Title: Bombshell
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Law & Order: SVU
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Jack and Benji have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: A future chapter of Welcome Home. Olivia and Cragen have a conversation about her sons and her future in SVU. Set around Jack's birthday/Christmas. This is a flash forward and will later be moved/added to Welcome Home when it catches up to this point.
Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Most of the chapters will ultimately take place outside of the work environment, so there aren't going to be too many references to cases from the show. But this story would generally be starting in about Season 15 of the show. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.
WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS FOR READERS OF "WELCOME HOME". THIS IS A FUTURE CHAPTER TO 'WELCOME HOME' THAT WILL BE ADDED WHEN THE STORY CATCHES UP TO THAT POINT IN THE TIMELINE. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT OUT OF SEQUENCE — JUST WAIT AND EVENTUALLY THIS WILL APPEAR AS A CHAPTER IN THE WH STORY.
"He's so funny to watch," Olivia said. "It's hard to believe he's 20 today. There's still so much little boy in him. He was so inexperienced and sheltered in some ways and then in others …," she gave her captain a thin smile and a small shrug.
In other ways her son had been forced to grow up – to become hardened – far too quickly. He'd been hurt too much. He had that pain and anger and those scars. Maybe that's why she clung to the moments where she could see the child in him – or at least she caught glimpses of the joy and happiness and wonderment in him. She liked helping him have those moments too. Even if it was now for a twenty-year-old young man.
"I'm glad he enjoyed it," Cragen provided, giving her a small nod and looking at the rather sad but pretty typical greasy spoon lunch he had in front of him.
Apparently her and Cragen were starting a bit of a tradition where he dragged her out for lunch a few days before Christmas and they had a chat. Only this chat seemed easier and more natural than the previous year. They'd mended a lot of bridges in that time and he also wasn't lecturing her about the state of her life and career – nor near ordering her to take the promotion exam. It sort of made spending some time together – and getting out of the squad room for an hour – a bit more tolerable.
"I think it's about the …", she thought about it for a moment. "Likely the third or fourth meal at a nicer restaurant I've had him out at. He finally didn't look at the menu like it was written in another language."
Cragen gave her a smile. "What'd he manage to order?"
Olivia shrugged at that. "The steak. I think that's what he thinks you're supposed to order when you're at a restaurant. But he enjoyed it. Raved about it. That's all that matters."
"And did he enjoy the show too?" Cragen asked her with a small raised eyebrow before he brought his sandwich back up to his mouth. The steak – without a doubt – was about a thousand times better than the options at the diner, even if Olivia had felt there were better options at the restaurant when they had Jack's birthday dinner.
But she nodded again. She'd likely expressed at some point in the squad room that the Christmas concert tickets – masked as Jack's birthday outing – might go over like a lead balloon. She wasn't even sure how much Benji would enjoy it. But she'd just sort of hoped the spectacle of it all would be enough to win the boys over. Though, Brian hadn't been quite as supportive about that. She actually thought he was going to refuse to join them. Not that Jack likely would've cared either way – but she would've.
Brian kept pushing to get sports tickets. Football, basketball, hockey. He was pretty much willing to go to anything if it meant he and the boys wouldn't have to sit through the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. But Olivia thought that Jack might think sitting through a sports match ranked as worse than the Rockettes. And sports didn't seem all that Christmas-y to Olivia – despite Brian contending they held games around the holidays for a reason. But her kids, her money. She'd plan Jack's birthday and their family Christmas outing the way she wanted. If Brian wanted to spend money on sports tickets and try to wrangle the kids into being excited about going to that – that was his business. He could do it on his own time and credit card.
"He did," she said. "He won't likely admit that. But he loved the theatre. Was amazed. And, both the boys really had their jaw drop moments. I caught them a couple times."
It was true. She hadn't been to the show in decades and it really had been a forced activity on her sons. She knew it wasn't that boy-ish. But it was something that she wanted to do with them. It just seemed like something you were supposed to take your kids to at least once if you had them growing up on the city and wanted to give them a New York Christmas. She thought he'd likely be about her last chance to do it with Jack and she knew the magic of it would work best while Benji was still little. If she waited too many more years he'd be further corrupted by all the other little boys in his class defining for him what were 'boy things' and what were 'girl things' more than he'd already established for himself. She didn't want the show to be deregulated to something that was 'just for girls' to the point that he'd put up a fuss about going and force himself not to enjoy it.
