Best Thing He Ever Lost
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Major Crimes; James Duff, et al, has that lovely distinction.
A/N: He'd spent most of his life married to her albeit most of their marriage they were legally separated. He couldn't imagine a life without her in it because, above all else, he needed her. Then she wised up, got stronger, and divorced him.
A/N2: Jack seems to catch Musey's ear though she doesn't always fall for his charms and only present his best side.
~~~~~PT~~~~~
The first thing Jack had noticed about Sharon was her long legs and flowing hair. Then she turned around and he was struck by her beauty. Talking with her, charming her, getting to know her, he discovered she was beautiful inside too as well as intelligent, analytical, stubborn with a silent strength she only used when necessary. He was drawn to her innocence, a certain sort of naïveté he rarely saw in people their own ages.
When he told her he loved her the first time, it was to get her into bed. He knew she needed to hear it before she'd give herself to him. Over time, the words rang true but he couldn't recall the exact moment when it happened. Asking her to marry him seemed like the obvious thing to do. They honestly loved one another and spent time taking about their future together. They both wanted to be attorneys and he thought that'd keep them busy and in the money.
Her parents weren't too keen on him but she loved him and that was all that mattered. Her father warned him there was no option for divorce so he'd better be ready for a lifetime with his daughter and his grandchildren. He'd assured him that he was.
They had worked everything out before they even said I do. Sharon would find a job that would support the both of them while he would go to law school, not having to worry about holding down a job on top of his academic workload. Her father hated the idea that his girl would be supporting her husband. It should be the other way around! When Jack explained that he would then work while Sharon went to law school, the older man calmed down but still had his doubts. His little girl supporting a man just did not sit well with him.
Sharon joined the LAPD to make enough money for the both of them and over time found she genuinely enjoyed her work. She tried to share some of her experiences with Jack but he was too busy with his school work, trying to pad his resume with internships and hanging out with his friends. They liked to drink, maybe too much, but she'd always pick him up from the bar when he couldn't make it home on his own.
Being a cop didn't change her, being a mother did. He found that she repeated herself more often to him about things he'd promised to get done but hadn't found the time to just yet. He discovered she fell for his charm less and less when it affected their children. He saw her use that quiet strength more and more, not only to make it on the job but towards him.
When she told him she felt alone, like she was raising their children by herself, his response should've been to just go to the bar, get drunk and take a taxi home. Instead he stayed away for an entire weekend, loving up on some girl who just wanted to have a good time for a little while with no responsibility.
When he went back home, he'd thought he'd catch hell but she greeted him with open arms and a tear-stained face and they went back to the way they had been. Until it happened again and he stayed away longer. Each time though, she took him back.
One night he forced her to tell him why that was. Her answer stung and he knew it was the truth. She'd take him back because she loved him with all her heart and as much as he broke it time and time again their children needed their father.
Eventually she filed for the legal separation. He'd gambled through their money and she'd had to take a loan from her parents to dig herself out of the hole he left behind. He'd felt guilty about hurting her but he had his addictions and Heaven help him he couldn't fight them when they called. His guilt was strong enough that he signed the separation papers knowing that legally it was only a step away from an actual divorce. It was as far as she'd go, he knew, and he used that to his advantage.
Through it all, he loved her. He loved their kids. He loved to drink, and gamble, sleep with other women and leave her alone for long stretches of time knowing he could always return, knowing he'd always have a place in her heart.
He couldn't help his vices and he couldn't help hurting his wife and one day he moved to another state leaving her to raise Emily and Ricky on her own. She paid her parents back without a dime from him and didn't ask for a return on any of her investments.
He thought this was how you loved someone, unconditionally. What he didn't realize was that she needed things from him like kisses for no reason, hugs just because, an ear after a bad day at work, help with the chores, or any number of things he didn't do for her because he thought she had it all together, thought she could handle anything he and life threw at her.
He believed she'd always be there for him. Until the day he got the papers from her attorney with the words Dissolution of Marriage on top and her signature and initials everywhere they needed to be. She was divorcing him and he was angry but he still loved her. He realized he just didn't know how to love her the way she deserved. Now he was losing her.
