Summary: When a young scholar was summoned by the Emperor to shed light on a political matter, Lan Fan didn't expect that she would also be learning a thing or two from him about speaking out her mind.
It had been four years since Ling Yao was crowned Emperor of Xing, and Xing had come to the conclusion that the Dawn Emperor was an unconventional ruler. He challenged archaic traditions of the country which, to his own volition, would lead to its own demise and detriment. While a lot had lauded him for his creativity, the older people criticized him, of course. And the stronger clans. And the bureaucrats also.
When he assumed the throne, his policies scandalized a lot of people. On top of his tier of radical reforms was the unification of the fifty clans (which was met by a mixed swarm of criticisms), alongside the integration of Xing to the international political arena.
The next agenda on his list was entering an economic treaty with Aerugo. Of course he had consulted a multitude of scholars who specialize in economics and commerce, but it was always Mei Chang whom he relied the most. But since the Princess was finishing her research dissertation on her alkahestry, her visits to the Imperial Palace had become sporadic. Which led to Ling impatiently meeting with a man Mei sent in her place.
"State your name and purpose," Ling said.
A young lean man stood before the Emperor's throne. He Carried himself with a sense of pride but not proud enough to insult. The man bowed. "My name is Xuezhe of the Hai clan, and I hail from the South Lands of the Vermilion Bird. I was summoned by the courts to be of assistance to the Emperor in the entering of the trade treaty with Aerugo. Aside from the status of jieyuan, this one specialized in public policy and alkahestry, and knowledgeable of the philosophy of the Yuh-gāa texts. This one is also equipped with the practical knowledge of western alchemy."
From behind the pillars, a third soul lurked the throne room. Lan Fan observed the scholar. Interesting, she thought to herself. The young man's credentials were quite impressive, and the fact that Princess Chang sent for him as her replacement meant that he is competent. She, however, sensed that the Emperor was not impressed. He was dubious in trusting other consultants.
"Uh huh," Ling loftily placed his chin over his knuckles. "If Chang trusts you, then perhaps I can rely on you. She described her affinity with you by stating that you shared your dissertation with her," the Emperor said.
"That is correct, my lord. The Princess Chang and I are established colleagues."
"Alright then. What did Chang relay?"
"The Princess had left in my hands her report of the current economic statuses of both Xing and Aerugo. Since Aerugo is primarily bordered by seas in the south, the country's main exports are pearls and crude oil. The report also provided Aerugo-Amestris trade partnership as a point of comparison," Xuezhe said.
"And what about the comparative analysis?"
"During the reign of late Fuhrer-President, King Bradley, Aerugo and Amestris were on a hostile footing. Aerugo even provided arms to Ishval during the Ishval Civil War, highlighting more of their conflict with Amestris. It is only during General Grumman's term did the conflict reach resolution."
"It is too early to say how the economic ties are faring for both countries, however. Did Chang advise to not enter the treaty?"
"The Princess did not have anything stated in her report that goes against such."
Ling clapped his hands. "It's settled then. Xing is entering economic relations with Aerugo."
"If the Imperial Majesty permits, but this one wishes to provide insight."
Lan Fan raised her eyebrows at the young man's boldness. She looked at the emperor as he studied the young man who held himself with boldness.
"Proceed," Ling said.
"I do not wish to sound tactless, but the Dawn Emperor's action of establishing economic ties with Amestris two years ago has caused quite of a stir from the nationalists. Apparently, they weren't too fond of the inter-country integration as they thought that it would leave Xing vulnerable to foreign investors."
Ling did not respond immediately. From what her senses told her, Lan Fan assumed that Ling was not quite happy with what the young man has just said. As the pillars prohibited her from seeing Ling's face clearly, she sensed that Ling's Dragon's Pulse was imitating the intensity of a trouble lake.
"Are you saying that there are those who contest my decisions for the country?"
Lan Fan knew this was a trick question. Of course they all know the answer to this question.
"Yes, my king."
Another deafening silence filled the throne room. She didn't flinch nor breathe until Ling finally spoke.
"Thank you for the insight, Xuezhe. I shall have my decision finalized by tomorrow morning. You may be discharged."