But both Jack and Brian had kept their comments to themselves that afternoon and let Benji be excited about seeing the Christmas show. They'd let him be excited about getting his antler headband when they entered the theatre and his box of popcorn decorated with toy soldiers. Both Jack and Benji had been excited to find their Elf Vision 3D glasses in the program after they'd found their seats. Despite Olivia telling them both that they'd be told when it was time to put them on and that wearing them the entire show was likely going to take away from the show, both her boys had had them on looking like complete goofballs until the lights dimmed. They were a little too excited about them. Jack actually seemed to perk up when he realized the show was going to be in 3D – even if it was only going to be a segment. Though she'd overheard him making some whispered remarks to Brian about what they'd be making 3D on the Rockettes. That at least earned a smile out of Brian – though he'd known better than to participate in that conversation. Olivia forced herself to ignore them and not give him a lecture about objectifying women. She'd instead focused on taking some photos of her boys in their new (color coordinated) clothes bought specifically for their Christmas outing and birthday dinner – and more specifically them looking adorably stupid in their cardboard blue and red lens glasses.
The boys had sat in quiet awe when the giant organs started playing the Christmas carols for a sing-along ahead of the show. Benji had been gleeful at that – enthusiastically singing along. He'd been bouncing around on the hard plastic booster seat that'd been put on the chair for him. But even Jack had leaned over to her and said simply, "Crazy awesome". She wasn't sure he so much meant the carols and the course of little kids shrieking along with them as he did the way the organ music was reverberating through the entire music hall. Because she'd agree with him on that point – it was pretty awesome. At least awesomely loud.
It'd been so long since she'd seen the show that she was pretty transfixed by it herself after it started. As usual, Benji had crawled into her lap shortly after the curtain went up. So she had the opportunity to hear his little sounds of awe, astonishment or astoundment – or to feel him fidget against her and looking up at her with wonder. But she had to remind herself to look over at Jack to see how he was doing too. There were a couple numbers that he looked a little bored but there were others where his mouth was hanging open in slack-jawed amazement and clearly involuntarily smiling. The hundreds of Dancing Santas and the Living Nativity and its parade of animals being among them. And then, of course, there'd been the pure glee from both of the boys when it'd been time to put on the glasses and go on a wild sleigh ride from the North Pole and through New York City with Santa on Christmas Eve combined with the falling snow in the theatre. The special effects and visual trick had even earned a, "They did a good job on pulling that off" from Brian.
All-in-all, the show had been a success. The 90-minutes had just whipped by that it was started and done before they knew it. To the point that when the curtain went down that Jack had even asked if that was just the intermission. There seemed like there was some palpable disappointment when she confirmed it was the end. But they'd taken their time exiting the theatre to enjoy the ambiance a bit more and for Jack to gaze at the architecture and the art of it all.
"Did you end up getting to see the rest of the site?" Cragen asked.
Olivia smiled broadly at that and nodded. "Thanks again for telling me about that promotion. I managed to get the tickets upgraded."
She wasn't sure where or how Cragen had heard about the somewhat secret promotion that Rockefeller Center had that included tickets to the Christmas Spectacular and dinner at one of the fancier restaurants on site as well as the choice of a skate in the rink or a tour of the site. But when he'd caught wind she was taking the boys to the show the weekend ahead of Jack's birthday, he'd alerted her to it – and she was glad he had. It'd taken a few phone calls to find anyone who knew what she was talking about and then some flexibility in the time of their show and the seating of their meal – but she did manage to get them upgraded. And considering how much the show would've cost and a meal in that restaurant (which likely wouldn't have been where they'd eaten – but, again, she was glad they had), she thought they got an excellent deal in the promotion and that it certainly had been a good gift, Christmas outing and memory for both of her sons.
"Even Benjamin's?" Cragen asked with some speculation.
She shrugged. "I had to upgrade the entire party's tickets. He had Brian to be bored with. They both behaved."
Cragen smiled at that. "Jack enjoyed it?"
Olivia gave him a more sincere nod. "He loved it."
"Not too touristy?"
