I'm Still Willing
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from "Friends", they are the property of Bright/Kauffman/Crane productions.
A/N: This is just a little stand-alone fic I wrote, inspired by the song "Willing To Try" by Bo Bice, which is the song the lyrics in this fiction are from. It reminded me of the moment Rachel realised that Ross was the way she should go in her life, when she was on the plane. So, out of boredom one day, this came out :-)
Rachel walked in a daze down the hallway from the airport to the plane. She hadn't blinked since she'd left him standing there. She hadn't even thought much- she felt numb. It was like her feet were carrying her, making her move forward. Or maybe she was gliding above the ground. She couldn't tell.
Before she knew it, she was back in her plane seat, staring at the back of the seat in front of her. Going to Paris. Starting a new life . . .
Here I go, trying to write another chapter in my life
Driving down this lonely highway deep inside
And where I'm going, I don't really know
She still had reservations. She couldn't specify them in the chaos her mind was currently in, but she knew sitting here on the plane didn't feel right. Paris was supposed to be right. Finally, she was finally taking a chance. Risking more than she could tell, starting completely from the beginning. She'd done it before, she could do it again.
Only . . . Paris didn't have the five best friends in the world waiting to help her. No Monica to give her a place to stay and offer up support at any hour of the day. No Chandler to joke when the moments got too serious. No Joey to comfort her, or amuse her with his never ending cluelessness but giant heart. No Phoebe to sing her nonesensical songs, or offer her always accurate advice. Well, almost always accurate. And no him.
No Ross.
But here I go, trying hard not to leave too much life behind
Is there something out there that I'm trying to find?
I believe in love, believe in us
But there are days when it's not enough
Her mind cleared enough to see him. His face, his eyes . . .
They were so desperate. Clinging on to anything they could. Pleading her, begging her.
"Please stay, I am so in love with you."
Seven years. It had been almost seven years since he'd uttered words along those lines to her. Seven years since he'd been able to hold her confidently. They'd hurt each other so much, so many times. And yet . . . he still loved her. Of course. He always had. She'd always known it, but was too scared to admit it to herself. Why had it never been enough? She knew that the painful events of their complicated history were mere memories- she was the father of her child, for God's sake. So why did she still resist him?
Why couldn't she let herself love him?
She took a deep breath, reaching for her cell phone with a shaky hand. She didn't care that they weren't supposed to use them now. She had to apologize to him. God, how much had she hurt him this time? Would it ever stop, or were they just stuck in a continual process of hurt, never quite healing before the next blow?
"Ross, hi. It's me," she began, her voice coming out shaky but firm as she left a message on his machine. "I just got back on the plane. And I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It's just that I wasn't expecting to see you, and all of a sudden you're there and saying these things... And... And now I'm just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn't." All of a sudden, words were spilling out of her mouth without her even thinking about them. "I mean, I didn't even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. I love you."
I'm not gonna change who I am,
But I ain't gonna give up the fight
I don't care who's wrong or right
When it's all said and done
And you tell me you've had enough,
You're thinking of giving up on love
I'm still willing to try
She paused. What was she saying?
"I love you," she tried again. It felt right. It wasn't forced, she hadn't even planned on saying it. She hadn't even realized it herself . . .but she was still in love with him, too. She knew she still had feelings, but this deep? She was surprising herself. "I love you- what am I doing? I love you!"
She had to get off this plane. Why was she leaving? Everything she had ever wanted or needed in life had just rendered himself completely vulnerable to her, willing to put himself out there as the one thing to make her stay. He wasn't a big enough man to sacrifice his love for her. And now, she saw that. And she wasn't strong enough to leave everything he was offering behind. It may have taken seven years to realize this point, but Rachel finally gave in. She'd grown up. He'd grown up. Maybe . . . maybe now they could make this work.
Here I go, step into the spotlight on the stage
Finally realizing that I've come of age
Running my own race, down life's lonesome road
"Oh, I've gotta see you," she said into the phone, the epiphany running over her like cold water. "I've gotta get off this plane." She got up, catchign the attention of a flight attendant going down the aisle. "Excuse me?"
"Miss? Please sit down!"
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to tell someone that I love love them . . ."
