy staring at me every now and then on the screen when he came from the static. "The fuck are you staring at, asshole?" I said, starting it, looking at the screen, which turned into a newspaper add. "Alright, blah, blah, blah... $120 a week?! What kind of bullshit is that! To work 6 hours, 5 nights a week and make that much?! That's not even minimum wage! I used to make more than that when I only worked 4 hours, 3 nights a week! *sigh* Whatever, let's just do this..." I said, continuing. I was then presented with this in the middle of the screen: 12:00 a.m, night 1. "Oh. It's a midnight job. Okay. Whatever." I said, waiting for the screen to load, putting me in a rather small office. "So, this is the game? I'm in a tiny-ass office with nothing to do? Wow, what a fantastic game so far..." I said sarcastically.
Suddenly, the phone began to ring. "Um... Where is it?" I asked, looking around, not finding it anywhere. "Phone... PHONE?... WHERE THE HELL'S THE DAMN PHONE?!" I snapped. Suddenly, it picked up. "Oh, okay, I answered it." I said, nodding and calming down.
"Hello? Hello?" The guy asked.
"Hi." I said indifferently.
"I wanted to record a message for you... To help you get settled in on your first night." He said.
"Okay, thanks." I said.
"I actually worked in that office before you." He continued.
"Oh, cool." I said.
"I'm finishing up my last week now as a matter of fact-"
"Good for you."
"So, I know it can be a bit overwhelming-"
"Overwhelming? How the hell is this overwhelming?"
"So, I wanna tell you there's nothing to worry about-"
"OBVIOUSLY. Literally NOTHING could happen in this place. NOTHING."
"You'll be fine."
"Of course I will! I'm one of the most badass motherfuckers of all time!" I said in my voice of Dave Chapelle's voice of Rick James.
"So, let's just focuse on getting you through your first week, okay?"
"Yeah, sure, whatever, I don't care."
"Uh, let's see... First there's the introductory greeting from the company that I'm supposed to read you-"
"Ugh..."
"It's kind of a legal thing, you know-"
"Fuck the law." I said like Dashie in his Above Da Law! video.
"Welcome to Freddy Fazbear's pizza-"
"Well, thanks a-fucking-lot."
"A magical place for kids and grownups alike-"
"Yeah this place looks REAL frickin' magical. Look at these guys, I bet they sing a MEAN tune." I said sarcastically, looking at the poster of the animatronic band.
"Where fantasy and fun come to life-"
"Oh, yeah, I'm gonna have LOTS of fun here." I said sarcastically.
"Fazbear entertainment is not responsible for damaged property or person-"
"Oh, well thanks fucking great! Good thing I have good insurance. Allstate, motherfucker!"
"Upon discovering a damaged person or death, a missing person's report will be filed within 90 days-"
"Wait, WHAT?! If you discover a dead person, why would you need a missing person's report?! And 90 days?! It should be reported as soon as possible?! You report a missing person 90 days after they've gone missing, the cop will say straight to your face: 'aw, that motherfucker pro'ly dead already'. Ghetto police officer." I'm gonna skip the next part, he talked a little too fast for me, something about after everything's been cleaned and the carpets have been replaced. "Oh, well, nice to know my person self is less of a priority... THAN FUCKING CARPETS!"
"Now, that might sound bad, I know, but there's really nothing to worry about-"
"Yeah, I know, because ain't nobody gonna gonna make me look a fool! Nothing can happen to me, I'm a demon ninja prince!"
"The animatronics here do get a bit quirky at night-"
"Oh, I bet they do a mean rendition of taking care of business!"
"But do I blame them? No-"
"Yeah, it's the owner's job to keep them in working condition, the cheap bastard!"
"I mean, if I had to sing those same songs for 20 years and I never got a bath, I'd be a bit irritable at night, too-"
[We're already irritable.]
And it's only our first night!
"Yeah, I'd probably fuck somebody up."
"So, just keep in mind-"
[Which one?]
"These characters hold a special place in the hearts of children, so just show them a little respect, alright?"
"What?!"
They're not real!
[They're pretty much life-less, life-sized robotic dolls.]
"So, just be aware the characters do tend to wander a bit-"
"[What? Wander?!]"
"They're set into some type of free-roaming mode at night-"
"Oh, well ain't that great! Malfunctioning robots running around as they please at night. That's a fan-gods-damn-tastic idea." I said.
[NOT!]
but then something flickered in front of the screen: The words "It's me" and the flickering on the bear animatronic's face going from normal to blue to normal. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the-!? What's going on?!" I said, checking the cameras and everything. "The fuck was that?!"
