Title: I Don't Want to be Me
Summary: A bit of a random reflection on Pansy's life. A songfic to Amanda Clemon's song I Don't Want to be Me.
Rating: M (for mention of attempted suicide and because I don't fully understand this crazy new rating system and am being cautious.)
Disclaimer: Obviously I am neither J. K. Rowling nor Amanda Clemons so clearly I do not own any of the following characters or lyrics.
A/N: So this is just a quick one shot. It's not as good as I'd hoped it would be. Originally I had a lot of more ideas to put into this, but to be honest I'm not sure that I picked the best song. The third person narrative and then the first person narrative comes off as somewhat awkward, but what I had originally meant for was for the lyrics to signify Pansy's thoughts/feelings. But anyways I love Pansy as a character and I hope that you guys enjoy this anyways.
Pansy Parkinson had expensive taste. Or rather her mother, Mrs. Parkinson, did. Pansy wore only the most expensive robes. Granted they weren't always the most stylish outfits, but they had without a doubt cost more than those of any other girl in the school. She supposed that she should probably have taken some sort of pride in that. Surely that had been her mother's intention. But sometimes she wondered…
"I'm not feeling so bold
Can't you see I don't want to grow old?
And my photographs and epitaph of parody
I don't want to be me"
Pansy Parkinson had perfectly styled hair and knew the most effective beauty charms. However there was only so much that could be done to improve her somewhat unfortunate features, mainly her slightly upturned nose. Sometimes Pansy thought that that might not bother her so much if her mother wasn't always bringing it up.
"I'm not feeling so sure
It would help if you offered a cure
If I wait it's to late for the remedy
I don't want to be me"
In her fourth year Draco Malfoy, who she'd had a crush on since they were eleven, asked Pansy to go with him to the Yule Ball. She tried to pretend like his father hadn't told him to ask her. She tried to pretend that their parents hadn't gotten together and decided that they would be a suitable pairing. While getting ready she did her best to pretend that her horrifyingly pink and ruffled, not to mention equally horrifyingly expensive, gown was actually a sleek and stylish set of robes like those worn by her year mate Blaise Zambini. And then at the dance she tried to pretend that it was her Draco was gazing longingly at, rather than the sixth year Ravenclaw with the low cut robes. Unfortunately there is only so much pretending that one fourteen year old girl can handle.
"You won't save me
Cause I'm not the fortunate one
So don't blame me
If I decide to go hide or instead to just run"
It was in her sixth year that Pansy finally gave up on pining after Draco Malfoy. That is not to say that she didn't still harbor some more than friendly feelings towards him. She just gave up on hoping that he'd actually be returning those feelings any time soon. Naturally she still assumed they'd one day wind up marrying. She's overheard a private conversation between the Parkinsons and the Malfoys that summer regarding a merger of their two prominent pure blood families. That night she spent four hours crying in her private bath. There is nothing more depressing, she thought, then marrying someone who never has and never will love you simply to satisfy ones family. But of course she dried her tears and washed up in time for diner and acted as though nothing had happened. She would marry Draco Malfoy because there was simply no other option.
"I'm not feeling so well
Maybe we could just sit for a spell
And make amends it depends on my injury
I don't want to be me
I don't want to be me
I don't want to be me"
In her seventh year, the day before her graduation, Pansy Parkinson tried to kill herself. She wanted to go quickly and easily, but she didn't know how to perform any of the spells or hexes that would achieve such a thing. She ended up slashing both of her wrists open with her potions knife and casting and anti-clotting hex on herself to insure that enough of her blood would spill out. She did it in one of the prefects' showers with the water on full blast as hot as it would go. It was none other than Draco Malfoy who found her like that. His finding her was actually somewhat of an accident. He'd be planning on taking a bath himself when he'd heard her. He'd thought it was someone else. He casted the necessary healing charms and then turned and left without a word. Pansy stayed there in the shower crying for the rest of the night. But the next day she turned up for graduation and smiled for all the pictures. And no one noticed the silent tears in her eyes when her name was called and she walked up to accept her diploma.
"You won't save me
Cause I'm not the fortunate one
So don't blame me
If I decide to just run
'Cause I'm not the fortunate one
So don't blame me
If I decide to go hide or instead to just run"
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