Sakura was a cheerful person. But was she really? Or was it all a mask to hide her true feelings? What were her true feelings, anyway? Well, for one thing, it was always hard to smile.

EVERLASTING THOUGHTS

It's hard, isn't it? Hard to smile like you've got no worries in the world; hard to laugh as if there are no cares; hard to to have fun, knowing your little glass bubble of happiness will shatter instantly. It's hard to understand why you've been cursed this way; why you are forced to live this way. You cannot smile sincerely, can't laugh wholeheartedly. You are afraid to try to make any friends.

You are afraid they will leave you or be taken away. You are afraid that maybe, just maybe, you'll be taken away. Those jaded eyes of yours, is there anything at all behind them?

People tell you to be happy. You want to shout at them, You can't just be happy. You need to feel it or you're just pretending. You want to break down when you see people all around you content and you not a part of that atmosphere. You nearly do, don't you?

Who wouldn't, with only their thoughts for company, all day, everyday? Where's the respite? Where's the repose? Why can't you fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow, no matter how exhausted you are? Is there a reason? Probably not any you can talk about. But there is one. And you know it in your heart.

You feel like an outcast, unable to socialise. You know you will not be accepted for who you are. If you are accepted, you will be forced to change. And why not? Why not change? You don't like the way you are now, do you? But you cannot change. Not really. Not inside. Not in the depths of your mind. That same way a murderer at heart will be a murderer. Doesn't matter if he is a respectable member of the community. He's still a murderer, isn't he? In his thoughts, mind or even subconscious. In the same way, you can't change.

You feel all alone, don't you? You've got no one to turn to. You desperately want someone to save you. But you don't actually want to be saved. You are so used to your own world that you think leaving it would completely shatter you. Your world is only held together by a thin thread which is already threatening to break. And if it does? Then what? Will you be able to pick up the pieces? Will you be able to start over, bit by bit, from the beginning? You won't, will you? It's not so simple. It's hard, isn't it, to know that your worst fears will come true, no matter what you do?

Look at me. Here I am smiling a bitter smile as I address these words to yours truly. How true they are. How real. I do feel this way. I wonder, does anyone else find it hard? Hard to be happy wholeheartedly. I really don't think so. It's hard, isn't it? Yes, it is. Very hard.

These thoughts never leave my mind. They probably never will. Come to think of it. my whole outlook is a mask, isn't it? And such a fine mask that no one can ever see through it. I can make my eyes shine with happiness when all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry. I can make tears break out when I'm feeling just alright. Even when I get hurt, anyone hardly finds out. I make sure they don't. And no one knows. No one ever will.

Why do I have a mask of emotions that I can never take off? Why don't I want the world to see my true face- the one that never smiles or laughs, the one that never cries? Nothing can ever surprise me anymore, did you know? I'm beyond surprise, beyond shock, and probably beyond repair. So I'm just left this way for the rest of my life.

My true face, my jaded eyes, my black void of a world, all that's left; irreparable, inconsolable, shattered like a broken window; my heart, dark and foreboding; my soul, unable to reach out to light, engulfed in the darkness it now prefers; my mind, no more naive the way it was; roles reversed; my never-ending thoughts; unemotional realms; depths no one can reach; mind fast-forward; dreams dead; hopes lost; forever gone; my truly everlasting thoughts.

"Mom, I've grown up. But is this what growing up means? If it is, then I just wish I could stay the child I once was."

There's a another reason for writing this small one-shot about thoughts. Incidentally, these also happen to be my thoughts most of the time. Its easier to show this sort of thing to strangers so no one in my family has ever seen these words. They are my personal, private, my innermost thoughts. The above passage was originally written at 5:52 pm - 18/12/2011.

~Ayesha