She shrugged. It likely was a tour that was designed to be touristy. But it would've been more touristy if they'd done the skating – which they didn't. The whole objective was to let Jack walk around the Rockefeller Center and to learn about the history and the building project and the architecture that made up the complex. Olivia wasn't sure how many tourists would really be interested in that – especially when it involved some wandering around outside in late December looking at the various gardens and courtyards and squares. She didn't doubt that at other times of the year it might be busier (and much more beautiful to the point that she thought it might be worth redoing at some point in the future with all the tourists) but their group was a small size. There were about three other families and a couple couples grouped with them. A very reasonable group to be navigating the area with and to still be able to see what there was to be seen and to hear the guide.
"It was a mix of people. Jack didn't care. He was really engaged. He had so many questions for the tour guide. He had lots of little commentary for me when we were walking around. He just knows so much about this stuff. He's so into it. I learned a lot."
Cragen glowed a bit at that and gave her a small nod.
Olivia let out a little sigh. "It's hard to see how into it he is, how much he knows about it all, the way he lights up. Even just how talented he is with his drawing and art. To see his assignments and what he produces. How absorb he gets in his work when he's got it out on the dining room table on the weekend. And all the questions and commentary he has at things like on the weekend. And then in the next breathe to hear him talking about walking about from architecture."
Cragen gave her a thin smile. "He's a young man. He's just exploring his options."
She sighed and rubbed at her eyebrow, stabbing at her salad. "I know. I want him to be able to explore his options. To do it now. But he's just so talented and so bright."
"He is," Cragen nodded. "And he'll be able to apply those talents and that intelligence in other fields too – if that's what he decides."
She looked up at Cragen and shrugged. "I just can't see him lighting up about … law … Not like he does about buildings and drawing and architecture and art."
"He can still light up about all those things if they aren't his career," Cragen put to her.
"I know," she sighed again. "I just would like to see him doing something he enjoys."
"You don't think he'll enjoy law school?"
Olivia rolled her eyes. "Some of the people law school attracts. Lawyers. Can you see Jack fitting in there? Being in that environment? Becoming one of them?"
"Can you see Jack working in an architecture firm?" Cragen put back to her.
Olivia rubbed her eyebrow and pushed around more of her salad. "No," she admitted. "But I think if he gave his program more of a chance – if he did let himself finish out the urban design aspect of it – I do think I can see him working in certain aspects of that. He gets very passionate when he talks about revitalizing space and reclaiming space and utilizing it in different ways – especially for kids and at risk youth. And I do think there are jobs in that. Ways he can position himself to work with organizations in those areas and on those kinds of projects and efforts. And organizations that would be thrilled to have the kind of background and expertise he's developing." She paused. "If he finishes his degree."
"He's talking about not finishing out his degree?" Cragen said with a touch of concern.
She let out a slow breath. "He's studying for his LSAT. Already. So he's talking about finishing out his undergrad. But to be able to get his architecture certification, he needs to do a fifth year. I'm not sure if it's just a general arts degree he gets if he does the fourth year and goes on to law school. But to get into this urban design field he talks about, he was going to have to complete his masters. Now it sounds like he's not even considering that as an option anymore."
"He could always go back and do his fifth year or his graduate studies if he decided law school wasn't for him," Cragen suggested.
Olivia made a sound but didn't offer any comment.
"You have to let him live his own life and make his own choices and mistakes, Olivia," he provided.
She gave him a small nod and a little shrug. "It's just hard. He's one a architecture isn't worthwhile and it isn't helping people kick. He thinks he'd be able to 'make a difference' with law."
Cragen gave her a thin smile. "That likely says something about the kinds of adults he has around him. He's emulating what he sees. You've had him pretty surrounded by cops and lawyers."
"And I don't particularly want either of my sons to be a cop or a lawyer," she said. "Benji's five and I already spend too much time praying that his firefighter thing is a phase and not a career choice."
"And you're mother probably didn't want you to be in the NYPD either," Cragen put flatly.
"She didn't," Olivia agreed with a snort.
"And how'd that turn out?"
She allowed a louder laugh and shook her head. They both knew how that turned out. For better or worse – here she was.
"So what's that tell you?" Cragen asked.
"Maybe that it is every mother's duty to try to convince their child to do something productive with their lives," she said drily.
