AN: This one was supposed to be something very different but I found myself writing a much more uncertain Jack than I am used to and so the whole piece took on a whole new identity and lead me here. I should not really post it yet, I should digest it a little but three quarters of it has been on the back-burner for so long that I feel it's time to let it go...
Just one small thing: The softer side of Jack was very rarely seen on-screen. Just remember that guy in Threads who, despite there being camera's in the isolation room, dropped his arm around Carter's shoulder...
Not sure exactly when this takes place, probably up at the cabin when they all FINALLY! go fishing...
Summary: It is decision time for Jack and Sam. The military boundary around their lives is about to be lifted, but what is the right decision for our intrepid duo? Jack is not so sure. What is the one thing that is holding him back and can Sam help him overcome his reservation? Set near end of S8. Just after Kerry and Pete. Kplus rated. Angst/Romance.
TIME.
It was decision time and they both knew it, but how could they go about making such a huge decision, neither of them even knew where to start. I mean for all her smarts and all his tactical strategy this was a completely different minefield than either of them had ever encountered before.
Jack O'Neill's face twitched slightly and he raised his head to look at the woman beside him. Sam Carter was sitting there almost as tense as he had ever known her and in the last eight years he had seen a lot of tension in her. He had also seen a lot of other things in her too and right now it was her light laughter he craved more than anything, that look of pure joy that came into her brilliantly blue eyes, but instead things had very suddenly dropped into awkward territory. He shifted and let out a frustrated sigh, it should not be awkward, many, many things should be, but not this, not them.
Sam, head still dipped, flicked her eyes towards him and observed his restlessness through her lashes. She understood his emotions perfectly as they clearly mirrored her own. Pete was gone from her life and Kerry was gone from his, everyone was preparing to move on and very soon the military restriction between them would officially disappear. But after all this time were they really ready to take that next step? Did they really think that they could make the adjustment? For so many many years now they had both silently wanted and longed for this. And now the time to decide was here, abruptly it seemed it was tonight, her heart lurched at the mere thought of it, it seemed so huge.
The silence stretched out between them and Jack felt a pang of hurt. It should not be like this, they should both be excited, they had waited for years for this. Sure maybe at the very beginning he did not recognise what was growing inside him, his grief over Charlie was still too fresh but as soon as he truly saw what they had and realised how deep their feelings for each other were, he knew he would wait forever for her and it already seemed as though he had.
Right up there on the surface, this was everything he wanted but when he dared to scratch that surface he was afraid, really afraid. What if he hurt her? What if it did not work out? The thought of losing Samantha Carter altogether because he was too scarred and screwed up to give her everything she wanted, needed and deserved pushed him to the point of panic.
Carter watched as Jack's stress levels spiked. It was always very subtle but she could tell when he was nervous or upset. Something in the set of his shoulders would shift and he always closed his eyes just very briefly, blink and you could so easily miss it. Not wanting him to feel like that Sam reached out and took his hand. "There's no rush, Jack." she found herself saying. "We don't need to decide anything now."
Jack felt his heart flutter at the unexpected contact. It meant that it took a little time for her words to sink in. When they did he smiled, just a little. Her words made sense but "I know there's no rush, Sam, I just...don't you think we've waited long enough?"
"Well yes of course, but that was out of our control, this isn't." She paused to look down at the polished nails. "And...I don't want to put any pressure on something that should be...that should be..." her words failed her, she did not even really know what she was trying to say.
"Natural?" Jack filled in sadly, why did this not feel natural?
"No!" Sam said a little too fiercely, that was not what she meant. "Jack, Hone-ey..." she tugged on his hand, her voice riding high with emotion. "What we have has always been restricted and, I think that we...I think that over the years we got used to that and got too comfortable. I mean, don't you think this decision has been coming for a while?"
Jack cocked his head. As usual it seemed her mind was ahead of his. "I don't know what you mean." he told her despondently, avoiding her eyes. Sometimes he just felt so out of his depth around Sam.
Carter scrutinised him for a moment, he was not playing dumb, he really could not see it. "I mean..." she offered patiently. "Pete is gone from my life, and Kerry..." That hurt. "Kerry is gone from yours. Why did our relationships with them not work out?" She shook her head in self-deprecation. "Why were we ever with them in the first place?"
Jack sensed the last part of her sentence was mostly spoken to herself but he was starting to get her point. "Is the Airforce the only thing keeping you two apart?" Kerry's voice rang out in his ears. It had actually taken him a while to accept the truth of her words, but really I mean what was so difficult about being in love with Sam Carter? Why was it so hard to accept that there would be no-one else in the world for him? What was so scary about knowing she was the one?
Abruptly he was shaking his head, no, this was not right. He pulled his hand free from hers. It was not fair...how could he ask her to shoulder that? If he allowed himself to fall for Carter then it would be all of him, he would lose himself completely in her and that would be a heavy burden and way too much for her to sacrifice. After all he could not give her what he believed she truly wanted. He could not give her a child...he just could not do that again. "Sam..." He was still shaking his head. "You can do better."
"No Jack!" She would not accept that, desperately she grabbed out at him. "There is no better than you!" She stared hard at him, all of her barriers falling away in a desperate attempt to get him to see. He was on the verge of shutting down, of shutting her out completely and if he did that there would be no turning back. "Can't you see?" she begged him. "Can't you see who you are?"