As he stood in the middle of his living room, looking at the pictures of Ricky and Emily and the one wedding picture he had, he saw a rather bleak life but he had asked for this. He had a woman who loved him regardless and he'd run out on her one too many times, asked her for money far too often, showed up drunk after countless promises to stay sober and just plain wasn't there for her the way he'd promised her father all those years before that he would be.
He screwed up big time and he knew it. He wasn't as foolish as some thought. He knew what he had therefore he knew what he lost. He tried to explain it to his sponsor: how he could love her but keep hurting her; how he could love her but not be there for her; how he could love her but leave her to handle everything alone. He finally realized it didn't make sense to even him so how the hell was anyone else supposed to understand.
The point was he loved her but he couldn't be with her, he couldn't help her raise their kids, he couldn't live up to her high expectations and he couldn't take the disappointment and hurt in her eyes when she looked at him.
Her anger, despair and resignation eventually did nothing but anger him and that only made things worse between them. He felt like a failure and that look she gave him, that tone she used with him, the things the kids discussed that only included her, they all made him feel like even more of a failure than he already did. It was easier to stay away. He wasn't good enough for her anyway.
When he moved back for good or as long as he could stay in Los Angeles without looking to run, he figured that he'd have the chance to be a part of her life again on a more regular basis. Not live with her like normal married people did but spend time with her, have sex with her, borrow money from her and use her connections for his own good. She'd also be able to help him improve his relationship with their kids. He needed her in his life.
He'd explained that much to his sponsor and only ended up getting angry at the guy's response. His own sponsor, damnit, had shaken his head and told him he had no idea what it was to really love someone, to be a husband and father, because he was nothing but an addict. He'd gone on to specify that even when he wasn't partaking in his vices, he was an addict; he thought, rationalized and hurt people like an addict. Jack had been so pissed at him; he'd walked out of their meeting and almost went to see Sharon. Only she didn't want to see him anymore. They were divorced and he was only the father of their children to her.
He'd grabbed a bottle of wine and blamed his sponsor. It was always someone else's fault. His sponsor's words came back to haunt him. Sharon's words did too. Andy's did also as did Emily's and Ricky's and even Rusty's. He dreamt of all of them, remembered things they'd told him in the past. When he woke up with a pounding headache and realized he couldn't call out from work, he thought about his dreams and realized they were all right. He had never taken responsibility for his own actions. The least he could do for his kids was to start now.
Then he'd found out that Sharon was dating Andy. He'd heard it through the rumor mill, gotten confirmation in person and seen them out on a date while he was with a client. The way she smiled, the way she touched him, the way she laughed and the way she kissed him all reminded him of everything he'd lost because he didn't know how to love her the way she needed to be loved.
Well whose fault is that?! His parents who didn't show him how to do it right? Sharon's for expecting too much from him? She was the one who married beneath her so why did he have to live up to her high and mighty expectations? Andy's for managing to stay sober for twenty years and work his ass off now to make amends to his family?
Andy was everything Jack wasn't and his blood boiled when he thought of them together. How dare she say she divorced him to adopt the kid then turn around and start dating Andy a year later?! Once he thought about it, his anger seemed irrational given the amount of time that passed before they began dating but he was still angry at the idea of someone else having what he wanted or more accurately what he needed, someone else being better at it with her then he was.
Sitting down on his couch, hands covering his face, he gave up. He'd done everything in his power to stay away from her and now that she agreed and had found someone else, the least he could do, as both his kids told him, was to be happy for her and leave her alone, leave them alone. That hit him hard. Sharon was a part of a them and he wasn't the other part. That would take some getting used to.
In the meantime, he'd lost what he'd worked so hard to stay away from. He'd lost the best thing he never deserved. He'd lost a huge part of his life that he spent so many years ignoring. He'd lost her love and though he never felt like he deserved it, he knew the treasure her love could be and now Andy had it. He'd lost her and he had nobody to blame but himself.
This he realized as he sat alone on his couch, in his small rental apartment, and she moved on with her good friend Andy. He could still try with his kids. He owed her, and them, that much.
[The End]