The man bowed for the last time and exited the throne room.
He never talked to her casually anymore. Not even when they were alone. It was alienating on her part, since it was a new sort of treatment from Ling. Ever since their return from Amestris, a lot of things changed for the two of them. The estrangement did not actually occur until Ling was crowned Dawn Emperor of Xing.
Amestris changed them in a lot of ways. Amestris was...liberating. The western world thrived on liberal ideologies, and Lan Fan had always been amazed by how emancipating their ideals were. It was a revolutionary breakthrough. She had never seen a culture of peoples move so diversely and fluidly as that in Amestris. And the women, especially the women—oh, how Lan Fan envied them! Had Fuu lived and heard her thoughts, she would have earned a good slap from him for even thinking of such vanity. Amestrian women possessed the strongest hearts Lan Fan ever saw. Edward Elric's fiancé, Winry Rockbell, was not groomed to keep the house in order and in place—she pursued dreams and passion, and no man ever scoffed at the woman's attempt. She was respected in her field. In fact, she even excelled in the field of mechanical automail engineering. Lan Fan, on her part however, received haughty laughter when people learned that a praetorian woman served as a crown prince's personal guard. If only she could carry herself with such dignity as the Amestrian women did!
Lan Fan did not scoff at Xingese culture and tradition—she was just restricted in the isolated world of Xing. With that, she would never ever forget Amestris.
Of course, she had her few theories as to why her liege refrained from talking to her. Their relationship used to be undeniably intact; their journey to Amestris changed them in more than a couple of ways. It pained to see her king grow out his comedic self. She could only guess just how painful the experience of having to tend to thousands of souls and one homunculus in his body. She on the other part, lost her only family.
Every time the Emperor entered his private chambers, she wished that he would talk to her. She wished that Ling would just drop the whole act they were putting up in front of nosy people and address her just as he used to back in Amestris—just like a person. She chastised herself mentally every time she caught herself wishing for this. Who was she to demand more than of her duty?
Lan Fan from behind her mask looked at him. In reality, it was just for a moment, but it felt that it stretched so for hours. It was a plea. Look at me. Say something, at least. I still am a person.
But Ling never spared her a glance. Lan Fan bowed and left the room.
The currents of the Dragon's Pulse raced through Lan Fan's skin like lightning and electricity—the Emperor's tension indicated that he was well aware at the look in Lan Fan's eyes. It was a deliberate choice to not look at her.
On some days, Lan Fan thought she may be a sad person after all. She used to not have the time to reflect on her emotions, but things never fell into place after the death of Fuu. Legends said that once a soul departs from its body, it undergoes a process of beautiful decay: the breath becomes one with the wind and clouds, the sweat and tears with dew and rain, the blood with the river, the eyes with the stars and cosmos, the voice with the roars of thunders, the limbs with the hands of the compass of the earth. Lan Fan would look at her windowsill on days where the weather could not be made out. She would listen to the lost sparrows twittering their hearts out.
As the senile body of Fuu became one with the earth, retiring back to its organic origins, Lan Fan wondered whatever happened to his soul. Maybe the lost sparrows on her windowsill had an idea. Or who knows, maybe one of them was Fuu's soul.
Sometimes, she forgot that she had a voice in the first place. It was in the comforting songs of the lost swallows that would remind her that she had a voice. Loneliness crept up on her like a meticulous madman ready to frame her for a murder she did not even commit.
True to her brand, she was always by his side.
But on tamed lazy days, the Emperor relieved his Shadow. He preferred being alone now when the palace courts were closed and the he was not hearing petitions from people, or when there were no sessions summoned by him with the consuls to discuss of Xing's political and economic policies. It was one of those days when Ling told her to loosen up. She was always hesitant to leave his side, but he would always reassure her that he would be fine on his own and he will be committing no attempts of sneaking out of the palace.
"I won't be leaving my chambers. Take the afternoon off."
The guard did not shift in her stance. She also dared not speak to contradict him. In the simpler days, it would have been easy. Like the assertive women of Amestris, she used to aver that no, young master, grandfather said to stay put.
