Hey y'all! Did you miss me? C'mon, admit it, you know you missed me.
So the last time ne71 and I had a round of "You do it," "No, you do it," I won and the world was rewarded with the continuation of his brilliant and hilarious "Chuck vs. The Emoticon" series. You can thank me anytime. Fast forward a few years, and he threw Lizard when I threw Spock, so now I'm the one staying up until the wee hours of the morning chained to my laptop. I still say the world missed out, but I thank him for letting me play in his fluffy little universe. It was a nice vacation. And yep, sixty-three percent of the jokes are blatantly stolen from him, because we all know he is far funnier than I.
In the Season One finale, the CIA has come for Chuck after his cover is blown and he thinks he's going to end up being stashed in an underground bunker for the foreseeable future. As he's saying goodbye, he tells Sarah "hey, there's a silver lining to this too, you know, 'cause we're not working together anymore, which means we can go on a date. You can come by my cell, and we can hang out, and you can tell me who the president is."
If they only knew...
Chuck vs. The Bombshell
by daydreamer2578
swalker218: Chuck, you there?
ccarmichael007: Sarah? omg is that really you?
swalker218: Yes Chuck, it's me.
ccarmichael007: Prove it.
swalker218: I can't believe I'm about to write this...
swalker218: The penguins swim at dawn. Rendezvous at the hedgehog circus. I'll be the one in the slinky dress.
swalker218: And I still don't see what's wrong with taking two extra seconds to actually type out "Oh my God." It's only four more letters.
ccarmichael007: It is you!
swalker218: Hi. :)
ccarmichael007: Technically though, it's a coyote circus. The hedgehogs are guest stars only.
swalker218: …
ccarmichael007: What?
swalker218: Chuck, we haven't spoken in years, and you want to quibble about coyote circuses?
ccarmichael007: Honestly, I'm in shock here. I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again. I'm only twenty-three percent certain I'm not dreaming right now.
swalker218: Are you dressed like Napoleon?
ccarmichael007: Doesn't appear so.
swalker218: Then odds are good you're awake.
ccarmichael007: Well then it's really good to hear from you. Like, really good. It's been a long time.
swalker218: It has, and I'm sorry about that. I was ordered to cut off all contact and your file was classified above my clearance level. I tried to make myself forget about you, but…
ccarmichael007: I proved impossible to forget.
swalker218: You're like one of those songs I can't get out of my head.
ccarmichael007: And you say you don't like music.
swalker218: It took me months to figure out how, but I managed to hack into the CIA mainframe to find your new screen name. I see now that I should have guessed it on my own.
ccarmichael007: They let me have my fun from time to time.
ccarmichael007: Sarah, I really appreciate your efforts on my behalf, but you could get in a lot of trouble for that.
swalker218: I know, but I made you a promise.
ccarmichael007: You did?
swalker218: Before Long Shore took you away, I told you that I'd visit. Tell you who the president was. I just wanted to let you know.
ccarmichael007: It's been four years already?
swalker218: Chuck, it's been eight.
ccarmichael007: Wow, time really flies in an underground bunker.
swalker218: I'm so sorry about that.
ccarmichael007: Meh, it's not so bad. My pad is pretty posh by bunker standards. Soft carpet, Sleep Number bed, walk-in shower, workout room, bitchin' entertainment center and an endless supply of cheese puffs. They take me up to get some sunlight every once in a while; show me pictures of Ellie and Morgan. Sometimes I even get to go on missions and flash on things. And in the meantime, there's shelves packed full of the latest and greatest video games.
swalker218: It doesn't take much to keep you happy, does it?
ccarmichael007: I'm a simple man, Sarah. With a wicked case of carpal tunnel.
swalker218: Chuck, I've missed you.
ccarmichael007: Right back at'cha, gorgeous.
swalker218: :)
ccarmichael007: Wait… if it's been eight years, does that mean Obama was reelected?
swalker218: Does that surprise you?
