Chapter 1: Those hardest to love need it most
A father's greed restricts even the purest souls, a mother's embrace melts even the coldest hearts.
An introduction to Todoroki Shouto.
"Your duty is to surpass All Might. That is the reason you were made," was the first reason his father gave him for the rigorous and painful training Shouto had to endure at five years of age. He learned fast – Not how to control his flames or how to freeze only specific parts of his environment, but why he was born. It wasn't because of love. His father didn't give him so much attention because he was his son, but because he was a soldier in a war his father lost.
Of course it was okay to be sad to never be able to catch up to the first place in this hero society.
But this…this was not sadness.
The only thing it was was madness.
If Shouto ever had a side of him that believed in the good of people, it died the day his father imposed this fate to him. He started to believe it. He wasn't a human worthy of familiar love. He was only a tool for his father to fulfill his broken dreams.
He would have believed that, if it weren't for his mother protecting him all she could. Rei Todoroki protected him. Comforted him. Even if it pained her to look at his left side which resembled his father so much. The bright red hair and his aqua blue eye – It would've looked just the same if it weren't for the beautiful innocent glow only a child's eyes could have. But he looked like her as well, if she just looked at his right side, tried to ignore all of the pain she associated with his other half.
If Shouto ever had a side of him that believed in love, it died the day his mother poured boiling water over his face. She told him his left side was unsightly. Of course it was, Shouto understood, since it was too similar to the man that tormented her many years of her life. How was she supposed to love him when all she saw was pain?
He would've just wished that wasn't the last time he saw her.
It seemed to him like his very existence made her suffer. That was the very reason he never went to visit her in the hospital.
And over the years, he must've forgotten what it was like to be cradled in his mother's arms. To feel protected of everything, even if he knew she couldn't protect him from his father's greed.
With her disappearance, he stopped receiving any kind affection. Neither verbally, nor physically.
He stopped liking physical affection. Sure, his sister tried, but even her hugs didn't comfort him.
His mother's cold arms always seemed warmer than any fire his father blasted at him to make him stronger.
Shouto was rebellious about his father's flames for a really long time, and he never thought he would change his view of his left side. That was before he entered UA, before he met new people, which actually weren't even that bad. And that was before the sports festival happened and Midoriya literally hit him with the knowledge that his Quirk was not his father's, it was his own. What he did with that Quirk was completely his own decision.
After the sports festival, he went to visit his mother for the first time.
The decision of visiting her again was not one he made easily. He was lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling. It had been ten years since he'd last seen her.
Would it even be okay for him to visit her? He was afraid he would trigger her again, as the reason she was in that hospital was his sole existence.
But the doctor would surely throw him out if it wasn't okay for him to visit her. Would she even want to see him again? No, that couldn't be it either, as Fuyumi had asked him to come along many times before.
He couldn't be sure how she would react, but he wasn't going to find out if he stayed away. Shouto sighed. He wanted to meet her again. He missed her. That's all he knew. And since the sports festival happened and all of those memories with her represented in his head, he missed her even more.
If he wanted to aim to become a hero again, he would have to meet her, that's all he was sure of.
And like this, in the depths of night, he decided he would go to the hospital.
'A good night of sleep' still wasn't in for him. He played all possible scenarios in his head. Every possible outcome and every reaction he could imagine manifested in his mind.
It was still really early when he got up that morning. He was still in his pajamas, walking into the kitchen.
His sister was already sitting there, pushing back her glasses as she was reading the newspapers. In front of her was a colorful mug of probably coffee. When she heard his quiet footsteps, she looked up confused as their father was not awaited home until dinner, as he went out late last night because of a villain attack in the city.
"Shouto? What are you doing up at…" she turned to look at the clock behind her "…six thirty on a day where you are supposed to rest?" she said.
Her brother didn't answer, he just rubbed his still sleepy eyes. She smiled at him before getting up. "Tea? Or Coffee?" she then asked.
Shouto usually didn't drink coffee, but he probably looked as tired as Aizawa at the moment.
"Coffee sounds great," he answered while sitting down at the kitchen table on the opposite side of where she sat.
"Well, I know why I'm awake this early since I'm going to work later, but why are you sleepyhead awake?" she asked again, putting down the mug full of milked coffee in front of him. Black coffee was too bitter, but sugar to sweet, so milk was the perfect in between, so his sister knew. He took a little sip. The mug was light blue, a few little ice crystals printed on it. He didn't know how it survived in his father's household but didn't question it further.
