A/N This is a one shot, AH piece about Tanya's pain of losing Edward. In this they went out for five years through college and after, which helps to explain her pain. In New Moon Bella and Edward hadn't even been together that long. Just imagine if he had ran away with some one else after five whole years. It might be a bit choppy and any things that need to be cleaned up will be if you tell me to. It's only my second ever fanficand I haven't written any depressing stuff before, so please share with me your opinions and how I could make it better.
Songs: Into the Ocean by Blue October, Haunted by Kelly Clarkson and My Happy Ending by Avril Lavigne. Any suggestions for songs that fit will be noted.
Tanya's P.O.V
The altar was filled with flowers and white drapes. My old friend had really gone overboard, every spare surface covered in tasteful floral arrangements, filling the room with a sweet smell. The church looked beautiful to celebrate something that most will find to be a beautiful thing. Everyone sat in there rows, there conversations filling the room with a quiet murmur. This all stopped though as soon as the music began. Everyone turned round at once to look, craning there necks and shuffling in there seats to see the blushing bride, and there she was.
She was a petite girl, looking like an angel in her dress. It was traditional white and had a long, detailed lace train at the back. Her hair was styled to perfection, the same with her make up, which was completed by her natural blush form being the centre of attention. She stepped forward onto the short isle in time with the organ and gave me the perfect angle to see her. The dress was from the early nineteen hundreds and suited the Groom's old fashioned personality. I could see her innocent brown eyes that looked so deep and were shining with tears of joy as she saw her Groom. As she walked past I saw the small Sapphire clips in her hair and the way she was walking awkwardly to prevent falling over. As I took my eyes away from her I saw the families of the couples, looking like they were going to burst with joy for the couple. My old best friend, the only bridesmaid, looked like she was going to cry. Everyone's breathe was taken away by the brides beauty, the groom most of all. As she reached the priest she smiled at her husband-to-be.
Her husband-to-be, not mine.
He's not nor ever will be mine.
They looked at each other with shining eyes, there faces showing the utter bliss and the Groom stood with pride at having this girl to be his wife. As they stood there, staring into each others eyes as the priest began, my heart broke for the seemingly millionth time. I couldn't look anymore at this moment of bliss, turning to see my sister looking at me with pity. As I looked at everyone else in the altar, I saw the people behind me whispering and staring at me. I normally wouldn't mind but as I turned to face the front again I saw the couple glance at me at the same time. This didn't surprise me; they were so in sync together in a way I could only dream of. I didn't want my sister Kate's pity and I certainly didn't want pity from Bella and Edward. It was a quick glance from the two of them that made me snap. I was the unwanted third wheel, and I couldn't stand it any longer. I got up and ran out of the church with one thought which was permanently etched into the fragments of my heart. Seven simple but harsh words that continued to scream in my head, continued to pound my destroyed heart.
He doesn't love me, he chose her.
A/N I would have split it there, but nothing was explained and it was too short, so just imagine that this is a different chapter without the wait or extra clicking
How did it get to this? Running from a room filled with people that would have made me so happy before. After five years with Edward I was friends with his family. I had baked with Esme, shopped with Alice and giggled with Rosalie. Emmett had teased me, Jasper had gambled with me and Carlisle had welcomed me into his home. By being left by Edward not only had I left him, someone I could never replace , but I had lost a future and a family. I hadn't had parents for a long time when I met Esme and Carlisle. My Mum had died in a car accident when I was four and my Dad had never been around. Every Christmas for five years we went to the Cullens'. Alice had been my best friend. Now she was Bella's. I've been replaced entirely by her. After the break up no one called me. Alice, who I talked to every night, didn't even message me once. Yet I still couldn't bring myself to blame anyone other then me for just letting him leave, let alone hate like my sister told me to. I could never even dislike Edward.
He was a cancer that I wanted, a drug I couldn't resist even though it fucked me up beyond repair. Without him I was nothing. I can't even do the things I loved most, which were draw, write lyrics or even sing. I can't draw because no matter how much I tried all my portraits all turned into a sketch of him or something that reminded me of him. I can't write lyrics because they all turned out to be about this messed up situation, like some kind of bad country song. Also he always wrote the music on the piano, beautiful pieces, and in my head I would work on the lyrics that twined with his work. I can't sing because I have no light in my life, no muse, no inspiration and no one to listen. Sure, all of this sounded like a corny love song but it was true. He was the beat in my heart, and without it I'm just a shell.