ccarmichael007: A little. I always thought Biden would spoil his image for him. He seemed like the type of guy that would inspire a wave of silly internet memes and undermine the dignity of the office.
swalker218: Yeah, that didn't happen until later.
ccarmichael007: But it did happen?
swalker218: Yes.
ccarmichael007: Called it!
swalker218 sent a file at 2:05:15
ccarmichael007 opened file at 2:05:32
ccarmichael007: Aww… Joe wants Barack and Michelle to adopt him. How sweet!
swalker218: I thought you'd like that one.
ccarmichael007: So does this mean you're coming to visit to tell me about the new man in the Oval Office?
swalker218: Or woman.
ccarmichael007: ?
swalker218: We could have elected a woman.
ccarmichael007: It must be a whole new world up there on the surface.
swalker218: That's an understatement.
ccarmichael007: So when should I expect you? I need to tidy up a bit first, dust off all of the booby traps and death rays before company gets here.
swalker218: I'm sorry Chuck, I can't visit. I don't have the security clearance. But I did want to let you know…
ccarmichael007: Let me know what?
swalker218: Trump.
ccarmichael007: Trump what? Trump… card? Trump…et? Are the penguins putting together a jazz band?
swalker218: No. Donald Trump.
ccarmichael007: What about him?
swalker218: He's the president.
ccarmichael007: HA!
swalker218: I'm serious, Chuck.
ccarmichael007: Haha! That's a good one. I literally just spit my soda all over the keyboard.
swalker218: Chuck…
ccarmichael007: Hoo boy! You've still got it, Walker, making contact after all this time just to mess with me.
swalker218 sent a file at 2:08:36
swalker218: Here's the front page of the Times from the day after the election.
ccarmichael007 opened file at 2:09:07
ccarmichael007: I…
ccarmichael007: Gah…
ccarmichael007: Ack…
ccarmichael007: yr4770p-p7 6rr89
swalker218: Chuck! Are you okay?!
swalker218: Chuck?
swalker218: Talk to me!
ccarmichael007's status changed to idle at 2:15:43
swalker218: I could get court marshaled for this, but I'm calling Beckman.
ccarmichael007's status changed to online at 2:16:21
ccarmichael007: No! Don't do that!
swalker218: What happened?
ccarmichael007: I'm freaking out.
swalker218: What's yr4770p-p7 6rr89? Is that geek speak for something?
ccarmichael007: I may or may not have just banged my head on the keyboard several times.
swalker218: That hurts more than one might think.
ccarmichael007: So I've noticed.
ccarmichael007: The keyboard's all sticky from the soda. I'm glad you can't see me right now, because I'm kind of a mess.
swalker218: I wish I could see you, messy or not.
ccarmichael007: I think you'd dig the beard.
swalker218: You grew a beard?
ccarmichael007: There isn't much else to do around here.
swalker218: Are you feeling calmer now?
ccarmichael007: I think so. It's still a lot to process.
swalker218: Tell me about it.
ccarmichael007: So you're telling me that the "you're fired" guy now has access to the big red button that literally fires the nukes?
swalker218: Oh, no. They rewired that before he took office. It controls the White House sprinkler system now.
swalker218: The lawn has never looked better.
swalker218: The rose garden is especially rosy this year.
swalker218: In fact, they're talking about adding an amphibian exhibit since they're having so much trouble draining the swamp.
ccarmichael007: Well that's a relief. I hope they have a singing frog. I'd imagine he's made a lot of other changes around the White House too.
swalker218: He's installed gold toilets in all the West Wing bathrooms, and swapped out the Oval Office desk chair for a gilded throne.
ccarmichael007: Classing up the joint. I like it.
swalker218: And all the fast food restaurants are now required to offer 24-hour delivery service. You can order Taco Bell at 3:00 a.m. just by tweeting.
ccarmichael007: I could get on board with that.
swalker218: It's created thousands of minimum-wage jobs.
ccarmichael007: But what about national security? What does this mean for you and Casey?
swalker218: Well…
swalker218: Cabinet meetings now take place in the new Capital Building casino. If they can't come to an agreement, they spin a roulette wheel.
