Thranduil's Eyebrows
Disclaimer: I don't own The Hobbit or any of its characters.
Dedication: This was written for Arawn who, like me, thinks that Thranduil's eyebrows could use a trim.
The elven halls of Mirkwood were silent. The hour was late, about an hour until midnight. There were a few elven guards keeping watch, patrolling the corridors to make sure all was well on this warm summer night within the elven king's ancient dwelling. But despite the guards' keen eyesight and constant vigilance there was atleast one person within Thranduil's palace that should not have been wandering about. One of them was the hobbit Bilbo Baggins who had managed to avoid detection by use of his magic ring. The other was a dwarf by the name of Kili.
After releasing him from his cell, Tauriel had taken the dwarf by the hand and lead him downstairs towards the kitchens. Kili had been complaining about being hungry and sweet talked his way into being let out of his cell by telling Tauriel that he wanted to share a late night snack with her in the moonlight.
"There are only two types of food that I desire," Kili told her. "One of them will be for stopping the hollow rumble in my empty belly. The other is for stopping the ache within my lonely heart."
Tauriel's eyes widened when he told her this and she looked at him with a mixture of surprise and curiosity on her fair skinned face.
Kili walked over to the cell door and gripped the prison bars in his hands. Looking her straight in the eye he softly said, "I could feast upon your beauty for a thousand years. Please, let me out of here so that I may enjoy a meal with you in private outside these elven halls, somewhere where the moon can shine upon your face so that I may see you more clearly."
"Or," she began, blushing slightly, "I could simply bring you some food that we could share here."
"That's not very romantic though, is it?" Kili asked. "Me imprisoned in here in this cell with you outside, so close and yet I am unable to touch you unless you moved a bit closer. I want to be beside you with no bars or walls separating us. Just for a moment. Is that too much to ask?"
Tauriel pondered his request and decided that no, it wan't too much to ask. She released him from his prison cell, took him by the hand, and lead him down into the kitchens to gather some food before taking him out onto one of the palace balconies overlooking Mirkwood where they could enjoy their meal together in undisturbed peace.
Once they were in the kitchens, Tauriel picked out a small loaf of rye bread, some celery, a few peaches, and a jar of applebutter preserves for the bread. She neatly packed all of this into a woven basket, their midnight snack now looking more like a picnic, then lead Kili back upstairs towards the balcony.
The elf and dwarf had to move quickly and quietly in order to avoid detection. This was easy for Tauriel , her steps light and silent, like a moth walking on a windowsill. Kili, on the other hand, was slow and clumsy. He clomped along behind her, trying his best to keep up and remain silent at the same time. But it wasn't easy for a mountain dwelling dwarf who was used to big footing it all over the hillside to sneak along quietly.
Eventually they made it out onto one of the balconies. Below them the vast forest of Mirkwood spread across the land as far as the eye could see. Above them the sky glittered with millions of shining stars. A silver crescent moon, now waxing towards full, illuminated the tops of the tall Mirkwood trees.
"This is wonderful," said Kili, smiling happily as he walked out onto the balcony. "Thank you for bringing me out here."
Tauriel smiled pleasantly back at him, her eyes shining in the gentle light of the moon and stars.
They began their late night meal together, eating and discussing various things as the moon rose higher in the sky.
Kili ate three peaches and polished off several slices of bread slathered with applebutter as he leaned back against the banister looking up at the stars. He was grateful for the food as well as for the opportunity to spend some time alone with Tauriel on this warm evening. The only thing that would have made this night better is if Tauriel had packed some meat in their basket. Kili enjoyed the fruit and bread but he wouldn't touch the celery.
Sometime after midnight Kili leaned over the balcony, peering into the darkness as movement caught his eye from far below. He could see a band of white light spilling out onto the ground as four figures walked out into the night.
"What's going on down there?" he asked.
Tauriel looked down and saw Thranduil engaged in conversation with three other elves.
"That is our king, Thranduil," she said. "He sometimes holds meetings with members of my kin to discuss the goings on in his kingdom."
"Does he usually hold meetings this late at night?"
"No, not unless there is a matter of great importance to discuss. He probably called a meeting to discuss you and your kin in our prison cells."
Kili frowned slightly and took a bite out of his fourth peach. He didn't like the look of this. Had his uncle caused a stir down in his cell that had upset the elven king? Or had Thorin finally given in and told Thranduil about their quest to reclaim their lost gold from the dragon Smaug? The former was more likely than the latter, but either one would spell trouble for the dwarves.