Jack barked out a brief laugh. "Who Sam...who am I?" He wanted to push to his feet but she was holding onto him too tightly. For just a moment he reflected internally. "I am just a broken old man, with nothing to offer anyone. I can't even go out on active duty any more, so they've offered me another promotion and stuffed me into a tiny box office with a crappy leather chair to keep me pacified. I mean, who would want that? It's hardly the epitome of success."
Sam shook her head in utter disbelief. Was that truly the way he saw himself. "My god!" she uttered. "Jack, do you really think about yourself like that?"
O'Neill snorted. "Yeah...no...sometimes...but my point is I'm not the one for you Sam." He looked deep into her eyes and tried to steel himself against his own heart. He pulled himself free of her. "I can't give you what you need."
Carter swallowed hard, her sense of rejection was growing, didn't he know her at all? "You are all I need." she choked out, sudden tears were pressing at the back of her eyes, she fought to hold them back. It was difficult to hear him talk so frankly and so negatively about himself. It was even worse to think that he might be willing to throw away their only chance at being together. "I don't need anything else if I have you."
Jack's face twisted into a small resigned grin. "Yes you do...there is something that you want that I can't give you."
"What?" Sam was genuinely clueless, what more than Jack O'Neill could she possibly ever want or need? She watched him closely as he rose up and turned away from her.
Jack felt every fibre of his being hurt, it seemed he was going to have to say the words out loud, he kept his back turned as he spoke to her. "I can't give you a child Sam. I can't do that again...I just can't...Charlie's...what happened to Char..." a sharp painful breath cut off his words, he wavered where he stood. Even after all this time he could not say those words out loud.
"Oh my god, Ja-ack!" Sam thought her heart was about to burst with relief and understanding. She pushed to her feet and stepped round in front of him. Carefully she placed her hands on his upper arms and waited for him to look up. "Jack...I can't have kids."
"What?" Jack was barely able to comprehend her.
"Jolinar." Sam explained. "My physiology...it can't happen." She paused at the sight of the utter sadness in his eyes.
"But you would make such a good mother." Jack breathed out. He had no idea whither he had intended to say that out loud or not.
Carter found herself grinning widely and dipped her head at his complement. "Oh I doubt that, but thank you."
"You would." Jack insisted. "You really, really would."
Sam felt a pang of hurt, in truth she would have liked nothing more than to have kids with Jack O'Neill but a long time ago she had reconciled herself to the fact that that was never going to be a possibility and a small part of her was glad for that. She was never sure if she could have put him in that position. She had recently just lost her dad and the absolute torture of her grief plagued her night and day but even at that she still could not even begin to understand what he must have gone through losing his son. No, she could never have asked that of him and when the option had been taken away from her it had given her a new clarity. "Jack, I don't need a child to be happy. I don't need a house, or a picket fence or even a dog! All I need is you. I don't care how or where...or even when, just so long as it happens, so long as we happen."
"No dog?" Jack asked, making her laugh.
"Well maybe, but that's not the point."
"Oh I think it is." he teased. Now that he had her laughing he did not want her to stop.
Sam just shook her head, smiling. This was why she loved this man so much. No matter how serious the situation was or how heavy the conversation got with just a few choice words he could make her feel good...he could make her happy.
"No seriously, listen Sam." Jack said, his voice dropping off. "I want to be with you, I really do but I'm just not sure I'm ever going to be enough for you. You deserve the best. Is some crusty old almost retired General really what you want?"
"Will you stop it with the 'old' routine. You're fifty-three for crying out loud!"
"It's fifty-two actually." he retorted snarkily.
Sam frowned. "No it's not, it was your birthday last week but maybe you forgot that in your old age!"
"Oh ha ha!" Jack muttered. How could he have forgotten that. Getting dumped by Kerry really was such a great birthday present, but then again he had not told her it was his birthday...and didn't that say a lot? He sighed heavily. "I just don't know Sam. I mean really?" he asked looking deep into her eyes for an answer.
Sam did not bother to say anything, she did not need to. All of their deepest communications had always taken place within the silences in their sentences and this time silence was all that was required.
Jack smiled and dropped his head, shaking it slightly. Carefully he took both her hands in his. "You really do love me that much don't you?" he asked feeling that old sense of disbelief that someone as perfect as her could ever feel anything for a fool like him.
"Mm-hmm." Sam confirmed, her lips drawn tight in a one-fraction-away-from-sexy-pouting grin.
"And I...well..." he stumbled, dang his inability to express himself!
Sam placed a single finger on his lips, startling him a little. "Don't." she whispered and saw his relief. "Just don't. I don't need it." She smiled as he registered her point.
Jack nodded, he got it. 'Just be yourself.' "Okay." If that was what she wanted then that was what he would do. Gently he moved in to lean against her and dropped his head to meet hers. Just before they kissed Jack felt his barriers slip away. "I love you, Sam." he said and grinning closed the minuscule gap that had been separating them for way, way too many years.
END
AN: Well, there we go then. Thoughts welcome. This is unedited as yet and may change a little, but not much I think. Thoughts welcome on this one...please, pretty please :)