ccarmichael007: I always bet on black.
swalker218: Casey is heading up the new Department of Mandatory Firearm Ownership.
ccarmichael007: That seems fitting for him.
swalker218: And instead of carrying a badge, all female operatives have to wear pageant sashes instead.
swalker218: Our ranking for preferred assignments is now based off of the results of the annual CIA swimsuit competition.
ccarmichael007: Please tell me you have a video of this you can send to me.
swalker218: Chuck…
ccarmichael007: What? It gets lonely being a Morlock.
swalker218: My sash says "MISS CIA 2017." It hasn't exactly done wonders for my covers.
ccarmichael007: I always knew you were a winner, Walker. ;)
swalker218: Oh, for crying out loud.
ccarmichael007: Please, you adore me.
swalker218: Yeah, I do.
ccarmichael007's status changed to idle at 2:22:22
swalker218: Chuck?
swalker218: Where'd you go?
swalker218: And here I am talking to myself again. Lovely.
ccarmichael007's status changed to online at 2:30:56
ccarmichael007: Sarah, you still there?
swalker218: Yes, I'm here.
ccarmichael007: I've made a decision.
swalker218: Oh really? Do tell.
ccarmichael007: A world where Donald Trump can be elected president of the United States is a world where anything is possible. Anything.
swalker218: Go on…
ccarmichael007: Even a scenario where a bearded Morlock and a gorgeous blonde ninja-esque CIA agent escape the shackles of government oppression and ride off into the sunset together.
ccarmichael007: I've spent the last eight years getting to know every inch of this compound and every line of code in the operating system. There's going to be a window tomorrow afternoon where I can make it out of here. All I'll have to do is knock out one delivery guy.
swalker218: What are you saying, Chuck?
ccarmichael007: What I'm saying is…
ccarmichael007: Sarah Walker, will you do me the honor of moving to Canada with me?
swalker218: …
ccarmichael007: Sarah?
swalker218: Yeah?
ccarmichael007: Just say yes.
swalker218: Yes.
ccarmichael007: Really?
swalker218: Really.
ccarmichael007: :)
swalker218: :)
ccarmichael007: Meet me at our spot in 48 hours. And bring a slinky dress.
swalker218: Under one condition.
ccarmichael007: What's that?
swalker218: Lose the beard.
ccarmichael007: As you wish, m'lady.
ccarmichael007 signed out at 2:34:58
swalker218 signed out at 2:35:18
jcasey1980 signed on at 7:43:48
swalker218 signed on at 7:57:32
jcasey1980: Walker?
swalker218: Hey Casey. Long time. How's things?
jcasey1980: You tell me.
swalker218: I have no idea what you're talking about. What's up?
jcasey1980: I was just pulled out of my Cabinet position at DOMFO and reassigned because, apparently, the Intersect has decided to make a run for it in a Subway delivery car. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?
swalker218: Wow… Chuck… I haven't thought about him in years. Do you think he's okay?
jcasey1980: He won't be once I get my hands on him.
swalker218: That's harsh, Casey.
fluffybunnystarchildhippie: So is going back into the field at my age.
swalker218 signed off at 8:01:33
fluffybunystarchildhippie: Hey! Did you change my screen name?
fluffybunnystarchildhippie: Walker?
fluffybunnystarchildhippie: Walker?
fluffybunnystarchildhippie: Nobody tells me anything.
fluffybunnystarchildhippie signed off at 8:05:01
There. Now Nick isn't the only one who can say they've banged their head against a keyboard in the pursuit of better fanfiction. I'd add this tidbit about myself to my OKCupid profile, but strangely enough, he says that hasn't been working out for him at all. Go figure…
Yeah, I know it's risky bringing politics into fanfiction, but I hope I kept this fluffy enough that everyone can have a laugh. Or a grin? Tell me you at least grinned. It's, of course, based on the premise that Chuck was completely oblivious to the entire election cycle. I'm really jealous of him right now.