Summary: Months after leaving Shishio's side, Soujiro is no closer to finding his way, and realizes the reason – he cannot discover his heart in a vacuum.
I finally decided that I really should start writing my stories down again. :) It's been a long time, so hopefully I'm not too rusty!
Warning: sap ahead. Nothing that any fan of Rurouni Kenshin shouldn't be able to handle, though. :D
Warning #2: I've only seen the anime series through episode 57. Just couldn't wait until I'd finished the series to write. Spoiler warnings through episode 57, and after that, it's probably AU.
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Chapter 1: LostI don't understand. Soujiro looked around at the marketplace, at the various people selling their wares. He looked at the families out buying what they needed to survive. Some of them looked happy, some looked busy and preoccupied. Some appeared poor, some appeared rich. All of them looked weak. All of them looked like people who, by all rights, should be dead. It was a mistake to be so weak, or to help those who were weak...
If you are strong, you live. If you are weak, you die.
But they weren't dead. They were alive, and happily buying food. And Shishio-sama had been wrong. Himura-san had proven that. Probably...
Except that Himura-san himself had claimed that the truth could not be determined by battles. That he had to discover it within his heart. Which kind of implied that his heart was a place that Soujiro could poke around in until he discovered the answer. He'd tried that. He'd gotten nowhere. It was all just so confusing.
It had been months since Soujiro had left Shishio-sama's side. Months since that last battle with Himura-san. Months since he last knew what was real... or thought he knew. Until Himura-san spoke a few words during their battle that had destroyed everything and made him feel again.
Those words you said - "Back then, nobody protected me." No matter how I search my memory, I'm sure I haven't met you before. However, one thing that I do know is, in the depths of that aspect of your consciousness that was sealed, you have been filled with regret. Your true self may have wanted to live on without hurting anyone. That's what I keep feeling. If it's not too late, don't you think that you can still start over?
If it's not too late, don't you think that you can still start over?
Sometimes, he resented Himura-san for upending his world like that. Sometimes, he wanted to thank him. Most of the time, he wanted to do both.
He'd been confused for months. It was really... very, very frustrating.
Out of habit, Soujiro smiled and thanked the shopkeeper. She had been nice. She'd even given him a discount on his food, because he was such a polite, well-behaved child (she'd said that: "You are such a polite, well-behaved child!") She'd wished him well, and hoped that he and his family enjoyed their food.
That word again. Family. He hated that word. It was supposed to mean something, but it really meant nothing at all. It was suppose to mean something... wasn't it?
His mind flitted away from that subject of its own accord. He used to be able to think about what he wanted to think about, but now it seemed as though his mind had a will of its own, completely separate from his will. There were certain subjects that he just couldn't think about too hard, even if he tried. He had a feeling that these subjects were the important ones, the ones that would help him find the answers... if only he could make himself think about them.
He could think about money, though. He did a lot of thinking about money. He was running out. There were manual labor jobs that he could get, and he was certainly no stranger to labor, but... that was the problem. He knew what labor was like. Cruel, vicious people who did no work themselves, who beat on those who work for them for fun. He'd been there. For years. And he was never going to put himself in that kind of position again.
Ever. Not for any reason.
But he was running out of money. He needed money to survive. Everyone needed money to survive. This was probably the one and only fact in the entire world that he was not confused about right now. To survive, he needed money. Or he needed to be around somebody else who had money.
Shishio-sama was dead. And Shishio-sama had been wrong (probably.) And most of the other people he knew were either dead or scattered, and none of them had ever really seemed to like him much anyway. He'd been Shishio-sama's right hand man, after all, which was a position most of them had wanted for themselves.
And even if he could find his old colleagues, even if they would take him in... going back to them would completely defeat the purpose of leaving in the first place. He was never going to find answers with them. Like him, they'd followed Shishio-sama, which meant they didn't know any more about what was real and true than he did.
None of them were any wiser than he was. Of that, Soujiro was sure. He could feel it. They weren't like Himura-san.
Soujiro stopped dead in the middle of the street, causing a group of people to veer around him, laughing. He didn't care. He didn't even notice. For the first time, he had an answer to a question. It had just come to him. It wasn't a big answer... it wasn't an answer to any of his biggest questions... but it was an answer.
Himura-san had already found the answers for himself. Somehow. And while he'd said that Soujiro had to find the answers in his own heart... Himura-san would know how to start looking. Soujiro was sure of that.
He knew where to go, now. Whether Himura-san would accept him, trust him, or help him... that he didn't know. And it was very scary, because even though he was fairly certain that Himura-san wouldn't simply attack him like a normal person would if confronted with an old enemy... even though he was fairly sure of that... if Himura-san didn't take him in, he didn't know what he would do. He didn't know what he could do.
But Soujiro had been looking for answers in the dark for months, and he couldn't do it another day.
Tokyo, right? He's living in Tokyo. Kind of a long walk from Kyoto, but that was fine. Packing the fish he'd just bought and putting it in his bag – the small bag that contained all of his possessions – he turned and started walking in the direction of Tokyo.
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Hope to get the next chapter out soon. :)