The young dwarf pondered these thoughts as he munched on his peach and watched the scene below. He then bit down on something hard and realized that he'd forgotten to pick the pit out of the peach before eating it like he had done with the other three peaches he'd consumed that evening.
Not thinking about what he was doing, Kili spat the pit out over the edge of the balcony just as Tauriel had her back turned getting a slice of bread out of the basket.
There was a gasp and a sudden cry from down below, and Kili ducked down behind the banister.
When Tauriel turned back around she saw Kili with his belly almost flat on the ground as he hid behind the banister.
"Kili, whatever is the matter?" she asked him.
Kili's eyes were wide as he peered up at her in the darkness. In the moonlight he looked very much like a wide-eyed and frightened little owl desperately seeking the shelter of a tree to hide in.
"I spit the peach pit over the banister and it landed in one of the elf's hair!" he whispered frantically.
"Kili! What were you thinking?" she harshly whispered back. She spun around and gazed over the banister only to see with her keen elven eyesight that the peach pit in question had landed in Thranduil's silvery blond hair. And to make matters worse there was also a bit of peach clinging to the elven king's right eyebrow.
"Kili, you didn't..." she moaned.
"What?" Kili said. "What happened?" He peeked over the banister and saw Thranduil wearing the bit of fruit like a Christmas ornament. "That's Thranduil?" he asked.
"Yes, Kili," Tauriel replied. "That is him. That's our king you just spat on."
Kili raised his head a little more above the banister. "Well no wonder the fruit landed in his eyebrow. The man has eyebrows big enough to stop a stampeding herd of oliphaunts."
"Kili!" she angriliy hissed at him.
At that moment Thranduil turned around and looked up at the balcony Kili and Tauriel were on. His sensitive hearing had detected something from up above.
Tauriel grabbed Kili by the hand. "Come one! We must leave here at once before the king catches you and skins you alive for what you've done!"
.oOo.
A few days later Kili was still in his prison cell and was conversing with his older brother though the walls of their cells about his incident with the elven king of Mirkwood.
"I'm telling you Fili those eyebrows of his are massive! I didn't mean to spit the fruit into his eyebrow, but it was like firing an arrow at a forty foot target painted on the side of a barn. There was no way to miss."
Fili sighed and rolled his eys. "You're just lucky you weren't caught. I don't suppose Thranduil would be pleased if he caught a dwarf launching projectile fruit wads at him from the balcony."
"Uncle Thorin thought it was hilarious, though. When I had Bofur pass the message along to him he was practically rolling on the floor of his cell with laughter."
"Did the she-elf really say that Thranduil would have you killed for spitting a piece of fruit in his eyebrow?" Bofur asked, joining in the conversation from his cell next to the two brothers.
"Something along those lines, yes," Kili replied from his cell. "She said that he'd skin me alive."
"Skin you alive?" Fili echoed, sounding outraged.
"Thorin says Thranduil would probably see it as 'defiling his sacred elven eyebrows with dwarf saliva,'" said Bofur, relaying a message from Thorin that their king had just given him.
"Sacred elven eyebrows indeed," Fili muttered.
"All I know is that he's lucky it wasn't the peach pit itself that landed in his eyebrow," said Kili. "His eyebrows are so enormous that he could grow an entire tree in there if the peach pit sprouted."
Bofur passed along what Kili had just said to Thorin. A few seconds later there was a muffled 'whump!' as Thorin hit the floor, his fall softened by the heavy coat he was wearing.
"Well, lets all look on the bright side," said Kili as his uncle's laughter drifted up from a cell further down at the other end of the room. "If Smaug attacks us we can just run and all take shelter in Thranduil's eyebrows!"
Thorin, Bofur and Kili all laughed, but Fili didn't find any of it humorous. He was angry at the thought of Thranduil sentencing his brother to death for such a trivial matter.
"Defiling his sacred elven eyebrows," Fili grumbled. "Oh no, we mustn't soil the king's precious eyebrows! If we ever get out of here, I'll show Thranduil how one really defiles his sacred elven eyebrows."
Later that night while the dwarves were asleep in their cells, Bilbo Baggins came creeping along down the passage to the prison cells carrying with him a large ring of keys. It had taken him awhile to find the keys to the prison cells and formulate a plan to help his friends escape. Now tonight it was fianlly time for them to escape their Mirkwood prison.
One by one Bilbo released the dwarves and lead them down to the empty barrels in the wine cellar. Along the way he paused briefly to warn the dwarves to be especially quiet as they were now passing by the entrance to Thranduil's private bedchamber.
"Thranduil's bedchamber?" questioned Oin. "How do you know for certain that that's where the elven king sleeps?"