"I'll visit mom toady," he said before taking another sip and putting the mug down again.
"What? Really? Why now?" she asked but didn't get an answer, as her brother was silently staring at the ice crystals on his mug.
Later that morning, Shouto got dressed and prepared himself to go to the hospital. "Shouto? Is it really fine not to tell dad?" she asked. "Yeah," he answered while putting on his second shoe.
After that he left the house and walked to the hospital. He had thought about riding the bus, but he had so much on his mind that he had to think through that he decided to take the long way. What was he supposed to say to her? Would she recognize him? What if she got sad again?
What…What if she rejected him?
When he finally reached the hospital, Shouto stopped for a moment. He looked at the building. So that's where his mother was imprisoned all this time?
His father…as well as him imprisoned her in her own mind. So much she actually snapped after all. She had to suffer because she was protecting him. He should've been stronger, he should've protected her from all this.
Shouto took a deep breath and exhaled as he took another step forward, walking to the entrance of the hospital and entering the building. He first looked around a little, searching for the front desk in the giant entrance hall.
When he finally saw it, he walked up to it. The receptionist was a young woman, maybe in her mid-twenties, having dark hair.
"Good morning! How can I help you?" she asked him smiling. Next to her was another woman with little horns on top of her head who was filling out charts.
"Uh…Hello. I'm here to see my mother," he said, already taking his ID out of his bag.
"What is your mother's name?" she then asked, already typing hastily on her computer.
"Todoroki Rei," he answered but was flashed by their reactions. The woman behind the desk quickly turned to look at her colleague who nodded back.
"Todoroki…Shouto?" she then asked him hesitantly. Shouto was confused. How did this woman know his name? He still nodded. Her colleague looked just as dazed as her.
"You're finally here! Give me that. I'll do the paperwork. You can pick it up when you leave. Go up and visit your mother. Now," she said quickly, taking his ID and continuing to type.
She could probably sense his confusion as he was still just standing there, not able to comprehend the situation.
"We've seen the sports festival! Your mother talks about you at lot. Now go. She's on the third floor, room 315," she explained again smiling.
Shouto nodded again while walking to the elevators.
His mother…talked about him a lot? He couldn't comprehend that.
When he reached the floor his mother was on, he started trembling. He was nervous. So, so nervous. Standing in front of her door, he looked at both the room number and the name again, just to be sure. He took another deep breath, exhaling slowly before pushing the door open a little. He looked inside, saw his mother looking out the window. He took a step in. She was holding a picture in her hand. One he recognized, even though it was pretty old. He was maybe two or three? All of them were on the picture, even his two brothers. It was from happier times, times before his Quirk developed.
Slowly she turned around to him.
"Mom?" he asked hesitantly.
She blinked two times before her eyes went wide.
"Shouto?" she asked while putting the picture down and getting up. Tears were slowly quelling in her eyes.
He was nodding and she almost ran to him.
She stumbled a little, but that didn't stop her at all. Only when she stood right in front of him did she stop. She looked him up and down, her hands hovering right beside his arms. In her eyes he could see the silent question.
He nodded again, feeling a stinging in his eyes he wouldn't let turn into tears.
His mother's cold arms always seemed warmer than any fire his father blasted at him to make him stronger.
Quickly she wrapped her arms around him. He put his head in the crane of her neck.
She was shaking.
Her right hand caressed his back, while his left went up and stroked through his dual colored hair, without any hesitation this time.
He gently wrapped his arms around her, embracing her with all of the pent up grief, sorrow and feeling of being apart.
It only made things worse, as she was now crying, sobbing and sniffling.
They stayed like this for a long time.
With one final sniffle, she pulled back and looked him over again. "You've gotten so tall," she noted, voice rough from crying. She was caressing his arms.
"Sit down with me?" she then asked wiping away the tears while looking at her bed on the other side of the room. Shouto did not trust his voice yet, so he just nodded again. He followed her and took place right beside her.
She took both of his hands in hers, smiling for a brief moment.
It was the same. His hands still were slightly different in temperature.
She took in his looks, eyes stopping at the scar on his blue eye. Her left hand let go of his and she slowly put it up to his face, hovering right above the scarred skin.
She looked into his eyes questioningly.
