Note: This was written a while ago. Aside from a few out of date jokes, I'm most pleased and disappointed with my prediction of Pumpkin Spice Pop Tarts. Good in idea, terrible in mouth.
Annual Halloween Rules for Xavier's
By Mice
1. As All Hallow's Eve approaches, we've noticed a bit of excitement races through the halls of Xavier's. That said, the appropriate date to start decorating for Halloween is October 1st. Not as soon as the stores start putting out their Halloween supplies. If we did, we'd have at least six months of Halloween a year.
1b. No, Jubilee, you are not going through a Goth period. You wear entirely too much hot pink to be Goth. If it's before October 1st and in your room, it will be taken down.
2. I have taken all copies of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" (hereto forth known as That. Song.) and locked them in a safe. We have special fail safes in the network that will prevent you from downloading it. On October 31st, you may listen to it all you want, but not before.
2a. Just because I put up this rule does not make me the Grinch Who Stole Halloween. It was your overzealousness that created this rule in the first place.
2b. No, Bobby, this isn't referring to you. For once.
2c. Nor you, Jubilee.
2d. If you have to ask, then it wasn't you.
2e. ...I didn't want to point out who the offender was, but I'm going to have to ask you to stop picking on Scott. Unless he starts to play That. Song., of course.
2f. Nor shall I refer to what the offense was. Scott has suffered enough grief already and the photos are in the archive.
2g. Yes, we even removed all copies of "Revenge of the Nerds". We are that thorough.
3. Please don't encourage Bobby in delusions of grandeur. Especially if it includes a large, orange gourd. (In other words, Bobby... There is no Great Pumpkin.)
3a. Is so!
3b. Just because you see it on TV, Bobby, doesn't mean it exists.
3c. LIES! I saw it one year!
3e. Get out that special Jean hologram that explains how Mastermind works to Bobby…again…
4. The Staff Costume Lottery is compulsory for all faculty members. You may not swap costume allocations with any of your colleagues, nor may you trade sexual favors for changes to your outfit.
4a. Your costume must cover at least as much flesh as the average swimming costume.
4b. The swimming costumes owned by Ms. Braddock are not to be included in the calculation of 'average'.
4c. Nor may you justify the details of your costume by prefixing the word 'sexy'. While we all enjoyed that time Warren turned up dressed as a Sexy Firefighter, I still have nightmares about Betsy's 'Sexy Man-Thing' costume that have nothing to do with the lady herself.
4d. Okay, when we say flesh must be covered? We mean by fabric, not body paint. Or body hair. Or dyed Cheerios.
5. Continuing the subject of costumes, no dressing up as super-villains, real or fictional. You're supposed to be a good influence.
5a. Emma, please, just... do your best, okay?
5b. Scott, darling, it's so difficult to know where to draw the line between 'super-villain costume' and 'lingerie'. You certainly seem to have some trouble telling the difference.
5c. …ew...
6. We know that pranks are a time-honored tradition of Halloween. That said, please refrain from drinking heavily before the pranking starts. Every so often, the pranksters are too drunk to remember that the mansion they are covering in toilet paper, shaving cream, and other sundries is not the Avengers, it is my mansion.
6a. And yes, you will clean it up. I don't have to use telepathy to deduct who the guilty parties are. The tell tale stains on your clothes and usual hangover would be signs enough, but the fact that all participants can't seem but hum the theme to Mission Impossible all day is pretty much the nail in your own coffin.
7. Halloween is also a time for children. They go door-to-door in costume asking for candy. Make sure there is candy to give.
7a. In the spirit of 6a, I do not have to use telepathy to deduct who the guilty parties are. The tell tale candy stains on your face and tongue and usual sugar high would be signs enough, but the fact that all guilty parties can't seem but sing the following is pretty much the nail in your own coffin:
- "Sugar Sugar"
- "Yummy yummy yummy, I got stolen candy in my tummy"
- "Sugar in the mornin', sugar in the evenin', sugar at supper time…when all your candy is the stolen kind, you can eat sugar any time!"
- "The sailors say Candy - you're a fine treat! (A fine treat!) What a good thing to eat! (Such a fine treat!) Because my life, my love and my lady is so sweet! Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo do!"
- Anything that resembles that. song. by B. Manilow
- "I'm eatin' Candy - you already know! I'm eatin' it all - from king size to miniature!"
- "You know that your wrapper is headin' for the trash, but Candy is your name!"
- Any mash up of the previous two
- Unchained Melody in its entirety, sung with no irony
7b. Also, please remember moderation. One year, we had to pump Kitty's stomach for too many gummi bears. And another year, Hank became convinced that he was Sugar Bear, the spokes-bear for Sugar Golden Crisp, and couldn't stop speaking in his inflection all day.