Now she merely pleaded with her eyes through the slit of her mask. Had anyone had seen her actions, she would definitely be reprimanded for such misbehavior. She looked him directly in the eye, but he strayed his eyes away from hers.
The Emperor took a deep breath. "Look, I promise I won't leave the chambers until twilight. Just…take the noon off."
As quick as a zap, the starkness in her eyes relaxed. Her eyes tendered as she sighed in defeat. With a bow, she pivoted on her heel and left the Emperor alone.
The Dawn Emperor resided in the Jiāo Tài Diàn Hall located at the center of the Inner Court. Lan Fan found herself straddling along the eastern wing of the Hall when the Emperor told her to take the afternoon off. She was not quite sure where she was heading but her feet dragged her to the humanities library and archives.
In her rough estimations, the archive room was as huge as the throne room, if not larger. It was musty and rather humid, and it smelled of damp earth after a summer rain shower. The library at the Yao House did not even hold a candle to the colossal one in the Emperor's Hall.
Lan Fan mused around the towering shelves. It seemed that they were recently cleaned and dusted. If she were to do the cleaning, preserving and bookkeeping of all the records, she would have drowned the moment she started flipping through the catalogue. She recalled the time before they left for Amestris; she and the Emperor spent days locked up in the library of the Yao House as Ling crammed all important information in the last minute, consuming one piece of knowledge after the other—geography, the tale of Xerxes, basic alchemy, the proper Amestrian grammar and greetings.
Lan Fan ended up in between the shelves of categories of Xingese literature and art. She ran her metallic fingers across the row of spines of poetry.
"Hello," said a voice.
Like a panther about to prowl, Lan Fan quickly snapped out of her dreamy trance. She turned on her heel, facing the direction of the voice. Was her guard that idly down that she failed to sense the approach of another pulse near her?
"Sorry about that. I didn't mean to scare you."
It was the young scholar from the Hai clan sent by Princess Chang on her place. He offered her an amicable smile. Lan Fan straightened herself immediately. She silently thanked the gods as her mask refrained the young man from seeing her beet red flustered face.
"I was not aware the Emperor's Shadow was fond of literature."
Lan Fan struggled for words to come out of her. She was no longer used to being talked to. She cleared her throat before attempting to speak again. "I, uh, I am not fond of it, actually."
"Oh? Is that so?" she could see the subtle disappointment in the shift of the young man's irises. "Perhaps more of the practical sciences appeal to you?"
Lan Fan simply shook her head.
"Huh. Not the sciences, not the arts then," he pulled a thick hardbound book from the shelves and flipped through the crisp pages. "Did alchemy ever leave a mark on you then? When you visited Amestris, I mean?"
Lan Fan felt her face grew hotter with her embarrassment rising. She simply was a shy person. Also, she found talking and chatting rather inconvenient. She was supposed to be the Emperor's Shadows, and shadows do not speak. Of course, there had been improvements on her shyness in the past years, however. She overcame the initial reaction of stuttering and fiddling when being spoken to. But it had been months since she had the last decent conversation.
The young scholar, Xuezhe, was kind and considerate in his approach to Lan Fan. He was aware that he startled Lan Fan. Gently rowing through the course of the conversation, he tried to be cordial.
"Alchemy," she cleared her throat. "is something I do not quite understand."
Xuezhe smiled at her. "But you spent years in the land of alchemy, did you not?"
"I did. But I never transmuted anything. Not everyone in Amestris does alchemy."
The young man chuckled. "Of course. It was just an assumption that maybe alchemy strikes your liking. The western lands utilize the art in such different manner compared to alkahestry."
Lan Fan felt her face reddened again. Thank the gods for my mask, again. She thought that she sounded too off-putting in her last response. Clearly, the young man was just being polite by asking about her thoughts on alchemy. He did not know anything about her, instead of the fact that she accompanied the Emperor to Amestris, the alchemy capital.
"Isn't alchemy a science instead of art?" she asked.
"Alchemy? A science?"
"The Amestrians, the alchemists, they used it as a form of art, I think. They could convert cement to statues."
"I suppose it all boils down to perspective."
