AN: Okay, so you might ask, why am I writing a story with such a bizarre title?
The short answer is, why the heck not?
The longer answer involves a criticism I received on another story ages ago about how my title and story didn't match. So my hope with this one is to prove that you can still have an enjoyable story without a perfectly matched title. ;-*
And so, I bring you...
...This Title Has Nothing to Do With This Story
Chapter One: Four Score and Seven Years Ago...A Boy Became a Vampire
Greetings reader! My name is Bella Swan. Technically that isn't my full name. Because I have a tendency to glare and grit my teeth at those who use my full name. So we will be using the moniker of Bella Swan for the duration of this story. Unless I end up getting married during the course of this story, in which case it will probably change. Though, I don't foresee that as being entirely too likely since I haven't even found my mate yet. But then again...I don't foresee anything, because, well...I'm just not Alice.
Okay, so that brings us to the question of "who am I?" which I will attempt to shed some light on here. I was born to parents, Charles Swan and Renee Higginbotham. My dad, who prefers to go by Charlie, is the responsible, stable, reliable half of the equation. I tend to take after him in a lot of ways. But he isn't the one who raised me. I grew up in a faraway, mystical land called Phoenix, Arizona.
If you didn't know anything about Phoenix then to look at me, you might think it was a cold and dreary place where people never see the sun. But no, I'm pretty sure I'm just part albino because Phoenix is the exact opposite of that. Blue sky and sunshine, pretty much all the time. People actually go there in the winter just to get away from the less desirable weather of wherever they normally live. We call those people Snowbirds, though there is generally nothing very birdlike about them.
Anyway, I digress. I am writing this chapter in my head at the moment because I don't presently have a pen. Who has a pen? We live in the electronic age. Can you really fault me for not having a pen? I mean, especially because, at the moment, I am currently engulfed in flames that are threatening to devour my very being. Which is why I am writing this. To take my mind off of the soul-crushing pain that I am currently in. And believe me, you haven't felt pain like the agony that comes with transforming into a vampire.
Women say that labor is awful, and it probably most certainly is. Men claim the worst pain for them is passing a large kidney stone. Also probably very excruciating, yes. However these men and women have not lived through the fires of hell, so I really think this probably trumps those experiences. But hey, it's not like I've ever given birth or passed a kidney stone, so I personally wouldn't know.
What I do know, is this: It. Fucking. Hurts. And yes, I said a curse word, oops. I am a teenage girl. You show me a teenage girl who doesn't use any curse words and I will tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, that she is currently not engulfed in the flames of transformation unto vampirism!
But maybe a little Pat Benatar will help here? I dunno, let's try it. I mean, I generally find Pat Benatar helps in most situations, so here goes!
Your love has set my soul on fire, burnin' out of control.
You taught me the ways of desire, now it's takin' its toll.
Hmm, yeah okay maybe that was a poor song choice for this particular instance. I mean, it isn't really Edward's fault that I'm going through hell right now, is it? In fact, I distinctly remember him threatening to attempt to suck the venom out of my arm in a desperate, last-ditch effort to keep me human and innocent because he fears for my soul. Thankfully, it didn't work. The venom had already spread to my major arteries, and thus begins my journey into immortality.
Speaking of immortality, it's almost time. I can feel my heart racing, threatening to leap out of my chest. And once it's beating finally seems unable to thud any faster…
...it abruptly stops.
Well shit. I'm dead.
I open my eyes. Wait...what? Dead people generally don't go around opening their eyes. Think, Bella, what's going on here?
Oh yeah! I'm technically only partially dead. Or rather, I guess I'm undead maybe? I dunno, I'm a little foggy on the specifics. But what I do know, is that I, Bella Swan, am now a vampire! That's correct folks, you heard it here first. I am officially a certified, bona fide, card-carrying (I mean, do they give out cards for this type of thing?) member of the vampire race.
I sit bolt upright and find myself in a bedroom. Odd, I thought we were in a ballet studio. Oh well, I will analyze that later. I look around. There are several people staring at me, but none are the person I expected to see. Oh, where, oh where can he be? Wait, isn't that a song about a dog?
Jasper must be feeling my confusion. Because very cautiously, and like seriously, I mean soooo carefully, the way you would approach...a skunk, or, well maybe you wouldn't want to approach a skunk. So how about a porcupine? Nah, probably not a good idea there either. Let's just say he is acting like I am an unpredictable source of concern, okay? But he does approach me, slowly and says: "Edward was afraid to be here when you woke up. He thinks you're gonna hate him now since he couldn't save you. His words, not mine."