7c. "Can't get enough of those mini Twix!"
8. Please refrain from betting Bobby that he couldn't possibly eat an entire bowl of the candy the rest of the mansion didn't want to eat. When he was 16, $20 was a big deal. Ten years later, it's just an insult.
8a. I don't care if he insists that he doesn't do it for the money, but for the glory. Please desist.
8b. I don't know how you got Jennifer Walters to draw up that form of consent. If you must insist on continuing this practice, please do it outdoors so that the carpeting is spared of Bobby's weak stomach. To this day, none of the cleaners can figure out how to get projectile vomited butterscotch candies and Pop Rocks out of my mother's favorite chandelier.
9. There is no such tradition as the Candy Raid. And even if it was, it would be covered by the various and sundry rules concerning Panty Raids from the initial rules list written when the first students attended.
9a. Including all eight of the rules specifically about you, Bobby.
9b. And the four about you, Hank.
9c. The six about Scott.
9d. The two about Warren.
9e. All twenty-seven about Jean apply to everybody.
10. Wolverine's refusal to wear a costume at Halloween is not, let me reiterate NOT, to be countered by any of the following while he sleeps: Nair, other hair removal treatments including electric razors, body paint, hair dye, makeup, or mousse.
10a. No using transmutational or illusory powers, or concealed Image Inducers, to make it look like he's in costume.
10b. Or a Muppet. This one will get you expelled.
10c. Do not make us show you the Jean hologram that explains about moody Canadians.
11. If you wish to dress up as a cowboy for Halloween, you much submit your application to me no later than October 22nd. This application is to take the form of an essay, approximately 2,000 words in length, explaining which member of the Magnificent Seven you are most like, and why you should be permitted to dress as that specific individual. No other cowboys are permitted, and it should be born in mind that my claim to Chris outweighs all others.
11a. Even if you shave your own head.
11b. Or set your Image Inducer to Yul Brynner.
11c. Dibs on Charles Bronson!
11d. Bobby, we talked about this. Firstly, you can't call dibs. And secondly, even if you could, Logan would take precedence.
11e. Who do I have to sleep with to be James Coburn?
11f. There are millions of movies in this world, guys - can we get over "The Magnificent Seven"?
11g. …get the Jean hologram that explains why "The Magnificent Seven" is the manliest movie ever made and show it to everyone under twenty post haste.
12. Emma Frost's closet should not be confused with a costume shop. Not everyone can be, as Emma wrote, "perfectly petite and voluptuous at the same time". Please do not raid her closet.
12a. That means please reimburse Emma for that corset you broke, Guido.
13. Jack O'Lantern carving is a time honored tradition here at Xavier's. That said, please don't put the pumpkin on top of your head. And please refer back to #6 if you are not quite sure why this rule is here.
13a. And while those little gourds with Jack O'Lantern faces are very adorable, and it was a very sweet idea to spread the holiday cheer to our friends, please refrain from sending them to Peter Parker.
14. We recognize that some persons here have certain advantages over others in regards to costumes, such as illusionary powers or an image inducer. That said, if you choose to go this route and decide to project a costume, please wear something underneath. Please see the archives for a particular Halloween when Kurt's inducer went on the fritz and he claimed that he needed to do laundry.
14a. Sorry, those under 18 cannot see this particular archive.
14b. Kitty, please don't hack that or...
14c. …yeah. Wanda set the code for that. Had no idea that the reward for breaking the code would be pin ups of Agatha Harkness.
14d. …do we have a Jean hologram for that?
15. The Xavier School's annual Halloween Party is a great tradition, and surprisingly popular in the wider superhuman community. This popularity is only emphasized by its exclusivity, and as such all additions to the guest list must, repeat must, be approved by a senior member of the faculty. Let's all see if we can make it a third year running without a super-villain attack, okay?
16. At the Halloween Party, there are traditionally three punch bowls. The first punch bowl is available to all present, faculty, students and guests alike. Please make free. The second punch bowl is for those over the age of twenty-one only. There are no exceptions. The contents of the third punch bowl are nominally reserved for the consumption of Wolverine, the Hulk, and Pete Wisdom, but may also be offered to any super-villains present.
16a. It should go without saying that you do not spike the punch. Especially the first bowl.
16b. Or the third bowl. I appreciate that not all of you are fully adept in the science of organic chemistry, but we've already rebuilt the mansion twice this year. Only my mother's favorite chandelier and the projectile vomit has managed to make it unscathed.
17. The spare barn on the far side of the lake would be a splendid place to make a haunted house. It hasn't been used in over twenty years and it's fairly spooky in itself. Please think about this before deciding to build your haunted house in my home.
17a. And in general, if it's mine, please do not touch it. Or I will send you to the barn.