"Perspective?"
"Sure. One may even use it as a way of living," Xuezhe returned the book back to the shelves, and continued to rummage through the other titles.
"Forgive my asking, but didn't you mention that you are an alkahestrist? In your introduction to the Emperor, that is."
"Yes. That is how I made acquaintance with Lady Chang. We exchanged researches since our specialization, though not the same, are closely related to each other. Lady Chang is specializing in medicine, while I in physical therapy."
Lan Fan recalled that her automail mechanic was a renowned alkahestrist who also specialize in physical therapy. She wondered if Xuezhe knew him.
The young man reverted his gaze from the rows of books to Lan Fan. From his post, he studied her intently. It only made her blush even harder. "I don't think I have the best impression on you now. Especially with my boldness in speech, and with the consultation with the Emperor earlier. I would like to apologize for that."
"You are just doing your job. The Emperor appreciates frank honesty instead of flowery telltales."
"Well, it was nice talking with you, my lady. I shall see you around."
"Likewise."
"Oh, I never caught a name," Xuezhe said. On that day, Lan Fan should have tallied how many times she was embarrassed by Xuezhe's straightforwardness. She knew she admired him for that, despite for having talked to him for just a couple of minutes, but sometimes she wished she could retreat back to the darkness like a shadow.
She was simply no longer used to kindness.
"Lan Fan," she supplied. "My name is Lan Fan."
"Alright then, Lady Lan Fan. It was nice meeting you."
Lan Fan found herself a friend.
It had been a long time since an affair excited her. On the days the Emperor relieved her from her post, she would bolt for the library since Xuezhe killed his time in the company of literature.
Xuezhe extended his stay in the imperial palace as per the request of the Emperor. This was because the Emperor heeded Xuezhe's advice, and suspended the signing of the economic treaty with Aeurugo. He was simply waiting for the Emperor to summon his presence, alongside that of the Minister of Commerce, to finally decide on the agreement with Aerugo.
"You are quite well-versed in a lot of things," Lan Fan said.
The scholar chuckled. They were seated in the long desks in the library. Three books were opened before Xuezhe beside a fresh roll of parchment paper and quill by his side as opposed to the traditional brush. "Not really, my lady. I was just doing my job."
"You persuaded the Emperor in holding the signing of the trade treaty with Aerugo."
"Ah. Lady Chang might have just overlooked the possible implications should we immediately enter trade with foreign countries. She's as busy as a bull." Xuezhe's quill scratched on the surface of parchments as he jotted down notes.
"The Emperor is racking his head with this treaty with Aerugo. He might be pushing himself too hard."
"The Emperor is a good emperor," Xuezhe carefully placed the tip of his quill on top of the lid of his ink bottle. He stretched his arms and held the parchment nearer to his eyes and laid down on top of the table to dry. "Though not quite popular to a certain some, he has done a lot in a matter of just four years. They just do not like his unconventional ways."
"His unconventional ways bring about change."
"And people are afraid of change. Don't you think, lady?"
Lan Fan shrugged.
"A good emperor is also a kind emperor, and Lady Chang has attested to Emperor Yao's kindness."
"She told you that? And to think she berates the Emperor in front of him," Lan Fan couldn't help but giggle at the thought.
"She did. She has proclaimed nothing but the goodness of the Emperor. She spoke highly of him. Not to mention that he is the intelligent one too."
"But he does not like to study commerce and economics, particularly," Lan Fan added and let out a small laugh.
"And that's just what makes him a better Emperor. He is skeptical that is why he frequently consults Lady Chang."
Lan Fan's eyes veered away from Xuezhe. He was right, she thought, that the Emperor was a good emperor. That the Emperor was a good, kind and smart emperor altogether. She couldn't help but smile with satisfaction that her young Lord despite being met with travails and strong criticisms was going down the right path. Fuu would have been immensely proud.
"The Emperor must have had it in his stars," Xuezhe said, causing Lan Fan to avert her attention back to him.
"His stars? You mean his reading?"
"Sure. He must have been fated right from the start to make Xing great."
"I suppose so."