Rachel struggled to explain her predicament to the bothered woman. She was feeling so frantic now. Euphoric at the fact that she realized she still loved Ross, and that it was safe too. Nothing was holding her back anymore. No hard feelings, no other women, no other men. Just him. And their daughter.
Oh God, Emma. She'd almost taken Emma away from her daddy. While she still persistently was trying to get off the plane, she wondered if Ross would even take her back. She'd left him . . . he'd completely let go of his feelings, poured out to her like a broken wine bottle. And with a simple, dazed apology, she'd abandoned him. To move across the ocean. To take their daughter with her. Silently, she forgave him for everything he'd ever done to her. She didn't care anymore. In here eyes, what she'd just been about to do what worse than anything he had done to her.
She heard the phone beep quietly in her hand, as the flight attendant continued to fight her. She'd said everything she could.
Finally, another passenger on the flight did something other than gawk at the spectacle. He called the attendent's attention, to divert her from Rachel.
"Excuse me? I don't have a blanket here . . ."
The attendent went to show the passenger where his blanket was, and Rachel darted out from behind. She fleeted down the aisle, past all the curious and confused faces, getting to the door just before the hallway to the airport was being unattached.
"Sorry, gotta go!", were the only words of explanation she offered the workers as she flew past them.
So here I go, we only get one life we've gotta live
Let's hope we find the strength just to forgive
If you believe in me, like I believe in us
There ain't no way we're giving up
She didn't think of the irrationality of what she was doing. Sure, all her luggage was continuing on its way to Paris as her flight took off without her. She had virtually nothing but one carry on, and a few things left at her mother's that were to be shipped later. But, for once, she wasn't thinking of possessions.
She was thinking about what mattered.
He mattered. He was all that mattered. Him and the family Emma was missing out on. That they were missing out of. They'd had a year and a half to make one happy family out of themselves. Hell, they'd had ten years to be together. Ten years where so much changed, shifted, and had gone from bad to worse and back, highlighted by one year and other sporatic occurences of getting it right. She was still Rachel, and he was still Ross.
But everything else was different. And now, she saw that.
I'm not gonna change who I am,
But I ain't gonna give up the fight
I don't care who's wrong or right
When it's all said and done
And you tell me you've had enough,
You're thinking of giving up on love
I'm still willing to try
As she caught a cab and sat in the back of it, her bag almost spilling its contents, she breathlessly told the driver Ross's address.
"You in a hurry?", the old man joked. He was the average downtown New York cab driver, with a thick Queens accent, probably mid-fifties. Rachel bartered how much she should tell this stranger.
"Kind of. I have to, erm, tell someone I love them."
"They don't know?", he asked.
"Well, he should. But he doesn't. And I just saved myself from making the biggest mistake of my life. I have to make sure he knows."
The driver nodded, his eyes sparkling with a slight smile on his face. He winked at her through the rear-view mirror. "He's a lucky guy."
Rachel smiled to herself, happy that she'd given that small amount of information to this man. He was definitely making her feel better. She wouldn't tell him any more specifics, but she had a feeling that maybe he understood her.
"Hold on, and remember, I'm only doing this for you."
She looked at him, confused, until he stepped down hard on the accelerator to make it through a yellow light at the last second. If it weren't for her seatbelt, she would have been thrown across the back seat. This guy drove just like Phoebe, she thought to herself. That comforted her. Made this all feel vaguely familiar. Maybe it was a sign that she was doing the right thing.
"Please don't be mad at me," she pleaded quietly to no one as the cab sharply turned off the highway onto the Manhattan exit.
When you're all alone, feeling so far from home
Just hold on, cause I'm willing to try
If you're crying deep inside, hold on to your pride
Just hold on, cause I'm willing to try
She tipped the cabbie extra as he pulled to the curb in front of Ross's apartment.
"Thank you," she told him sincerely. He'd never know how thankful she was.
"You're welcome. And hey," he added, just as she was walking up to the building's door. She turned around. "Good luck."
She smiled and nodded, thanking him one last time with her eyes. He tipped his hat to her before haphazardly pulling back into traffic. She watched the cab turn the corner before hurrying into Ross's building. Her head was throbbing, her knees shaking violently, her head full of doubts but her heart full of confidence. And, for once, she was listening to her heart.