17b. No, the barn is not haunted. I just said it was fairly spooky.
17c. No, Jubilee, you did not talk to the ghost of J. Edwin Toddington who told you where he buried his fortune. No such person existed and I do not know where you are going with that shovel, but I remain confident that #17a applies to it.
17d. No, Hank, we are not going to call the Ghostbusters.
17e. Or the Monster Squad, Scott.
17f. Please cease your childish collaboration. There is no ghost.
18. Seeing as how I cannot deter you from the notion that there is a ghost on the grounds, I must ask that if you insist on hunting the ghost, please refrain from the following:
- drawing chalk circles on the carpet
- cutting holes out of the good sheets
- bringing anything radioactive on the grounds (which I believe was covered in our kitchen list, anyway)
- video taping anybody's shower with the excuse of, "There's a lot of activity in there!"
- modifying the toaster to a ghost trap because Hank thinks he can make it work. Even if Kitty approves of the diagram.
- especially if Bobby approves of the diagram
- especially if Warren volunteers to fund the diagram
- wearing matching jumpsuits. Nothing that pink never needed to be seen on Guido.
- hooking Bobby's brain up to anything
- going through my rolodex in my study to look up Winston Zedmore's contact information
19. Nobody is allowed to use old yearbook photos as costume inspiration. No exceptions.
19a. Especially not when those photos include Warren's man-cleavage-baring number from the early '90s.
19b. Or Bobby's chunky Disco Boots that, shockingly, don't date back to the early '80s but really should.
19c. Or Warren's pink-and-white number.
19d. Or Bobby's outfit that consisted of a Power Belt and a pair of Y-fronts with two pairs of Hank's socks stuffed down them.
19e. Look, anything would look small next to that belt, okay? I had to do something. Anyhow, you dressed in blue and purple.
19f. Actually, Warren, I was hoping I could borrow that early '90s number for this year...
19g. And I, for one, would like to endorse Ms Braddock's request!
19h. Bobby, Betsy, allow me to repeat myself. No exceptions.
19i. Whoever took the headband better give it back right now.
20. Please do not refer to any of the alumni as The Walking Zombie Corpse of (Name). While there is truth in the statement, it is quite rude.
20a. Also, you may not shout, "The dead walk amongst us!" And do not point. It's especially rude and you do not always point accurately. I assure you, that is most certainly not dead.
20b. Due to some lobbying…you may shout, "The drop dead gorgeous walk amongst us!"
20c. And you may point at that. That is most definitely drop dead gorgeous.
20d. You may not bribe people to say this to you, Jubilation. Use that cash bribe and buy a Wonder Bra.
20e. The operative word was buy one. Do not steal one of Rogue's brassiere's and proceed to stuff it.
20f. I don't care if you two are practically brother and sister, this rule would also apply to you, Kurt.
20g. …I wouldn't ask such things if I were you, Robert…
21. By rule of the school, and natural law of mutant kind, it is permitted to kill and/or eat anyone who attempts to operate a video camera on campus between October 29 and September 2. And/or grind their bones to make your bread.
21a. I really didn't think anyone would take this seriously. Where's Elixir?
22. The following individuals are permanently barred from the Halloween Party Guest List, regardless of who asks:
- Lady Deathstrike. Yuriko's lack of organic tissue means that she has some trouble holding her punch, and the results are inevitably messy.
- Sebastian Shaw. Emma, you don't need stock tips that badly.
- Rick Jones. See #15.
- David Hasselhoff
- Magneto. Erik is welcome on alternate years, provided he promises not to make any speeches.
- Any and all ex-girlfriends or wives of Wolverine. See #15
- Kimye
- Deadpool. I trust I do not need to explain.
23. As the Halloween season approaches, some on campus might get a hankering for pumpkin spice foods. And for the most part, these choices are good. Choices that are not considered good choices are as follows:
- Pumpkin Spice Turkey
- Pumpkin Spice Deviled Eggs
- Pumpkin Spice Mustards
- Pumpkin Spice Tuna Noodle Casserole
- Pumpkin Spice BLT
- Pumpkin Spice Pastie
- Pumpkin Spice Hot Pockets
- Pumpkin Spice Tofu
- Pumpkin Spice Fried Steak
- Pumpkin Spice Curry
- Pumpkin Spice Miso
- Pumpkin Spice Stroganoff
- Pumpkin Spice Jambalaya
- Pumpkin Spice Tabouli
- Pumpkin Spice Tim Curry
- Pumpkin Spice Hummus
- Pumpkin Spice Lasagna
- Pumpkin Spice Hot Wings
- Pumpkin Spice Tacos
- Pumpkin Spice Salsa
- Pumpkin Spice Pop Tarts
- Pumpkin Spice Cornish Game Hens
- Pumpkin Spice Sushi
- Pumpkin Spice Colas
- Pumpkin Spice Kiev
- Pumpkin Spice Bratwurst
- Pumpkin Spice Haggis
- Pumpkin Spice Roasted Pork
- Pumpkin Spice Kraut
- Grilled Pumpkin Spice
- Blackened Pumpkin Spice
- Pumpkin Spice Benedict
- Pumpkin Spice Pumpkin Spice
- Pumpkin Spick Girl
- Pumpkin Spice Goulash
- Pumpkin Spice Jerky
- Pumpkin Spice Parmesan
- Pumpkin Spice-A-Roni
- Pumpkin Spice Tofurkey
23a. Contrary to popular opinion, it is not considered to be an honor to be on this list. Please stop your quest on getting your entry on the list.