A pause ensued. Lan Fan studied the young scholar sitting across her. He closed his books and stacked them neatly atop each other. He then clasped his hands, placing it on top of the desk.
"Do you mind if I ask you about your reading?" Xuezhe asked.
Lan Fan bit her lower lip. She did not know of her star charts. Usually, it was the new mothers who approach divination tellers to seek for the reading of their children's fates. Lan Fan did not know if her own mother had her fate read. If she did, Fuu never mentioned anything. She told Xuezhe that she had no idea what her star chart spoke about her.
"I would have taken a look at your palms instead," Xuezhe said.
"But my other palm is metal."
"That is fine," he screwed his ink bottle closed and scooped up the parchment papers. "Unlike these reports, the fates are not written with indelible ink, my lady. It is your own will to heed or stray from your providence."
When Lan Fan returned to Ling's chambers that night to resume her post, her soul was radiating.
It radiated so brightly that Ling's dormant Dragon's Pulse awakened immediately the moment Lan Fan entered the room. Lan Fan's energy was like a Drachman tundra in the showers of sunlight and the first flowers blooming in the face of spring. Ling observed Lan Fan discreetly. Something was different.
Most of the times, Lan Fan's energy was a tamed fox. An undisturbed body of water. But what could have made her as unsettled as she was at that moment?
It would have been easy if he just asked her. But he no longer talked to her, he recalled. It was Ling's own actions which led to them in a certain situation. Apparently, he was unworthy to know just why she was ecstatic and happy.
"You may want to keep your qi in check," he remarked.
Lan Fan straightened her stance at Ling's words. He felt that her qi fell to slumber. "Oh. I did not notice. Apologies, my Lord."
Well, that was an attempt, he thought to himself. He tried to get her to to talk, and he knew it was a futile shot. It annoyed him that he could never talk to her as casually as they did before. "If you're going to have your qi swarm all over the place, you might as well shout to everyone that your guard is down. Just tell me if you're tired of doing your job."
It wasn't his intention to lash out on her, but he just did.
"Understood, my lord."
"Understood?" he echoed. Ling felt a vein in his head popped. He knew that Lan Fan did nothing wrong, but he failed to comprehend why was he so frustrated with Lan Fan. "Understood what exactly, huh, Lan Fan? Well, from what I understand in your actions, you are tired of doing your job. That's it, isn't it?"
Lan Fan's eyebrows crunched in confusion. She failed for words to come out of her lips. The Emperor just accused her of dissatisfaction and ingratitude! How could she even defend herself?
"You're mistaken, Your Highness. I could neve—"
"Please!" He ran his hands over his face, exhibiting how much worse his frustration was getting. "Will you just cut the bullshit, Lan Fan? Just drop it, for once."
Lan Fan paused. For awhile, this was all she was ever praying for from him—to acknowledge her presence. That she was there. But now that Ling was talking to her, he was very pissed off. She could feel Ling's frustration spread to her own skin, like a leech sucking the radiating happiness she entered the room with.
"You're frustrated," she said.
"I. Am not. I am not frustrated," he lied.
"You are. I just don't understand why."
"Would you please be honest with me? Can you do that, Lan Fan?"
"Of course, my Lord."
"Are you tired, huh? Do you not want to do this anymore? Because if you are, then be my guest!"
"Why are you angry? I don't understand why you're angry."
Ling didn't respond. He turned his back at her and walked towards his desk. Mountains of reports and petitions were stacked.
"If in any way, I wronged you, I'm sorry." Lan Fan said. Ling placed his hands over the desk. "It may not be my intention, but I'm sorry."
Well, that's not fair, Ling thought to himself. He was every bit unfair to her. She never wronged him; if anything, it was he who owed her an apology. It was he who jumped into conclusions rashly. And how could he even doubt her loyalty to him? At the moment, he had a hard time contemplating that his frustration stemmed from the fact that Lan Fan was in fact happy. And it had been a long time since Lan Fan was happy. Old habits die hard, and if that was even a consolation on his part, vainly he convinced himself that Greed never actually left him.
Not knowing the source of Lan Fan's happiness—or that there simply were other things that made Lan Fan happy—was a manifestation of his Greed.