If you believe in love, believe in us
Gotta find the faith to never give up
When she got out of the elevator, the hallway was eerily silent. No one walking, Ross's door just closed as if everything was so normal when it was so far from that. She took a deep breath, closing her eyes before she walked up to the door. She lifted her fist to knock, but heard something from inside.
Ross was listening to her message. She could hear her muffled voice from less than an hour before, admitting her feelings for him and bickering with the flight attendent. She slowly and silently opened the door to his apartment, to see him staring at the machine in desperation.
"Did she get off the plane, did she get off the plane?!"
She waited a beat before revealing herself.
"I got off the plane."
I'm not gonna change who I am,
But I ain't gonna give up the fight
I don't care who's wrong or right
Baby, when it's all said and done
And you tell me you've had enough,
You're thinking of giving up on love...
"You got off the plane."
Thus came the highest, most intense, longing, loving, passion that either had ever experienced. It more than paralleled their first kiss- it overshadowed it. After staring at her like she was an angel sent down from heaven itself, with such disbelief that his eyes began to water, he'd rushed to her, taking her face in his hands and kissing her deeply.
"I do love you," she sincerely told him after they broke, her hands clasping tightly to his shoulders..
He rubbed her arms, reluctant to let her go for even a second. "I love you too, and I'm never letting you go again."
"Okay. Cause this is where I wanna be, okay? No more messing around. I don't wanna mess this up again."
"Me neither, okay? We are- we're done being stupid."
"Okay. You and me, alright?" She paused a split second. "This is it."
"This is it," he repeated, but raised his eyebrows. "Unless we're on a break . . ." She shot him an annoyed look. "Don't make jokes now," he answered himself.
They kissed deeply again, letting completely loose. Ross hugged her as tightly to his body as he could as tears began shedding from both of their eyes. They were back.
Maybe it was heaven after all.
I'm not gonna change who I am,
But I ain't gonna give up the fight
I don't care who's wrong or right
When it's all said and done
And you tell me you've had enough,
You're thinking of giving up on love
I'm still willing to try
Rachel lay peacefully on the leather couch in Ross's living room. She felt his shallow breaths below her, lost in deep sleep. The first he'd had in a while, she bartered, considering the hell of the past few weeks. But she pushed is from her mind, and rather concentrated on the man who's chest moved up and down beneath her back, his arms tight around her middle.
It didn't feel rushed. They weren't under the influence of any alcohol. It was just them. And finally, it felt right. The stars were no longer crossed, but aligned perfectly for the first time in way too long.
It wasn't like a big Hollywood movie. They didn't immediately pull their clothes from each other, littering a trail of garments on the path to the bedroom. Rather, they held each other for what seemed like hours, standing in the middle of his living room, nothing holding them up but the other's body. Few words were futher spoken. He rubbed her back, she brushed another tear away from her cheek. Eventually, Ross had pulled them to lay back on the couch, to merely soak up each other's presence and the magnetude of the moment that didn't end. It was like time had suspended, and that was fine with Rachel. She never wanted to forget this moment, though she didn't think she could if she tried.
Now, with Ross having drifted to sleep underneath her, she thought about everything she'd learned in the past ten years. So much about life, love, forgiveness . . . but she had no regrets. Sure, they both had their share of stupid actions and bad choices. But if she had this at the end of it, then it was all worth the while. He really was worth the wait.
She had thought going to Paris would be taking a risk, finally breaking a chain of playing it safe. But she realized that she'd taken an even bigger chance- she'd surrendered to her heart. And at the end, got an even better reward.
This was a chance that she'd never regret taking. Who needed Paris when you could have this?
She gently rolled over so she could rest the side of her head on him, pressing her ear against his chest. She could hear his heart beat. She closed her eyes, taking in his intoxicating natural scent. Just before she fell under exhaustion's spell, she took a short moment to recall her complicated history with Ross.
Getting together, breaking up, on again, off again, wedding, divorce, Emma.
She smiled as she added the last piece of the puzzle.
On again.
And she knew she'd fight to the death to keep it that way.
...Willing to try