"I think you've lead a productive life," Cragen said, "whether your mother approved of your career choice or not."
She gave him a thin smile for that effort. "I just hope that he gives his program a chance. They're just starting to get to stream into their area of interest this year. I hope he starts to see the opportunities and the career choices and what he'll really be able to do with his degree. Maybe get an internship with a non-profit or something this summer to get exposed to that area of it … before he jumps head first in a completely different direction that might be an even worse fit."
Cragen watched her for a moment. "He needs to make his own choices," he said flatly and they paused, looking at each other for some time. "He's got lots of people in his life to support him and guide him whatever choice he makes."
"It'd be nice if they all kept nudging him toward architecture and urban design," Olivia put back to him. But she knew that was hard.
Cragen was right in a way. Her boys were surrounded by boys. They were surrounded by lawyers. The strong, dominant people in their lives – men and women – were all in those fields. Her, Alex, Brian, Cragen, even Nick's presence. It was almost unavoidable that both the boys would take notice, ask questions and consider those career choices at some point in their lives.
She supposed she'd hoped that Jack was grown up enough and established enough in his own personality and interests that those sorts of considerations weren't something she'd have to deal with. But given his trauma as a teenager and his experience with the legal system – and its failures – his observations of her and her work and Alex and her work and everyone around him and who they were and what they did – the questions had started and they'd only grown since his adoption had gone through.
He wanted to help kids like him. He wanted to make things better for them. He didn't want them to have to deal with what he went through. He wanted them to have a place and to be safe too. That wasn't something that architecture was going to do. That's something that Mom and Aunt Alex did. That's something that Brian and Captain Cragen did. That's something they had the power to do – in Jack's option.
Olivia wasn't sure she really agreed with him on any of those fronts. She wasn't sure how effective any of them were at their jobs. How many people they were ever able to truly save or help. How effective the justice system ever was. If they played a meaningful role in any of it or they were just more pawns in it all. And, she really didn't agree that he wouldn't be able to help kids and give them a place with his architecture degree. Maybe not with an architecture degree but if he continued to pursue his urban design ambitions and positioned himself carefully – if he kept exploring opportunities with non-profits and educating himself on public policy and navigating the bureaucracy – she thought he might be able to help more people than he really had the capabilities to understand at that point.
But Cragen just gave her a thin smile and looked back to his meal again for a moment. "And they took you up top too?" he asked, trying to shift her away from dwelling on her son's future – and choices that weren't hers to make – and to focus on the nice day she'd had with him.
She nodded and allowed herself to give him a bigger smile. "Yep. We were up on a few of the different floors. But the tour ended with us getting to go up to the Top of the Rock. That was a little touristy but Jack was amazed. He hadn't been had a chance to get the aerial view of the city yet."
Cragen looked up at her from his meal. "Really?"
She nodded again. "First time," she said. "I hadn't realized either. I figured with his schoolwork or his own interest he would've been up some vantage point by now. But he's been up a few of the various office towers and skyscrapers for different class visits but this was the first touristy, city landmark he's been up."
Cragen still looked surprised. So she just continued. She thought she might be more excited about getting to watch Jack's reaction than her son was about the site. But he'd been pretty excited about the site. If anything, Olivia thought watching her son had been proof of just how much he should finish what he'd started with his architecture pursuit and not go dabbling too far into law.
Jack had been near giddy while they were waiting for the various elevators and escalators. He'd spent along time in the little museum section before they started their decent. He'd made them all sit through the introductory movie. And, there was clear nervous anticipation in him as they opened the glass doors and got out on the viewing platform.
"He was pretty gob smacked," Olivia provided. "We were up there for quite a while. We actually got to see the sunset and all the city light up. I think it even managed to impress Brian."
Cragen let out a small laugh and gave a little smile at that.
"Getting to see the Empire State Building – all lit up for Christmas - and the Chrysler Building from up there was pretty spectacular too. Jack was blabbering. And the bridges. He was very excited to spot and count out the bridges."
"And Benjamin co-operated?" Cragen clarified again.
Olivia shrugged. "He did really well for a little boy. Having Brian there to help made it easier. He did most of the Benji wrangling so I could stay with Jack and so he could enjoy it as long as they wanted. They had a sitting area inside with some coloring and Lego and blocks. So they went in there when he got cold and the whining really started. Jack was happy to stay out there until he was really shivering and I was starting to get concerned we were going to miss our sitting at the restaurant."
