Harry Potter
And The
Seventh Book
(This is completely a parody of the Harry Potter books and in no way reflects the thoughts or feelings of J.K. Rowling or the movies, books, shows, plays, and characters associated within this book.)
Written By: Me (Jaime Guerra) and My Cat (Oreo Guerra)
Chapter 1: The Dursley's
An hour after the end of the funeral, it was time for Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley to start their final trek which started at the Dursley's home. Harry had to say good-bye and felt relieved that he wouldn't have to be going to that crappy house again. Ginny Weasley came too because she really liked Harry and wanted to make sure he didn't go off and snog with some other girl. Ron didn't like his sister tagging along because she smelled funny. Hermione, on the other hand, enjoyed Ginny's aroma saying that it was better than Ron's shitty smell. And so now we follow our heroes on their quest to destroy the one ring…I mean to destroy the one Dark Lord…
"Why does she have to tag along?!" whined Ron to Harry after Ginny stepped on his gigantic foot.
"Because she's hot for me, Ron!!" retorted an angry Harry, who was finding Ron's incessive whining quite annoying. Hermione wasn't paying attention to either of them. She was wondering how on earth they were going to get to the Dursley's house when the writer himself forgot to mention how they were traveling or even how they left the scene of the funeral back at Hogwarts.
"Guys?" she asked.
"Yes?" chimed Ginny.
"How are we supposed to get to the Dursley's? That idiot Jaime forgot to mention how we traveled!"
OH YEAH!! I almost forgot to say that the four of them walked from the funeral place at the lake to thestral-carried carriages that took them to the Hogwart's Express at Hogsmeade Station. Once at this station, they bummed a ride back into London. From London, they traveled by cab to Number 4, Privet Drive even though they could have done it a lot faster with broomsticks or aparating. There! You happy, Hermione?!?!
"Yes! Much better! Now that we are here at the Dursley's house, let's walk inside." yipped Hermione. Harry walked straight in without knocking and found a nasty surprise on the kitchen table: Uncle Vernon snogging Aunt Petunia. Harry cleared his throat and both his aunt and uncle gave a startled cry of startledness.
"How'd you get in?!" Roared Uncle Vernon with the vein on the side of his head clearly visible and pulsating with rage.
"I…uh…I let myself in," said Harry.
"You're ugly!" roared Uncle Vernon, clearly angry. Aunt Petunia gave a satisfied smirk since she thought Harry would have no comeback to this horrible insult Uncle Vernon had thrown at him.
Harry bit his lip trying to hold in his rage.
"And your glasses suck ass!" Harry had to try really hard not to make some kind of a retort at this one. The ugly comment hurt but insulting his glasses was just not kosher. Harry fought back tears but still remained silent, glaring at his aunt and uncle as if he thought he had eyes that could melt them. All of a sudden there was a loud BANG, and Dobby the house-elf aparated into the Dursley's home. He proceeded to give Uncle Vernon a wet-willy and then also gave Aunt Petunia an atomic wedgie. And with another BANG, he was gone.
"Blimey," chirped Ron. "I was just about to do that myself."
"No you weren't!" scowled Ginny.
"I'm Hermione," said Hermione to the wall she was standing in front of. Everyone turned and looked at Hermione, turned and looked at each other, and then turned and looked at Hermione again before shrugging. Apparently, they felt Hermione was just strange and liked talking to inanimate objects.
"Nice comeback!" snorted Aunt Petunia to Harry, ignoring everything that had just occurred because she is old and forgets things easily.
Harry suddenly turned to Aunt Petunia and pulled out his wand.
"You're not allowed to do magic outside of that place you all go to to do stuff because then you'll get kicked out of that place of stuff-doing!" bellowed Uncle Vernon. "BWAHAAHAHAHA!!"
Harry glared at his aunt, pointed his wand at her, and yelled out, "MUSTACHE-EEEO!!" and a huge dark-haired mustache appeared under his aunt's nose that was hairier than Uncle Vernon's.
"Holy shit!!" roared Uncle Vernon. "You've mustached my wife!!"