All Shouto felt was the lump in his throat. He couldn't speak so he took her hand again and put it on his face.
She swallowed hard while brushing his red hair out of his face, tracing the outline of the scar.
She took her other hand out of his to put it on her mouth to stifle a cry.
"I'm sorry, Shouto. I'm so so sorry," she said quietly through her fingers, voice still a little hoarse, while new tears found their way down her face.
"It's okay," he answered, his voice breaking midway.
"No, it's not okay. You're my little baby boy. Just what have I done?" she said again.
He put his hand on the one that was tracing his scar and took it away from his face. She was crying harder, thinking he might resent her for it, but he wrapped his arm around her again, holding her hand in between them.
He began stroking her back, just like she did for him all those years ago.
"I forgive you, mom," he said quietly and she sniffled again, before she quietly nodded. She then stroked his back again, putting her hands in his soft hair.
Why was it that his mother's hugs were the only physical affection that brought him comfort?
She pulled them apart a little, took his face in both her hands and angled it all kinds of ways. Shouto did not understand.
But she was smiling and nodding, her face still a little wet from the tears.
"I knew you would become a handsome young man one day!" she said and he blinked.
She wasn't sad about him not answering, since she had already learned about his distant personality from his siblings.
Shouto looked at her smiling face, asking himself again how it all ended up this way.
Why did she have to suffer because of him? Why couldn't he protect her from all this?
Why would she have to spend her life in this tiny hospital room?
He felt the stinging in his eyes again, trying to blink it away as he couldn't stop what was on his mind anymore.
"I'm so sorry, mom. I'm sorry for not being able to protect you. I'm sorry for letting you get hurt. I'm sorry for never having visited you. I'm so-"
He would've gone on if she didn't put a finger on his lips to stop him from talking. She took his head and put her forehead on his.
"It's okay, Shouto. I'm not angry. I know it must've been hard," she said quietly. He could feel his cheek getting wet and wanted to pull away but she didn't let him. "It's fine. Even heroes need to cry sometimes," she whispered. He nodded but quickly got himself together. He gently pulled away and put his hands on her arms.
"Mom, I'll save you from this place," he said determinedly. She was still smiling but she started shaking her head.
"No, I'd be happy- No, I'd be saved if you just moved on without anything holding you back," she said rubbing his arms. Without anything holding him back?
"Do you think I can become a hero?" he then asked the question he dreaded all along. He looked at the floor now.
He had to look up at her again when he heard her giggling behind her hand.
"You already are, Shouto. You are my hero."
His eyes went wide. Her smile grew wider.
"I've told you that before, when you were little, but I'll have to repeat it. You can be the hero you want to be. You can be the man you want to be. You are not bound by your blood. Make your own decisions and carve your own path. Because I know you can."
Shouto couldn't suppress the stinging in his eyes anymore. He cried. He openly cried. His cheeks grew wet and he didn't know what to do as all he knew for crying was punishment.
"I love you, Shouto. Always remember that. Whatever you decide to do, or whoever you decide to become: I'll be with you."
She wiped the tears away with the palms of her hands and smiled at him as if he was a jackpot in the lottery.
"Love ya too, mom," he whispered and knew the words were true as soon as he said them.
Maybe that side of him, the one that believed in love, wasn't dead after all.
His father always had a plan for his life laid out for him. Probably even before he developed his Quirk. Of course, it must've been obvious to Endeavor, since his traits were split in half.
His father's plan was simple. Enter UA, graduate UA, become a top hero, beat All Might and bring pride to his family. Fulfill the dream his father never could. That alone made Shouto fume with anger – Was his life really going the way his father wanted? Had he already planned out a heroic death for him?
Well, he asked if he'd already planned who he was going to marry – The answer was pretty obvious.
Of course it was yes.
It's not like Shouto was surprised. He was still disappointed though.
Getting angry at his father didn't do him any good. He realized that again when he fought Sero during the sports festival. Once he got angry, he would lash out. And if he lashed out, he would hurt others.
It was another one of fate's jokes that he inherited this shitty trait from his old man, wasn't it?
They had been sitting at the dining table, dinner halfway eaten. Fuyumi, his older sister, was sitting right in front of him while his old man occupied the head of the table. It was already really late, since Enji came directly from hunting down a pair of villains. Rice with vegetables and chicken, one of his sister's best tasting dishes. He still preferred Soba though.