Cragen laughed again at that. "At least you got a meal to warm you up after that."
"We did. Really nice meal. We all got the soup to warm up. And Jack spotted peppermint hot chocolate on the menu about as soon as it was handed to him."
Cragen smiled at that and shook his head. "Next year he'll be wanting you to buy him more than a hot chocolate," he said.
Olivia sighed and rubbed at her eyebrow. "I know. It's crazy. How'd I end up with a 20-year-old son?"
He gave her a thin smile. "The right way. For you."
She nodded. "He wanted to go in the Lego Store when we were leaving. So that was a good reminder that he's not quite as grown-up as he thinks."
Cragen gave her a small laugh and a genuine smile again.
"It's becoming a bit of a tradition," she said after reflecting for a moment. "We ended up in there after looking at the tree last year too."
"They making sure Santa knows their list?" Cragen suggested.
She snorted. "Maybe. But Santa had their Lego wishes covered weeks ago. Or so she thought. Ended up spotting these special edition stocking stuffer sets while we were in there. So Brian got to go stand in line while I distracted them with letting them argue over filling a 'special edition' ornament with bricks and mini figures. So the Lego store ended up clawing more money out of Santa at the last minute. The pricing of that stuff is just ridiculous."
Cragen gave her a small smile. "Santa's bringing Lego?" There seemed to be some concern and a small hesitation to his voice. She considered it a moment.
"Benji asked for another fire truck set and I got Jack a small set to put out too. He enjoys it too."
"One of the architecture sets?" Cragen inquired.
She eyed him again and gave her head a small shake. "No," she allowed. "It's a car set this year. Santa brought him one of the architecture sets last year."
"Didn't like it?"
She gave him a little sigh. "Captain, you really don't need to buy them anything. They're excited that they get to see you tonight. That's gift enough."
He gave a small shrug at that. "The Rockefeller Center set?" he asked instead of commenting on her statement.
"It was the Empire State Building," she provided softly.
He gave a little nod. "And not a great set?"
She rubbed her eyebrow. "He seemed to enjoy it. He has it on display in his dorm room."
He nodded again and looked back to his meal.
"Don, you really don't need to feel like you have to buy them gifts," she stressed gently again.
"I brought a gift to Benjamin's party," Cragen provided flatly and then put food in his mouth, so as to end that conversation.
Olivia wasn't about to let it end that easily. "It's not a party," she said.
"It's his birthday," Cragen put back to her when he swallowed.
"And he's very happy to have you and Eileen and Alex joining us for cake tonight. You only need to bring yourselves."
"A little late for that now," Cragen said and gave her serious eyes. She wasn't winning – and he wasn't going to return an already purchased gift or treat her older boy any differently than he had her younger son.
She let out a small sigh. "Well, I hope that's all you're bringing."
"It is Christmas," he put back to her.
She eyed him. "Not yet."
"I think we can be flexible on those two days," he said.
She let out a quiet noise again. Her boys were getting spoiled that Christmas. It was abundantly clear that they'd accumulated people around them who cared about her family and her boys. Who wanted to help her – both with the expense of the boys and the holidays – and in ensuring they had a nice day. Not just Christmas Day but as many nice days as possible. Her boys were going to have more presents under the tree that year – that much was clear. It wasn't just her who was buying for them. Alex was, Brian was, now apparently Cragen was, and Brian had said something that had indicated that his mother would be bringing over 'something small' for the boys when she joined them for Christmas dinner. Nick had told her that Zara had picked out something for Benji too.
She didn't want the boys to be overwhelmed. She knew how Benji was with too many gifts. And even though Jack got a bit more excited about receiving presents she also had seen the guilt and the insecurity in him – like he was somehow unworthy – when he was allowed to open them. So she was trying to keep the number of gifts and the expense of them to a minimum. She'd tried to stress to everyone exactly how she felt about that. She'd put most of her emphasis on telling Brian and Alex that she didn't want them to go crazy. That if they insisted on getting the boys something that she'd really appreciate if it was only one gift and that it wasn't extravagant and that it was somewhat practical. She thought – hoped – they'd been listening to her. Though they'd both also handed her items for the boys' stockings, which she thought was their way of trying to get around her imposed rules.