"Something about their servos locking up if they stay turned off for too long-"
"Jeez, when' the last time these things were inspected?"
"They used to be able to walk around during the day, too, but then there was 'The Bite of 87-'"
"Oh, I'd just love to hear this story!"
"Yeah. It's amazing that the human body can live without the frontal lobe-"
"Wait, what?!"
It can?!
[I think he was more concerned that these things can bite down AS FAR AS THE BRAIN!]
"Audio only?" I asked, confused as I looked at the kitchen camera to find it was black, saying "Camera disabled, audio only".
"Now, concerning your safety-"
"I'm always safe. NOTHING in this restaurant can harm me! And even if they can, Draco and Damion would make them suffer!"
"The only real risk to you, if any-"
"Is nothing..."
"-Is the fact that these characters- if they happen to see you after hours, probably won't recognize you as a person-"
"That's okay, I'm a demon."
"They'll most likely see you as a metal endoskeleton, without its costume on-"
"Oh, that sounds AWESOME!"
Yeah, we're tougher than metal anyway!
['Bout time we get our recognition!]
"Now, since that's against the rules here at Freddy's Fazbear pizza, they'll probably try to... Forcefully stuff you inside a Freddy Fazbear suit.
[WHAT?!]
"Well, they can fucking try!"
"Now, that wouldn't be so bad if the suits weren't filled with crossbeams, wires and animatronic devices. Especially around the facial area."
"Yeah, that don't sound good."
"So, you could imagine how having your head forcefully stuffed inside one of those could cause a bit of discomfort-"
"To say the least!"
"And death."
"YOU DON'T FUCKING SAY?!"
We can't die! Not even from that!
[Still an experience I'd rather not go through...]
"The only parts of you that would see the light of day again would be your eyeballs and teeth that pop out the front of the mask-"
"That'd be awesome! Give those little shits something to remember on their 'magical' visit to this place! You don't get much more magical than a demon scrunched up inside a robot!"
"Yeah, they don't tell you these things when you sign up-"
"GOSH, I WONDER WHY?!"
"So, nothing to worry about-"
"Besides the threat of these metal animal bastards stuffing me in a FUCKING ROBOT?!"
"I'll chat with you tomorrow-"
"Yeah. And when we do, I'm gonna bust you in the gods-damn face."
"Just remember to check those cameras and close the doors only when absolutely necessary. Gotta conserve power-"
"[WHAT?!]"
"Alright, good night." He finished, hanging up.
"Yeah, thanks a lot, asshole!"
Couldn't have told us like 'Hey, these motherfuckers WILL. KILL. YOU. So bring a gun! And if you see one, FUCKING RUN.
[That sums up what he was saying in literally 5 seconds, depending on your reading speed.]
"Whatever, let's just get down to this..." I grumbled, checking the cameras, looking at all of them on the stage. "Yeah, you stay RIGHT THE FUCK THERE."
Nobody's getting past us on our first night!
[We don't play no games.]
I kept flipping through the cameras, but nothing was happening and I was quickly getting bored. "Boy, this is, uh... This is exhilarating." I said unexcitedly. "Can I at least turn on the TV or.. No? Whatever." I said, looking back at the cameras. "I guess this is the game! Looking at security cameras! Oh, boy! Ain't that fucking fantastic?!" I said in annoyance and boredom.
Hey, let's call over Damion!
[Yeah, this is WAY too boring on our own.]
After a quick text, he was now in the room with us, getting up to speed on the situation by reading the above, now watching as I played the game. Needless to say, his reaction was very similar. "This is boring as hell." He said, watching.
"Yep. Whee..." I said, bored, looking from side to side slowly, before bringing up the cameras again.
"This sure is FUN!" He said angrily and annoyed.
"Right? Look at all the things I can do! I can look at THAT camera (backstage). And THAT one (Supply closet)." I said, going to the kitchen camera, which was still blacked out,
"Oh, my god, what if we wanted to look at that one?!" Damion said sarcastically worried or concerned.
"Then we're screwed! We can only HEAR things in there!" I said
"Oh, that's spooky! Isn't it?!" He snapped.
[LAME!]
It was now 3 am and NOTHING happened. Ugh... Why the hell did you want me to play this?! I sighed. "Nothing." I said, then looked at the many terrible children's drawings. "These children's drawings are terrifying. What do you guys think?" I asked the animatronics, flipping to the backstage screen where they were. "Ah, what the hell do you guys care, you guys are boring." I said, putting the cameras down.
"Your conversation with the phone guy was more entertainment than this!" Damion said annoyed.
