"Feeling used but I'm still missing you and I can't see the end of this just wanna feel your kiss against my lips and now all this time is passing by but I still can't seem to tell you why it hurts me every time I see you realise how much I need you" ('hate you love you' 2015, on Soundcloud, Written and performed by Olivia O'Brien)
He would never tire of her visits to the Dancing Dove, and his favourite visits would always be those without Cousins Jonny or Gary present. He had fallen for Alanna and it had surprised him just how much so. Before the kiss at Midwinter he had been able to distract his feelings with other women. However since that kiss, that stolen kiss, he had not been able to stop thinking about her lips. Her lips! How soft and plump they had felt despite her being half frozen in the cold. He knew he shouldn't have taken advantage of her then but he could never bring himself to regret it. Still, he had respected her wishes since and never once brought up discussions of love with her. He was content to wait from afar. He would wait as long as required; as long as it took for Alanna to feel the same. All he could hope and wish for was that it would be soon and that he wouldn't have to watch her fall for others along the way.
"I hate you I love you. I hate that I love you. Don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you. I hate you I love you. I hate that I want you. You want her, you need her, and I'll never be her" ('hate you love you' 2015, on Soundcloud, Written and performed by Olivia O'Brien)
Once more Alanna returned to her room late and alone. She had taken to hiding in the palace gardens as late as she could stay awake after any official function. She couldn't bare to stand hearing Jon return to his quarters with another female companion. She knew that it would be strange if he were to stop flirting with the ladies at functions – people would start to ask questions, after all it was a known part of his personality. She understood that, and yet it hurt. It hurt because she knew that he did not have to bed them. She could understand the flirting but the bedding of them afterwards is what stung most. It stung because it made her think that she wasn't good enough, and that she would never be good enough for him. He had said he loved her, but if he truly loved her would he not find a way to stay faithful to her without raising suspicion? It was all too confusing for Alanna and it gave her headaches thinking about it. She grimaced as she heard giggles erupt from the bedchamber next door. She would just have to accept that she never would be good enough for the prince. She could never be the type of girl he needed, or clearly wanted. With that sour thought in mind, she climbed into bed, pulling her pillow over her head so that she wouldn't have to hear any more from next door.
"I miss you when I can't sleep or right after coffee or right when I can't eat. I miss you in my front seat. Still got sand in my sweaters from nights we don't remember. Do you miss me like I miss you?" ('hate you love you' 2015, on Soundcloud, Written and performed by Olivia O'Brien)
Jonathon remained unmoved from his position by his window. The position afforded him a view of the city, and more importantly of the road leading from Corus to the palace. He remained, waiting in vain for a glimpse of a certain red headed knight. He was sure that she would appear, on Moonlight and with Coram in tow, any minute. This is what he had been telling himself for three days now. He had not moved, save for a slight reposition for comfort, in three days. His chin was covered in stubble, dark bags circled his eyes, and his travel bags lay half unpacked at the foot of his bed, where he had dumped them on his arrival three days ago. The stewards had tried in vain to get him to eat more than a scrap of bread here and there. Gary had come in and attempted to convince him to bathe and change but again to no avail. He remained in his dusty desert breeches and boots, a small collection of sand gathering at the base of the window from each time he shifted or moved. A small reminder of where he had been, and of what had transpired between him and his lover only a few short days ago.
"Fucked around and got attached to you. Friends can break your heart too, and I'm always tired but never of you." ('hate you love you' 2015, on Soundcloud, Written and performed by Olivia O'Brien)
George groaned as he fell back against his mattress in Port Caynn. The local thieves had required the presence of their Rogue and their immaturity was starting to tire and bore him. Still, it was good to get out of the city and away from the constant reminder of his competition. He couldn't help feeling as though that was what Jon was. He knew Alanna had no feelings for him and yet he continued to hold out hope. For five long years he had held out for her. He was sure that they were meant to be together, and as such, his mind would wander to thoughts of her whenever he had a spare second to do so. It was completely and utterly out of his control. He loved her, despite her never showing any signs of reciprocation. He loved her tenacity, her spirit, her character. He loved her essence and everything that made her who she was. He could forgive her shortcomings for falling for the prince. After all, if he were a young lass he was sure that he'd fall for any prince too. Still that thought did nothing to soothe his wounded heart. Curious, he thought, how you could mourn the feeling of lost love, even though the other were still alive. Even though their love was not lost, and was never yours to begin with.