"Well then, when's the wedding?" Shouto had asked with his eyebrows raised, trying his best to suppress his anger.
At that time he would've thought the marriage would be sometime once he was a real hero. Once he graduated. Or once he turned legally twenty or something.
Fuyumi looked back and forth between them. She hadn't known about that.
Shouto hadn't really had any contact to his siblings while growing up, since he always had to polish his fighting skills. But since he entered high school and stopped the homeschooling, his sister tried to tie them together. In the last month they probably saw each other more often than in the ten years before.
"Since it is for an equal exchange, and her parents need the money, it will be when both of you are sixteen. Don't worry, her Quirk will be worthy of yours," he answered seriously. As if the Quirk would be the reason Shouto worried. That's probably thething he cared about least. His father didn't notice the look his daughter gave him. She had stopped eating her rice to stare at them. She was utterly confused.
How was he supposed to marry next year? He had never even had a girlfriend. Even though he guessed that wouldn't be the case for many more years to come anyway. And he still didn't figure out how actual working relationships were supposed to look like, since his parents weren't the best example. Or if it was even possible for him to work one out. He knew he had absolutely no social skill, so how do you get a girlfriend when you can't even make friends in the first place?
Endeavor then went on with his tirade. "Even though she didn't do that well-"
"Are you serious? Next year?" Shouto interrupted. Now his voice did sound a little angry. "You know that marriage for males in Japan is not allowed until eighteen years of age, even with parental permission."
"I'm the number two hero. Do you think such a pity law would stop me?"
Well – It didn't stop him from years of neglecting and abusing wife and children, so Shouto's answer was clear.
"No. No, it wouldn't."
It was silent at the table. Fuyumi didn't say a word even though she looked like she could write a book with all the words stuck inside her head at the moment.
"I'm glad you're finally accepting your fate, Shouto," Endeavor started, while Shouto just blinked at him, "Just follow the path I'm making for you and everything will turn out perfectly. Sure, it's a pity it has to be so soon, but I'm sure it's going to be okay. If you're going to be the number one hero, this little obstacle won't stop you," he said. Now Shouto stopped eating as well.
Obstacle? Did he really see a marriage as an obstacle which has to be overcome? Shouto shrugged. Of course he did. He only cared about having powerful offspring.
He probably never even considered mom as the wife he was supposed to love.
"I'm not accepting anything. Just because I stopped rebelling regarding my Quirk-use, I won't just accept the life you planned for me," Shouto answered his father.
"You will. You say you want to go your own way, then why does it always end up being the same as the one I lay out for you?", Enji said while taking another portion of meat.
"Well if it's like that, how am I gonna die?"
"Shouto!" his sister interrupted the discussion, before anyone could set the table on fire - Wouldn't be the first time that happened.
"What? It's true."
"Dad, what is all this about? Did you arrange a Quirk-marriage for Shouto?" Fuyumi asked Enji, who was calmly eating his rice.
"Yes, the deal was made when he was five."
His sister swallowed. She pushed her glasses back on her nose. Shouto knew this was a sign that she was trying to change their father's mind, which was never a good idea.
"But don't you think it's a bit too early for him to marry at sixteen? I mean, I'm over twenty already but I don't feel like I'm ready to marry yet," she tried carefully.
"It's early, yes. But not too early. I'm sure he knows how children are made."
Shouto blinked. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to be embarrassed, like his sister was, but he wasn't really caught on that, being in rage.
"And that's an argument since it's the only reason you married?" he instead offered. He knew saying that probably wasn't very smart. But he was in rage and couldn't care less. His father surprised him by calmly ending the discussion.
"This is not an argument since this is not a discussion. The deal stands. You'll marry her. It doesn't matter if you want to."
Shouto took that as his cue to get up.
"Thanks for the food, sis," he started, "I guess my opinion regarding my life never mattered anyway." He was about to leave the room when he turned around again.
"By the way, I'll do the field training at your agency. Teach me how to use my flames, father," he said as he closed the door to the dining room.
He put his hands in his pants' pockets while walking up the stairs to his room, muttering a silent 'Bastard' under his breath. When he reached it, he entered and closed the door behind him. Just when he laid out his futon and took a seat while pulling out his phone there was a knock on his door.