"You are leaving already?"
"Yes, my lady. I am finished with my job, and the Emperor seemed satisfied with his decision regarding Aerugo."
Lan Fan and Xuezhe were walking along the north wing of the Jiāo Tài Diàn Hall. Xuezhe had with him his things packed already. "I need to head back to my family to tend to an ailing uncle."
"I wish your uncle good health."
"Thank you, my lady. And I wish you that too."
Lan Fan offered him a soft smile. "You are too kind, Xuezhe."
"But you are kinder for having stomached my tactlessness."
"I wouldn't say tactless. Perhaps, bold or straightforward."
Xuezhe chuckled. "Not only you are kind, but you are also polite to use euphemisms on me."
The both let out a soft laughter. Lan Fan's qi was, in Ling's words, all over the place. Her soul was warm and light like the sun during the dawn. It had been such a long time since she had a hearty laugh. She couldn't help but be grateful for the presence of Xuezhe.
"Lady Lan Fan, I have something to give to you," Xuezhe said. He struggled a little bit with retrieving the small package wrapped in brown paper neatly tied up by a baler twine and handed it to Lan Fan.
"I couldn't accept this."
"Please, I insist."
Reluctantly, she took the package from Xuezhe's hands. She held it up slightly above her head to see if she could make out what was inside the wrapper. "What is it?"
"I recall that you told me that you are not aware of your reading of your star chart the night you were born. And while I still believe that you are worth more than your fate, this is a small storybook to comfort you on nights you feel alone."
Lan Fan untangled the strings. It was a compact little book of stories and myths of Xingese tales and legends. These stories immortalized in the book Xuezhe gave her were known by all people in Xing. But the book felt every bit personal, and not just any children's book to be let in libraries. Lan Fan flipped through the pages of the book; it was not brand new, and the pages were crisp and oxygen-deprived yellow in the edges. Some pages were even dog-eared, with some passages either highlighted or underlined.
"Xuezhe," she clasped the book closed. The scholar, at Lan Fan's call, shifted his eyes on her. "Do you happen to know where souls go after they depart the bodies?"
Xuezhe raised his eyebrows at the question thrown at him. Lan Fan was hoping that he had the answer but all he could provide was uncertainty. "I'm afraid I don't know."
Lan Fan pursed her lips and nodded.
"I do know the flesh becomes one with the earths as their organic elements are made of them."
"But the soul?"
Xuezhe shook his head in admission of his ignorance, still sporting a humble and soft smile. "You do realize that you have a beautiful mind, do you?"
While the exchange of farewells took place between Lan Fan and Xuezhe, at the other end of the corridor was the Emperor. Once again, he felt a rather unbalanced surge of emotions through his Dragon's Pulse. The energy was too foul, too eager, too lively, too…much. When he walked a few meters, he saw that it emulated from the two figures at the other end of the hall. It was Lan Fan and Xuezhe.
As soon as the scholar and the guard saw the Emperor approached, the two cut their chitchat and bowed.
"At ease," Ling said. Xuezhe and Lan Fan stood up straight. "Leaving so soon?"
"Yes, Imperial Majesty. I am needed back at home. Thank you for extending your hospitability to me."
Ling raised his hand. "Thank you too for your assistance. Chang was right to put her confidence in you."
"It is an honor to have served the Emperor. I will always be on call."
"You're a busy man, and I'm afraid I will take more of your time when we are to conduct the feasibility studies. Your wisdom is of great help, and your loyalty is greatly appreciated, Xuezhe. Have a safe trip back home. May the gods bless you and your clan."
Xuezhe did another earnest bow before turning to Lan Fan. "It has been a pleasure to have been in your company, Lady Lan Fan. I will pray to the gods for your wellbeing."
When Xuezhe left, Ling discovered three things: one, he needed to buy more time before entering the agreement with Aerugo to ease the internal tension from the nationalists; two was that a budding friendship was borne between his Shadow and the scholar, and this was evidenced by the small book he gifted her; and third, it was Xuezhe who caused Lan Fan's qi go ecstatic. Ling wouldn't be surprised if it went haywire.