Harry then pointed his wand at his uncle and cried out, "SHRUNKEN WINKYO!!" With this, his uncle let out a scream of pain and hit the floor. Aunt Petunia rushed over to him and pulled his pants and man-thong down. Just as she had suspected: his winky was now the size of a small tack. Petunia let out a gasp of horror as she saw this.
"OH MY!! You've shrunken winky-ed my husband!!" she cried to Harry.
"Yeah," said Harry smugly. "Now he's got a small winky and you've got a hairy mustache." Ron and Ginny could not repress their laughter as they started howling with glee and started rolling around on the ground with laughter. Harry felt like for once the Dursley's were getting what they deserved.
"…hahaha, no no. I am only seventeen!" laughed Hermione. "Hahaha, you are very silly." Everyone turned to Hermione and realized that she was still talking to the wall.
"Daaamn! That shit is whack!" declared Ronald Weasley. Ginny nodded her head and Harry just rolled his eyes. Uncle Vernon squinted his eyes in the fashion he always did because he just liked to do that and Aunt Petunia just gave a look of surprise, shock, and other stuff.
"I love you, Wally!!" said Hermione in a high-pitch voice unlike her normal one. Harry pointed his wand at Hermione and yelled, "STOP TALKING TO WALLS-EEEO!!" and a bright red light bolted from the tip of his wand and slammed right into the side of Hermione's face. The force of the spell knocked her into the wall, but then she recovered herself and looked around at the others.
"Why are you all looking at me?" inquired Hermione. "Do I have something hanging out of my nose?" Ron just snorted and Ginny blushed. Harry looked at Hermione and told her to stop talking to inanimate objects and then he looked back at his aunt and uncle. They looked at him. He looked at them. They continued to look at him. He raised his right eyebrow. Uncle Vernon squinted his eyes even more. Harry raised the left eyebrow. Aunt Petunia licked her mustache. Harry raised both eyebrows at her and gave her a disgusted look. She continued to lick her mustache. Uncle Vernon pulled his man-thong and pants back on. Hermione looked at his man-thong as if she wanted one. Ron gave her a disturbed look. Ginny felt left out and so she shot Harry a nasty look, but he wasn't paying attention to her since he was still watching his aunt lick her mustache.
"Touche," muttered Ginny. Harry continued to watch his aunt lick her mustache. Uncle Vernon continued to squint his eyes. Hermione day-dreamed about wearing a man-thong. Ron envisioned Hermione in just a thong. Ginny turned to Ron and smacked him alongside his head.
"Sorry," muttered Ron. "Couldn't help myself." Harry looked away from his aunt and instead turned to his uncle. Uncle Vernon looked at him. Aunt Petunia looked at her mustache. All of a sudden, Dudley appeared at the front door with his gang. Dudley looked at his gang. His gang looked at his father's unzipped pants. Hermione was still day-dreaming. Dudley's gang looked at Hermione. Hermione still day-dreamed. Ron looked at the gang. The gang looked at Ron. Ginny looked at the gang too but no one noticed her because she is just an extra in this book.
"HEY!! I don't want to be just an extra!!" Ginny wasn't happy about being an extra, so I lied and told her she was a main character again and so she was happy. Hermione was still lost in her day-dream.
"Why the bloody hell is he here?!?" moaned Dudley to his mother and father while pointing at Harry. "And who the hell are all these people?"
"And why are we here when we are just extras?" asked Dudley's gang. Dudley looked at his gang and scratched his head.
"Why are you guys here?" he asked them. They shrugged and looked at Harry. Harry looked at them. They had a staring contest and Harry won. Harry is pretty damn good at staring at people until they pee in their pants. Embarrassed with themselves, the gang ran off screaming and crying because they are extras and do what they're told to do. Dudley watched as his gang abandoned him in his own house. Dudley looked as if he was going to cry but then didn't because I did not write in this book that he cried. Dudley felt a little awkward here. Hermione was a lost cause; there was no getting her back from her day-dreaming that had caused her to hum quietly to herself and drool and foam at the mouth. Harry felt a little weird in house Number 4, Privet Drive, for once. He felt as if he didn't belong here and wanted to leave. Although, he always felt that way in this house, so my last couple of sentences didn't make too much sense.
