Give Me Life, Give Me Pain
By
TheValravn
Disclaimer: I neither own, nor claim to own the characters or music appearing in this story and they are the property of their respective owners. The title is part of the lyrics from Tori Amos' wonderful "Little Earthquakes" on the album of the same name. This piece is for entertainment purposes only. I make no profit from this. In terms of Glee, this piece is set after the events of the fourth season, so spoilers up to that point apply. This piece does take into account the real world death of Cory Monteith and applies it to the character he played, Finn Hudson. As such, this piece contains references to death, death of a major character, swearing, Atheist thoughts/dialogue, and things I have probably forgotten. If you find any of that offensive, I would suggest you stop reading now.
Kurt felt his phone ringing in his back pocket half-way through the jubilation of the New Directions win. He pulled it out and saw his father's number. Fearing the worst, he politely excused himself and stood outside in the hallway. He felt eyes following him, but he didn't notice whose they were. "Dad, what's up?" he asked, high from the emotional energy in the choir room.
"Finn's been in a car accident Kurt…he's dead," his father's voice was controlled, but Kurt knew just how much Burt had to be hurting. Seconds pass and Kurt found himself unable to process what he had heard. The hallway span around him and knees gave out underneath him as he sank down. Not far from here, Finn and he learned they were going to be step-siblings. Not far from here, Finn had worn a red shower curtain defending him. Not far from here, he and Finn had worked on Jean Sylvester's Funeral. Not far from here, he had learned his brother had voted for him in the school election. With each shaking breath, a memory of his brother came to Kurt's mind.
"What?" he heard himself saying. A part of him refused to accept what his father had said. Wave after wave of nausea rolled through his body. Finn couldn't be dead, he told himself. They had talked on Skype only two weeks ago. Finn couldn't be dead, he just couldn't.
"Kurt," Burt began but he heard his son's voice hitch. He waited, standing outside of the hospital room where Carol wept over her son's body.
"You told me Finn was dead Dad, he can't be, he…" Kurt trailed off his voice giving out on him, tears beginning to fall down his face. What kind of god would allow this? What kind of god would be so cruel? Finn might have been stupid and might have said some hurtful things on occasion, but he had done nothing to deserve this. What kind of god would have let this happen? If he hadn't been an Atheist before this moment, hearing the pain, the agony, the tears of his father's voice would have driven Kurt to Atheism in a single moment. It wasn't true, it couldn't be. Stunned into silence, Kurt listened as his father gave details. He told Kurt what hospital to come to, and to come soon. Kurt did not trust himself to stand, let alone drive, but he told his father he would be there as soon as he could. Hanging up had a finality, a cold edge Kurt had seldom felt before.
Staring across the hall, feeling nothing and everything all at once, Kurt wept in bursts. Monsoons of tears fell for seconds, then slow, paced breaths evened out the flow to next to nothing before the least little memory caused the cloud burst of saline. Time blurred and Kurt was only distantly aware of one of the New Directions, Marley perhaps, starting a rousing verse of Queen's "We are the Champions." Kurt chuckled, Finn had always hummed that song after winning a football game. Pulling himself to his feet, he wiped his eyes and controlled his breath. They had to be told, Kurt thought to himself, and he knew he would have to be the one to do it.
When he opened the door, the celebrations continued, no one seemed to notice the grim look on Kurt's face. When the song finished, before another could begin, Kurt walked directly to the piano. His mother had sung this song to him, a sweet sad lullaby. Now he knew it for what it was, a dirge. The deliberation of his fingers, and the tone of the music brought the room to silence in a matter of moments and Kurt heard his voice, high, crisp, and much like how it had been when sang "Blackbird."
"Snow can wait, I forgot my mittens," he began, somehow controlling the tears, "I forgot my mittens, wipe my nose, put my new boots on. I get a little warm in my heart when I think of winter. I put my hand in my brother's glove." He had effortlessly changed the lyrics, but in so doing his voice hitched after the line. He powered through. He brought all of himself to the performance. When he reached the end of the first chorus, "I tell you that I'll always want you near, you say things change my dear," tears were beginning to run down his cheeks. However he was able to keep singing, seraphic voice filling the room and his former classmates stunned at the power he had kept hidden. Even Mr. Schuester seemed awed by what Kurt was doing.
The song continued and Kurt finally reached the last chorus, he heard someone whimpering gently. The last notes of the piano echoed after his voice died. "What was that about?" Sam asked looking at his former housemate.
"Finn…Finn's dead," Kurt said simply, not daring to look at the blond. The stunned silence screamed in the room, and somewhere Kurt felt what was left of his control shatter as a new wave of tears fell from his eyes.