Wanting What Can't Be
It was Christmas Eve and a full moon. Remus and Tonks had been seeing each other for several weeks and Severus had done his best to avoid any contact between himself and either of them. He loathed their relationship. Every bit of it felt wrong to him. Tonks was a young woman with her whole life ahead of her and she chose to spend it with that! Even Pettigrew would have been an improvement, although very slight but no. She chose wolfie! He shuddered at the thought of the two of them together as he flicked through a potions magazine while playing with his food. He hadn't eaten much since he found out about Tonks and Remus as the sheer thought of it repulsed him and made him lack hunger.
His mind was often wandering off, thinking about her. He tried not to let himself get attached to the thoughts after he found out she was seeing wolfie but he could not help liking her. Really liking her. In fact she was about the only thing he thought about. And all he could see from his fireside seat at number 12 Grimmauld Place was her and wolfie kissing.
"Are you sure you'll be ok Rem?" she asked him as if he'd never transformed before. Severus shuddered at the amount of concern she was showing this monster.
"I'll be fine darling," his reassuring voice replied and Severus felt sick.
Tonks belonged to Remus now and he'd lost his chance. And there they were kissing again. Severus glared at them and decided to abandon the idea of attempting to eat and retreat to his room in the basement where he wouldn't have to see them anymore.
He walked out of the room and stormed down to his room in the basement, slamming the door behind him like an angry teenager would do. Why was it always him that was left alone? First of all he had loved Lily but James got to be with her. Then he had loved the woman Sirius went out with in their last year at school. Now he loved Tonks and Remus got her.
He sighed, collapsing on his bed and wanting nothing more than to curl up and die. He lay on the bed thinking about Tonks, despite knowing he would never get any further towards actually being with her, when there was a knock at the door. He stood up and straightened his robes before opening the door to see her standing there.
"Wotcher Sev," she said, smiling at him with those lips that had just been all over her precious werewolf.
"Miss Tonks…" he said, putting as much hatred as he could possibly muster into his voice. She actually looked a little hurt by how much hatred was in his voice and he felt sorry for her. Well almost.
"I was just wondering if you wanted to come with us all. We were going to go to the Leaky Cauldron as its Christmas Eve…" she said, noticing the hatred in his eyes when she said the word Christmas.
"I would rather spend Christmas Eve alone," he replied, his voice still filled with annoyance.
"Oh ok… We're now going so… Goodnight…" she said, leaving his room filled with her scent.
He sighed, knowing he would never be with her and wanting to be alone to drown his sorrows with a bottle of beer or ten.