NathanOfTruth Presents: HARRY POTTER AND THE SHIELD OF FACTS
A/N: This isn't your typical HARRY POTTER story. If you're a fan of hiding and crying by yourself, turn away, but if you want to be enlightened, read on. I'm always willing to talk it out in the comments.
This novella is a reimagining of HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHONEIX, written by JK Rowling in 2003, published by Scholastic. This was my favorite of the HARRY POTTER series, though in truth I had many problems with it. In this piece, I believe you will find a much better version of the plotline, as it is filled to the brim (or cauldron?) with TRUTH and FACTS.
Chapter One: "Dudley Demented"
It was a new year in England, and the sun shone above the world, casting a hue of brilliant light that made the world cold. Harry wandered through the street near his home and abode at the Dursley's cursing his lot in his life, wishing he could be away from their foolish lives.
In his hands he held an issue of the Daily Prophet, a wizarding magazine that made his blood boil for the lack of truthful information in it.
"Typical liberal media.. definitely FAKE NEWS!" Harry thinks, as he picked up his wand. He burned the magazine.
Up ahead he saw Dudley, a bloated whale that was probably on Twitter crying about how no one loved him to his friends. Harry has an idea.
Harry had conceved a new spell in his solitude at the abode of the Dursley's home, something he did in his spare time between spreading truth to others. His methods were too slow to reach the multitude of unfortunate simpletons who couldn't see the light, so he in his own personal time devises a scheme to create a new spell in his alone time, a spell that is a variant on the Expecto Patronus spell, a spell that shoots an essence of your soul out. This spell was similar as Harry thought to himself, thinking how smart it was to create a spell that shoots the very mind out at an opponent, and Dudley was the perfect opponent to use the spell on and practices it on them. Harry pointed his wand at Dudley and screams.
"EXPECTO TRUTHONUS!"
A beam of white hot facts blasted out of Harry's wand, much like a blast from his member when he was really feeling it. Dudley was hit right between his eyeballs, which were inside of his skull. His brain was hit immediately, but he couldn't take the truth, and he passed out due to his feeble mind, which was most certainly in a place that was for being a fool like in the lamestream media.
Harry chuckled to himself, his shoes on the gravel crunching with each great step. Dudley was knocked out. Knocked out cold.
But he knew that wouldn't be the end of his adventures on this day. Magic was forbidden outside of Hogwarts, and to him it might has well have been the opposite be true, as the evil and sinister and villainous Lord Voldemort was hot on his trail, looking to find him and kill him like he did to Harry's friend Cedric Diggory.
A/N: If the reception to this story is satisfactory, I may tackle the other HARRY POTTER stories, and my next one would definitely be HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE, which was another entry in the series written by JK Rowling. This one, HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX, is more pressing and pertinent to me currently.
Cedric died like a fool due to the killing curse, and Harry knew that. But he got away with using magic then. This time, however, Harry knows is different. The Ministry of Magic, fools and pawns for the liberal media, had cucked themselves into using Voldemort's Dementors to ensure there acts would be accomplished. Therefore, Harry wasn't at all surprised when a Dementor showed there face.
Harry quickly dispatched of the Dementor with an Expecto Patronus, but knew this wasn't over. Harry saw a figure behind him. He couldn't make out what or who it was but he could see for sure it was another hooded figure. A dark figure.
Harry ran. Far. And fast. But it wasn't enough, he could still see the black figure.
"Hey! You!" Harry yelled and charged back at the dark hooded figure. The shadow hooded black figure started to run away. Harry saw in the light that the figuhre was still dark but the hood it was wearing was grey.
Harry was really scared now. This figure definitely had intent to harm Harry. It was scary because Harry didn't know what this grey dark figure was. It must've been a new type of Dementor but with a grey hood rather than a black hood. It was still sort of black though.
Harry chased the figure into his neighbor's front yard and the dark figure with a grey hood tackled Harry and tried to punch him. Harry was too in shape and athletic though and tossed the grey hooded dark figure off. The light went on in his neighbor's house as the commotion continued. The Dursleys' neighbor George stepped out.
A/N: This isn't Ron's brother George. One of the biggest mistakes in the Harry Potter franchise is that there aren't duplicate names, there isn't just one of everyone in real life, and real life is what I'm writing about.