"If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit. I put this reel out but you wouldn't bite that shit." ('hate you love you' 2015, on Soundcloud, Written and performed by Olivia O'Brien)
Alanna threw the pillow across her tent before collapsing to the ground, weeping into her hands. Jon infuriated her to no end. She had never met a more infuriating man in her life. She was confused as to why he had to go and ruin what they had by asking such a simple question. Had the roles been reversed and had she asked him she knew he would've baulked as well. Had she been the one to give the ultimatum and to leave him behind angry and distraught, she would not hear the end of it. He would not allow her to act so selfishly without him. Yet he did it. He did it and he asked her and he ruined everything. She was convinced of that. He had forced her hand and she had to take the only ounce of freedom that he offered. No matter how much it broke her heart to do so.
"I got these feelings but you never mind that shit. Oh oh, keep it on the low. You're still in love with me but your friends don't know. If you wanted me you would just say so. And if I were you, I would never let me go" ('hate you love you' 2015, on Soundcloud, Written and performed by Olivia O'Brien)
She scoffed as she finished reading Myles' letter. In it he discussed the behaviour of the Prince since their return to the palace. For the first four days he had remained by his window. Muttering something about being convinced she would return. On the fifth day Gary finally dragged him away from the window and to his first bath in almost a week. Then, thinking it would return Jon to better spirits, he organised a series of court functions and dinners, to force Jon into entertaining. What neither had expected, although what hardly surprised Alanna, Jon seemed to forget all about his broken heart and lost love, bouncing back into bedding different ladies each night. Myles and Gary put it down to Jon moving on. Alanna knew better. She knew him too well and had seen it all before when he was in love with Delia. He would try to distract himself from his true feelings, all while trying to make his love jealous. Well it may have distracted him for the time being, but it broke Alanna's heart more than she thought possible. All she wanted, all she longed for was an apology from him and a gesture of understanding. Understanding that she would not be a good queen, but that in time she might come around to the idea. Alanna blinked away her tears as she stared out at the Bloody Hawk. If Jon wanted to play that game then she wanted no part of it, no matter how much it broke her heart.
"I hate you I love you. I hate that I love you. Don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you. I hate you I love you. I hate that I want you." ('hate you love you' 2015, on Soundcloud, Written and performed by Olivia O'Brien)
Jon grimaced as he shut his door. Once again he had to let another lady know that he had no intention of actually bedding her. He played it off that he was no longer feeling well and that he wished to retire privately. He couldn't bear the thought of bedding another woman while his heart still belonged to his fiery lioness. It had been two weeks since he had returned from the Bloody Hawk and there was still no sign of her returning to him. Every day that passed without news of her wore his spirits down just that little bit more. Each night without her felt like a knock to his soul, as he lay down to an empty bed. He thought that as soon as she had refused him, that his anger would rid him of any remaining feelings he harboured for her. Alas, behind his anger was heartbreak. She was the first woman he had ever loved, and for that simple fact alone he knew that no matter the outcome, he would always love her. He would never truly get over her.
"I don't mean no harm I just miss you on my arm, wedding bells were just alarms, caution tape around my heart. You ever wonder what we could've been?" ('hate you love you' 2015, on Soundcloud, Written and performed by Olivia O'Brien)
"We could've tried you know. It might've worked."
Alanna sighed, sliding onto the bench, leaning into him when he sat next to her. "We'll never know. What I do know though is had you stayed, and had it worked out you wouldn't have the Dominion Jewel, Thayet and Buri might be dead, Mithros knows what would have happened to George by now. You leaving was the right thing to do."
"I am sorry." He whispered, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her into his embrace. "I wish I could take back what I said that day. I didn't want to hurt you. All it did was push you away and that is what hurt most of all. I loved you Alanna. I truly did, and I still do."
Alanna turned her face up to his and smiled. "I know you did Jon".
"Honestly though, do you ever wonder what we could've been? What it would've been like?"
Alanna pursed her lips choosing her words carefully. "We would've been unstoppable."
"It would've been amazing." He added.
Alanna took a deep breath, enjoying the brief silence and the solitude that came from being in Jon's arms. She knew what they were doing was dangerous, but she couldn't help but enjoy the moment, rather than stop it. Only he had ever been able to calm her soul. She loved George, she did. She loved Jon more, and she always would.