Anyway, the story must continue away from the Dursley's house so the scene here has to pick it up a little bit in terms of speed. Harry helped his uncle to his feet with great amounts of effort since his uncle was FAT!! Aunt Petunia just watched him struggle with Uncle Vernon and stroked her mustache and tried to see past her enormous and pointy nose. Dudley walked into the kitchen since no one was paying any attention to him. He ate some cake and became fatter. After a while, he became sooo fat that he could not get out of the kitchen…just kidding. He didn't eat that much.
Anyway, Uncle Vernon now glared at Harry.
"What are you doing here?!?" he demanded of Harry.
"I live here too. Remember?!" retorted Harry. Aunt Petunia came over and stood next to her short, but still pretty fat, husband. She was tall and lanky but not in a good way.
"I think this dirty boy has forgotten who took him in and raised him when they didn't have to, Vernon!" she told her husband whilst glaring and scowling at her nephew.
"Right, thanks." said Harry.
"I think you should be a little more kinder to us, you little shit-head!" roared Uncle Vernon. "I mean, after-all, we did raise you as my beautiful wife just said!"
"Right, well I appreciate it and all but I won't need your raising-me-ness anymore. I am going to go find a way to kill Voldemort and I won't be needing your home anymore."
"You hear that, Petunia?! The little runt thinks he can make it on his own!" Vernon told Petunia.
"Well I think we should let him try, Vernon." She told her husband. "Because once he gets himself killed, he won't have to live here anymore!"
"Agreed." agreed Uncle Vernon.
"Right then, bye." said Harry and with that he walked into the kitchen, raised his wand, pointed it at Dudley, and shouted, "ASS FACE-EEEO!!" And with a loud BANG! Dudley's face turned into an ass with the crack right down the middle of his face.
"PBSST-HEY!!" roared Dudley. "PBSTT-WHAT THE PBSTT-HELL?!" And with a smile the size of his face, Harry walked out of the kitchen, past his aunt and uncle, and out of Number 4, Privet Drive for the last time ever. Ginny, Ron, and Hermione raced out of the house after Harry and overtook him.
"You didn't have to do that to poor Dudley!" snapped Hermione.
"Yeah, and you didn't have to talk to walls!" retaliated Harry. Hermione shut her mouth and remained silent for a long time. The four of them now had to make their way to the Weasley house. The only question was how to get there. They didn't have broomsticks and they couldn't aparate in a muggle street where muggles could see them. Harry sat down on the curb to think. The other three followed suit, although they had no idea why they were doing it. They weren't used to thinking so early in the book. They hadn't really experienced Chapter 1 before and the task was eating away at them. Ron kept thinking to himself, why did we have to be in Chapter 1?!?! WHY?!?! Hermione decided that thinking so early in the book had to be illegal or something like that. And Ginny was just glad to be in the book.
There's got to be a way to get to the Weasley house! thought Harry. There's just gotta be! He racked his brain for any clue as to how to get there without muggles seeing them. It was just then that it hit him that he had his Invisibility Cloak in his pocket. But then he realized that there were four of them this time and surely the cloak wasn't big enough for the four of them.
After a time, BANG! And out popped Lupin who had just aparated in front of them.
"Hello Harry, Hermione, Ginny, and Ron!" He beamed cheerfully. "I am here to aparate you four to the Weasley house for the wedding of Fleur and Bill!!" And with that, he aparated them to the Weasley house where Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were waiting with large grins on their faces. Crookshanks was out in the garden chasing bludgers, and Hedwig was after the golden snitch. Ron's little owl Pigwidgeon was sun-bathing on a nearby yard chair. And Ginny doesn't get an owl in this book because she is still an extra.
"Welcome home!!" beamed Mrs. Weasley to the four of them as she gave each a huge hug. And Mr. Weasley shook Harry's hand while punching Ron in the rib cage for absolutely no reason.
Now our three heroes and one extra were at the Weasley house ready for the next part of their journey…