"I've been wandering these halls for days," Bilbo whispered. "It's given me a pretty good idea where certain things are located."
No one noticed the mischievous glint in Fili's eys as he listened to Bilbo and Oin's hushed conversation. This was the chance he had been waiting for.
Fili pushed his way to the front of the line, put a hand on Bilbo's shoulder, and steered the hobbit away from the rest of the group.
Thorin gave his eldest nephew a confused look as the blond prince held a whispered coversation with Bilbo several feet away from the others. What was Fili planning now? Didn't he realize that they needed to escape as quickly as possible before anyone noticed the large group of dwarves walking the halls of the elf king's palace?
"Master Baggins," Fili whispered. "have you still got your sword with you?"
Bilbo blinked in surprise. "Um yes. Yes, I have it right here." He reached around and put his hand on the sheath attaced to his belt that contained Sting. "Why do you ask?"
"I need to borrow it," Fili said simply. "Our weapons were confiscated by the elves when we were captured. I need a sword."
"But why?"
Fili did not bother to give the bewildered hobbit an explanation. There wasn't much time and he had to act quickly. He snatched the sword out of its sheath and marched towards Thranduil's bedchamber.
"Fili!" came Kili's anxious voice in a loud, panicked whisper from the back of the group.
Thorin immediately ran forward and seized hold of his golden haired nephew by the arm.
"What are you doing?" he questioned in a harsh growl. "This isn't the time for your childish games. We have to get going!"
But Fili would not let his uncle deter him from his mission. The bold light of determination was shining fiercely in his bright blue eyes as he jerked his arm out of his uncle's grasp.
"No," said Fili. "This is my quest, if you will. And I must see it through to the end!"
"Fili, stop this at once!" Thorin commanded, reaching for his nephew and grasping only thin air as the young dwarf ducked inside Thranduil's bedchamber.
Quick as a mouse Fili scurried across the floor using the moonlight streaming in through the windows to see where he was going. Being a dwarf meant that Fili was used to navigating through darkened caves and passageways underground and had no trouble finding his way to Thranduil's bed where the elven king of Mirkwood lay sleeping soundly under blankets made from rich white silk.
Fili approached the elven king's bed, Bilbo's sword grasped tightly in his right hand.
"Skin my little brother alive for defiling your sacred elven eyebrows, eh?" Fili murmured under his breath. He raised Bilbo's sword above the elven king's head. "Well, we'll just see about that!"
.oOo.
The sun rose over Mirkwood the following morning, bathing the vast forest in its radiant golden light. Birds were stirring in their nests as the sunlight warmed the earth and the elves of Mirkwood were just beginning to rise as the day dawned anew.
When the elven guards awoke and went to check on their prisoners they were surprised to see that the thirteen dwarves they had captured had gone missing. Being captain of the guards, Tauriel was the first to notice that the dwarves had gone and raised the alarm, though by now Thorin and company were long gone down the river and into Lake Town.
Once Tauriel raised the alarm and word got out that the dwarves had somehow escaped, it was Legolas who brought news of the escape to his father.
Legolas flung open the door to his father's bedchamber where th elven king was still sound asleep, wrapped in his silken sheets and snoring softly.
"Father!" Legolad called out, startling his father awake.
Thranduil sat bolt upright in bed, his cold, cruel eyes wide as he gazed across the room at his son.
"Father, the dwarves! They have esc..." Legolas' words trailed off in mid-sentence. He narrowed his eyes and took a step towards his father. Something about Thranduil's appearance didn't seem quite right.
"They've what?" Thranduil demanded, angry at being rudely awoken. "The dwarves have what? Tell me, Legolas!"
Legolas did not speak. He walked closer towards his father's bed, his head slightly cocked to the side as he stared at his father.
And then he saw it. Legolas realized what was wrong.
"Father..." he said at length. "I think you may want to have a look at yourself in the mirror."
Furious, Thranduil flung the blankets off and stomped into the short corridor that connected his bedchamber to the washroom.
Legolas winced as the sound of his father screaming reached his ears. Seconds later Thranduil came running out of the washroom, a look of absolute horror and outrage plastered across his elvish face.
"My eyebrows!" the elf king cried. "My beautiful eyebrows are gone! Who is responsible for this, Legolas? Who did this to me?"
But Legolas could not answer his father's question except to say that he did not know. No one in Mirkwood had the slightest clue as to what had taken place in Thranduil's bedchamber during the night. They didn't know that Fili, Son of Dis from the line of Durin, had shaved off Thranduil's eyebrows with Bilbo's sword while the elven king slept.