Glancing up, he saw how his sister entered. She never waited for an answer, especially when she knew that there wouldn't be one. Most interestingly, she never barged in when there was anything to interrupt, which could mainly be because her brother wasn't actually doing anything most of the time.
He spent his time in the training room downstairs. This seemed to be something that stuck with him, even if his father didn't force him to train, he still did.
Shouto guessed it was routine.
"Hey," his sister started, while walking up to him, awkwardly ruffling her white hair with red streaks, "May I sit?" she asked. He nodded. Closing her eyes, she sighed before taking place right next to him on the Tatami flooring. Shouto put his phone down to give her attention.
"What's up?" he asked deadpan.
That made her sigh again.
"Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?" she asked while looking him in the eyes. What for? Maybe she was trying to figure out what he was thinking.
Still his answer was clear.
"I'm fine."
He didn't truly understand why she started shaking her head. She reached out with her arms while coming closer to him.
"Can I hug you?"
"Sure," he answered. He wasn't really fond of hugs or general physical affection, since he couldn't make any sense of them. They didn't bring him any comfort.
His sister knew that, so the hug probably only soothed her nerves. He would still hug her when she needed him. He didn't want to snap at her. The only reason he was angry was his father.
He didn't really like being touched.
There was only one person whose hugs had ever soothed was also the only person that ever hugged him with his feelings in only one to ever stand up against his father.
Until she broke and poured boiling water over his face.
Whenever he let someone get close enough to him to feel safe, to feel loved, they disappeared.
As a consequence, he stopped letting people get close to him.
Because if he did…
They'd leave him alone anyway.
She reached around him and put his head in her neck, wrapping her arms around his back.
"Tell me, what do you feel? Are you angry? Lost? Afraid? Please tell me, I'm worrying about you. I didn't know, I swear, I didn't know," she whimpered and he could feel her shoulders shaking. She was about to cry.
"It's fine, Fuyumi. I don't mind," he lied.
Of course he minded. He didn't even know that girl, yet he was supposed to marry her next year? A marriage was shaping a lifetime, even if it didn't last. He didn't want to spend his life with someone he's never met. It wasn't even about 'rebelling against his father' anymore.
He gave that up already, knowing it would be smarter to take his father's knowledge as number two hero. Yet letting Endeavor choose a wife for him? That could only go wrong.
"Don't lie to me, Shouto. Please don't lie to me. I know it must be hard," she wiped away her tears with her hand, "Okay, no, I don't know. I can't possibly know. So please don't push everyone away. I'm your sister, you can tell me."
Shouto was as stiff as ice in her arms.
He knew he always pushed people away.
He was so caught up in his 'fate' that he couldn't see the people around him. People, that didn't resent him. People, that didn't use him.
Since the sports festival, he was just confused. He had no idea what to do.
Use his flames, suppress his flames.
He had automatically distanced himself from everyone in class from the start. The only one that had cracked his exterior was Midoriya, of whom he didn't know if he could consider him a friend either.
What exactly was a friend?
What did lovers mean?
So many questions he didn't have the answer to. Growing up in isolation from people his age did no good to his social skills.
In that exact moment, laying in his sisters careful arms, trying desperately to comfort him, he put everything he realized over the past few days together.
He spent most of his life trying to oppose his father. It didn't matter what it was, all he thought was: 'As long as it's what he wants, I don't want it'.
Never did he think about what he himself wanted.
Never did he think about what friends meant, and if he wanted to have some.
And never did he think about falling in love.
He wanted to know what love was.
All of a sudden he realized how much he missed of his life.
His mother's words resonated in his ears. That he should move forward. That he shouldn't let anything hold him back.
His decisions were going to be his own. He wasn't trapped by the fate his father chose for him.
He would set his sight on who he wanted to become.
He would carve his own fate.
Never in his life did the words he told his sister that night seem this believable.
He softly patted his sister's back as he whispered the only thing that came to his mind.
"I'll be okay."
Okay, so I decided to crosspost this story frm my ao3 account - this is the first chapter, the title/song is from Fools by Lauren Aquilina! I hope you're in for this long ride and I really hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to write a comment and tell me what you think, or yell at me on tumblr seespr!
The first chapter was only out of Shouto's POV, and I can tell you that this story is going to be pretty much Hurt/Comfort, so I hope you're in for that. The following chapters will also portray other points of views, as well as more interactions with our main pair~
Have a wonderful day!