"What's all this commotion about now?" George said angrily.
"George help! I'm being attacked by this dark figure with a grey hood that I was following. I think it's a dementor! This guy looks like he's up to no good. Or he's on drugs or something and he's just walking around looking about. He has saggy pants, he looks like a thug in saggy pants and a grey hoodie" Harry cried.
"Shit." George said. He pulled out his Kel-TEC PF-9 pistol and fired some rounds into the black figure.
"Oh ow!" the black figure said as bullets penetrated his shirt and exited his back shirt and his grey hoodie. Some strange colorful objects spilled out of the black figure's pocket. They looked like Skittles. George fired a dozen more shots into the black figure as he hit the ground just to make sure he was dead. It was deinitely a dementor, a black dementor with a grey hoodie. Harry had never seen one before, it was definitely a new type of dementor.
"You ok Harry?" George said as the police showed up and placed handcuffs on the dead black dementor after shooting him a few more times.
"Yeah, thanks man. I just don't know George. It seems like the whole fucking world is trying to kill me after last year at school." Harry said as he sat down on the curb and lit up a cigarette.
"I know Harry. Life sucks man... when black shadows are chasing you like that, you just got to stand your ground. Ya know, just fight back when you feel threatened." George said, sitting next to Harry. Harry smiled.
"You're right George." Harry said. "It never hurts to pack heat either am I right?"
"Haha no shit man. Take it easy Harry I gotta go back and watch my shows." George said. He got up and stepped over the black dementor, kicking some dirt on his body like the symbolic dirt mat he was, especially while he was still alive.
Harry went home and the Dudley's were there.
Harry brought his mail upstairs and checked it. Besides his reminders to renew subscriptions to the National Review expiring, there was no mail of note. Harry crumpled the precarious piece of parchments up in his muscular hands and went downstairs as it was supper time and Harry was forced to endure another one of Aunt Petunia's mediocre at best meals.
"Women are biologically proven to be inferior than men at basically all things except providing for their man and family and reproducing. This only proves just how utterly worthless Aunt Petunia is if she cannot sufficiently provide not even a decent meal for us. I suppose she isn't good at reproducing either if Dudley was the best thing to fall out of her." Harry thought angrily.
"Wow, mashed potatos and green beans again huh Aunt Petunia." Harry said as he angrily sat down. "You know women are biologically proven to be inferior to men in basically all things like intellect, body strength, historical achievement, what have you but there God given place is in the kitchen preparing meals and you have failed to do that, you might as well kill yourself. You have let me down and your entire family. Kill yourself right now."
"Harry that's not very nice." Uncle Vernon said as he fanangled the pages of the newspaper he was reading. Even he didn't care about the sub par meal he was being fed. He got some of the potatoes splattered on his green T Shirt which had the words "PROUD GREEN PARTY SUPPORTER" on the front. Vernon is a registered member of the Green Party but he had no conscience or balls and voted with Democrats 100% of the time because Harry knew that Vernon knew that 3rd party candidates won't change anything. There can only be two parties much like how there can only be good and evil, right and wrong, light and darkness, etc. Vernon did not understand the duality of life.
Harry got up and opened a bag of Doritos. While it wasn't the healthiest choice it was certainly more sufficient of a meal than the utter drek Petunia had cooked up for Harry. It certainly had a better taste that would never let Harry's tastebuds down, especially when chased with an ice cold Mountain Dew soda beverage which Harry was also sipping on. Harry had been making an effort to try and share as much of his truth and wisdom to his aunt and uncle at any opportunity he was allowed one. As usual after Harry penetrated her weak mind with seeds of wisdom and fact, Petunia just stared into the abyss silently. Her sallow eyes had become yellow, it was how she took in Harry's truths. She used to fight back once against logic and fact and reason as Vernon still did but Harry's turth's eventually won in the end. Maybe she did have a brain after all. Probably a smaller brain because she was a woman and their brains are biologically inferior to men's brains and run on emotion rather than reason but one brain, or a flawed female brain is better than none. While Vernon was dense like his son and any real truth and information Harry shared passed through Vernon's hollow skull, because he didn't have a brain, much like hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants passing through inept, CLUELESS nations' borders every night. But Harry's words were only there to deliver truth and knowledge, immigrants only bring problems that the liberls call "diversity".