Kate always tells me that books about girls that go into zombie states when there other half leaves them is sexist, and I used to agree completely. Now I am the biggest hypocrite in the world because the girls described in those books are exactly what I have been reduced to. A hollow shell that can't even find any numbness, just pain, twisted memories and a future that was snatched away from me before I even realised I had it. When I realised all of this it was too late. My Greek god was saying his vows to someone else and even then I did nothing. I ran and ran in a tight red dress in ridiculous heels until I got far enough to stop and hand myself over to the pain I had brought upon myself for giving Edward over to the perfect, innocent Bella. She was the exact opposite of me and that was what made her perfect for him.
The place in question was a wet, cold and empty beach. I didn't even care that it was freezing or that there was a wild storm, causing me to get wet and salty as I sat on the La Push cliffs, thinking about anything but what I lost. I watched as the ocean tore apart the rocks below me. The ocean would eventually tear those rocks into millions of microscopic pieces. Sure, the rocks looked big, strong and together and fooled a lot of people, but really they were slowly crumbling. The rocks had hundreds of invisible fault lines and if the ocean kept on pummelling those rocks then the lines would show and the rock would break. Only one more wave and the rock would be ruined.
I watched as the wild, stormy, grey ocean beat every thing it could reach into dust with tears pouring done my face. It hadn't always been like this. Once upon a time I had been happy, confident and loved by the one person that mattered. In one week it had all been ruined without me even knowing, and in a few months my former bubbly self was reduced to this. Sitting on a cliff, mascara all over my face, with no one looking for me. The ceremony would be done by now and they would be enjoying the reception. Kate would be drinking and hitting on Edwards brother Emmett and friend Jasper. Edward would be having his first dance with Bella and it would be beautiful. They're perfect together and will be permanently happy in each others presence. She would be asking about the honeymoon and he would be wearing his crooked smile that could brighten even the darkest of souls. He would probably be lifting her a little bit because of the height difference and clumsiness. Everyone would be laughing at this and the room would have an atmosphere that would be insufferably happy as everyone talked about the ecstatic couple and how they were meant to be. No one sparing a thought for Edwards's clingy ex. No one realising how close it was to me being in that dress and me putting that smile on his face and me everyone being jealous of.
Edward and I used to be perfect together. It was only a matter of time until he proposed; I know this because I even found the god damn box. I was patient but for an entire month the ring was never mentioned. I thought he would be nervous about proposing, so I coaxed him, saying about how my friends Carmen and Eleazar were getting married and had asked me when I'd have a ring on my finger. Edward just looked even more nervous and didn't smile again for a week. I didn't think anything was up, just thinking he wanted it to be perfect. Now I look back and realize that he was probably only going to propose to me in the first place because he thought it the gentlemanly thing to do. After all we had been together for five years and he did constantly shower me in love and affection. He bought me expensive gifts and took me on fantastic holidays around the world. We lived together and I couldn't have been happier. It was love, just not TRUE love. I knew this deep down but refused to ruin our relationship. Everyone I knew was jealous of me bagging a young Greek god, millionaire doctor who smiled every single time I entered the room. All of this, all of those years and our relationship was ruined by one single thing that triggered a whole train of events.
Carlisle, Edward's father, was having issues with his heart and Edward immediately flew from our home in California to Forks to see him. That was where he met her. I suppose the story of there meeting would have been perfect with out me. Edward had gone to Forks to see his father and family he hadn't seen in a few months. I hadn't gone because I had to help Carmen and Eleazar with there wedding plans. Edward had insisted I should stay and help them, claiming he'd spend all of his time in hospitals. He was at the hospital when they met. He was innocently walking through a corridor when she came from the other direction. Her and her father were family friends, though her and Edward and had never met. She was so clumsy that she tripped in the corridor, landing in his arms. She turned bright red, mumbling apologies when there eyes met. When Edward came back and told me, he said that when there eyes met he knew it was meant to be. I didn't even say anything. I had just watched as he had walked out of my life, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. As I replayed that night in my mind my chest gave another painful pang.