After the scholar's departure, Ling would study Lan Fan intently. He did so in a manner discreet, from the sidelines, because he did not want to be caught by her that he's all eyes on her. Ling may be stealthy, but Lan Fan is a good vassal, and she was stealthier than Ling. It did not take long enough for her to pick up that Ling was studying her, watching her. She kept her qi on low; sometimes, she even blocked Ling's Dragon's Pulse.
Had this been a few weeks back, it would have undoubtedly made her happy. She would have relished in it. Ling never spared her any passing glances. But after that uneventful night, when he suddenly lashed out on her due to an inexplicable source of rage, she just wished he didn't pay her any attention anymore. She would have resumed to being the diligent Emperor's Shadow that she is.
It had been awhile since the Palace was at peace. There were no meetings with the ministers, no motions to be heard by various interest and advocacy groups, no social gatherings. Ling used to enjoy the social gaiety but he eventually grew tired of it. He was trotting lazily around his private chambers that afternoon. Lan Fan was also inside the private chambers. She situated herself in the inner columns of the anteroom.
Of course, both were aware of the presence of suffocating tension all over the place.
Eventually, it was Ling who shattered the silence. Everything was always on his call, to be honest. Lan Fan knew her place—the most she could do was to aspire to be as bold as Winry Rockbell, a strong and unfaltering woman of Amestris. Lan Fan could only wish. She could only peer through the fine thin slits of her ivory mask.
"I'm sorry for what happened that night," Ling said.
Lan Fan licked her lips. Always, always, she struggled to articulate words.
"It was unfair of me. You shouldn't have witnessed that fit. I shouldn't have taken it out on you."
"Everything is fine, Your Highness. There is no need to apologize." As expected, a precise and obedient response. Frugal in the amount of words.
"Lan Fan," he barely breathed her name. "What's wrong? Tell me, please."
"N-nothing's wrong, my Lord. Why do you ask?"
"If something wrong happened to you, I can never forgive myself."
Had Lan Fan the liberty to act on her own accord, she would be the one lash out in anger, in frustration. How could he say this now? After all these years he acted indifferently towards her needs? Towards her person?
"You say that as if you haven't been disregarding me the last few years," she said.
Ling stood frozen on his tracks. He lifted his head slowly to look at her, and then walked toward her direction. Did he expect such brevity from Lan Fan? No, he did not. He was the one who stirred the conversation first, dropped the first pebble on the lake. "Wh-what?"
It took awhile before Lan Fan spoke again. "You said you worry for my wellbeing."
"I do."
"You would not have had you talked to me." She chastised herself mentally. Grandfather, I'm sorry for the insubordination. But grandfather was not present. And if she thought harder, maybe the border between her and Ling could disappear.
"Take off your mask."
Her eyebrows scrunched in confusion. "What?"
"Take off your mask."
She did as she was told so. When she removed her mask, she felt her face flushed red. She didn't dare look at Ling, but he studied her face, his eyes squinting to catch the tiniest detail her face held.
"You're right," he said, letting out a sigh. "I have been disregarding you. For a long time. I'm sorry."
"Don't," she said. "Don't apologize. You aren't my keeper. You have no duty to me."
Ling chuckled. "No, Lan Fan. You got that wrong. A king is no king without his people."
"Of course," a weary smiled tugged at her lips. "How could I forget that?"
"I'm sorry. Sincerely."
She didn't respond. She just licked her lips. Ling gave her a faint smile. "Since when did you become so…straightforward?"
At this, Lan Fan felt her cheeks burned. "I-I, I didn-I'm sorry, I didn't, Young Lor—"
Ling lifted a hand. "No, no. No need to apologize. I was just wondering since when you and Xuezhe had started this affair. He clearly did rub his traits on you."
Lan Fan's eyes widened at horror. She was so embarrassed by Ling's remark that she felt the dire need to defend herself. "That i-isn-you are, uh, that is wrong, Young Lord. Xuezhe, he is just—"
"Hey, it's alright. You don't have to explain everything, you know," Ling snickered at the stuttering helpless Lan Fan. "I'm not daft, Lan Fan."