We started humming a little song like what's at the beginning of a cartoon before I checked the cameras again. "You still there?" I asked the animatronics, which they were, but then the screen went black, but I was putting it down, so I didn't really notice. "Good for you." I said, looking around the office again.
"That's fun." Damion said sarcastically.
"Anything out there?" I asked, somewhat hopefully and expectantly, looking at the right door light, but there was- "Nothing." I said, moving to the left one, hitting the light.
"Nope." Damion said.
I then brought up the camera on the stage, revealing the bunny was gone. "Oh, good, now I get to do something!" I said somewhat happily.
"FINALLY." Damion sighed.
"Because ONE decided to move." I said, looking at the cameras.
"Where is he?" Damion asked.
I clicked the west hall and found him somewhat creepily silhouetted in the middle of the hall. "Oh, there he is. Hey friend! How's it going?" I asked, boredom still clear in my voice.
"Just chillin' there?" Damion asked.
I clicked back to the stage to find the duck thing gone as well. "Uh-oh. Now two of them are gone." I said.
"Where'd the other one go?" Damion asked as I flipped through the cameras.
"Ah, there he is." I said, locating him in the dining area, then let out a sigh. "Yep! Good times." I said uncaringly.
"Yep. You just keep chillin' there. Got ALL the time in the world." Damion said.
"I've still got 2 hours to kill!" I said, fake-excitedly.
I FEEL like killing something.
[Amen. We should hunt these things down and kill them.] … At this point, I started humming rihana's verse in the chorus of Eminem's 'monster'.
"This feels like it's been taking 2 hours." Damion grumbled.
"Doesn't it, though?!" I agreed, the most emphasis I've shown all night after the conversation. I then looked to the west hall to see that the bunny moved again. "Oh, wait, did you move? Where did you go?" I asked, hitting the right door light.
"Not there." Damion said, then I hit the left one. "Not there." He said, annoyance and boredom back in his voice.
"I don't see him." I said, looking around, until I got to the Supply Room. "Oh, there he is." I said, then clicked to other cameras, but they were all black.
"Oh, everything's off." Damion said.
"Okay." I said. I checked the door lights a few times, locating the bunny in the west hall again. "Well, there you are." I said.
"What about your friend?" Damion asked.
I started checking various cameras on the left as I started hearing noises in that general area. "Where the hell'd the duck go?" I asked, to which Damion shrugged. "Whatever." I said, closing the doors on both sides. "TRY AND GET ME NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS!" I said triumphantly, laughing, even getting Damion to chuckle.
"Where are they, though, seriously?" He asked.
I clicked back to the west hall where the bunny still was. "Okay, you're there." I said, then clicking the kitchen, STILL unable to see anything, but that's where all the noise was coming from. "Okay, so the duck's fuckin' around in the kitchen..." I said, looking at the other cameras.
"It's the only other option, really." Damion said.
"Okay, still there." I said, referring to the bunny in the west hall, then clicking onto the kitchen, where the noise continued.
"Duck's still fucking around in the kitchen." Damion noted.
"I bet he's having a good time!" I said in boredom. I sighed and check the time. "Oh, 5 am." I said, clicking back to the kitchen, where the noise stopped. "Oh, ducks not in the kitchen anymore." I said, checking the right door light.
"Okay..." Damion said as I flipped through all the cameras. We both let out a sigh before I clicked on the East hall, revealing him. "THERE'S the duck!" He said pointedly.
"You guys are just chillin' there, okay. Got my eyes on you!" I said, flipping back and forth between screens.
"What an exhilarating night job-" Damion said, before he noticed the bunny was gone. "Oh, he moved." He said, to which I hit the door lights and saw nothing.
"Whatever, I got like an hour to kill." I said, dropping the doors again, as I opened them shortly before finding out where the duck was when he was fucking around in the kitchen. "Do do do, do do do, dah dah dah DAH dah dah." I sang a bit to make things more lively.
"God, this is fucking boring, Jesus!" Damion said as I lifted the doors again.
"Whatever, come and get me! I'm a prince of the Blade clan you shits!" I said, then the screen did the thing in the bear that caught me off-guard before.
"The hell was that?!" Damion said, getting caught off-guard like I had.
"What?" I asked, shrugging it off, uneffected that time. Suddenly, the bell tolled as it went from 5 am to 6 am. "Whee!" I said, still obviously bored.
Then little kids started cheering "yay". "Yay!" Both of us said, still clearly in boredom.
"Fuck you! This game is stupid." I said just after I finished the fake "yay", but then an idea popped into my head.
[Although...]
I think I have a way to have fun with it!
I explained it to Damion and we both broke out into evil laughter until the phone rang. "GO TO HELL!" We shouted at the same time.