I should have been able to tell straight away. It was a week from him landing in California from Forks to him telling me about her. During that week he never once looked me in the eyes. He didn't use his crooked smile, he didn't laugh and his eyes were empty. All of this should have screamed impending doom but I was to busy helping Carmen and Eleazar. I didn't notice the absence of gifts, love and compliments. At the end of a week he left. As he walked out that door all of my inner peace left with him. He doesn't even know how much he has cut me up. I put on the personality of a stuck up bitch around me so he thinks he never meant anything to me, because if he saw a glimpse of the emptiness I felt right now he would beat himself up for falling in love, which would be stupid. He should be able to enjoy a life with Bella that I wish for everyday. I don't want her to feel the pain I feel right now because that would be wrong. So I'll just keep pretending to be evil and two faced so he can move on with a clean break. He deserves it. I can't even hate her because she makes him happy, and I love him to much to hate something that makes him happy. The deserved this enough that I can't be the third wheel that causes a constant cloud in there sunshine. It's not there fault there meant to be together. I want to be a heartless bitch so my heart couldn't feel like it was breaking every time he mentioned her name or I saw them together. I felt a hole in my chest where happiness should exist but is constantly absent.
I thought again about the rocks and the ocean. I was a small rock that everyone thought was sturdy and he was the wave. No matter how much I wanted him to stay and be calm, it will never happen. I am living in a constant storm, only memories of when we existed in harmony keeping me warm at night. One more wave and I'm finished. I'll crumble in a spectacular fashion and everyone will think about that poor girl that was driven mad by a lost love. So clichéd that my old English teacher would have shunned me, but it was the truth and there was no point denying it. My phone buzzed for the billionth time in my handbag. I pulled it out and flicked it open a second too late. I had thirty two missed calls; all of them from Kate apart form one. Edward had called me. As much as I hated to admit it, when I saw his name I still got butterflies in my stomach and tingles in my toes. He had left a message and I needed to hear his hatred for me potentially ruining his wedding. Then I would not have to pretend to be strong. I could just break down knowing he would not feel guilt for me. I went to my voicemail and flicked through Kate's messages to his.
'Tanya,' his velvety voice began. The tone of voice brought a broken sob from my all ready over cried throat. 'As much as you pretend otherwise I know this is painful for you. You know I do love you, just not in this way. Look, I shouldn't have to say this on voicemail, but I want you here. Me and Bella both feel so bad for you-'I napped my phone shut. I hated sympathy so much. It was only used to remind victims of there wounds, and was usually too late to change the situation. This was the final wave on my rock. He didn't love me enough to look after me. He didn't love me enough to truly care. He didn't love me at all no matter how much he denied it. When he said my name he said it with pain, but said Bella's with joy, like she was the light in his life. My vision was blurred with tears as I got up. The world was spinning around me and I felt broken, truly broken as if I had no more to give, no need to carry on my embarrassment of a life. I was worn out and couldn't fight to breathe anymore.
I really didn't mean to do what happened next. I stumbled on the cliff, not aware of anything around me. I could hear screaming and after a second I realized it was me. I was having a breakdown as the pain took over me, the image of the couple at the altar blinding me. I was about to collapse, I could feel consciousness slipping from me as my body seeked numbness. As I stumbled once more I fell. I didn't realize until I was hit by the cold water. My whole body was aching and I didn't even bother to figure out which was up. So many thought s were spinning through my head. If I had a gun I would have shot myself just to rid of the pain, but instead I just tried to slip to the bottom of this ocean.
Oceans are filled with secrets. Millions of mysteries are kept by them and as I slipped from consciousness I became another one of those mysteries. No one would ever find me. They'd think I ran away, but there is no running away from the things that are etched into your mind, soul and heart. I was ruining everyone's lives by breathing and moving, even though I wouldn't quite call it living. As I realized I was going to slip from life, my heart faltering and my lungs screaming for air I didn't see a light. There was no tunnel with a promise of greater things at the other side.
Just an image of Edward's perfect face, more beautiful then any angel's, to take me to whatever lay in store for me now.
A/N Was it good? Was it rubbish? Did it have the emotions of a cardboard box? Or was it as deep as the ocean ( XD)? Please all opinions are welcome and I SWEAR I will reply to all reviews. I might even dedicate my next one shot to the best :) Unless, you would find it insulting to have a piece written buy me to be dedicated to you, in which case I will send you imaginary chocolates :) I know she repeats some thoughts quite alot, but she does this because she can't really think straight so it's all just kind of circling around in her head. Sorry if it's annoying!