Olivia hadn't thought that she needed to have a chat with Cragen too about Christmas. Or about Jack's birthday. She supposed she should've known. His gift to Benji at his birthday had been the run-away winner of the season. He'd likely set the bar pretty high for him to ever try to match that level of excitement. And, he really shouldn't feel like he had to. Not at other birthdays and not at Christmas. But apparently it was too late for that now.
"Well, you aren't going to see them on Christmas," Olivia provided.
It was the only counter she could think of at the time in an attempt to get him to feel less like he had to be spending his money on her children. To try to get him to see that him spending time with them was enough. It was a gift for them and it was a gift to her. And she so appreciated it. He didn't need to do anything more than that.
But her wording choice had been wrong – and his face fell.
"More reason to bring their gifts over tonight," he said and looked back to his meal yet again.
Olivia sighed inwardly. "We all understand why you won't be over on Christmas Day, Captain," she said. "And, again, the boys are very excited to have you over tonight. It's still you coming over for Christmas."
He allowed a little nod and continued to chew his sandwich.
"Does it look like Christmas is shaping up to be fun for you?" she tried to change the subject. "Spending it with Eileen's grandchildren should be nice. Meeting her children?"
It seemed like a big step. Somehow. At least for Cragen. She supposed that Brian's mother would be spending part of the day with them but it didn't seem like much of a step to her. But Cragen meeting Eileen's family and spending Christmas Eve and Day with them? That seemed like a much bigger deal than having Brian's mom over for a meal.
"They're teenagers," Cragen provided flatly.
She shrugged. "So's Jack."
"Not anymore," he said.
She gave him a small smile at that. "It will be nice to get out of Manhattan for a couple days," she suggested instead.
"It sounds like it will be very busy," he said.
Olivia didn't know the details of it. Cragen kept most of his relationship with Eileen pretty close to his chest. But she'd been told enough to know that they'd be spending Christmas Eve with her son and his family before driving over to her daughter's for brunch on Christmas Day and spending part of the afternoon there. The only reason she'd been told that much was because Cragen had advised her that they would try to stop into her apartment if they had time while they traversed from wherever the son lived on Long Island to wherever the daughter lived in Nyack. He hadn't seemed particularly hopeful that the stars were going to align to allow the drop-in. But she'd understood. And, really, her boys could see Cragen almost any day of the year. They didn't need to see him on Christmas Day. The invitation had been more for his sake – or so she told herself. And, he clearly had other plans and wasn't going to be alone. And, that was the important part and she was happy for him. He and Eileen could come over for dinner and a visit with the kids another time, she'd assured him. And now they were – ahead of Christmas and for Jack's birthday. It was fine.
"I think for a lot of people being busy is part of Christmas," Olivia suggested.
"It's just not what I'm used to at Christmas," he put flatly.
She understood that. And she also understood he was likely feeling very nervous to meet her family, especially on such an 'important' day of the year. She hoped he calmed and it went well for him. She really wanted that for him. And he deserved to have a nice day. And to have this relationship work out into whatever he wanted it to be.
"Well, I hope it works out better than you expect," she offered.
He gave her a thin smile at that. "Have you made plans for your time off?" he asked, again clearly shifting topics.
She'd booked all the way from Christmas Eve until January 2 off and she didn't feel guilty about it in the least. She'd worked more holidays over the years than she could count. It'd been an insanely busy year and though the vacation in the summer had been nice – it had been just as busy, if not more so. This was the first time she'd have time off work when the boys were out of school that wasn't a weekend or an emergency. She was absolutely looking forward to just bumming around the apartment and catching up on life and enjoying the company of her kids. And that was despite Nick informing her that the week between Christmas and New Year's was an awful time to spend time with your children – apparently too crazy in his opinion. Too hyped up from Christmas and then too exhausted, over sugared and dealing with the let-down of the holidays never being quite what they were cracked up to be. Olivia thought that might be true of other kids – and though she didn't doubt that her sons would chip away at her patience, annoy her, bicker, argue, fight and whine – she still couldn't think of a better way to spend her week. It was exactly what she wanted to end out the year. The boys and her family for all they were and all they weren't. Perfectly imperfect and aggravatingly awesome.