That pansy ass pussy! That weak little wiener of a man! I just went through three days of hell for him, to be with him for all eternity and he isn't even capable of being present to welcome me into my new life? What kind of bullshit is this?
Hmm, maybe Heartbreaker was the right song choice. As a side note, teenage girls also tend to curse when having their emotions stomped on by teenage boys. Which is, for all intents and purposes, what Edward is. A teenage boy. A stupid, stupid, stupid, (yes, that required three stupids) teenage boy. Oh well, his loss, not mine.
"Okay, well, I'm probably gonna have to leave the family for a while then," I tell them, which causes a round of shocked looks from everyone present.
"Why, Sissy?" Emmett pouts, looking like a petulant little boy whose favorite toy is being taken away from him.
"For several reasons. The first being, if I stay, I'm probably going to kill Edward for being a penis. And I don't think any of you want me to do that," I state boldly.
Surprisingly, other than Carlisle and Esme, and maybe Alice, the rest of the family looks like they are contemplating it. Wow, good to know old Eddy Boy sure is loved around here. Moving on.
"The second reason being, obviously Edward is not my mate. I really doubt, given how protective vampires are of their mates, that he could have left during my change if he was. And if he isn't my mate, then that means, my mate could be out there, somewhere. Which I, unfortunately, won't find out, sitting around here," I surmise.
"Darlin' I hate to point out the obvious, but if yer quest is to find yer mate, maybe you oughta start by lookin' around here. Since Edward ain't the only vampire in this family," Jasper advises.
Okay, am I the only one confused by this statement here, or what?
"Uhh, Jasper...unless there are some other male vampires hanging out in the attic, or the basement, whom I have yet to meet, I'm pretty sure every male vampire here, besides Edward is mated, right?" I ask quizzically.
"Not correct, Bella, actually," Carlisle states, to my shock. "It is essential to our cover story and to the local humans' well-being, that we appear to be mated pairs, for several reasons. Firstly, Esme and I needed to be married in order to believably adopt. Also, it helps keep the single nurses at bay, for me to have a wife. Not to mention, a vampire gets lonely over the years and companionship, even without the permanence of a mating bond, is essential to remain entirely sane," he explains for his part.
"Yeah and Rosie and I started out as a type of therapy for her. She had serious trust issues with men due to her human life. But when I came along, the big, loveable teddy bear who wouldn't hurt a fly, it didn't take her long to realize I'd make a good practice mate. Until we both manage to find our forever mates. Plus if Rose had to go to public school single and get hit on by all the pervy teenage boys, I think there'd be an epic massacre eventually." Emmett laughs.
"An' as far as Alice and I are concerned, we're essentially just friends. Best friends. We don't even have sex, 'cause it's important to her to keep that part of her life for her mate when she finds him. I do use my gift to get her off sometimes, just fer funzies, but that's pretty much it. Other than that, most of my testosterone gets spent on our Denali cousins who happen to be unmated succubi sisters." He shrugs.
"So, what you're saying is...you're all technically single?" I confirm, wanting to make sure I have this all correct. I mean, it would be terribly uncool to think I have access to a veritable buffet of man meat, only to get my head slammed off a few walls by an angry female later on.
"Yes Dear. That is what they are saying." Esme smiles sincerely. "So please, by all means, stay and get to know the family, separate from Edward's influence. We really love our son, but we're also aware that he can be quite a cock at times."
I nearly guffaw. Esme, sweet, sweet Esme, just said cock!
"Okay then, I will," I agree, nodding for emphasis. "Now, who wants the first crack at teaching me to hunt?"
There is a bit of a scramble, as they all remember that as a newborn vampire, I will need to feed in short order. And it is quickly decided that Carlisle should take me because he has been hunting for animals longer than anyone else has so he would be the most experienced teacher. Not to mention, Carlisle Cullen is a yummy dish of vampire/doctor sexiness and I really wouldn't mind letting him taste my temperature if you catch my drift.
And they obviously catch my drift, by the looks I am giving him, because as we head for the woods, Esme pulls me aside and whispers: "Just so you know, Sweetie, he really likes the lotus position, so that he can look into your eyes. Okay?"
Wow. Did my new 'mom' just give me advice for having sex with my new 'dad'? Can't decide if that's kinky or creepy. I guess I'll decide after our hunt. "Okay, thanks, Esme." I smile. Even if it is weird, I know she genuinely means to be helpful, so I really can't fault her.
That's right about when Carlisle takes me by the hand and leads me into the woods. And I have a hunch we're not on our way to grandmother's house. Although I can't help feeling a bit like red riding hood anyway.
AN: Shout out to my BFF, IWriteNaked who beta'd this chapter!