"Alanna," Jon began hesitantly. She looked up to him waiting for him to continue. "Alanna, I shouldn't be saying this, but well I feel I must. I love you."
Her heart swelled, hearing him say the words she'd longed to hear from him. "I love you too, Jon."
"No," he said exasperatedly, turning to take her hands in his, "I mean I, Jonathon of Conte, love you, Alanna of Trebond and Olau. I. Love. You." He searched her eyes for a moment, looking for the same level of passion that he was trying to convey, and on finding her eyes light up, he kissed her passionately.
"You said you wouldn't and you fucking did. Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix. Now all my feelings are fucking mixed." ('hate you love you' 2015, on Soundcloud, Written and performed by Olivia O'Brien)
Thayet sank back into the shadows, hurt and confused. She had heard Alanna was back and was walking through the gardens with Jon and had hurried to welcome her. Instead she had found them embraced. She had hung back, fearing that she was intruding; perhaps someone close to Alanna had died. As she was trying to retreat quietly she had heard the urgency in Jon's voice. Something about it made her freeze in her place.
"No," he said exasperatedly, turning to take her hands in his, "I mean I, Jonathon of Conte, love you, Alanna of Trebond and Olau. I. Love. You."
Thayet watched in disbelief as her husband confessed his love to her best friend. She continued to watch as he brought her in for a kiss, and she felt her heart break as she noticed that her friend did not push him away, no she returned the kiss. Clutching her chest, she stumbled back into the palace, blindly running back to her rooms.
She knew. She had always known. He had promised. Again and again. Yet she had always known, that would the moment arise he would break those promises. She may be the queen of Tortall but she would never be the queen of his heart. She blinked away her tears, and checked her appearance in the mirror, squaring her shoulders and adopting a calm mask that hid her inner turmoil.
"Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing. Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance. I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing but I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings. When love and trust are gone, I guess this is moving on. Everyone I do right does me wrong" ('hate you love you' 2015, on Soundcloud, Written and performed by Olivia O'Brien)
Alanna pushed Jon away, both gasping for air. "This is wrong Jon. We shouldn't be doing this. We can't do this."
Jon frowned, reaching to pull her back into his arms but she jumped up from the bench.
"Jon I'm serious. I was caught up in the moment and I lost my better judgement. I love you I do. I always have and I daresay I always will. But, you have Thayet now. We're not teenagers anymore Jon."
"Alanna – "
"No," she cut him off, "don't say anything. I wish it were different, I do. I wish we could go back in time and that you hadn't left. Or that I had chased after you, not given up. But what's done is done. You made your choice," she gestured to the palace surrounds, "and I've made mine."
Jon stood slowly, a look of sadness overcome his face. "I want you Alanna. I need you. You said you want me to choose you, well this, this is me choosing you." He stared into her eyes, again searching for his answer. She took another step backwards.
"No Jon. Thayet. Thayet was your choice and she was a good choice, she is perfect for the kingdom." Jon began to speak but again she cut him off. The only way to end this would be to hurt him she knew. "And I made my choice. George. George is the man I love now, and he is who I chose." She turned her back on him, she couldn't lie to his face. "And he is who I continue to choose."
She could feel the weight of what she said force a slump in Jon's shoulders. Hesitantly she turned, glancing at him slightly. He had returned to the bench but gone was the confident frame of the King, in its place a dishelved, broken man.
"Alanna," his voice broke as he spoke, "Alanna, please, I'm begging you don't do this."
She turned finally, refusing to look him in the eyes. "I'm sorry Jon." With tears streaming down her face she made her exit, convinced she had done what was right.
He watched her go, leaving with a part of his heart. He knew she didn't mean it. He knew she was confused and scared. He knew that he could convince her otherwise but it would take time. He knew that tomorrow would be another chance. He knew, but it still hurt.
"All alone I watch you watch her, like she's the only girl you've ever seen. You don't care you never did. You don't give a damn about me."('hate you love you' 2015, on Soundcloud, Written and performed by Olivia O'Brien)
Alanna silently watched Jon and Thayet interact at the ball. There was no change in their behaviour; it looked as if they were still the same love-struck young adults that they had been those few short years ago. She felt a familiar pain in her heart, the same stinging sensation she had felt every time she had had to endure watching him flirt and bed ladies when he was her knightmaster.