So she just shrugged at Cragen. "I'm not sure. Just catch up on life and around the apartment. We'll likely go out and do some sort of activities but …" she just shrugged. She had no idea what. Well, she had lots of ideas – but it would really depend on how all of them were feeling. "Brian's got a few days off too," she offered instead. "But Jack's scheduled to work a couple."
Cragen nodded. "I actually wanted to talk to you a little bit about work," he said.
She let out an exasperated sigh and looked at him. "I'm not taking Fin's on-call," she said. "I already told him that. I'm sorry he can't drink on New Year's Eve – but he can get over it."
He'd already badgered her about it. She thought she'd made herself clear. She'd taken a few of his on-calls lately because of how understanding he'd been over the course of the year. But she wasn't doing New Year's. She was clear with all of them – she was taking the whole holiday period that year. She'd filed the paperwork. She put in the request well ahead of time. She had the seniority. She was sorry it sucked for them or if they felt it was greedy – but she'd worked through the holidays last year and picked up on-calls. She'd worked every holiday for everyone for years. She was taking this one – and next year, they could talk about it and work it out and she wouldn't take the whole week then. But this year she was. End of story. And, she was a little pissed that Fin had seen fit to take the issue back to the captain.
"Not about that," he said and looked at her.
"Oh," she said and eyed him.
"I wanted to make sure you knew I hit mandatory in February," he said.
She gaped at him at that. She was sure her jaw had dropped. She didn't know that. She had thought they had another year with him – maybe two. She thought Cragen would decide when he left. That he'd retire on his own terms – not that his birthday would force him out.
"Mandatory?" she finally managed.
He gave a small nod and those sympathetic eyes.
"So you're leaving in February?"
"That tends to be how it works," he said. They eyed each other for another long moment. "Depending on how things are going in the New Year, I might leave sooner."
"Sooner?" she managed to get out. She was just at a standstill as her mind processed this. She hadn't spent much time planning what her job would look like when Cragen was gone. She didn't think she had to yet. She thought she had more time. More time to get her family settled. To settle into her role as a lieutenant – those new duties and responsibilities, how it changed her job. More time to figure out if this was a job she could do while she raised her family. If she even wanted to. She thought she had more time.
He gave her a small shrug. "Depending on how things are going," he said again. "Maybe the end of January."
Olivia just stared at him in disbelief. "January?"
"Eileen has a cruise booked," he said quietly. "I'd like to go too. They pay me more to be gone than to stay."
Olivia let out a sound and put down her fork, running her hand through her hair. She didn't know how to react. She knew she should congratulate him. That she should be happy for him on some level. But she felt like she'd just been hit by a truck. It felt like this changed everything.
"Nothing changes, expect that has to, Olivia," Cragen said as though he'd just read her mind.
She gazed at him. "So what happens?" she asked.
He let out a slow breath and gave a small shrug. "I'll recommend that you be placed as Acting Commanding Officer. Assuming everything goes well – and it's what you want – it should be made official within a few months."
"So I command the squad?" she clarified.
"If that's what you want," he said again.
"I'm behind a desk?"
"You can shape your command to look the way you see fit, Olivia," Cragen said. "But restricting yourself to the desk and the paperwork would likely help make being a C.O. suit your home life a bit better."
She rubbed at her eyebrow and gazed at her plate. She wouldn't be finishing her meal at that point. She wasn't even sure how she was going to finish that conversation.
"I didn't mean to drop this on you before the holidays," Cragen finally said. "I just wanted you to have the time to process it and prepare. And, I thought you might be able to do that better while you were away from the job."
She gave a small nod but couldn't bring herself to look up. "Thank you," she said softly. But all she could think was, 'What am I going to do? What now?'
What did she tell the boys? What did she tell Brian? What did all this mean? And what did she even want?
It wasn't supposed to happen this way.
I HAVE TWO OTHER DISCONNECTED 'CHRISTMAS' CHAPTERS FROM THE WELCOME HOME TIMELINE THAT COULD BE POSTED NOW OR COULD JUST BE HELD UNTIL THE STORY CATCHES UP AND THEY CAN BE INSERTED AS CHAPTERS.