Silence followed besides the crunching of the orange Nacho Cheese Doritos in Harry's mouth.
"So let's see... what's been going on in the United States of America." Vernon said as he paged to the American events section of his newspaper.
"You mean what lies the corrupt liberal establishment media is shitting out of their anus mouth today!" Harry said as Dorito pepples rolled out of his mouth. What a waste of precious Dorito flavor just for Harry to tell Vernon something he SHOULD ALREADY KNOW! THE MEDIA IS CONTROLLED BY LEFT CORPORATIONS WITH ONLY THEIR OWN SPECIAL INTERESTS IN MIND! NOT FACTS! NOT TRUTH! JUST LEFT PROPAGANDA! IT'S ALL FAKE NEWS!"
"Looks like President Obama finally got his equal pay for men and women in the workforce bill passed." Vernon muttered.
"Equal pay? And they deserve that why? They deserve less if anything! They can't do the jobs that men do because they are weaker biologically. Weaker in strength and ESPECIALLY WEAK in mind. They can't conrol their emotions! No one that's emotionally unstable deserves to be making the same amount as someone who's IS emotionally stabled and isn't biologically wired to be that way!" Harry protested.
"Harry women deserve equal pay as men. How else are they going to get by without any money?" Vernon said, making a stupid counter argument.
"That's a stupid counter argument. Women don't need to work! They need to do the one thing they're actually good at AND biologically programmed to do. Make themselves look pretty and let a man shoot as many babies as he wants into their front hole then cook for those babies and men for the rest of their life. I could count on one hand the other things women do in society that's actually positive! And it's not a whole lot!" Harry angrily yelled.
"They deserve the same career opportunities as us men Harry." Vernon said like a coward.
"No they don't! They don't deserve real jobs and they certainly don't deserve a career! They have a set purpose in society and they need not leave the one area they belong in!" Harry said like a winner.
"President Obama seems to think so-" Vernon said slowly because Harry had to interject and interrupt him. Because Vernon was being stupid.
"President Obama? You mean Barack HUSSEIN Obama? The lying liberal puppet who cheated his way into office? The disgusting tyrant who lies about every truth in reality and isn't even a legally born citizen of the country he's leader of? He's no president. Barack HUSSEIN Obama is no fucking president of mine." Harry said galantly.
"There's no proof he was born elsewhere Harry." Vernon said with no facts to back him up.
"You have no facts to back that up! Barack HUSSEIN Obama was born in Africa. Barack HUSSEIN OBAMA's birth certificate was a forgery." Harry rebutted with lots of facts to back up his statement.
Vernon had nothing to say. He lost yet another debate to someone far more intellectual than he could ever hope to be.
"I guess it's fitting that he has the title of president there in the United States of America. They are a nation plagued by millions and millions of illegal immigrants who steal elections by illegally voting for him. They're all scum! The whole lot of them I tell you! A nation of immigrants no one wants and a president that is an illegal immigrant. No one wants him either! America is the greatest nation on the planet, I may not live there but I wish I did but people like BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA are ruining the country every day and eventually people will tire of his foul liberal bullshit and do something about him!" Harry said.
"But look at the benefit-" Vernon started.
"WROOONG!" Harry said slowly interupting Vernon but Vernon was stupid and kept talking.
"Families are happier..."
"WROOONG!" Harry had to silence this lie wild fire and be the water of truth being pored upon the dull flame of lies.
"And have more to do with greater income if the women are making as much as the men..."
"WROOONG!"
"And they... and they... and they..." Vernon said, stuttering. Harry had him beat.
"WRONG! WRONG AND WRONG! JESUS UNCLE VERNON YOUR SO DAMN STUPID YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE A WOMAN! YOU GREEN PARTY PUSSY! YOU HAVE NO BALLS!" Harry screamed and with that he stormed off back to his room. As much as he liked informing people of the truth Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were just too stupid to understand any of it so why bother with them? He had better things to do, like sharpen the blades of his already razor sharp mind by reading some good books.