"My Lord, you got it all wrong. You are mistaken."
Ling's smile disappeared. Oh?, he thought to himself. Lan Fan was struggling, and she seemed defiant in Ling's allegations. "Lan Fan," he said. "why are you ashamed? Xuezhe is a respectable man. If anything, you should be brimming with pride. Am I not right?"
"You got it all wrong," she shook her head. "Xuezhe, he is kind, yes. But there is nothing more between him and me, my Lord. I had just made a friend, if you can call it that."
"But, your qi. I felt your qi."
"My qi? What about it, my Lord?"
"Your qi, it was…brimming. It was radiating. When you were with him."
"Oh."
Oh.
That moment came to Lan Fan as a lightbulb moment, an epiphany—so that was what the Young Master was thinking! Her energy gave it all away. She was too preoccupied to keep her emotions in check, that it was too animated. No wonder Ling easily picked up on its unusually bright presence. But the Emperor's allegations were not flat out correct. There were some creases that Lan Fan needed to straighten. "My Lord, I do not deny what I was feeling when I was Xuezhe. You are right."
Ling's face could not be read. It was as blank as a clear slate, but she could tell that he was listening earnestly.
"Xuezhe, he made me…happy. But I think, I think it is only that."
"Only that? What do you mean?"
"Only that. Nothing more. Like I said, he is just a good friend, and he made me happy," Ling noticed a warm—no, an endearing smile drew at Lan Fan's face. "I had not experienced for quite some time now what it feels like to be happy. I'm as good as dead. I'm grateful for Xuezhe because he made me feel happy. He made me feel that I am not alone."
"So, I am right? That you're unhappy."
Guiltily, she nodded. "But not as your retainer, if that's what you mean. I can never think of anywhere else in the world than be by your side."
"But you are unhappy?"
"I am. At times, my Lord, I am unhappy."
A surge of guilt suddenly swelled Ling's chest. Lan Fan's honesty hurt. What he did was shameful—he ran away form the fact that Lan Fan may be hurting in silence.
"I feel lonely sometimes. Especially when we got back from Amestris. Not that I'm blaming you, my Lord, no! But, if you really want the truth…"
"A lot of things changed. That's it, isn't it, Lan Fan?"
She nodded.
"And a lot has changed between the two of us."
A daunting silence filled the room. She did not know how to respond anymore. For years, this had been the lengthiest she had spoken to the Emperor. It felt foreign, yet at the same time, it felt everything that she was used to. Her emotions didn't know where to place themselves, not after when Ling actually admitted that things changed between them.
"I'm ashamed of myself, Lan Fan."
She carefully raised her head to face him. "There is nothing to be ashamed of, Your Highness."
"No, Lan Fan. For the longest time, I tried to run away from the fact that you might be unsatisfied with your life. I've been selfish. And I knew that you still grieve yet I never payed you any attention. I feel unworthy of talking to you."
Lan Fan always knew Ling manifested the sin of Greed the most; while other clans fought for their security and safety, he fought to be on the top. But with this confession, she didn't know that her Emperor was a proud emperor. His dismissal of acknowledging her presence stemmed from pride.
Like a sweet kiss of the October air on her cheek, she felt Ling's hand gently clasped her left cheek. "I don't deserve you," he said.
Hot tears prickled her eyes at his caress. She relished in his touch. She placed a hand, her prosthetic one, on top of Ling's hand which was still tenderly caressing her cheek.
"Forgive me, Lan Fan. I don't deserve you. Not since your sacrifices, not since Fuu's death. Not ever."
"Even so, I will remain immovable by your side. You are the only star that matters in my charts. I have nothing else to lose. Nothing but you."
Lan Fan would later skim through the book Xuezhe gave her. She reread through the legend of the body becoming one with the earth but still no answer was provided as to where souls go after it leaves its flesh. Ling said her continuous search for answer was human's inherent faculty of clinging to hope after a loss. While she continued to search for the whereabouts of Fuu's soul—may it be in the lost sparrows in her window or someplace else—she remained steadfast by Ling's side, basking in his abundant love he provided her.