23b. Do not listen to Henry. There isn't a trophy for getting the most dishes onto the list.
23c. …I do not know where you got a trophy, but I hope for your sake I do not find it.
24. Those gallant youths who have taken time and trouble to make the long trek from Salem Center out to the Xavier Estate, weighed down by heavy costumes and candy bags, are deserving of at least a small comestible consideration for their pains. They are not deserving of frozen underwear.
24a. The aforesaid comestible consideration should comprise candy, not 'healthy fruit'. Or toothbrushes.
24b. If you have had an episode of a VH-1 reality show whose title begins "The Fabulous Life of...", it might not be a good idea to hand out pennies instead of candy. Agreed, Warren?
24c. Do not let Elisabeth answer the door. Too many children have achieved their first milestone of puberty due to her usual lack of costume.
24d. That said, do not let Bobby anywhere near Elisabeth. There's no reason to rush him into his first milestone of puberty, either.
25. Please speak and write in English. I assure you, you are not any of the following. This is an academic establishment, not a comment thread:
- in ur pumpkin, squishing ur seedz
- in ur head, reading ur mind
- in ur basement, haunting ur laundree
- in ur kandee, rotting ur teeth
- in ur head, eeting ur brainz
- in ur bag, steeling ur kandee
- in ur koffin, suckin ur blud
26. As mentioned, the annual Halloween Party is a fairly big event, attended by a significant proportion of the American superhero community. As such, in the interests of not destroying America's capacity to respond to giant killer bugs from outer space, Banshee and Siryn are both officially banned from participating in the Karaoke.
26a. Piotr, you're on Sean Watch. He gets drunk and touches the microphone, pull his head off.
26b. You have permission to do the same if anybody asks to sing any Jethro Tull.
27. The Hulk is not allowed anywhere near the Jacuzzi. Keep this rule with you all year round.
28. Keep in mind that no one is impressed by your ability to construct severed body parts and fashion them onto your person. Gore is simply ho-hum to the likes of us.
28a. …what do you mean that severed hand isn't made from plastic?
28b. If you are a friend of a coroner, do no ask for certain types of favors that would pertain to severed body parts.
29. There is a certain ambiance that comes with Halloween. There are certain movies that are enjoyed by the residents here during October. Those movies must be terrifying and scary in nature. Movies that are not terrifying and scary in nature – despite various outcries and weird phobias – are:
- Gidget
- My Best Friends Wedding
- Pretty in Pink
- Xanadu
- It's a Wonderful Life
- Hitch
- Charlotte's Web (Julia Roberts version)
- Harold and Maude
- Patch Adams (Okay, Hank – we'll give you this.)
- Any movie starring Dane Cook, Kate Hudson, Dane Cook & Kate Hudson
- Lassie
- The Princess Diaries
29a. Upon further reflection, no Tom Cruise movies are to be shown…ever. Some things are too frightening, even on Halloween.
30. Those students and faculty members caught with Candy Corn will have it immediately confiscated; this is not a candy, it is a torture device.
30a. The person who posted the pictures of the Professor with the confiscated Candy Corn with a look in his eyes that can only be described as lust will be granted all sorts of immunity and will be able to break any of these rules with no consequences.
30b. No, Bobby, we know it wasn't you. We watched the Jean hologram on the Professor's love of Candy Corn and Douglas Sirk movies which explains a lot about why we found a deer in his office that one Valentine's Day...
31. That is not a zombie, that is Hank without his coffee. Please desist on hitting him with that cricket bat.
31a. Bobby is always like that until noon.
31b. I don't think Wolverine would like that, either.
31c. Piotr has a techno-organic steel exoskeleton, do you really think that you can defeat a techno-organic steel zombie?
31d. …no, that doesn't mean Piotr is a zombie, I'm just saying if…
31e. You really thought you could get the telepathic ninja on that thing?
31f. Yes, I know she has technically come back from the dead, but she's not exactly eating your brains, is she?
31g. We're going to pretend Bobby never said that.