She felt a squeeze on her leg and turned to look at George. He smiled, a question playing in his eyes. He could tell something was wrong, he could read the pain in her eyes. He just wished she would open up and let him in. He gently grabbed her hand, bringing to his mouth and planting a soft kiss on it.
George Cooper. The man was handsome, and he loved her dearly. He provided her with everything she had ever wanted and needed. He wasn't over bearing, he never crowded her, and he understood her need for adventure and the freedom required to allow it. It broke her heart that she would never truly be able to return his love to the same measures by which he gave it.
She returned her gaze back to the monarchs. Jon met her eyes for the briefest of moments before returning his attention back to his wife. Alanna glanced at Thayet and was embarrassed to find Thayet was already watching her. She gave Alanna the slightest of nods, no smile, and no warmth, before turning her gaze elsewhere. She knew. In that smallest moment Alanna knew that Thayet knew. She turned her attention to her goblet, downing the remnants before excusing herself, muttering her need to relieve herself.
"How is it you never notice, that you are slowly killing me."('hate you love you' 2015, on Soundcloud, Written and performed by Olivia O'Brien)
George watched her leave with a heavy heart. She was off. Something was wrong but for whatever reason she had decided not to let him in. This was at it always had been between them. When he struggled, she was always there for him without fail. When she struggled, she would suffer in silence. He knew, no matter how much it hurt to accept, that he would never fill the void left from Jon. He had accepted that the day she turned up at his door.
Acceptance didn't lessen the pain that accompanied that. The pain and the fear that he would never be enough for her. That at any time she might walk away from him, choosing another as simply as she had chosen him all those years ago.
George Cooper wasn't the only man to notice her leave the hall. A pair of now dim, exhausted blue eyes watched her exit, noticing the missing bounce in her step, and the weary way with which she now walked.
"I hate you I love you. I hate that I love you. Don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you"('hate you love you' 2015, on Soundcloud, Written and performed by Olivia O'Brien)
Following the dinner Jon had looked everywhere for Alanna. He knew by now that Thayet knew he was acting different but he no longer cared. He wanted Alanna. He needed Alanna. She was nowhere to be found.
He found out a few days later that she had taken her leave from the palace, returning to her home on the coast. He had also discovered, through the same sources, that George remained at the palace, and appeared as perplexed as him at her sudden departure. Taking his risks he penned her letters, pleading with her to return, informing her that he was preparing to tell Thayet, preparing to end his marriage. In these letters he stated that he knew his actions might not be enough, but that if she ever were to decide to pursue their former flame, he would be waiting. Forever waiting he feared, but he knew it kinder to Thayet to end things, than to leave her trapped in a loveless marriage. Of course it wasn't loveless, he did love her. But not the way she loved him, and not the way she deserved. He told Alanna all of this in his letters, in the letters that were sent, with no knowledge on his part on whether or not she would read them.
Day by day past, and day by day no letters came in return. His hope continued to dwindle, until he felt that only a shell was left of him.
"I hate you I love you. I hate that I love you. Don't want to, but I can't put nobody else above you. I hate you I love you. I hate that I want you. You want her, you need her, and I'll never be her" ('hate you love you' 2015, on Soundcloud, Written and performed by Olivia O'Brien)
She penned her letter carefully. It was a simple letter, but it carried the pain of two failing relationships, and years of regret. It was her goodbye to Jon. She had decided that it had got too dangerous between them. It was time to put an end to it.
She put the page aside and reached for the other envelope. Inside was her letter to her husband, George. This letter, perhaps less delicate and more to the point. She loved him, but she was lying to both of them if she stayed, for she was convinced that apart they would both achieve greater happiness than if they stayed together. She couldn't stand to hurt him any longer.
She brushed away her tears as she folded both letters into their respective envelopes. It broke her heart to watch Jon be with Thayet, but she knew that he was the king and so nothing could change. She couldn't stand to watch herself break George's heart anymore. She knew she was hurting everyone in the process, but she knew that they would understand, and that in time, they would come to understand. She placed George's letter on his desk; she would entrust Jon's to Coram. He would see to it that it reached the prince with privacy intact.
With one last look around the room she grabbed her packs and made her way to the stables. She was leaving the country.
She never did receive the letters Jon sent her.